Abitlost

No Mike, I do not think she was deceitful. Being disabled does not render a person unathletic or inactive. Google Tatyana McFadden for starters; she has won the push-rim division of the Boston Marathon five times, along with several other accomplishments. Even if your date wasn't active or athletic, not revealing to you that she was disabled is hardly the same thing as intentional deception with a flat out lie about age. While you put athletic and active (which is obviously up for interpretation) in the wish-list of your profile, age is a concrete fact.

RAM, No, I don't think you are over-reacting. There is no one-size-fits-all explanation for why a person lies, but to me, a person who lies is not a person whom I care to get involved with. I find Portside's suggestion that he lied to broaden his search hits to be offensive and insulting, as if potential dates can't determine for themselves what their own parameters are? I think that is reflective of his character, implying that either he is special, he doesn't have to follow the rules, and/or he knows better than you what you want. Blech. I ran into plenty of liars before I met my keeper. One guy even lied about how many kids he had. (I didn't waste my time or energy to find out why.)

Steph I am sorry you are joining us. I, too, lost my husband to cancer. It has been more than 9 years, and while I won't say I'll ever be okay with losing him so tragically and so young, I am at peace with it. My life now is filled with love and joy. I'm sorry you have to leave your house, but know your husband will never leave your heart. abl

LF I'm sorry you are hurting. We have all stumbled, some (me) more than others. No need for embarrassment. My experience: while remaining in contact may ease the pain of the breakup, it really just prolongs it, and gives a little hope in the back of your mind that maybe something will change and work out (chances are this is highly unlikely). Plus, it really doesn't go over well with the new dates. Somebody said to me once that if you are hanging out with Mr. Wrong, it only blocks the view for Mr. Right.

First, congratulations on finding someone with whom you wish to spend the rest of your life! What a wonderful feeling! I can relate to much of what you are saying. While my BF and I are not there yet as I/we don't wish to blend our kids, I would like to marry...but financially it would be unwise before age 60 due to Social Security (my husband's account is much larger than my own, which I can collect only if I am unmarried at age 60). I have thought many of the same things...could we do a commitment ceremony, a non-legal marriage, what would we call each other?... As for your concerns regarding long-term care, have you looked at long-term care insurance? Or maybe larger life insurance policies?

Thanks for you hard work, Lewis! Looks great!

I also want to add... Many of our friends stepped too far back when my husband was sick. We both felt abandoned by many friends who felt uncomfortable as we truly were living everybody's worst nightmare, those that didn't know what to do so they disappeared, and those who just couldn't handle it. My husband really appreciated every card and letter he received, as well as every offer of help such as delivering meals, taking him to ballgames, taking him to appointments, etc. He couldn't drive from day one of diagnosis, so everything fell onto me, while also managing small kids. For some of his illness I couldn't leave him alone. I suggest you offer to take their kids places, bring them toys and books, take them for sleepovers. Bring them staples and leave them on their front porch. Keep in mind that this disease changes so rapidly that it may be hard (and stressful) for them to plan anything in advance. Simply calling and saying 'hey, we're off to the 4:00 showing at the movie, can we pick up your kids?', and if they say no, don't let that stop you from asking another time. You and your friends could show up and tend to their yard, ask if they need any repairs inside, trade cars so you can take theirs in for service...those type of things make a huge difference. Also put together an on-call list for them, so they know who to reach out to if he has a seizure or a fall or goes to the ER, etc.

Serpico, Sorry to hear of your friend. My husband died of GBM - Glioblastoma Multiforme, grade 4. There may be no worse disease. Sadly, you are probably correct in the prognosis, although there are some long-term survivors, and hope is essential. Brain cancer is like no other in because it affects the brain, which of course controls everything. Symptoms are far-ranging depending on where the tumor is, as well as other factors such as swelling, treatment effects, and so much more. His cognition, memory, processing, retention, judgment, behavior, motor control, hearing, vision, and so much more may be compromised and ever-changing, on a day-by-day and even minute-by-minute basis. That's a short way of saying you may not be dealing with the friend you once knew. His capacities may already be diminished, even if it doesn't appear that way. Trying to have a financial conversation with him, may be fruitless, and invasive, and frankly may best saved for when/if his future widow seeks assistance and/or advice. If it were me, I would simply reassure your friend and his wife that you are available to help them if/how/when they want/need you. As far as how to help now, you may want to pass on to the wife that the American Brain Tumor Association has a caregiver (and patient) mentor program where they are matched one-to-one with a support person that has been there, because truly the disease is a bear to navigate. abl

