Mr C

Yes, I am bummed out today as well. My wife loved Valentine's Day. So it was a special day for us, even though we shared our love for each other all of the other days as well. The last time we went out was on Valentine's Day, which makes it bittersweet.

Good for you for going for it. I am sorry you didn't get on and understand how devastating disappointments can be post-loss. It does sound like you had an adventure with the audition process and did have them talking. Next time maybe you get on. Congratulations on being accepted for a Midwifery program.

At almost two years, I don?t feel anywhere close to being beyond active grieving. I am sort of getting used to being alone and don?t cry that often. Yet I still feel my mind and body searching for her. I miss her so much and even though I mostly accept it, sometimes it still shocks me that she is gone. The windows throughout the house are getting replaced this upcoming week. It is quite the undertaking to have to clear out space for them to work. It is good that it is making me pick up and get rid of some items. Our room has been a mess ever since she passed. I had brought three boxes of pictures and placed them in the middle of the floor, where I sat looking through them for days. They have stayed there ever since with items cluttering around. There is much within the bedroom and bathroom that I have not touched, leaving items where she last put them. Her robe hangs on the bathroom door, slippers are by the bathtub, towel drapes over the end of the bed and her purse hangs over the corner post. The chair by the window is full of the laundry she last did, still waiting to be folded. Today, I put the boxes of pictures away?through many tears as I longed for those happy days within. This gave me the access needed to begin tackling the clothes on the chair. The first couple of clothes I placed in a box to keep. The third item was just a plain sports bra. As I placed it with the other articles it hit me, "I?m still not ready."

The kids and I are heading down to Seattle's Pike Place Market to pick up clams and mussels to make our traditional NYE dinner. Mrs. C used to tease that I went all out making NYE dinner so I didn't have to cook the rest of the year. As they grew up, the kids began to help with the meal. I had a meltdown at the market last year. Eventually I pulled it together for dinner. As awful as 2014 was, I wasn't ready for a year without her. Tonight should go better as I am so looking forward to it being 2016.

I understand how heartbreaking it can feel to be so angry at your spouse. Ces was nicest person I know. Yet, every so often all of my emotions of loss and pain boil over into anger at her. It is a natural part of grief. Through your hundreds of posts you have portrayed the wonderful love that you have for and shared with your T. A bit of anger and frustration at him won?t take away from that. Sending you (((hugs))) Jerald

Why is it that we cannot have a thread on being okay alone without having someone feel the need to come in and invalidate that view. I thought that I was pretty clear in my post about how deep rooted my desire of being alone is. I am not worried about guarding my heart from pain. For the love I shared with my wife is worth all of the pain that I am having to endure. I would do it all over again. But I only want to do it with her. Just one regular person in real life had the nerve to tell me that I will find someone else. That was a couple weeks in and I read them the riot act. However, I have had several widowers try to tell me that I will eventually recouple. These people don't know me. There is so much more I want to say right now, but I don't want to invalidate the views of wids that want to find someone else. I have been around here long enough to see how valid of a view that is. But it is also okay not to recouple. And that is what I am choosing.

Love is a beautiful thing; I enjoy reading about my friends on the forum who find the love they are searching for. However, recoupling is not something I desire for myself. At 22 months out, I still feel married to my wife. I start every day telling her that I love her and complete every night the same way. I talk to her all the time, write to her and still get her cards for special occasions including this past week for Christmas. It sucks not having her here with me to enjoy what was supposed to be our time together with the kids starting to leave the house. I do feel very lonely without her. However, the thought of being with anyone else sickens me. I cherish the fact that all of my memories are with her. While thousands of kisses and hand holdings can blur together, I know that those and so many other moments were only shared with her. At the age of 17, I knew that I wanted to find that ONE special person to build a life and family with. I grew up with my father and it was his second marriage that had an impact on my desires. His second came along after he was successful; and there was something I saw in that relationship that I didn?t like long before it eventually failed. It shaped what I was looking for in a life partner. When I met my wife, I knew right away that she was the ONE. We talked ever since about the life we wanted to build together, how we wanted to raise our kids and even what life would be like when they grew up and had kids of their own. It saddens me that she won?t be here when that day comes to have grandchildren?she would have been the best grandmother. Though life hasn?t gone as planned, it doesn?t mean that everything has to change. My heart still says that she was the ONE (and only). The life we created is still in motion. Our plans don?t all go away because she isn?t here. It is important to me to carry out the commitments that I made to her, to me, to us.

Carey, You have been in my thoughts today. Sending you hugs for this day and week.

