RyanAmysMom

AND....... It happened. He said it first. I cried and cried..... and then I said it back. It felt so awkward and strange and new and scary and great and awful...... all at the same time.

NG and I were smooching on the couch the other night, and he swore that someone smacked him on the side of his head. It wasn't me.... It wasn't the kids.... He's convinced it was my hubbs......

So.... If you've entered into a new relationship, how long were you together before you said the "L" word? And who said it first? You or your new person? And did it feel at all like a betrayal of your spouse? I'm in a relationship that I feel could head this direction, and I'm excited and terrified at the same time...... I don't feel yet that I can say those three words.... Please share your thoughts... experiences...... Thanks Jen

Congrats!

Welcome, Jenn! Welcome to the awful club. I hope here you'll find some peace and support!

Anybody doing anything interesting? I'm on the last night of Spring Break - Been sick all week, working on my own homework for my Master's - now I'm getting back into preparing for students on Monday - Wishing I was doing something much MUCH more exciting.

Ok..... So...... I'm not sure where to start with this.... but I figured what better group of people to ask..... so..... here goes..... Are your deceased loved ones "hanging around"? Do you feel them? Smell them? Sense them? Hear them? Do they mess with stuff at your house? My hubby swore that his grandfather hung around and talked to him, watched over him....And then when hubby's dad passed, I would randomly smell his pipe, or hear his voice.... So in my experience, there is some interaction between spirits and us.... but to what extent? There is a reason for my question, but I wanted to just ask it first..... perhaps I'll explain more if y'all don't think I'm nuts... Anybody?

I SO understand.... and my kids are so sick of seeing my cry all the time! It's been 3.5 years, and I will still be driving home from work and just start crying... or sitting watching a GEICO commercial, and start crying..... My NG, who has been very supportive and encourages me to talk about hubby, recently asked me if I'd had grief counseling.... I told him YES... but this is just me....

I suppose at this point, I don't expect anyone to actually read this..... In some ways, I'm still putting thoughts in print..... because it just seems to help... Last night, New Guy and I went to dinner and we took my 18 year old son with us. We had a great time! My son is excruciatingly shy and inhibited... but he actually opened up a bit at dinner. After dinner..... deep breath........ the three of us went to my parents' house - I introduced the new guy to my parents. I know this sounds old fashioned and silly, but it was a huge step for me.... And he hit it out of the park! I'm so freaking happy..... He's obviously been listening when I've talked about my family - he brought up all the right topics - He said he felt like he could fit in.... I'm stunned.... and thrilled. Wow. just wow. (And the parents really really like him!) eek!

The most amazing things happen when you take a little risk! I ended things with G in January - and I had no regrets! Never shed a tear. That should've told me something, right? (And.... he sealed the deal - claiming that I'd never find what I was looking for........ Challenge accepted!) I jumped right into online dating again... nothing to lose.... decided to have some conversations with people..... And I started talking to a man in late January. We decided to meet on Superbowl Sunday. I didn't realize until I woke that morning that that date was also my wedding anniversary. I wrestled with it for a while, prayed, visited DH and finally decided to just go meet the guy. I am so impressed with this man - He's wonderful! We've seen each other nearly daily since the first of February - He's thoughtful, kind, funny, caring, compassionate.... He encourages me to talk about DH, wants to know about what made our relationship so special and successful... He wants the kind of relationship I want - My children have commented frequently about how happy I seem lately...... (My daughter is completely addicted to McD's fries - The first time he came to the house, he brought fries for her!) I am a school teacher and had Parent-Teacher conferences last week - and they were pretty tough.... and this wonderful man set up a date - dinner, a massage and a hot tub soak for me! I've never felt so spoiled and cared for! I have hope. (Is it possible that I met him on my wedding anniversary for a reason?)

That is stunning, and so powerful. Thanks for sharing!

My daughter went through severe hoarding right after hubby died..... It was so hard to watch.... she was only 10...... couldn't throw away or get rid of ANYTHING for almost a year..... lots of therapy.....

I am on this board because........... this journey is so lonely, so isolating.... And I feel a community here. I find hope here. I am here because David was worth remembering. I am here because I can't do this alone. I am here because I learn from others' experiences. And I am grateful for YOU!

My goodness.... writing this helped me clear my head so much! And reading your input helped as well. I did choose to walk away from G. As I wrote this, and as I read it.... I realized what was really wrong.... G was not in love with me. I may be a fool.... but I am a romantic... an idealist.... I am worthy of love. I deserve someone who is crazy about me. I deserve someone who wants to hear about the things that are important to me. I need to be with someone whose values match mine, who values family the way I do..... I need to be with someone who wants the partnership, intimacy, companionship of a committed relationship. And it was never going to be that with G. My relationship with G was ok at first because I wasn't capable of the intimacy and vulnerability of a "marriage relationship..." It was fun. It was ok. It was shallow. But I feel like I'm recovering from my grief journey - I feel like I"m finally coming alive.... and I am craving that kind of companionship. And as we all know..... life is short..... So off I go into the wild world of dating.... And....... I'm hugely optimistic.....

