RyanAmysMom

Oh, Maureen.... your shoulders must be tired from carrying all of that..... I'm grateful that you shared.... I hope that you are finding some closure, some completion, some connection in all of these changes.

Kudos to you for having the courage and integrity to do the right thing. I'm having a lot of the same experiences lately - but I don't currently have the mettle to make the change - I just can't "choose" to be lonely and have those feelings of loss again...... yet. Perhaps a new perspective would help? Maybe you've had a great learning experience, and you'll move on to something wonderful...... And that is a real possibility because you're not tied up in something that wasn't working. All the best to you.

I hear your frustration - and I understand your desire to find the perfect person - but at some point, you also need to BE the perfect person - You obviously have some very strongly held beliefs and it doesn't sound like you have much tolerance for those who disagree with you - I don't suggest compromising your beliefs or standards, but consider that you might be happy with someone who disagrees (respectfully) with some of your views. I know that this post alone doesn't give me much of a sense of who you really are, but it does reek of passive-aggressive attitudes. This position may be a lot of what is wrong with your search, as well...... Women are individuals, not a category - What you did "perfectly" for your wife may not be at all appropriate, desirable, or "perfect" with me..... Different people give and receive communication differently - Maybe you need to listen a little more carefully? I respect your values and your opinions - I truly do hope you find what you're looking for -

My son and I had a "moment" yesterday - My father's birthday is today - so I was shopping for a birthday card for "dad"... and I realized that my son won't get to do that ever again..... We looked at each other, thinking the same thing, and both welled up in the grocery store..... I HATE those moments......

You could be reading my mind! I feel exactly the same way - I know he's not Mr. Right, so why am I doing this? (probably because I know where my Mr. Right is.....) I'm hesitant and afraid and doubting..... and so insecure! I think you're really REALLY normal.... If I were too give advice, I'd say go slow.....

I've experienced some of the same feelings and wonderings... I can't answer your questions, per se... But as we've progressed 3 years since my husband's passing, I've found that he is most definitely still with us. We talk about him. We mention him. I see him in me... the things he taught me, the things we experienced together. I see him in my kids...the looks, the things they say..... the smallest moments .... And then there are the times I dream about him.... or think I smell him..... I know he's with me... I never noticed those things the first few months - I was too upset, too traumatized... But as time passed, I was more able to see and hear and feel those little pieces of him. I pray you have the same experiences.

Tybec - thanks for the confirmation and insight - I just read your other post - and I think you're on the right track - we need to develop our own lives and interests and hobbies and be satisfied with life with or without a significant other.... But what really resonates with me is that you get it: TIME IS PRECIOUS... and I can't stand to waste it. And people who haven't been where we are don't get it the way we do.... Hang in there....

Starting a new quilt for my bed. I picked the fabrics over a year ago - luckily I still like them!

So..... um........ NG's trip to Thailand has extended to nearly 4 weeks, and then a few days in Dubai, and then a few more in Seoul. Yes, it's legit work stuff. Yes, it sucks. It'll be closer to 6 weeks by the time he's back. Pretty taxing on a new relationship. Lots of pictures, lots of "miss you's" lots of sweet memes - but not much real communication.... So this morning after he told me he's extending the trip a week to go to Seoul, I told him I was mad. I told him I have spent the past few years missing people that I really care about... who have been absent for a variety of reasons... and I don't want to keep feeling lonely and longing.... Told him I totally understand that it's work - it's his first love - it's who he is - and I respect his ethic.... but I don't have to like it. I totally don't have any right to be mad..... (except that when we met, he never mentioned that he traveled for work, and didn't for the first couple of months.....) Maybe I'm hurt more than mad...... Maybe I'm just pathetic and need a life.....

