Abitlost

I'm sorry CW. What you wrote here reminds me of my ex-BF. We didn't communicate well and it caused a lot of problems. Even after 4.5 years, I couldn't tell him when I was hurt without him getting defensive. It led to a lot of passive aggressive moves on both our part. Still I think what could have been if we had been able to effectively communicate. Maybe couple's counseling would help? hugs, abl

Loving again will never diminish your love for Alex. You deserve to be happy AW! hugs, abl

((TS)) Just remember, the only thing that matters is how you and adp feel about each other. Enjoy your time together! abl

((SB)) You have so much to juggle both physically and emotionally as you make these major decisions and moves to benefit your family. It is understandable that you are stressed to the point of reaching for your vice but you are strong and you believe in yourself so I know you won't. I don't have experience with addiction but I'll make some suggestions that may help. First, it sounds from past posts that you can afford to turn the house over to a contractor or handyman to manage all the repairs. If you do that, it will alleviate so much time and stress. The other thing I would recommend is exercise; when you feel anxious, go for a walk/jog/bike ride, etc. Endorphins are a great way to manage stress. Hang in there! We're all backing you!!! abl

Granted I have a different view of sleepovers than most, but my advice is you say "NG is staying over" or "I'm staying at NG's". I see no harm in kids witnessing a healthy, committed, loving adult relationship and recognizing their remaining parent still has the capacity to love but I do see harm in sneaking or lying. Our kids lost the opportunity to see what a healthy marriage looks and was glad that I could model that with Ex-BF (until all that blew up). Witnessing my parent's marriage was seminal in knowing what I wanted in my own marriage. I never thought 'oh, Mom and Dad are in there having sex!" and I don't think that was what my kids thought either when Ex-BF was here. Even if it was, well, that's part of a healthy relationship. JMTC abl

The first time Ex-BF spent the night, he said liked the right, which was my side. It was the first time I had slept on the left but actually liked being in DH's spot. I was glad to not mix those two worlds. I stayed on the left even after Ex-BF and I split.

How about getting a job at a gym with an indoor pool? He could work on getting a personal trainer license or maybe getting certified to teach classes like spin, etc? Maybe exercise and being in that environment could help his depression? Just some thoughts... abl

Another thought...is he into computers/coding/tech? In one semester he could get SolidWorks certified and get a job making very decent money...

((((Trying)))) I am so sorry. I completely understand your frustration and feelings of despair. It is hard to say what is going on: a learning disability, work ethic, attitude, grief. The lying may be about not wanting to disappoint you and letting himself go may be a nonverbal way to communicate that he is not okay. Of course you are in a far better position to judge his needs, but perhaps he is trying to say he is not okay being away from home just yet, not ready to take care of himself or be responsible? Perhaps he could stay at home and go to community college, taking a light load, and return to comfort of your home for a year or so? He has had his world rocked and may just need a little more coddling to get his bearings. Are there any grief support groups in your area? Here there is one that goes up to age 21. My kids never responded to therapy because there was nothing pathologically wrong with them, but they got a lot out of support groups. Hugs, abl

Rob, for those of us who have not yet cracked our books, please share the tidbits that stand out to you! abl

I also get the negotiation for hours, but I never give in lest I encourage more extended sessions. Recently both of them were negotiating the same point and not making any headway so I used my best Mufasa voice to say "I have spoken." That resulted in silence, a rare occurrence. I'm going to have to stock that one for the future!

I agree that when I can take the time to have that sit-down talk things go smoother, but at least for me, life as an only-living parent results in the majority of communications on the fly. My youngest has taken to e-mailing me things that require contemplation which is going rather well.

Negotiators...how do you deal with that? Mine are very logical and argue valid points which I know are good traits but it can be exhausting especially when it's two-on-one; sometimes the answer has to be a non-negotiable "because I said so" in order to stay consistent with "say what you mean and mean what you say". Tips? abl

I'd say that's pretty high on the Eff'ed up scale. I'm sorry they did this to you. Hugs, abl

How about you pay for the house and he pays bills?

Thanks you guys. Everything you said is spot on. Now to put it into practice... abl

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I am so very happy for you! Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!!! abl

SimiRed, On your son's morning procrastination, how about if he doesn't get his phone until he is walking out the door, or at a minimum has his coat/backpack, etc on and is 100% ready? That could prompt him to expedite his morning routine! On the mornings he misses the bus and you have to drive him, you could charge him for your time and gas to drive him to school. abl

Rob, This isn't what you asked so forgive me if I'm out of line but I had some thoughts on some of the struggles you've mentioned. A while back, I think you posted that one of your girls has ADHD; is that R? If that is the case, her timeliness be it in the shower or the kitchen is affected by her compromised executive function and planning skills. It may not be that she doesn't care, but she is challenged to stay on task and could benefit from some accommodations to aid her. I'm not saying let her off the hook, but recognize that ordinary tasks are more difficult for her. Things like consideration and respect aren't excusable defenses IMO but maybe if she had a little more latitude she could perform better? Just a thought... abl

CW, how is he doing? abl

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As the reports came in about Jimmy Carter's tumors being gone, for a nanosecond my heart fluttered with excitement as my subconscious was eager to share news of this new drug treatment with DH, thinking there's hope! we'll try this drug! if 90-year old Jimmye Carter can beat cancer so can DH! ...until I remembered he was dead. Almost seven years out, I still forget that harsh reality. abl

Trying, in my house technically the rooms are mine -- my name is on the deed, not theirs -- they just get the privilege of living there. Therefore, my rules apply to every room. That said, we have issues in this area as well, I just don't get that excuse. This is getting better of late however, for reasons I can't explain. Rob, I did try the bin method once and it was not particularly successful. On the showers, how about one showers at night and the other in the morning?

Hi Rob, I didn't quite follow the shower situation. Do they have one bathroom that they share and each has an assigned shower time? If that's the case, it seems more logical to me that if one misses her assigned time, she doesn't instead get to use your bathroom but instead simply forfeits her shower for the day; having to go to school unbathed once or twice may be more impactful than an alternate shower facility. I have the same situation on the nagging, be it around unloading their lunch boxes, folding laundry, making beds, etc. None of these are huge infractions but I dislike having to remind them again and again. Sometimes after nagging doesn't work, I will give an hour's notice and say that dinner will be served to anyone who has done x, y or z which gets the tasks done but that isn't quite natural consequences. Suggestions? abl