Carey

I had to go to my brothers on the 6 month anniversary of Chad dying ... which was also the day I was going to the beach and scattering his ashes. They wouldn't budge on the date, even though when I set the date of Chad's ashes scattering they weren't even THINKING about getting married. I had to be the photographer and then drive 2 hours to catch up to everyone else to scatter chad's ashes. I was NOT a happy camper. Bitterness came in and camped out awhile I'm sorry you have to go through it. When it's close family I guess its pretty much unavailable.

On the way to work this morning, "our" song came on. I have religiously avoided that song for the last 20 months. I have a whole playlist of his songs that make me sad/cry, etc and I still periodically listen to it anyway knowing it's gonna hurt. But that one, I could not go there. It's Blue Clear Sky by George Strait. We met on the telephone, and it became our song when he sang it to me on the telephone, talking about I was the surprise he never expected, but that he had been looking for, and I came to him "out of the blue clear sky" (we met because I was calling a friend who happened to not be home, his roommate (Chad) answered the phone and that was all it took). I've left stores to avoid it. I've asked strangers to change the station. I've removed it from my computers and my phones. And then this morning. There it was. And I hesitated. I had my hand on the button and couldn't push it. I listened to it. All the way through and just cried and cried. WHY would I do that to myself? I was trying to hear his voice singing it to me in my head and I couldn't. I could still see a picture of him singing it, or of us dancing to it. But I couldn't conjure his voice. I miss that man so damned much. I went to a funeral Tuesday for my 37 year old friend. The viewing was in the same room that they had Chad in. I struggled but was proud of myself for getting through the funeral without drawing attention to myself. Then, that night I had dreams of being in that funeral home and walking up to her very PINK casket, expecting to see Crystal, only every time I got close, the body in the casket morphed into Chad. A decomposing unpreserved Chad. I'm a mess. And I knew I was a mess and I let that song play anyway. I just cant fathom why? Have any of ya'll done something like that? Any thoughts? Why would we want to make ourselves feel WORSE when it can be avoided?

I made it thru the work day and went home to bed. Tomorrow is the funeral in the same funeral home where Chad was. I havent been back there since I picked up his ashes. A friend's father died last week and I had intended to go to the visitation, which was also at that same funeral home and I ended up chickening out. I can't do that this time. I have to go. I've had flashbacks all weekend and several crying fits. It feels selfish cause no matter what I do it draws attention to me, and this is not my loss this time.

So. My friend's niece died a little while ago. (she's also the mother of my daughter's best friend). She was 37. It started as gallbladder trouble and now she's dead. Her children don't know yet. I know her daughter very well, but her, not so much. We were acquaintences. But Im sitting at my desk at work literally SHAKING. Having flashbacks to the day we were told Chad was gone. The reaction I had, the reactions of my kids, feels like it's happening again right now and I'm freaking out a little. I have to stay at work, but I don't know how

She for all intents and purposes is brain dead. However, the brain stem, which controls involuntary functions like breathing, blinking, etc. is intact. They removed all drugs and machines last Friday but her body still breathes on. It is tormenting her children and her husband. Other family members are angry because they think she was taken off support too soon and not "allowed time to fight" ... I just don't know. Don't know what I believe, but if He was going to perform a miracle he doesn't need that stuff. I just wish if that was the plan He'd do it now, or take her now. Cause this limbo is living hell on so many

I'm so happy to see you got a good report Whether you believe it or not, I think you DID stand tall through this and should be proud of yourself.

messy messy messy. lol It's good you found a laugh in this day though.

a heart with a limp. wow. That is EXACTLY what it is. Somedays you feel like you need two crutches to make it out the door, some days you want to just rest in a wheelchair and let someone else do the pushing. Some days, a cane is enough ... just a little help. But even with nothing, the limp will always be there, obvious if anyone watches you. That's profound.

it's another step away from "the norm" , what was comfortable and comforting to you and your family life. I can see why it was a trigger. I agree ... shitty shitty hand .....

It sounds beautiful. That has always been one of my favorite quotes, smile because it happened. Maybe that was in your heart when you ordered it and that helped you not to cry. For some reason, I felt a sense of relief when Chad's stone was placed. It meant a lot to me to have that stone with his name, a permanent (per se) monument to his life and it honors him so it comforted me. Hugs to you today ... even if you didn't cry, I'm sure it wasn't easy.