Just jumped on to Match for a minute - Haven't been on much because I'm spending time with NG......... Was surprised to see I had 3 messages! So, of course I checked them out........ (Keep in mind, I"m in Northern CA, am 46 looking for someone near my age....) #1 78 year old man in Montana #2 23 year old man, local, lists religious belief as "satanist" (ummmm..... no.) #3 47 year old man...... local........ somewhat good looking........ screen name: justwanttof*cku .............and his email was extremely explicit about what he was looking for. Sigh.....

Welp, it's Saturday night again! NG is still out of the country on day 22 of his 2 week trip...... (grrrr....) So tonight it's me, the dogs, a pizza, and crappy TV.... I did have a kick-ass date with my teenage kids last night, so.... that helps a little!

About a year before my DH passed, I had a friend (who was a widow) tell me that when he passed, I would feel relief, and that I shouldn't feel guilty about that..... Well... She was completely right - I was relieved... and I felt hugely guilty. But it was nice to have that confirmation from someone else - that relief isn't something to be ashamed of... I don't wish my DH dead - I wished him healthy and happy...and he wasn't going to have that in this life. Blessings of peace to you.... You'll make it - one day, one step, one minute at a time.

Sc29 - Maureen always says things the best - I just wanted to commend you for reaching out, for finding the words.... I remember that third week - it was horrifying.... and the loneliest of any time .... You're about to ride the worst roller coaster you've ever experienced - just hang on and know that it will even out <eventually..... > (You might find some peace/relief/commonalities in the "F*$& You" thread..... in the 6-12 months board....................I always find that it makes me feel less alone in what I'm experiencing.)

Anybody doing anything noteworthy tonight? I spent the day with friends shopping and visiting - now snuggling a cute puppy. Started back to school this week (I teach 4th gr.) so I'm hoping tomorrow is a day of rest and planning.

Just wanted to share that I too felt responsible for my husband's passing - He died while we were on family vacation, and it was very sudden, dramatic, public, and traumatic.... I (still) deal with "shoulda's" and self doubt - but when I put my rational mind in control, I clearly understand he was very sick, and in fact, shouldn't have lived anywhere near as long as he did - and that each day was a gift. All I can say is that as you transition from the emotional shock of what happened, you will have more clarity about the situation. Be kind to yourself. Don't let guilt win. Hang in there!

How many of us are school teachers? (Just curious!) If you are - Best wishes on your new year! (I start tomorrow! 4th grade!) Jen

Thanks Trying! It's been a week...... and I'm doing ok..... I'm in CA... He's working in rural Thailand..... so communication has been limited - but I did get a great pic of him riding an elephant! You're right about staying busy and being me.... I teach 4th grade and school starts this week, so I'm busy getting things together.... (My widow bitterness is screaming that I've spent 3 years being "me" and I was just getting used to being "us" .... so the void is kinda amplified.....) BUT.... I'll live. And I'm grateful for HOPE.

t2b - I don't think there's a right answer, except to communicate what you feel and what you want. I recently had my 3 yr anniversary, and my NG wanted to come along to the cemetery and I was offended..... So...... It's not wrong to want a warm caring response - but it's also an unusual, weird situation for most people, and there probably isn't a "right" answer.... I wanted my "daddy day" alone with my kids so that I could feed their memories and mine, and talk freely about him, maybe ugly cry, ..... I felt that having NG around would hinder all of that..... and it's definitely confusing for my kids to have NG around and talk about daddy..... So for me, it was better to have that space for a day or two.... But if you WANT your NG around, tell him! After a year and a half, you should have some pretty good communication avenues - use them!

I've shared a few frustrating things about my NG ..... and we're working through stuff..... I've resisted becoming too attached as this is my first attempt at a new relationship - and I'm struggling with allowing myself to be vulnerable... But this morning, he left for a 2 week business trip overseas.... He gave me a hug, and drove away..... And I felt the most devastating loss.... the intensity of the feeling caught me totally off guard.... intellectually, I know it's not forever.... but emotionally, I feel broken all over again..... Ugh..... I hate it when my brain reminds me that it's broken.........