CW, you have gotten some good feedback here. I think, for me, uneasy feelings come in waves when I am most stressed and/or weary. Just keep up your self care...eating well, exercising, getting good sleep, socializing, and taking time for yourself. And, don't be too hard on yourself. abl

That was the phrase spoken by a group of friends today in discussing the Bushes. I reminded them that yes, I can, because I have. They tried to clarify that they were talking about losing your partner after 73 years of marriage, and that at 93, most friends are dead, and what does he have to live for? I fell silent, and exited the conversation. They weren't trying to be unkind I know, it was just a DGI comment. I truly am happy for them that they can't imagine it.

Almost 10 years of solo parenting. I'm weary. (One of those days...) abl

Shelly, You had TWO dates with him, two months ago, and in the interim he has found someone else he is considering marrying, but prefers the chemistry he had with you (in the sum total of two dates!), so he couldn't make up his mind until he saw you in the street which he thought was a sign? That is a sign of only one thing, an extraordinarily unstable person. (It also reads like this guy could be a scammer, from what little you have written.) Legit or not, do yourself and your kids a favor and steer clear. abl

Beth, For me, the second year was by far the hardest. The first year I was largely numb, going through the motions, and I still felt his presence. That second year it struck me just how long dead was. Everyone expected me to be getting "better" and "moving on" but inside I was screaming, paralyzed, and with a great big gaping hole in my heart. Everything that was ours was now mine to deal with, for better or worse. All decisions fell to me, all forward motion was my responsibility. It was overwhelming. Things started getting more manageable in the third year, and while I will never be "over it", most days are filled with life, love, and happiness. abl

Trying, Blending under the best of circumstances is tough, and complicated, and full of compromise. I say that from an observation standpoint only as I'm decidedly not blending. The flip side of that is that my kids will never be part of a family, and something tells me they will face a learning curve when and if they start their own families. I understand your frustration, and the double-standards, and the seemingly under appreciated maneuvers you make. Remember though that all these relationships and experiences enrich your life and that of your kids (even if it doesn't feel that way right now...) abl

Hi SB, I am not in a position to tell you what to do, but I will share with you my own similar experience. My Ex-BF had a co-dependent relationship with his mother, who moved in with him for what was supposed to be a few weeks but that turned into over four years when I departed. I found their relationship creepy, and distanced myself from it as much as I could. However, it wasn't just his mother he had a co-dependent relationship with; he also shared a co-dependent relationship with his ex-wife and with his kids. I came to realize it wasn't his circumstances, but rather him. (I am so happy I'm out of that one!) I'm not saying your NG mirrors this situation, but your line "He won’t ever set boundaries." gives me pause. abl

Hi Mac, I think I understand what you're saying. You may remember my last relationship, which I recall describing to you that day at the coffee shop as 'good enough...for now'. I told you I knew I was settling but that I didn't think what I had with my husband was attainable for me again. Well, I'm happy to say after 4.5 years I am out of that one. I deserved more, and I am happy to say that I found it. While I would describe my lifestyle as ordinary, the connection I share with my new guy is extraordinary, as it should be. You deserve that, too. It may take a while to find, but hold out for it! abl

Hi SS, I remember you as well. I’m sorry to hear of your current situation but glad you found your way back here. abl

LF, Obviously you need to read my response with the understanding that I only know what you have written. I don’t know you, or A, and all the nuances of your budding relationship. My response is based on red flags that you have written about and a hope that you can identify and address them as fits with your life, beliefs, feelings, and goals. From what I can tell, A is playing you. She is a self-described enigma because she is not emotionally available. You don’t “think” you blocked an old boyfriend, it’s a pretty straight-forward procedure. A person doesn’t usually break down if they are contacted by an ex that they are over. I’m thinking she may have hopes of reconnecting with her ex. That’s not to say she isn’t conflicted, because she clearly has feelings for you as well. But you deserve better than the seat next to her on the emotional roller coaster she’s is on. You seem like a really great guy...emotive, grounded, accepting of your circumstances and desiring to forge a new path. I understand seeing something in a new love interest, believing in it, and wanting to play it out. A, however, appears not to be in the space as you. I see great potential of you getting hurt. You said you wanted feedback but I know none of this is what you want to hear. If you would rather I butt out and not respond, please say so. abl

My Ex-BF was previously in a sexless marriage. He was well aware that the problems in the marriage encompassed far more than lack of physical intimacy, and he had the class not to bring that up on the first, second, third, fourth, fifth...date. I find it tactless to discuss sex on the first date, much less before even meeting. Any man that couldn't "waste" a coffee date to find out if there was chemistry was no man I cared to meet.