Let me preface this with the fact that I was raised in church and pretty much have attended church in one form or another my entire life, until chad died. My husband was an alcoholic yes, and he had some bad faults, some "demons" as it were that he wrestled. But he ALSO attended bible college, was a faithful church attender and even when he was in Saudi and I would lose hope or get discouraged, he was always the first to suggest prayer, to encourage and to say that God had it all planned. He would stand in the altar at church with his hand raised praying. When he'd fall and screw up with the alcohol, he wouldn't run, he'd go right back to church and doggedly ask for help, pray, call out to God. He WANTED to be a different person, he WANTED to be a good husband and father. He certainly didn't enjoy drinking and wanted the monkey of his back and he prayed and begged God all the time. Others who came across his path over the years would talk of how God had "delivered" them from alcohol and even drugs. Instantaneously all you had to do was come to God and believe. He even went to Saudi to get away from it, only to be bombarded with bootleg versions and he lost his life because of it. Meanwhile, in 2012, my brother who was 52 at the time, had severe heart attack. I was the only family member in town when it happened and was called to the hospital and asked to make a DNR decision. He was BLACK from the waist up. There was no perfusion, he looked terrible. I was scared and didn't want his death on my hands, so I said to do everything. They put him on life support and air lifted him to Wake Med. Finally my other brother (his twin) was able to get there and said that Mark had told him before that he didn't want to be hooked up to machines and they had had several conversations about it. So his status was changed to DNR. A few days later, while sedated AND restrained, they were trying to wean the sedation and he actually wriggled down in the bed far enough he could reach the tube with his hand and pulled the ventilator out. Then because the DNR order was in place, not only would they not replace the vent, but the heart pump that he was on also had to be removed at that point due to the DNR status. We were told he'd die within hours. We held a vigil and stayed in his room and prayed and said our goodbyes. Then the machines started responding, his heart took over on its own, and long story short, the next day he was sitting up eating and was home within the week. Everyone talked about God and what a miracle it was and "only by the Grace of God" was he healed. Now, this is my brother , who I love, but I'm going to say, he has never held a job long, spent time in jail, never attended church and mocked those who did, cheated on his wife, divorced her and married someone half his age (not that that's a sin or anything, but what he did to his wife was not cool), he had just really done a lot of people wrong a lot of the time. My own mother only reluctantly came to the hospital when we were told he was dying. He had no children depending on him, no wife (at the time) who desperately needed him and God saved him? (I really mean no disrespect, and remember I love my brother all things considered and I'm glad he survived) It's just I can NOT wrap my mind around why this deathbed "miracle" gets credited to God ... who takes the blame when another younger man who has sacrificed everything and taken a job on the other side of the world to save his family from financial ruin, who is alone and sad and depressed on his birthday and turns to a bottle of unsafe unregulated alcohol falls asleep at the dinner table, 6 feet away from the CPAP machine that would have saved his life that night? A father ripped from his children who already had had to live a year without him. A wife who was desperate to have her husband back. And left with the financial ruin he went over there to try to stop from happening. This comes to my mind because yesterday I was trying to encourage my friend about her niece who is in a coma and had a heart attack. I was telling her the story of my brother and how bleak it looked and how , here's that word again, miraculously at the 9th hour he was saved and is fine to this day. Whenever I try to ask anyone here from church, I'm told that no one knows God's way, God is good all the time and we don't need to try to understand here we just need to trust and believe. But when you trust and believe and lose every damn thing anyway, how are you supposed to ever have even that precious mustard seed of faith ever again? I DO very much believe in God. I just wonder what I did that keeps him from hearing or seeing me. What there may be between us that blocks the communication. Because everything that has been preached to me my entire life just left me and I can't bring myself to go back. And life without faith is very sad indeed. It occurred to me I'm sure I'm not the only one here who has had similar thoughts and I wanted to see what conclusions ya'll came to. I'm sorry to have rambled, my mind is just a mess today, sometimes it helps to write it out.

Thank you everyone. I still haven't heard any good updates on crystal. Yesterday, they were saying 50/50 on whether she would survive. And they have to do even more testing for possible brain damage. Monday just really really stunk all the way around. I appreciate the prayers for her and if you will continue I would really appreciate it. I can't help but wonder what kind of roulette game God is playing. I guess that is something we will never know, why some go, some stay ...

