beth_krkswidow

I just can't take this.  I do not want to be here.  I absolutely do not want to be here.  I want My Honey back.  I want to be with him and I can't take this. 

Nicky, I am so sorry.  So very sorry.  I don't know when, but they say (the omniscient "they") say it will come.  I am at 8 and a half months, and I cannot remember the good times.  I cannot.  All I think about is the fact that he's gone, and the last 48 hours of his life.  I cannot remember the good times.  I have heard (probably here) that it is normal not to be able to remember the good times at first.  I don't know why; but I know it's true.  So very very sorry.  Hugs.

Not crazy.  Widowed.  We are in an altered state.  Irrevocably and permanently.  Sending you warm hugs.  Don't know how we'll get through.  But knowing others are eating ash, physically or metaphorically, somehow is ... better than not knowing that. 

Birthday, WifeofT, Birthday.  Don't know who it was here who said their friends just say "Birthday" since it certainly isn't happy.  So, Birthday, WifeofT.  And hugs.  Beth

Hey, WifeofT, I shaved for the first time in months today too!  No idea why, just did.  No reason to anymore.  Then, totally unrelated, couldn't stop crying.

My mom, who has a form of dementia, has been staying with me since my world ended.  She is keeping me from driving off a cliff.  Well, when I gave her her morning pills yesterday, she choked.  And then things got weird.  Bad enough that I decided she should see a doctor.  She probably has a throat stricture which will need to be stretched.  So, after taking her to the doctor and going to the grocery store to buy all things soft and slippery ~ her diet until the throat stretching... well, by then I'd almost forgotten it was V.D.

And most of the day was gone, so... compared to Christmas (horrible) and his birthday (utter nightmare), yesterday was a breeze!

So so sorry. WHat the others said is true. ABSOLUTELY doesn't sound dumb at all. What you are feeling,  unfortunately,  is utterly normal. WArm hugs

So so sorry you had to join us.  Sending you warm hugs

Oh, kp, I'm so5sorry. Sorry we're on the same time line.  Sorry we're all here. Here, on Valentine's Day.  We never really did much in VD but still..

Amen to the above responses.  Absolutely!  Aarrggh!

Totally been there. I was never suicidal, but I kept hoping that I would get cancer myself, some terrible natural disaster would happen, or a nuclear bomb would come down and take me away from this earth. I still hope every time I get a headache or get sick that its more than it is. I'm 3 months out and feel so empty most of the time. I hope it gets better for you <3

Exactly.  Exactly.  I can't believe anyone else thinks these exact things!

Holy crap. I'm flabbergasted.  Truly. What species are these people? SO sorry you're going through this in addition to everything else

Oh, HCE...with tears running down my face, Yes, you are correct. I stand corrected.

Oh, Adley, I'm so sorry.

I hear you

Hugs

8 months and I still can't process that he is NEVER coming back.  My brain knows that but somehow someway I, the real me, cannot accept that.  Maybe I am crazy.  But yes, it has gotten worse.  Possibly because I was so numb for so long.  I send you hugs.  Not that they help, but I don't know what else to do in this nightmare that is now our life.

Oh, Leah, I am so sorry.  yes, you do.  Sorry, but you should probably roll up that welcome mat and hide it for now.  It's hard to say "no".  It really is, especially in the fragile state you are in.

Hope to hear you can get them gone soon.  In the meantime trying to send you some strength with some fierce hugs.

OK, now practice.... N.  O.  N.O.  No.

xxoo

Yeah, and at New Year's everyone was saying, well I hope your new year is better.

Ummmm.... the worst possible has already happened.  The absolute worst.  Much much much worse than my own death, sooo.... It cannot BE a worse year.  So I guess it will be "better" but "better" doesn't mean much now.  It pretty much means breathing in and breathing out.

Thanks for the input everyone!  Sorry I never responded till now.  I decided to go ahead and let them borrow it for the party, and they never even used it.  I took it back shortly after, and have come to find out that she is still mad about it, and I got a long message from her today explaining the emotional significance of the microscope and how she would like to "keep it in her family line."  I feel somewhat guilty, as I am conscious of its history, but she obviously doesn't recognize its significance to me (since she offered to "buy me another one"), and if it's so important, why did she not think of it till 3 years later when her son wanted a science party, and then not even remember to use it once in her possession?

 

Sigh.... As mentioned before, she can be pretty manipulative, and part of me hates to have this drive a wedge between us, but I also don't respond well to manipulation, and it makes me feel even less open to considering a compromise (whether that's right or wrong, I don't know).

