beth_krkswidow

Exactly.  Keep venting.  Keep venting.  We understand.  Those imbeciles we have to deal with day in and day out do NOT. They think we should be "over" it.  Like that's even possible.

I AM doing so very much better than I was.  I can see the difference. The horrible excruciating physical pain and anguish is not omnipresent as it was.  I have days of being ok.  I even have fun.

However.  It is as if I am living someone else's life.  It doesn't really feel real.

I want my old life back.  I want the old me back.  I don't like the new me.  And I don't like my new life.

It's all so surreal.

Amen Kk, amen

Aaack

I inadvertently hit the report to moderator button!

How to undo?

Hi Ruth.

So sorry.  So sorry.  His birthday was worse than even Christmas for me.  I'm so sorry you have those 2 dates, his birthday and sadiversary coming up.  I wish I had words of wisdom.  I don't.  It sucks.  I try to tell myself he is worth all the pain.  That doesn't help at all.  But it is true.  True... but not helpful.  Warm hugs and so very sorry.

Perfect.  Just perfect.  Thank you for sharing it.

So sorry for your loss. No suggestions other than give yourself whatever you need. At your point i was catatonic. You sound so very much better and farther along than I.  But be prepared for many manny ups and downs. There is no roadmap. There is no normal. Just know this is a life saving place to come when you want or need. Again, so sorry you had to join us here

People are idiots.  I used to be a nice person.

Now I pretty muxh hate people

Hugs to you.

Sorry to tell you that you are experiencing completely normal rwactions.

I was catatonic for months and wanted to drive off a cliff for a year.

It's pure hell and the only way through is one day one hour one moment at a time.

So sorry you had to join us here

So sorry for your loss.  You will be up and down for quite awhile.  Perfectly normal.

Everything is normal and nothing is abnormal.

Warm hugs

Where has the time gone.

Seems like forever and seems like yesterday.

sending hugs

Sending hugs

Wow. Thank you Judy.

15 years,

I never thought I would make it a year.

Thank you so much

At 20 months it has finally truly gotten softer. People here said it would. I didn't believe them. But it has.  I no longer want to drive off a cliff. I  still have no purpose to l7ve. Maybe that's what's next

Perfect perfect description...

Decided not to die, but haven't decided to live.

Perfect. And NObody outside the widowed understands that. For a year I actively wanted to be in the ground with him. I wanted to drive off a cliff.

Somewhere close to a year i came to where you are now. Decided not to die but hadn't decided to live

At 20 months, I  find joy in some parts of living.  So that is different.  It's progressing I suppose. Still haven't figured out a REASON to live. He was my reason to live.

So sorry you're in this hell with the rest of us

Yes. This sucks.

All of it.

So sorry.

Sometimes one minute at a time.

So so sor3y

Oh matts, I  am so sorry. Sorry for your loss. Sorry you are going through this hell. So so sorry

At your point I was still catatonic. 

Give yourself grace.

Sending hugs.

Want to add my hugs too, Virgo, on your 4 year Sadiversary

I think Englishwidow said it beautifully.

I am at almost 20 months.  I remember reading here that it would "get softer" over time.  I didn't believe them.  I wanted to drive off a cliff and I could not imagine ever not feeling the unrelenting physical pain.  The PHYSICAL pain is gone.  It HAS gotten softer.  I miss him every day.  I still have not moved his clothes, his shampoo from the shower, his jeans hanging in the bathroom, or the dried out flowers from his funeral.  But that's ok.  They don't hurt me.  I still dance with his picture.  But.  It has gotten softer.  I can feel joy.  I can smile genuinely again.  I will always miss him. I cannot believe I have made it this far.  But I have.  You will too.  Don't rush anything.  Sending you warm hugs.

So sorry. So sorry

I did not think I could survive.  Absolutely did not think it was possible.  And I looked forward to that.  I had absolutely no desire to survive.  At the first Widow Grief Group I went to, the first widower that shared began with,

"My wife died a year ago."

My mind exploded at that point because I remember thinking, How the HELL did he survive a YEAR?  I remember nothing else about that first Grief Group except that.  I was just so shocked that someone could actually survive it.

As I said, not only was I sure I could not survive, I had absolutely no desire to survive.  I wondered how I would die, but never ever did it occur to me that I would not die.

Well, here I am at 19 months.  It has gotten softer.  I don't have 20 crying jags a day.  Maybe just one.  I still miss him like crazy and can't imagine the rest of my life.  Somehow (I credit my Grief Group) I survived it.  Still not crazy about having survived it, but the pain has gotten bearable.

I didn't believe those further out when they said you will survive and it will get softer.  But they were right.

Good or bad, they were right.

So sorry you had to join us here.

I think forever we will have conflicting thoughts and emotions.

Good we have this place to say those things we can't say to normal people.

Hugs

You did what you needed to do.  Your kids didn't understand but nobody.  NOBODY.  NO BODY understands.  Only the widowed understand what actually happens when we are widowed.  And no two of us react the same way.  You reacted in the way you needed to at the time.  As you said, it kept you sane.  NO BODY understands.  Nobody has the right to judge but judge they will.  Don't be so hard on yourself.  You survived.  And in those early days, that is really really iffy.  hugs.

My husband did not die in an accident. But it still took me many monthe before I  could read the report. But at that late date I had to. As did you. Our brains can absorb a bit more now. I  think at some point you just have to read it

So so sorry amycamp. So sorry.

Sending hugs