For these past 21 months, Time has loomed painfully far out in front of me. The thought of life without my wife hurts. I have constantly tried negotiating on how long my life should last (as if that was possible). At first, I wanted to quickly be able to join her. As the fog lifted, I realized I needed to be here for the kids and began stretching the time bit by bit. I still don?t want to go further forward than I had with her. And I don?t want to get beyond 70. Having accepted the need to be here maybe a couple more decades (yuck), I have wanted time to speed by. Then tonight I had this sudden shift in outlook on time. It started with an odd train of thought after I had forgotten a street that I have driven hundreds of times. I began day dreaming about losing my memory in older age and wondering where my wife was. I thought I should make sure the kids know that if this ever happens that they should just tell me that Mrs. C is out shopping and that she gave me a big hug and kiss before she left. Then I could just be in my own little happy time where she is still alive in my mind. As I continued thinking about the possibility of losing my mind in the future, a sense of urgency came over me to get tackling my goals while I still am (somewhat) mentally sharp capable. There is a strong need to make sure that the kids and my future is financially secure and other things are taken care of before it is too late. All of a sudden, Time feels short.

meganj, Sorry that you have had to join this club that no one wants to belong to. But glad that you found your way here. This a good and supportive group and there is always someone who understands what you are going through. There are some members on here who gave birth after loss and many others that had kids that were too young to know their other parent. Lean on them for guidance and support. The rest of us will help where we can too. Sending you tight (((Hugs)))

Jen, Sorry to hear that you had such a rough week. When things go wrong it seems to bring all that pain up to the surface. It sucks and feels so unfair. As for the anger, I get it. The other week I found myself so upset, that I ended up swearing at Mrs. C and cursing myself to hell so that I would never have to be with her ever again. Like that would show the universe. My sweet wife doesn't deserve anything but my deepest love and I want more than anything to be with her again after this life. I just miss her so much and this pain becomes so unbearable at times that I just want to escape it. I do believe some of these emotions are part of the process of trying to carry on without them; which we know they would want us to do to the best of our ability. My anger happened after getting back from Florida with the kids. I had allowed myself some enjoyment and a bit of contentment in life. This lead to a sense of guilt that eventually boiled over to anger and somehow feeling like she must have never really loved me. Finally, after stewing until 3 am, I looked at a note from her that said, "I know at times I have taken your love for granted and I hope you often take mine as one of life's permanent givens." She really did love me! Yet sometimes she got angry at me too. Sometimes she would get so mad--not necessarily at me--that she would scrunch up her face, ball up her fist and punch me in the stomach as hard as she could. I was her safe target to release her emotions. She knew it never hurt me and that I was always there for her. I am sure your Jim is more than willing to take on some of your pain and emotion. He knows how much you love him. Hugs to you, Jerald

I too believe in looking within and finding what is calling out to your soul. When you find Your answer, either take a leap of faith or small steps, such as going back to school, to push forward. Don't let your license hold you back if you find that your passion takes you down a different path. I was a CPA and have fallen back on accounting work while I build my strength and energy back up. My true passion and pursuits are in production, having produced short films, videos and a podcast on heart health.

(((SVS))) That is so beautiful. :'( The strongest signs I have received from Ces have been through songs that totally answer my thoughts or support a given situation. They almost always have been the first song heard when turning on the radio or entering a store. It is amazing how perfect the words can be like this message from T.

I appreciate the opportunity to ponder this question tonight. I know I could be an even better husband to my wife and so wish there is another lifetime to try again. There is so much more I wanted to do for her and feel in hindsight could have done. Over the last 20 months, I have been beating myself up by nitpicking at (mostly career and financial) choices that made life harder for us. For that reason, it means a lot to me to look at this question and say emphatically: No, I do not believe that I could overall be a better husband to someone else than I was to my wife. Yes, there are aspects that I could probably do better because of this grief and because of time in life. But there are other aspects where I don't think I could give as much to someone else. There were compromises that I gladly made for and with her that I can't imagine making for anyone else. My wife and I basically grew up together from high school sweethearts, to starting a life and family together. We made decisions that were hard--and sometimes wrong--but were made for the family we created. That is the important part of me that can't be shared with anyone else.

I like the way you think. If it were my daughter who was the youngest child, we would probably be living in Costa Rica right now. Instead she is chasing her dreams as a musical theater student in New York City. I have suggested to my son that we should move to England and follow the premier league or better yet move to some Mexican coastal village and surf every day. But he just wants to stay here. I think of different locals around the world that I could possibly live when DS gets out of high school in a few years.

Thank you all for the replies. It is great to hear from you. And yes, I will keep posting and look forward to catching up with your journies as well.