 

Sorry, just needed to vent while I cool down before formulating a response to her tomorrow...

My response to that is, why don't you tell her you will 'will' it to her children.  I am correct that you said you have no children, right?  So, if her concern REALLY is to keep it in "the family" (implying you are not in the family... ummmmm... hello).  Anyway, if that really is her concern, why don't you will it to her children, then it will remain in "the family".  How can she argue with that?  (but I bet she will).  Of course if you don't want to do that, that, again, is completely up to you.  It is YOURS!

 

These items have become 'your' things. Distribute, or not, as YOU see fit.

 

I gave some family items back to my SILs/BIL/MIL and kept others for my children. I asked them what they wanted if anything, but still, the decision was mine. Not everyone was 100% thrilled with my choices.

 

Good luck - Mike

 

ps - My advice is a big fat NO to SIL re the microscope as basically, she wanted to steal it. (Possession without permission and/or compensation). You offer her touchiness and prickliness as an item to take into account when dividing up things. You can't see this but I am pointing at my face signaling "This is my don't-give-a-shit-face".

I second what Mike said.  The microscope is YOURS.  I don't care if you were married for a minute.  It's yours. 

Oh, and what twin mom said too!  I hadn't even gotten that far! 

I highly recommend them.  I currently go to 2 Grief Groups and did go to a Grief Class.  All held at Funeral homes.  The best one is one I attend at a funeral home that is for young widows (under age 65).  Reason being, they originally had one widow group and the young ones (who want to drive off a cliff) couldn't relate to the older ones who were pretty much resigned to the fact and accepted it.  So, my "young widow" group is wonderful.  I have made some incredible new friends.  We've have done other things together outside grief group.  I put together a Widow/Widower breakfast and we go out for breakfast once a month.  Some of the people from my Grief Group have attended those breakfasts.  I've visited the cemetery with a widow who used the same cemetery so we now visit each other's husbands whenever we go to the cemetery.  Anyway, the friendships I've gained, bittersweet as they are, have been a godsend.

Does Grief Group help?  Not in the sense that it makes anything better.  But it is WONDERFUL to be surrounded by people who GET IT.  It is just wonderful to be able to say, "I have NO REASON TO LIVE.  I wish I were in the ground with him.".... and to get NO argument, just agreement.  So, that is the benefit of Grief Group to me.  Other people who also want to drive off a cliff, who understand, who hug me, who call when they can't stop crying, and whom I can call when I can't stop crying. 

Plus, with the group, there are suggestions from one person to the others.  What one person does, another may not have thought of.  Nothing is off limits in Grief Group. And if you have a good facilitator, who guides but doesn't take over, who lets us talk about whatever and supplies boxes and boxes of Kleenex as well as snacks and a fridge full of drinks.

The other Grief Group that I go to, is at the funeral home that I used for my husband.  Being in a small town, it meets less often and is for anyone.  I continue going to that one, but it is NOT as good (by a long shot) as the young widow one. 

I'd check with the LARGEST funeral home in your area.  You don't have to have used them to go to their grief Groups. 

Hoping you find a GOOD one.

Hugs

Thank you Adley.  I went to visit his grave today.  But today I also visited the grave of the fiancé of a girl I met in Grief Group.  He died on Christmas Day.  So today is her 1 month.  I remember one month so very well.  Again,  Thank you.

8 Months today.  I can't believe it.  I remember at my first Grief Group meeting, there was a guy whose wife had died a year earlier.  I remember looking at him and thinking, "A YEAR?!"  How the heck can you survive a YEAR?  And now I am at 8 months.  Survived 8 months.  One more day, one more milestone, without him.  My Honey, I miss you so much. 

I also put the cards in a box.  They have been opened now, but I still have not sent the thank you cards.  Everything is still on a table.  Everything that was sent to me, everything from the funeral home, all the thank you cards, unwritten, everything.  Don't do anything until you're ready.  Everything you are experiencing is normal.  Horribly undeniably normal.  Including the pain in the chest.  The physical pain has finally subsided for me (I'm at 8 months today) but only the physical pain.  Work is good.  It's my saving grace.  It lends a distraction, though the awareness of the grief is omnipresent. 

I have not had one dream about him, and I want to dream about him so badly. I just want to be with him, even for a minute in a dream. So far, not one dream.

So sorry, Kaleigh, so sorry you're going through this