Julester3

Thank you for sharing your perspective for us who still have a lot of road to travel to get where you are. I feel that sharing information is important for the kids. Honesty is also good but I can see omitting some things until it's better appropriate. Timing is different for everyone and circumstances of death can play a factor as well. My girls are 13 and 16 (nearly 17). When my girls ask me anything about their dad, I tend to preface that if I don't know the exact answer, whatever I tell them is how I believe how it was or at least my perspective. I am trying to type up as much as I can before I start forgetting - our stories and little observances. It's a good thing my husband and I were talkers. We really talked about everything and nothing at all. We have had conversations to revisit times in our past together and laugh about what each of us disclosed how we felt at that time but didn't say or what not - dating jitters and all that. But I digress... It's great you were able to share the information now. Like you said, it isn't everyday you can have everyone in at the same time. You were also celebrating the long and fulfilling life your mom had so of course, it was a different tone than a tragic death. I agree that she seemed to have been watching over you as you all got together.

I lost my husband in April. I stopped wearing my rings before summer started - probably late May? I don't recall exactly when anymore. Time blurs for me a little. I honestly just didn't feel married anymore - it felt like I was lying to myself or continuing to encourage my denial. Though I still dearly love my husband, I felt at the time that our marriage agreement was done. Until death do us part. Also, all the various paperwork I was filling out had me change my status to "single with children." I put my engagement and wedding rings away for safe keeping with my anniversary band that I also feel I cannot wear for the same reason. I hope to wear them again someday when my time comes but not until then. I switched to wearing sterling silver fashionable rings on different fingers. I know this is just how I make sense of all of this and how it works in my case. I buried my husband with his wedding ring. People thought I was nuts because it's a pricy, heavy platinum band but I felt he needed to have it. It made me feel good that he had it.

Oh my goodness, your situation is traumatizing - the circumstances are hard and I am sorry you have to lose your pets. My pets have really helped me. They are my quiet companions who give me comfort when I don't want the kids to see me crumble. But I am sorry that you are going to have moments of what if's haunting you but you need to remind yourself you couldn't really control the situation. A drunk person can not be reasoned with and does not have the ability to comprehend reason. Hugs and strength in the days to come.

I understand learning to function and move on but I wish grief didn't feel like this heavy shackle bolted to you that weighs you down every day. I have more good days than bad and when I have bad days, other than the day of our wedding anniversary which nearly put me out all day, my sad spurts are short, brief and hit me at random or odd times. I am hoping the shackle gets lighter and easier to carry.

I am sorry for your loss. I hope this site can help you since you have your anxieties. I find online communities can be helpful since it's not directly face to face. I tend to crave the company of people who understand what I am going through. I have plenty of other friends from other walks of life but right now I don't want another sorry or anything alluding that I am a strong person. We run out of conversation the moment they want to know if I am doing okay. I like to hash out over the daily struggles and the trials/errors we face trying to cope to our new existences. I am functioning but I'm still waiting for my heart to stop feeling hurt and abandoned. These are things only people in this community can understand. I've known my husband since we first met in the 7th grade. We were fast friends but we didn't date until we went away for college. I have been with him since we were 18. I wouldn't know how to function with any other person other than my husband - I believe were we soulmates.

My husband died the night of April 7th. I did not go back to work until May 2nd. I needed to be sure I got my kids settled okay. I had them stay home all day Friday and the entire following week before sending them back to school. Going back kept me occupied really. It sucked having to go back full time after 12 years of part time. Giving them the additional 2 hours every day than what I was accustomed to just so I could afford the health insurance for my kids was worth it but hard because I simply wasn't used to it. I find I am more exhausted because of it and more stretched out.

Hi Yogamom2 and Sirin, I am sorry for your losses. I am sure you are both feeling very emotional and shocked considering how recent your losses were. Definitely give yourself time to adjust and absorb how your lives are going to change. Don't hesitate to come here and talk. Everyone does understand and they can relate and they can help you sort or validate things you might be thinking or feeling. I honestly don't like to talk to my local friends and neighbors all that much any more since they all drone the same things - I know they are sorry, I know that they think I am strong...I am just weary. Wish we'd go back to the simple hellos and good mornings. Most of them can't begin to fathom how this all feels like and having to be a sole parent now. I have 2 teenage girls close to age to your kids Yogamom2 in case you ever want to talk how about kids and such. Hugs to both of you tonight!