Great idea! Not sure what my schedule will look like come the Spring. But put me on the possible list.

Hello friends, I have been hiding in the shadow for most of this year. I have disengaged from most people, which even included responding in these forums. As the numbness wore off, this second year has been marked by the loneliness and devastation of life without my wife. I felt even more out of place with people and didn?t have much to say. I have also been suffering from partial empty-nest syndrome as my daughter moved across the country to go to school in New York. We spent a lot of late nights binging on Netflix together last year. Just like that, a house of four has dropped to just me and my son. It had felt like I had more energy when I entered year two. I started producing the podcast on women?s heart health that I had originally planned to do with my wife. The determination to get this project to launch helped get me through the end of year one. However, my energy levels and bandwidth were a lot lower than realized. I just could not focus my brain to get done all that I desired. It left me questioning my passion for this project and set me in a bit of a tailspin of doubt and depression. In hindsight, I am pleased that this project did get off the ground with about 20 episodes recorded to date and a slowly growing social media following. Even in year two, I still need to be gentle with myself and be o.k. with what does or does not get accomplished. At the end of August I took the train to Vancouver for a few days. This was a good getaway and was the beginning of a slow awakening. In mid-September, I picked up a full-time accounting contract. Last year, I tried to take on some small accounting clients. But the clients were a mess and I was too screwed up to properly help them out. The new contract is with a tech company that is a leader in its industry. It feels good to be in a solid office environment again and my confidence is growing, successfully doing work that is familiar to me. My daughter was on semester break last week. So I took the kids to Universal Studios in Florida to experience the Harry Potter theme parks. This was something that she and her brother--and their father --have been wanting to do ever since the park was announced several years ago. We are big fans of the stories, having read each book to the kids multiple times. We used to go to the bookstore for the midnight releases when the new books came out. The theme park was just about everything we dreamt of, with Diagon Alley, the Hogwart?s Express train, butterbeer, Hogwarts Castle, etc. My favorite part of the trip was watching the kids look through all of the wands in Ollivanders wand shop for just the right wand for them. It was a magical moment. I think I took up about 30 pages writing it all down in a journal for my wife. So here I am maybe becoming human again. Or at least, trying to learn to live through this devastation. All the best, Mr. C

Deb, just wanted to send you (((HUGS))) and support. Yes, this grief is exhausting, but it does get better. Year one was so much about survival. Part of that survival was to give myself a break, not stress out about getting everything done, and being o.k. with those days when practically nothing got done.

I could come up for a bago any of those weekends.

Our family had a big group come out to walk this morning in memory of my wife at Seattle's Heart Walk. After the walk, a friend of my wife's extended family came up to me and asked, "Are you dating yet?" When I tried to say that I wasn't interested in dating, she proceeded to advise me that I should be because I am "still a young man." : This is one of those questions that I knew would come eventually. But, the timing made no sense. Why is this the opening of a conversation? Why at a time we are honoring my wife?

Go for it! I'll come down and spring you loose if it comes to that.

Sending you hugs and understanding. At almost 17 months, the reality in year 2 is setting in and I have been trying to push myself back into life; though I often just want to hide away from society. Struggles with concentration and memory also have me in a funk. It sucks to feel like just a shell of myself, especially when I have projects that I really care about. My therapist called me out on my defeatist attitude last week. Just have to keep pushing through, continue to take baby steps and accept small accomplishments, I guess.

Broadway music is back in the C house. DD is home for three weeks before returning to New York for summer classes. She is blasting her playlist while awaiting the Tony's to be shown on the west coast. It will be fun watching the awards together tonight, especially having seen some of the nominees this year.

In the middle of the speech, Mr. Biden talks about some advice that he got from a former attorney general who was also a young widower. BIDEN: "He said, 'You know what helped me: start to keep a calendar. Keep a calendar, and every night when you go to bed mark in that calendar whether the day was a 1?which was as bad as the day you heard the news?or a 10.' He said, 'You won?t have 10?s for a long time, but measure it. Just mark it down. After 2 months, take out that calendar and put it on a graph and you will find that your down days are just as bad as the first day. But here?s what happens, they get further and further apart.' He said, 'That?s when you know your going to make it.' That?s when you know you are going to make it, when you realize the measures of your progress, you mothers, you fathers, you husbands, you wives, you brothers, you sisters. That is when you know. That?s when you know I might make it." Today was a good day for me to see Mr. Biden's speech in its entirety. I am coming off of a couple days that were 1's and it is so hard to see the light when going through such darkness. Maybe being able to see the progress on paper would make it a little easier to ride out the lows and begin to believe that I am going to make it. Here is the full version of Joe Biden's speech: