Abitlost

I suspect the widow-widower divorce rate is lower than a widow/er-divorcee or two divorcees because the widow/er has a proven track record for a successful marriage. I also suspect some ages are easier to blend families, with younger having greater success. I agree neither luck nor accident lead to success or failure, but there are numerous variables including personalities to consider.

I shall dissent from the jump in/leap of faith position. First marriages have a 50% divorce rate. Second marriages, 67%. Third marriages 73%. My opinion is that a major contributor to the demise of second+ marriages is the complicated family dynamics when kids are born outside the new relationship. From https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201202/the-high-failure-rate-second-and-third-marriages : "Ironically, the presence of children in second and third marriages, if they are from previous marriages, can cause problems and lead to tension. Having to adjust to your spouse's children and his/her relationship with them is often difficult for couples. Inevitably rivalries and arguments arise, making this a constant area of conflict. In these cases the children can be a destabilizing factor in a second or third marriage." Even if the marriage/partner relationship survived, for me, the adjustments inherently necessary for my kids to share me and their lives with step-siblings was too much to stomach. For me, the stability of my kids -- both emotional and physical -- and the solid relationship we maintain were not things I wished to jeopardize. So although my chapter 2 failed as a result and I suffered the loss of my relationship, I have solace in knowing I did not compromise my most important relationships (my kids) and that our relationship will always be intact. abl

You know I couldn't bridge that gap but I just want to say your NG is a keeper. abl

Cancer sucks.

Sounds dismal...

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It feels cruel sometimes to have achieved that pinnacle of happiness only to have it stripped away. But you didn't really lose it; John's love is infused in you forever. I know that doesn't help much right now but that is what I try to remind myself of. Hugs, abl

TMI

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Trying, What a wonderful thing you are doing. My husband's oncologist had a team of massage therapists come in twice a week to give extremity and neck massages while the patients were in treatment. They also gave full massages twice a month in their spa. The therapists were so well trained at being gentle and knew all the side effects of the treatment. My husband loved it. I was given a couple gift certificates for massage but it took me years to use them. For one, I didn't want anyone other than DH to touch me. Also the logistics of having kids, etc made the thought of scheduling an hour for myself overwhelming. And also an hour of quiet, peaceful time would randomly give me an anxiety attack. Even though I had a profound case of skin hunger, if someone had told me in those early days that a massage was beneficial for grieving widows, I would have had a meltdown. Your heart is in the right place, but my advice would not be to market directly to widow/ers. As we know, everyone processes grief differently; what may be comforting to one is offensive to another. At most, I would offer a gift certificate for a free 20-30 minute massage but make it generic. If a widow/er is craving touch and receptive to massage, s/he is aware of it and would welcome the gift. If a widow/er isn't receptive, your suggestion may have a deleterious effect. abl

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What a bittersweet moment. DH *should* be here! I hope your son wins the contest! abl

That's a tough one. It sounds like she has made positive changes in her life, but of course that doesn't erase the pain she caused you. Still, I want to give her the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps seeing what you went through brought back all her own early-day grief? I agree with TooSoon and if you proceed with letting her back in to guard yourself and your heart. Perhaps in time the barriers would come down but if you re-establish a relationship I would make sure you set firm boundaries. abl

AW, I am so sorry about your grandmother, which is probably contributing to your nightmares. I hope you are able to sleep tonight. There is a lot to be said for having a partner at your side but it is your decision to make. Sending you lots of hugs, abl

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There is a rather large societal problem if one thinks a declaration of wanting to fuck a mother for his own satisfaction is in any way a compliment. In my opinion, it exacerbates the issue when others brush it off as the vernacular of the day or as another way to say "very attractive" or ?smoking hot?. No, imissdow, you are not being overly sensitive; it is never acceptable to state a mother is someone you would like to fuck, with or without the acronym. abl Edited to remove the vulgar graphic of what the term mean. I originally put it there because society has become quite desensitized which is not a good thing.

I have several photos of DH and I. They aren't front and center, but these photos not only remind me how much I was loved, they also show my kids how madly in love their parents were. Rather than feeling threatened, perhaps a new love interest can take away from them the depth of my capacity to love. abl

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I am completely with Trying on this. You are in no way a horrible person; in fact, the opposite is true. Your devotion to your daughter is apparent and you deserve your own happiness. Even if she gets sick you should go out on the date and enjoy yourself guilt-free. abl

I don't think I am cut out for this. :-\

OMG, MTK and SFL! Please tell me which sites you are on so I know which ones to avoid!!!!! abl