Mr C

BambiGrk, I believe God is big enough to understand and handle your anger in this moment. Here is a link to an article that discusses the subject with more authority and grace than I could: https://griefminister.com/2014/09/15/what-if-im-angry-at-god-because-of-a-death/ Be gentle with yourself. Mr C

I Miss My Friend

Good for you for starting a blog. There is benefit in posting from further on the path as it is helpful for readers to see others who have been through this experience. Even after 3+ years I find myself searching for new materials to read on widowhood. We wids often feel so alone on this journey.

Tomorrow is my 25th wedding anniversary. Today was a full on meltdown unlike any I have had in months. Fortunately, a friend from the board talked to me for a while and helped calm me down. She is having to prepare for her oldest's graduation coming up as well. It sucks not having our spouses here on these special occasions. And I feel for you having to go through so many at one time. Sending you hugs for this difficult week and wishes that you can find some moments within it to enjoy.

I so get this. Yesterday was one those painfully uncomfortable days where I just wanted out of my skin and couldn't escape it. A couple drinks and a long overdue cry last night relieved the pressure.

I look for opportunities to talk about my wife in conversations to the extent that many people would think she is still alive. It makes me feel better to talk about her and makes it all still feel real.

Her progress sounds wonderful.

Thank you for sharing this message and article. It is a good reminder of the dangers of driving exhausted and what is at stake if you do.

I had a good experience with a reading over the phone with Susan Sanderford. She had been recommended by someone on the old board. The reading was on the six month mark and gave me some peace for a while.

Sending you tight hugs and prayers for your son's visit to the cardiologist on Thursday.

Love the story of your T's persistence. May this day be filled with such sweet memories of the great relationship you shared. (((HUGS)))

((((Tweety)))) Sending you hugs and well wishes for a better year three.

Fuck doctors who do not take women's health issues seriously, who just quickly dismiss symptoms to stress, migraines, anxiety, etc. Ooh, this has me truly boiling mad. It is ridiculous how many stories I have heard--and the life-threatening extent of them--of doctors ignoring women's heart health symptoms. I am so glad you ladies finally found the medical attention you deserved and needed. (Note that this is not my wife's story. Our heart health advocacy has been in large part to give back because of the great care she did receive.)

The dog took my girl scout cookies. I could really use a cookie this morning and have no idea where the dog hid them; she doesn't eat 'em. No need to swear in here as I am at home and was able to let loose on a nice tirade. In other news, my sports car continues its streak of bad luck. The first incident was that it rolled off a hill into a tree. In the exhaustion after a 100 hour work week I forgot to set the parking brake and put it in gear. I was so distraught that Mrs. C had to handle the details. It took nine weeks to repair, whereas I had only had it for seven weeks prior to the accident. A few weeks after my wife died, the car was hit by a Presbyterian center bus. This was after I had turned to religion. I remained composed that time and was actually consoling the bus driver. The latest was that a rat took up residency while I let it sit through the winter. Will find out more on the extent of the damage come Monday. More or less taking it in stride. Fuck this life, where I now have perspective that damage to my nicest possession isn't that big of a deal; and where little things, such as not having a small comfort food, can push me over the edge.

Such a moving recollection. Thanks for sharing. ((((Hugs))))

FUCK! I hate Friday afternoons. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuckin hate it. Sorry, at a new client and had to let it out. They don't know that I am messed up yet. So I have been biting my tongue as the end of the week drew near. FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! Friday evenings fucking suck. :-\

Thank you for the hugs and responses. My daughter called me right away to tell me she had fun with her first audition. It was a dance audition, which isn't her strength. She did learn some new moves to practice. Next week she has some auditions where she should get the opportunity to sing, which better suits her. She seems well prepared for the challenges ahead and is trying to have fun and learn with the process.

If you have an iPhone, get iExplorer to save voicemails and texts to your computer.

This is a very moving and inspiring speech. However, the first time I watched it, I had similar thoughts to what Serpico posted. I remember our family pouring everything into a celebration of life for my wife. It was a wonderful event that people will talk about for years. But when the party was over, the real pain began. I am glad to have seen some comments from the NBA and sports community that show that they realize that Mr. Williams has a difficult road ahead. As strong as he is, he will need the help of friends. Wishing all the best for Mr. Williams.

Not sure how two years have gone by. Each day felt so long and painfully never-ending. Yet somehow the calendar just melted away. How can it be two years, when it feels like she was just here? I find myself more numb than anything today. After all, what makes this day any different from the others? She?s as gone today as she was yesterday. A day that I grieved heavily was last Saturday, as I thought about the last time we went out together and how much I wanted to be celebrating another Valentine?s Day with her. This day between the 21st and the 23rd is a day that would be better off just not existing as far as I?m concerned. So here I sit reflecting on the time gone by and contemplating what life should be going forward. I didn?t think I would survive the first year; expected to die of a broken heart. Along the way, I realized that the kids needed me, so I reluctantly existed. The second year was hard as well. I tried to put some purpose in my life and even launched a podcast for women?s heart health awareness. However, I felt like a bit of a fraud having a health show, when I wasn?t interested in taking care of my own health. Lack of overall concentration and low energy levels kept me from performing at levels that I was used to. Around the 18-month mark, I pulled back from the show, further away from people and even disappeared from here. Grief has felt like my closest friend for most of this journey. I held tight to the sadness that felt appropriate having lost my best friend, love, wife and better half of myself. Now, I am tired of grief dragging me down and wallowing in self-pity. It doesn?t bring my wife back. Also, it isn?t me. I want to be that positive, upbeat man that she fell in love with. I want to take back control of my life and enjoy it. I am grateful for the love we have shared and that I feel forever married. I get to still act as her husband and carry on a Legacy for Us in heart health awareness. We have two wonderful children. Even though they are becoming young adults, there is still so much more love we had planned to give to them. And I will. (Today, Our daughter has her first audition on Broadway.) It is time for me to get out and truly enjoy this life. There are sure to be more challenges in year 3. While I don?t see myself as being beyond active grieving, I am determined not to let it control me either. I am ready to be me again. And the cool thing is that I feel even closer to her when I am.

Took the kids to see Finding Neverland when visiting my daughter for Thanksgiving. I have been listening to the cast recording a lot lately to lift me up, particularly Stronger: "In the darkest place, there's the faintest light Gives me hope to face the hardest fight fate delivers me ... I've got to be stronger, reach up higher Must dig deeper, find the fire"

SVS, I like roller coasters, but was never a fan of the fun house. No wonder I am so done with this ride. Jen, sending you (((hugs))). That is about all I got; this grief is exhausting.

The memories of him will come back. Sometimes a place, event or something your daughter does will bring back a memory. Writing them down in a journal will help them stick and give you a point of reference.

Welcome fuchsiasky. I am so sorry that you have reason to join us, but glad that you have found this place. It is full of people who have been through it and understand. It will be two years next Monday since I lost my lovely wife. Fortunately, a lot of that first year is a blur to me now. But I do remember how painful it was when the fog lifted. This forum has been a lifeline for getting through what at times felt unbearable. Sending you (((hugs))).

Sending prayers for your niece.