beth_krkswidow

I am so sorry, Rebecca. Just so sorry. No words. Just know we are here. Warm hugs.

Hugs to hold me together... yes, that sounds like a good idea. We all need hugs to hold us together... or try to put us back together. But I feel like Humpty Dumpty. NOthing will ever put me back together... but hugs are good. So, hugs to you... warm hugs.

HCE, Welcome, and as MACC said, Hugs. That truly was a rare and most special gift she gave you. How wonderful. You said, " It's become clear to me that only those who have been through this kind of trauma really understand how it feels. It also seems that it gets harder as time goes by and the reality of what has happened sinks in. I just miss her so much. So here I am." Yup. Nobody else gets it. Not even close. Sometimes I think they are all idiots. So sorry you had to join us here, but welcome.

Yes. Yes. Hm. ANother day farther, another day closer. May it be soon.

Hi Julie, I am so very very sorry that you had to join the worst of all clubs. I am so sorry. My advice is to make no decision regarding this. You are in total shock. I am still in partial shock at 7 months. I still cannot make any major decisions. YOu don't have to decide now, so don't. I am a master at procrastination now I Scarlett O'Hara just about everything, and I suggest you do that too, at this mind numbingly painful point. Sending hugs, and, again, I am so sorry, Beth

Amen, amen, amen! Exactly. Flat tire, buying a replacement tire...being told I need 3 more new tires... Never had to deal with taking care of these things, or wondering if they are telling me the truth. Never had to worry about anything. Carrying 36 pound bags of dog food, carting hay and horse feed, ...trekking out to the pasture in single digit temps to feed and water our blind horse. Our blind horse that I took in....but that HE took care of... So many things... I want My Honey

Leah, sending you love and a hug. I wish I could make it better. I really do. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. So sorry we all are. Love and hugs.

Hugs to you both! Leah, I won't do anything "stupid" as they say. It is not something Kirk would condone and neither would my faith. So, as I say in Grief Group: I won't drive off a cliff, but if someone pushes me off a cliff, that would be just fine with me! Thanks so much for the moral support! And, Wife of Tomasz, Yes, absolutely there are times when I absolutely think I cannot, absolutely cannot, make it one more minute. Nor do I want to. But. I am here. And I promise I will not drive off a cliff. Hugs to you both and thank you so very much. It just means so much that someone understands... today at work a song came on and it made me cry. Not sobbing hysterically, just tears running down my face. My manager saw me and she said, "NOW, what?" .... Now, what... as in, You think there is something NEW for me to cry about, since, obviously I should be over this whole grieving thing. AAarrrgghhh! I hate this, just hate it. But... I am grateful for this site and the people here, who truly understand, and not only understand, they don't judge. Thanks so much for that.

hugs to you all. With tears in my eyes, I read this thread, written when I was blissfully unaware of this site, or the hell which we now inhabit. Just hugs.

Everyone keeps telling me I should be better, except you here who are walking the same road. They tell me I have so much to live for. They cannot comprehend that everything in my life was intertwined with him. Nothing is worth it anymore. Work. Really? I worked so that some day we could retire and do the things we planned. My dogs. I love them. They are a source of joy and comfort. They are not a reason to live. A reason to get up in the morning, but not a reason to live. They survived Kirk's passing; they would survive mine. I have no reason to go on. Nothing to look forward to. Work distracts me. It doesn't fulfill me. Sleep allows me short bits of escape, but I have not slept a full night since his death. When I sleep, I awaken dozens of times throughout the night. And I still have many many sleepless nights. I look forward to sleep, only for the escape, and it eludes me. 7 months and I feel as if I still can't stop crying.

I struggle with memories too, BlueGreen. I know they are there but it is difficult to bring them up. People always tell me to remember the good times. But I find it difficult to bring up specific memories. Not that they have faded, per se, it's like my mind has a mental block against bringing them back. It's hard to explain. I wasn't as wise as Julester and didn't put his shirts in plastic bags. Didn't think of that. But I do still have all of his toiletries in the bathroom. Sometimes I use his soap just to smell him. And sometimes I just smell his deodorant or whatever. I have his hair brush and when I pull that out to smell, it brings back a warmth. Not specific memories, just a warmth and usually tears. Hugs, Beth

Right there with you, MB!

That is beautiful. Brought on the tears.

So sorry, Leah, to hear all of this. FIrst and foremost, so sorry you're here I have no words of wisdom. I am in shock that people can be so cruel. So I'll just send you a hug, Beth

No profound words here, either. Just knowing whereof you speak, and being right there with you.

Hugs to you on this most special and bittersweet day.

Hugs to you both. Hugs.

Thank you, Wife of Tomasz.

Exactly. 8 days, wow. I was catatonic and barely taking care of the dogs at 8 days Hugs, Georgina. So sorry you had to join us here

I can't stop crying. It is the last night of the last day of the last year in which he lived. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that I will wake up in a year he never inhabited. I can't take this anymore. I want my Honey. I don't know how to live in this world without him. I cannot stop crying.

Don't give the step another thought. I have a few words to say about your brother for even relaying that info... I was not raised in a shut up family, but right now I probably should just do that.

Right there with you. No baby, but all the feelings you (all of you ) put into words so well. This morning I woke up and once again the horrible truth smacked me in the facr. It's true. He's gone. I don't get it. It can't be true. I don't understand how people survive this. I really don't. HOW do they survive this hell? I don't know how and I really don't want to.

Thank you Geminigirl, Eileen, and MB. It is comforting to know I am not alone; though horrible to think any of us are here. yes, numb autopilot is a perfect description. And, MB, your quote: "People are also so very cruel. I just cannot imagine what is wrong with people when they wish a new widow a very happy "Merry Christmas." Makes me want to punch them all in the face." ... Couldn't agree with you more. I just can't figure out what they think! Sending hugs to you all, though it doesn't help, don't know what else to do...

Never in a million years, would I have ever guessed, last Christmas, that I would be visiting his grave this Christmas. I still can't believe it. I actually visited his grave twice today. I had to. I just had to be "with" him. Not that it helps, but I still just can't believe it. 7 months today, Christmas Day. You'd think after 7 months that I would believe it. That it would have sunk in. But it hasn't. It just hasn't. Everyone said the holidays are the worst. They aren't lying. I miss My Honey. I hate this life without him. I just hate it.

Thank you. Funny, we're the same and we're opposite. Pets. YEes, I have 2 huge dogs, a cat who barged in on our no cats household... and a blind horse. YEs, they help I was a big prayer warrior before. But now I find it difficult to pray? Thanks so much... and hugs to you