I had one guy whom I was texting for a couple days with a plan to meet later that week ask me that question as well, stating he was coming out of a sexless relationship and just wanted to make sure he didn't waste his time. He was promptly blocked. Two other guys asked me on my feelings on sex during our first date. They were also blocked. Another guy told me on our second date that these days a woman had to "put out" in some fashion by the third date or men moved on to the next. That block feature is very handy.

I have been pointing out his peculiarities and offenses, but there is much intelligence and fun times with this guy, too, which is why I have been friends with him. I have, for the third time now, very clearly expressed that I won't tolerate his treatment of me, given clear examples, and told him I was stepping away from the friendship because of it. He is trying hard to convince me not to terminate the friendship, promising to change. I am not convinced that he can change, or that I should reconsider given the history. I have no such issues with any other relationship in my life, and this is a drain. He never treated me this way when DH was alive, and in recent years, despite my warnings, his behavior has declined. I'm kind of wondering if it is tied either to mental illness (which runs in his family, with his brother being on SS Disability because of it - ironic when you consider his feelings on SS Survivor's Benefits) or a biological change in the brain due to aging. A few years ago he had an MRI done which showed more atrophy than the neurologist would expect for someone of his age. Neither of those things justify his behavior, but they would explain it.

I love this show. Call me crazy but when I watch it I feel like yes! someone gets it! I really like how they weave loss and adversity into life decades later, showing how it manifests itself and how they all deal with it. A promo I saw said something like "just two episodes left...." Is the series ending? Or just the season?

The things I eluded to that I call him out on (in addition to the SS remarks) are little jabs here and there that put me on defense of my friends, my kids, my family, and myself. Sometimes he says he was just joking or that he was critical of me because I am of him, and other times he sincerely doesn't see how what he says is hurtful. A series of those events in recent weeks prompted me to take another break from the friendship, which he declared was overreacting, but I'm not sure a friendship in which I get off the phone wondering how I let him engage me in topics that I told him are off limits is worth holding onto. He really is an interesting character. When I met him, he walked around his studio apartment in a down coat and winter cap when it was 20 degrees outside because he would only turn the heat on for an hour a day. He wouldn't run the a/c in his car because it used too much fuel. Still today he shares a phone plan and digital newspaper subscription with his brother, doesn't own a TV, and hates consumerism. If he buys produce that doesn't taste the way he likes, he takes it back. I never knew he came from such wealth until a couple years ago he started complaining that he felt his mother was giving away too much money and he is afraid he won't get his share. He honestly is worried that he doesn't have enough money should something like runaway inflation hit.

That's rough, Rooshy. For me, heartache is one of the most excruciating pains. I don't know that I have any good advice, other than to find ways to remind him that *he* is an awesome person. I think one's self-esteem can get rattled after a break-up. It's probably a good idea to get him out and distracted so that he's thinking about other things rather than fixating on her. He'll get through it, which might be soon but might not.

Thanks all. This guy has been my friend for 30 years. His justification for his multiple unwelcome jabs about Social Security is that he has extraordinary frustration over his immense tax burden. He makes more than a $250K a year, has a net worth of $7 Million, and is looking to inherit a portion of his mother’s $50 Million estate at some point (he likes to share that information and tries to bait me into telling him what my values are!!…sorry, that is not information I share!!), yet he feels there is such inequity. He is unmarried with no children, so he laments his taxes are too high. Since DH died, he has said many things that are out of line. I call him on it every time, and twice took a break from the friendship telling him to stop attacking me (he doesn’t see it that way, rather he thinks that I am overly sensitive). Still it continues. I think I’m done, which is sad and hard since we span three decades….