I think we go through peaks and valleys type phases. You may just be in a valley right now. I think our coping skills are tested when we have that strange interface of trying to get reality to match up with our brains. I know at times everything still feels surreal or fake but my brain has to tell my heart that it needs to remember what our reality really is. Our pysychology is so complex. I think with all the little facets of life we need to deal with, it determines our good days and our bad days when we are just so overwhelmed. Hugs and strength for you today!

I get it. I exhaust myself so I'm too tired to be sad. I think I'm starting like you. My youngest just had her birthday and she was very close to her dad. We don't do big parties but once in awhile but I really blew it out this year to replace some of her sadness with some great smiles, laughter, surrounded by friends. I think we take on as much or too much just for the sake of our kids. Hugs!

Thinking of the future is hard in our position. I can make short term future goals but long term ones pull at my heart. I can't think or decide on things that seem to be a great time away from the present that i'm trying to live. I am glad you are doing well but totally understandable how you felt tripped up.

I think we all measure the time more closely because we can hardly believe time elapsed at all after our loved one dies. I am at 5 months and 5 days. Have you tried starting a journal to talk to him? I did that right away from day one and it helped me work things in my head, to vent, to complain, and to just get it all out. Sometimes I try to predict what he would say or think. I totally recommend it because my husband and I talked to one another all day long because we both work on computers and it was easy to chat and text on the side as we multitasked all through the work day. The hardest for me is the silence I have at work but some friends of mine started a FB chat just to keep my cell phone buzzing so I don't feel abandoned while I work. If writing isn't for you, it's okay. You are still acutely feeling the hurt and loneliness. The battle for your own survival is to figure what coping skills will help you. It's different for everyone. Hugs, let the sadness in but don't let it overtake you. You said so yourself, you have your family and your puppy and yourself who are worth it. Hugs!

I totally get it. I'm 41 and was with my husband for 22 years. I know there will be plenty of good times and moments to be had with my girls as they get older and I watch them transform and become women but they will always be tinged with sadness that their dad can't share those moments with them. You shouldn't feel guilty as a parent. We are still only human at the end of the day and we can't help if we feel we lost the best part of our lives in our spouse.

There's a book that really resonated with me called, I'm Grieving as Fast as I Can - How Young Widows and Widowers Can Cope and Heal by Linda Feinberg. It helped me understand a lot of my feelings and reading through really helped me focus and prioritize so I could function better daily. It was recommended by a local friend of mine who experienced a similar situation like mine. HTH as well.

I hope you are okay today. I felt I was doing well and then my wedding anniversary came this weekend and it was definitely 2 steps back and brought me back to square one. All we can do is press on and rebuild what we can, hour by hour, day by day and pray time can help soften the blow someday.

I hope you are doing okay today. I hope you can work on making decisions. I felt making decisions, even though as hard as they may be, helped me feel a little bit better as if I accomplished something. It's like clearing a few hurdles though you know you have a long race to still run. I totally relate just not wanting to do things sometimes. Hugs.

Sad confused, Sorry for your loss. It is hard to figure out where to start. You will definitely feel lost for quite awhile but the hurt, I don't think, will ever go away the same way for everyone. I think we all carry it always to an extent. My husband died suddenly and had no symptoms. It's been 5 months for me and I thought I was making progress but after our wedding anniversary this last weekend it was like that day all over again and the level of hurt came rushing back. Definitely cut yourself some slack. Accept help whenever offered. Make tiny daily goals to help you function to some extent. Think about your daughter and her needs. I have 2 daughters of my own and worrying about them and making their well being my focus helped me re-divert my energy rather than using it to literally sit at home and be numb all day. We are all in the same boat here. We didn't ask to be here but yet we are still have to be here. Talk whenever you are ready. The venting helps. Sometimes a different perspective can help or maybe something we are doing to cope, might help you too. I keep changing perspective and changing our household routines we do things around the house and that has helped the kids tremendously. I can sleep okay but I have to tire myself out in order to do so. A trick I learned when my husband would travel for long periods at a time and I'd have to figure out how to get sleep so I can watch the kids the next day. Just know we are a community prepared to support you when you feel like no one you know truly understands or comprehends how you are doing. Hugs.

