beth_krkswidow

Thank you , Julester and Missing. Nice to have crying buddies.

Hugs

I can't stop crying today.  Probably because I am home.  Alone of course.  As long as I am at work, I can function fairly normally.  The weight of his loss is constantly there, but I can function as long as I am out and about.  But it's getting pretty expensive to keep having breakfast and lunch out with friends.  So today, I am at home and can't stop crying. 

Yes, sending hugs your way.  And thank you for sharing.  No words of wisdom come to mind.  Just wanted to let you know your post brought tears and I'll be thinking of you and your girls.  The What ifs...

Oh, Candice,  I am so very very sorry.  No, you should not be in this situation.  None of us should.  And anger is very natural and normal.  I certainly have my anger times.  Some more than others.  You are so very new to this.  You have no control over your emotions.  None of us does in the first months.  I am at 10 months and still have anger issues and sometimes no control at all over my emotions.  Cry and breathe, and accept any and all help that is offered.  Hugs, and so very sorry.

There is a girl in our young widoes grief group, who comes to my widow breakfasts. She is in your situation. Her Patrick is buried at the same cemetery as my Kirk. We sometimes visit them together. She is going through the same hell I am.  She lost the love of her life and neither of us want to go on.  She, and you, are widows.  Not in the legal sensr. But this is not a legal matter.  This is a matter of the heart. I am so sorry that you had to join us.  Hugs to you.  Beth

Thank you,  Kate. So good to know I'm not the only one.  Hugs

My gorgeous wife of sixteen years died in November. I don't know if numb is the right word for me, but I can say that life has lost all its joy and savour. I used to believe I enjoyed the simple things in life, but I realize now I just enjoyed doing stuff with her. Now those same things are just a burden, when they're not actively painful reminders of what I've lost. I carry on with my pastimes and hobbies, but there's no joy. My life seems to have had all its colour rinsed out. It's a dreary, blasted wasteland.

What a perfect description.  All the color has been rinsed out of my life. Exactly.

So so sorry, Missing, so sorry. At 10 months, his toothbrush is still in its holder, his clothes remain where they were. I haven't even unpacked his hospital bag. I still can't move anything. Do or don't do, whatever is right for you. It's your grief. Don't let anyone tell you what you should do. I'm so sorry you are here. Hugs.

Oh, so so sorry you are here. So sorry. You are right. NO ONE understands except those unfortunate enough to experience this worst of all losses. Do listen to Julester and put something of his in a plastic bag. I didn't and the only thing I have that has his scent is his hairbrush.  I am so sorry. I wish I had words of encouragement.  It's pure hell, and faith does not ease that. Your Christian NON-widowed friends will expect 'your faith to carry you" through. I was a very "strong" Christian,  a "great" prayer warrior.  My faith has kept me from driving off a cliff, but that's all. Being a strong Christian does NOT  negate the fact that you are now shattered, broken,  irreparably changed. So don't feel as if it should.  One moment at a time.  Warm hugs and I am so very sorry for your loss.

Thank Mr and Julester3 for sharing ..

I guess i lost my joy .. i took care of him for 5 years .. it was tough seeing him in pain .knowing he is at peace is just a relief  but suddenly i feel that the whole world is enemy..The kids are away for college .no more nurses or doctors appointment .my house is so quite ..i have the TV on the minute i enter the house ..i tried  to work part time ..i go out once a while with friends but what make them happy .it means nothing to me ..i miss his energy being there and i feel angry that he left early and suffered big deal..

and then this emptiness …inner emptiness …

 

Exactly.  Lost my joy.  They were our joy.  Now it's just emptiness.  I say I'm a head and feet.  Nothing in between.  At Grief Group the facilitator said, "It's like half your heart is gone."  I said, "NO.  My WHOLE heart is gone."  She now quotes me.  Utter emptiness.  Utter utter void.

Thanks Manoj maybe I'll try meetup. I tried them years ago when I was looking to meet some older stay at home moms but I never actually went to any events. I've always found it hard to make new friends but it would be nice to have someone in real life to talk to about what I'm going through that really gets it. If I told my friends and family what I were really feeling or thinking most of the time they would probably think I'm crazy (which I am at times.)

Exactly.  (can't tell "normal" people how we feel or what we are really thinking... that cliff looks really good about now)

I actually started a Widow Breakfast.  I started it a couple months after Kirk died.  Started by inviting some widows and widowers that I knew (all ages) and we meet once a month for breakfast.  We now meet twice a month because once a month isn't enough.  Wids have invited other wids and we have around 20-25 wids show up.  We usually stay for 2 hours or more.  We cry, we laugh, we just enjoy being with other people who GET IT.  After the first few, I started bringing name tags and filling them out because no one knew each other.  Good friends have been made.  (I put a heart sticker on name tags of those of us widowed under a year).  It doesn't help anything get BETTER.  It just helps being around people who GET IT. 

I just can't take this.  I do not know how to go on.  I can put one foot in front of the other.  I just cannot fathom doing this for YEARS.  I can't take it.  I just want him back.  I can't take it.  I cry all the time when I'm at home.  I miss him so much.  I just can't take it.

Nicky - it doesn't sound odd to me. I felt the same way - walking out of the hospice room at the hospital, into the sunshine of a hot July day, I literally couldn't believe the world was still turning.

I know that feeling exactly.  HOW can the world just keep going?  I remember looking at a gas station ... a gas station, why?  No clue.  I looked at it and just couldn't believe that it was still operational and going on as if nothing had happened.  It was just a gas station, nothing significant about it. 

No clue how we'll make it.

OMG, KK, I am so sorry.  People are idiots.

That is wonderful!  Congratulations to you both.

Felicitations!  Wonderful!

Thank you for all you do.  My Honey gave to different charitable organizations.  He always did intense research to make sure the money actually went to the organizations ~ you would be astounded at the BIG NAME ones that are TERRIBLE.  Anyway, I think he would be pleased with my donating here.  Thanks again for your heart and work for this website.

Thank you so much for all of your work on this site! I appreciate you!!

yup.

My 9 months will be on Saturday.  And I cannot believe how bad it is.  I still can't believe he's gone.  I don't want to go on.  I miss our Life.  I miss him. I miss me.  Because I most definitely am not me.  I just hate this life.  Hate it. 

See, I don't think my brain has completely wrapped itself around the fact that he's never coming home.  I KNOW that.  But somehow I don't "know" that.  I just want him back and cannot understand how I am still existing. 

So sorry for your loss,  so sorry you had to join us here.  No words of wisdom,  just wanted to send you a hug.  Beth

That is so cool, KK.

We all have a brand of crazy.  It's what keeps us sane (ha).  My Honey is buried; so instead of walking around with a bone in my purse, I try to imagine what stage of decomp he is in whenever I go to the cemetery.  Yes, really.  I even thought about googling it, but then thought better of it.  I figured the authorities might come swooping in and dig up my yard, looking for bodies in some stage of decomp.

Thanks, Mrs. HUgs to you too

At 8 and a half months, and I still have not dreamt of him once.  I just want to dream about him the way I did when he was alive.  I dreamt about him all the time then!  Now, not one dream.  I just want to be with him, even for a minute, in my dreams.