RyanAmysMom

You've done a great job of expressing everything you're going through. I'm so sorry you're here.. but welcome.. I'd say more than anything... everything you're going through is pretty normal... don't apologize for what you feel... The grief will come and go... The sexual urges will come and go. The desire for our "best friend" and the intimacy of the relationship will be pretty constant for a while... Be prepared for a roller coaster ride.... But... You sound like you had a lot of anticipatory grieving, and that may make your days a little softer... Blessings to you - keep coming here... check in ... let us know how it's going.

Congrats Sudnlysngl!!!! That's so exciting! I love that you're trying to heal that wound! And I am impressed with your courage! Great job!

@laurie27 YES! That's the kind of progress we need! And at 4 1/2 months, that's pretty big! Congrats to you!

I know things are sometimes really hard around here.... And it's hard to see beyond today. But.... Perhaps we could also offer some vision and hope to others who are coming up behind us? What BIG (or little) things have you accomplished recently? *Tonight I submitted my LAST PAPER toward my MASTERS degree! I was so weak and broken and lost when my hubby passed just shy of 4 years ago. But I have felt him guide me every step.... through every struggle... I'm grateful for the strength I've gained. And I'm thankful for the ability to keep moving forward. So... Your turn.... What are you accomplishing? What brave things are you doing? What big challenges or changes are you facing? It could be something like cleaning a closet or a junk drawer.. Some days it's as little as getting up and taking a shower.... It could be a new job or promotion...

Oh Joan! You're already learning the language! Welcome to this awful club.... And tonight....... Fuck learning to communicate with someone new.... Seriously (ok not seriously) considering trying on a woman because communicating with a man is fucking impossible. And I'll apologize for this one in advance: Fuck my darling prude daughter who frowns on mom drinking alcohol. Mom's havin a few tonight..... (I suppose that's what I get for raising her right!)

Geez... you truly independent people make me feel like a schmuck.... I've been sitting here literally crying because I don't see my new guy as often as I want to. It's so hard to work out communication differences.... He's perfectly content to call me and tell me good night... and that's it for the day.. and he's ok with not seeing each other but once or twice a week... I need so much more than that... It's hard to go from the "marriage" relationship to the "dating" relationship and honor those boundaries.... I texted him at noon.. and again at 6... and he never responded all day.. He called about an hour ago to say good night.... and I was crying... I was feeling so rejected, and so lonely, and so pathetic.... I've told him that I will adjust my expectations.. but would appreciate a response to texts.... doesn't seem like that should be difficult.... But those of you who go days without communicating with your special people..... I just don't understand that level of independence... I am far too needy and insecure.... (And in some ways, I think there will be issues of trust in any relationship I have that's not a marriage..... ) Ok... I keep learning from all of you and your experiences and wisdom.. Thanks so much for being transparent and sharing... I suppose this will be fodder for my next therapy appointment.... Jen

Fuck social media and everybody's fucking happy (fake) Father's Day posts...

God bless you both, and prayers continuing to come your way.... I pray you find some answers -- eventually! That PTSD-like feeling is real... don't ignore it.... keep sharing it... we're here.

Guys... It's so nice to have all of you... I've never met any one of you and yet I feel almost like some of you are family! I SO appreciate having people who truly understand and who don't judge...... God bless you! Thanks for the validation... and the advice and the thoughts.... And..... seriously...... if anyone knows what I"m supposed to do next..... I'm happy to give you my number so we can talk! Cuz I'm L.O.S.T.

it's so nice to be validated.... and not feel so crazy! Thanks, tybec.....