Thanks for sharing! With my teens, I am wondering if I am doing right or wrong but I go by my gut instinct. It's good to hear your daughter is doing well.

Just hugs to offer here. I do know sometimes when kids come to a certain age you need to let them find their way, let them stumble, get themselves up, and keep walking. I have had to back off my eldest teenager and as much as I want to be proactive, my direct involvement begets more negativity than positivity. So I hopelessly sit here, be a spectator, and hope when she needs support she'll ask me. I hope what can happen for you is with this space he has gained and put between you that he realizes you do care and that he recognizes a need for counseling to help him work out what has been troubling him. There is something there he isn't addressing and it seemingly affects the other realms of his life.

Hugs! We all have things we are not ready to face and we eventually need to do so in our own time. My husband died at his tennis club. Our daughter currently plays there and yet, though I can drop her off, I cannot go through the doors. I want to be able to but I just can't yet. I get anxiety attacks and I don't want to upset other people at the club.

Totally missing my husband this week. Our lives seem the same except that there is this void that was his presence that is just gone. The house is even quieter with him no longer here.

Oh my goodness, my husband would have loved the last season of Game of Thrones. He would have enjoyed all the nerdy movies that came out this year. He would have been excited that the Cubs are doing great this season.

I am sorry for your loss. I lost my husband to a heart attack 4 1/2 months ago. He was only 40. I too have a (soon to be) 13 year old daughter. Her birthday is Saturday. She has been a good person to talk things out with and she asks thoughtful questions that gives us all peace of mind. I think the phenomenal support she has received from school has been vital to her ability to cope. My 16 y.o. is sort of at the point of avoidance but she will listen and give her thoughts now and then. I do talk most with my 13 y.o. and it's really helped me gain perspective and given me some strength. The best thing about this site is that we can be here for you any time just one post away.

Oh it sounds so uncomfortable. Sorry the event was made harder by ending the evening to talk about that burial business. It was a bit too soon but I think maybe they were thinking while you were there anyways in person...it'd be convenient and easier to get it out? It may seem cruel at first for them to bring it up but it sounds to me they probably need these answers so they too can go through motions so they can move on as well. Sometimes you have to cut them some slack. If they were calling you daily with these questions, I think that would be far worse and more cruel.

My personal mantra is you never ever have to like the situation BUT you need to accept that it did happen so you can move on. It has helped me and the kids. The greatest help to myself was simply writing. I have a personal electronic journal where I write talking to my husband. I share my feelings, worries, vent, anything that comes to mind. My youngest wants to read it but I told her someday as I am not ready to share. I have thoughts of sexual frustration in there and she's too young to read that stuff. I am also writing up separately our love story for the kids. I am finding the older I get, the less details I am starting to be able to recall. I am only 41 but I have been with my husband since we were 19. Also, we are collecting photos of my husband so we can make his scrapbook. I have spent the last several years whenever I had free time making scrapbooks for our vacations, holidays, and kids but I never made one just about my husband. That is my own regret for not taking the time to make one for him but I felt we as a couple and family were integrated in our scrapbooks.

Hugs Karin. Sorry for your loss. All of us can relate. My husband has been gone 4.5 months now and it still hurts like hell. I think the hardest part is trying and to be willing to re-write our futures without our loved ones in the story. We all once had dreams, we had plans, we had our whole futures mapped out but now there is no way to get to that path to those particular goals without them. I find myself unable to make any long term goals, only simpler small ones that only affect us for the next few months really. I do think in my case, my children are saving me. They are older and they are experiencing everything with me first hand. I draw strength in trying to be solid for them. You will have to find what can help you draw strength. It's different for everyone. You have every right to grieve in whatever manner helps you to get through the day or the night or even just the next hour. I, like you, am hoping that only time can lessen the heartbreak. I can function but I have this constant heart ache feeling. It sucks and I hate it. Definitely cut yourself some slack. Vent if you need to because it helps. You don't have to wonder if what your feeling is normal. It is exactly what you feel and you need to give yourself time and space to learn to cope and accept. It's possibly to me the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.