So.... I met G online last summer. We've had a lot of fun.. Things are fine. And then New Year's came... and I always do a goal-setting, year planning thing..... (NOT RESOLUTIONS!!!!) So I invited G to participate..... And I realized I have no idea where this relationship is headed... where I want us to go.. (or even what I am capable of doing) More importantly, I have no idea what he wants. I realized I haven't asked him. (And he hasn't made a point of bringing it up, either) I"m so afraid of being hurt, of being vulnerable, I've just been "going with the flow." (I suppose he's doing the same) ?? And now that I'm looking ahead..... ugh... I love this man. But I don't think I am IN LOVE with him and I don't think I want a "forever" relationship with him. But it's good right now. Really good. So do I grow up and end it and save us both a lot of pain later? Or do I enjoy it until it plays out? Why, as an intelligent, educated, responsible person, would I CHOOSE to pursue a relationship that's nothing more than indulgent? Why, as a moral woman, parent of teenagers, would I continue to date someone I don't plan to be with in the future? But then again..... Why can't I just enjoy this for this season? What's wrong with being happy? And WHY can't I talk to him about this? I"m realizing that I'm really a dating virgin. Right now I'm just happy because a cute boy is paying attention to me and thinks I'm cute. I have no idea how to communicate, no idea how to express my feelings.... DH was so intuitive.... so smart.. so patient... So planning the year... Is he preventing me from meeting any goals? Would my goals or plans be different without him? Am I missing out on things I want? Is he adding to my experiences? What can I do to bring hubby back? That would solve all of these issues......

Beautifully said. And I totally agree. We are the authors.....

Just saw this as a "typo" on a facebook post - But it's so ironically accurate. Thanks Grieving.... Yep. That's where I'm at this year. Anybody else? Having to face DH's family is so emotionally draining - Since hubby's passing 3 years ago, we also lost his mom, dad, aunt, and uncle.... the dinner table's pretty spacious at this point..... I sincerely pray we can all find some peace, some gratitude, some happiness this season.

Oh, such heartbreak.... again and again, it seems. So sorry that's how your day has started. Prayers for a better day ahead.....

That's just it - I didn't realize that I needed to! I thought that I was "in a relationship" and "functioning at work" (and probably in other relationships, too) and just finally realized I'm not satisfied with those things because of ME! So... admitting there's a problem is the first step, right? Yes, I do want to change - I want that intimacy, ease, comfort, trust that I used to enjoy in relationships..... One step at a time..... And Trying: No, he's not the type that will talk about it much - I'm sure I could tell him that I've realized this about myself, and he'll acknowledge it, (probably agree) and move on. Not that he's uncaring - He's just pretty black and white - either you're in or you're out - The one time we had a "disagreement" his response was very simple - are you committed or not? That's all that matters - if you're committed, it'll work out. If you're not, it'll continue to be a problem. He's just not one to emote or react emotionally.... And his lack of intense emotion about stuff has allowed me to function on that plane, too...... So...... yeah. Time to get uncomfortable, I guess.

Ugh... seriously frustrated and confused. I have been dating my guy for almost 6 months now - I keep wondering why things aren't different....better.....more.... I have a new boss at work since August.... I keep wondering why things just don't feel right..... And then today it hit me.... I can't. I can't trust. I can't open up. I can't get vulnerable. I just can't. Can't? or Won't? Am I so scarred from my loss that I can't develop relationships? Am I broken? Am I jaded? I want so desperately to connect to someone the way I used to connect with DH.... I am surrounded by people who want to be in my life, and I just can't....... And I feel so lonely. This sucks.

❤️❤️❤️

Best of luck to you!

Welcome, Julia. So sorry you've joined us here. And it's so hard to deal with trauma along with family drama.... You certainly have several reasons to still be in shock. Rest assured, it is normal, and probably not permanent, although it feels crazy and forever.

Had the most wonderful date with my two teenage kids tonight - And toward the end of the evening, I was reminded of how much their dad would laugh at certain things they'd do.... And it hurt so deeply, so sharp...... Will it ever not hurt to remember? When will I get those "sweet" memories? I want to remember and smile...... I'm so tired of crying.... 3 years 2 months 2 hours........

Virgo - that sounds AWESOME! My NG and I went to the Gallo Winery for a "Picnic"- The local Symphony backed a cover band for Queen - it was fun! (But I'd much rather see Ed Sheeran!)