I didn't know how to categorize this comment... or question.. or... I don't even know what this is going to be. ....... Ugh.. I am coming up on 4 years since hubby died. And I feel so strong, and I've made so much progress, and I've built such a great life..... and at the same time, I"m so weak, and so stuck, and so dissatisfied...... Perhaps I"m entering something of a mid-life crisis.... (does 47 count?!) So, my son just graduated and is showing the hopeful signs of wanting to become independent. My daughter has 3 years left in high school and she'll be off to college. Before hubby died, we had a PLAN.. and I worked the PLAN. he'd retire, I'd work... so I went back to school, got my credential...got the teaching job.... Since he passed, I have been working on my Master's and working hard teaching..... And I'm starting to feel like the PLAN has played out. So.... now what??? I don't know how to make these kinds of decisions without my partner... without his guidance and planning and vision and wisdom..... And I feel so fucking lonely. Damn, I hate that word. I'm sick of that word. I want that word to go away. It's the root of all of my freaking self pity..... So... there's also new guy.. who is fabulous and I'm freaking falling crazy in love.... and we've started talking about long term commitment... and then we started talking about moving out of state.. (If you're a conservative in California, you are very uncomfortable these days...) And I'd love to just pick up and go... But I cant..... yet.... I can't do that to my daughter.... And my parents are aging...... they need me..... But I don't want to be here any more. I want to move on...... But I also want to do what's right for ME. For once in my freaking life, I want to be selfish. And I can't. and it's so unsettling.... I hate that word.. Unsettled....... but I suppose I need to just live in it for a while...... ugh.... Sorry for rambling... and I don't know if anyone can even discern a question in all of this... but thanks for reading.....

What a difference a week makes... Sitting home alone, feeling lonely, sorry for myself... depressed as all get out.... damn....

I hate to agree with the others, but your 4 year old probably won't remember much. And frankly, none of them will remember the way you do. I suppose I have taken solace in knowing this: My child won't go through the kind of lifelong agony/grief that I will. My child is a little more free from the kind of pain I've had. Yes, my kids have a void and they have questions, but the don't have the pain of loss like I do. (I know it doesn't help much now..... but maybe someday it'll give you all some perspective on how you're all processing the experience)

Rob, congrats! You survived! And going from a 5% to a 64%??? That IS epic! Congratulations to your girls, as well! Tomorrow I get to hold my son's hand as he puts in his application to our local Junior College - He is opting to stay home for a year before he transfers to the University to study BioMedical Engineering. ( 😮Whatever that is................. I feel so old...... )

Kids and I are headed out to a graduation celebration for my bestie's girls. Its about 50 miles away, so it also gets me a little change of scenery..... Should be a fun evening with my extended "family."

I had to laugh when I read this, Mike! You hit it exactly! I spent a long time trying to figure out what feeling came first.... What led to the whirlwind of irrational emotional crap? A couple of days later, when I was less hormonal, and less emotional, I brought it up and we talked about it - partly because something similar happened a few days later.... (And Maureen - that resentment was seriously building at that point!) And his response was gold: "It's ok honey, I know you get lonely and look forward to seeing me. I know you're disappointed when I'm busy." And that was pretty much exactly it. The night I almost lost my mind, I was so lonely..... and not just lonely for him.... but longing for several things in life that aren't accessible right now... (like....all of my security and comfort!) He understood me better than I did - and already knew all of my complaints - and I felt HEARD. We're working on the communication - it's hard to communicate expectations with someone new when you've been in a long term relationship - they just become second nature.... and having to bring that kind of communication back to the forefront in a new relationship is exhausting! But so worth it! Thanks everybody!

God bless you for being able to carry on and accomplish so much since his passing! Just a couple of random thoughts, as I've read a couple of your posts today: Over time, yes, it will get better. I recall asking the same question. I didn't believe even at 16 months out that it would ever improve. But it will. Slowly. You may not see it day to day, or even month to month, but as you reflect, you'll see it. We assign a lot of "power" to days on the calendar - you mentioned Easter, Mother's Day, etc..... Try to remember to take each day as it comes. The day will come, and the day will proceed, and the day will pass... and you'll survive. There are some days, however, that you may want to prepare for: Father's Day will likely be tough..... but you are tough, too. Start planning and thinking now about how to not let the day overwhelm you, but rather how you can turn it in to a "fun" day of reflection and remembrance. Ask the kids how they'd like to observe the day. Hang in there!

Melissa - I totally understand the zombie feeling - I had a day like that today - even after almost 4 years, there are still days........ I am grateful for days like today that I am a school teacher and school's out for summer.... it' wouldn't have been a good day at school. For the record... I think I was a zombie the first 18 months - at some point, the fog will lift, I promise.