I am grateful for all of the opinions here... My darling NG and I have had many discussions over the past few days about the things that he just doesn't seem to "get." And some things, he truly doesn't understand, so we've talked.... some things, he just doesn't perceive the same way that I do (or doesn't think they should be "issues").... and we've talked..... I am left still feeling like he's lacking in the empathy department, but he's willing to listen, and so am I..... My biggest peeve with this situation was that I was in the midst of my anniversary days, the height of my grief, and having to stop and explain why those days were difficult just added so much more stress......

Wow, Mike.. thanks for making this a safe, supportive place to share....... FTR..... Only known this guy 2 months.... He's a grown-ass adult, and _should_ understand that there are family dynamics at work here. He's experienced loss as well..... I have been surprised at the amount of explaining I've had to do... I _assumed_ he'd be a little more insightful about relationships, grief, etc......

I read some of your comments recently about the DGI's.... and was amused..... and frustrated.... And then I had these conversations with NG over the past few days: Friday is our 3rd anniversary without hubby/daddy.... I asked NG to give us some space for a couple of days..... "Why?" "Because we're having a rough couple of days." "Why?" Seriously? "I can't go to dinner because the kids and I are going to a family therapy session." "Why?" Seriously? "My son is showing some passive aggressive anger about me dating." "Why" "How would you feel if you saw your mom with a new guy?" "Oh." "I'm going to the cemetery to visit for a few...." "Can I come along?" Seriously? At this point, it's a cross between hilarious, sad, and worrysome that he's a non-empathetic psychopath......

Our 3 year sadiversary is tomorrow.... Intellectually, I have learned that landmark dates are just dates. They can't hurt me. They are (frankly) random. I give them all their power. But they still keep kicking my ass. I keep letting them kick my ass. I am so proud of all that the kids and I have done in three years - And he would be proud of us..... But as this anniversary approaches, I am finding the weight of the grief bearing down again..... My house is starting to look like an episode of Hoarders...... My heart, too..... Avoiding all of my responsibilities for the past few days (weeks) has simply exhausted me.....

The response from "mirtilo" is dead on: Hmmm... not convinced by the advice. I am in the same position as the writer. I lost my husband almost 5 years ago when I was 32 and have been bringing up my almost 7 year old son alone. I think what you also loose when your partner dies is tonnes of confidence. You have to deal with the responsibility of raising a family entirely on your own. No back-up, to one to look after you when you are sick or to help you with the mine fields of parents nights etc etc, Unlike other single parents, you don't have every other weekend off to form a social life. The chances are you don't have enough money/energy to organise a babysitter to go out dancing (although good advice Mollybee, perhaps I should join a rugby team ;-). Then the longer you leave it, the harder it gets. Mariela, your advice is patronsing and rather sexist. I wonder if you would have written I would be "drowned in a tsunami of single men" enjoying a "sad story" had I written it. And does this man want to find someone who is looking for a sad story anyway? What is true, is that when this man (and myself) were last dating, it was certainly before internet, sms, mobile phones etc , it does seem like a different landscape. I do have lots of friends ( a mix of old, pre-children single friends , newer friends with children, some single parents). I also have a lot of male friends, but they are friends and no romantic interest on either side. I think perhaps as a widowed parent, you shut yourself off as a defence, so as not to be badly hurt again.

This was our first dance at our wedding, and it played at his funeral...... I knew at the wedding that I would use this at the funeral.... In This Life For all I've been blessed in this life There was an emptiness in me I was imprisoned by the power of gold With one honest touch you set me free Let the world stop turning Let the sun stop burning Let them tell me love's not worth going through If it all falls apart I will know deep in my heart The only dream that mattered had come true In this life, I was loved by you For every mountain I have climbed Every Raging river crossed You were the treasure I longed to find Without your love I would be lost Let the world stop turning Let the sun stop burning Let them tell me love's not worth going through If it all falls apart I will know deep in my heart The only dream that mattered had come true In this life, I was loved by you In this life, I was loved by you