I suppose I am blessed to live near family - my parents and my brothers, and one of my hubs' siblings all live in the same town - so I am never "alone" but somehow..... I always feel "alone." I decided to really make the evening exciting - I declared that we were also celebrating my achieving my Master's degree (I'm still 5 units away, but still......) and I deserved a little recognition, too.... I mean, seriously.... recovering from my grief, working full time, raising 2 teenagers..... I deserve a whole bunch of recognition!!!!!!!! AND..... I invited "The New Guy" to the graduation dinner! I had told my hubb's family that I was dating, but it was a shocker for them to see me with someone that wasn't hubbs..... Turned out to be a nice evening!

So, I read some of Rob's thoughts about his kids' graduation on another thread - I was about to put down some thoughts about my son's graduation.... I thought maybe a few of us would like an invitation to share about this milestone in our kids' lives..... My hubby died almost 4 years ago, a month after he attended our son's 8th grade graduation. And this week, my son graduated high school. It was bittersweet.... obviously. I was in Target looking for a card for my son, and I found one that talked about "congrats for being edumacated" or some other silly made-up word.... only it was a made-up word that my hubs used ALL THE TIME. I stood in Target and cried hysterically for a few minutes before deciding it was a sign, and I had to buy it. All through my son's graduation dinner, we talked about his dad - how proud he'd be, how he had such high expectations..... so many memories surfaced that evening... I noticed that we're all starting to be able to remember and not cry...... the memories are becoming sweeter.. more tender.... less painful. Finally.

My hubby died in the middle of July, nearly 4 years ago. I had been planning for him to retire and me to go to work, so I had accepted a teaching job to begin in early August..... From his passing to my first day of work was 3 weeks. I was blessed with 5th grade students and families that were very patient and understanding, so those few times I did have bad days in the classroom, people were kind..... If I could've waited a few months, I probably would've been stronger, more prepared, more capable to do the job.... but I'm not the type to sit on my behind and feel sorry for myself..... I had to keep going.....

Thanks for your input everybody... I really do value all of the advice and experiences - thanks for sharing..... I have so much to learn about "adulting" and communicating... But... I'm willing to own it, and to work on it... I think part of learning about this is figuring out it takes courage to communicate....

I may or may not need some advice.... I'm not sure... I have always been extremely independent. Like......extremely. I am the one everyone goes to, I am the one everyone depends on - and really, I've been the doormat. After growing up in a family that didn't communicate well, I attended some counseling and had a lot of couples counseling with DH early in our marriage. One of the things that the therapist really felt strongly about was the idea that people don't make you feel things - you choose how you feel. And you can choose your response to a situation. I get that. It's the idea that "you made me feel...." is not necessarily fair, but instead, say "when you....., I feel...." and own your response.... But it has lead me to internalize a lot. I got to the point with DH that I just owned everything and never expressed anything. So..... the other night, I knew NG had had a very long day... said he was going to take a shower and then come over. He took a shower, and fell asleep. Called near midnight and apologized. So, rational me says... he was asleep, what's he to do? He can't call me and tell me he's asleep.... and I knew he was exhausted. But emotional/hormonal/irrational me was worried sick, and then pissed off, and then felt hurt and disregarded and unimportant and insecure. And then I started to wonder if he was really at home asleep, or if he had something else going on (which is totally out of bounds and I have no reason to not trust) but I started to distrust.... (A woman's brain is an incredible piece of work.....) So, he called at about midnight and apologized and explained..... and I told him I understood. I only shared the rational thoughts with him.... but kept the rest to myself. And now I'm still hurt and frustrated, but isn't that my problem? Not his? I mean, why make an issue of it for him if he simply fell asleep?...... Aren't my feelings my problem?

Thanks so much, Solo!!! That totally helped!

My DH passed almost 4 years ago..... My children and I have been very blessed to receive the survivor's benefits from Social Security - I literally couldn't have survived without them.... Well... My oldest turned 18 in January - and his benefits stopped. I was under the impression that his benefits would transfer to his sister, and they'd still get the total benefit amount until she turns 18 as well. Does anyone have experience with this? Do I have to contact Social Security to transfer the benefits? Or will it just happen automatically.... perhaps there's a delay? Advice?