I keep hearing the lyrics to that Annie song in my head. Lets see, my cat died. inexplicably. She was fine Sunday night. My kids called me at work and said she wasn't acting "right" but they couldn't say what was wrong. I told them to keep her in the house, keep her cool and make sure she drank till I could get home from work. 2 hours later she was dead. Then, I get to John and Tammy's and cook dinner, my kids and I get in a fuss there over driving my truck and not putting gas in it, etc. and my daughter and I were fussing in the driveway. Next thing I know, their 3 month old PUPPY gets hit by a pickup pulling a hog trailer. My best friend is 6'2", 300 lbs and that puppy was his BABY. He and I got in my truck to try to take the puppy to the vet to see if they could save him. We got halfway there and Jack Jack died in his arms and that big ol man cried like a baby ... and I wailed and cried for HOURS. I can't understand why that hurt me so bad, when my own dog died last year I wasn't that way. I wonder if it's because it was John's baby and John is my "person", or if it was just grief coming out or what. THEN. We get back to their house, his daughter spills a bowl of cereal in her moms new laptop (like a week old?) and then Tammy comes in the room and says that her niece (my age) had been found seizing and then stopped breathing. Her husband performed CPR till help could arrive, she was airlifted to Greenville (better hospital, where all of our serious cases are taken). This lady's daughter is one of MY daughter's best friends. We still don't know if she is going to make it or not. She is still on life support and unresponsive. Then this morning my brakes on my truck started grinding. I have had it a year this month AND it had a brake job not long after I got it. I'm just a wirly swirly ball of emotion this morning. I got here to work and just sat down and cried at my desk. I feel completely strung out. Was supposed to be taking the kids to Busch Gardens for a special trip this weekend and now with my truck messed up ... who knows. I don't pray much anymore. I still believe. I just don't believe He hears ME. So I really just came here to ask anyone that would to pray for the children who lost their pets yesterday, and that young mother holding on by a thread. My nerves and car troubles are a drop in the bucket. Crystal's husband is a WRECK ... he'd be lost without her

that was like a major aha moment. It's not so much we are so strong, but if they THINK we are, then they are , as Trying said, off the hook. People have to KNOW we wont pop up and beg to go or beg to be involved. My sister used to be my best friend. Now we are stuck in a catch 22. She doesn't call me because I don't call her. I don't call her because I feel she is too busy for me.Yesterday I saw on facebook that my sister, mom and aunts were on their way to SC to see my other Aunt and uncle at the beach. Something we ALWAYS did together. I was so hurt and I almost snarkily said "Have fun with that". But didn't. I just don't understand, and obviously it's not just me... its widow-wide

oh man when I was in high school I had Tretorns and LOVED them. Now that you've mentioned it I will have to go look for some online. My little happy for the day is TGIF ... and since I was here till after 9 last night, I get to leave work at noon today. I think I'm gonna find a good spot and just read. Im exhausted and 4 hours to myself sounds like heaven. OH and I earned $150 last night "catering" our work event, so that will be a nice little bonus

I wondered where he had been and how he was doing. Sounds like he's in a pretty good spot Glad you guys had a good time.

Sounds like such a peaceful and deep conversation. many of those are best had with a fishing pole in hand. I never thought fishing was about catching fish. There's just something about it .... It's sad that we feel so happy to find someone that we fit with because that means they've experienced painful loss too, we don't wish it on anyone.But every now and then you NEED that. I'm a sea turtle volunteer, so many nights are spent on the beach waiting for babies to hatch, many early mornings looking for turtle tracks, so "fishing" in it's own right I guess. I don't live down there so I don't get to do it as much as I would like, so one late night sitting waiting for babies to come I ended up talking to another young widow, who's LH's birthday was actually the same day as Chad's! We still chat via facebook every now and then and I always look for her on the beach. I'm so glad you had that connection that day.

Candace I just wanted to check in and see how you are. Been thinking about you a lot and hope that you've gotten some peace and comfort in this painful situation. Hugs....

Most of the times I have dreamed about Chad, it was always that I had been misinformed about his death and he had been alive in Saudi and finally managed to make it back home. Those dreams also had fear in them ... I remember freaking out about the death benefit from the Saudi company, and all the social security that I thought we were going to have to pay back. This was different. I dreamed last night that he came BACK from the dead. Like he'd been given a second chance. He knew he had died, he KNEW what he had put me and the kids through, he knew he died because of alcohol. There was 100% clarity. Even so, the very first day of him being "back" ... he was drunk as I'd ever seen him. I remember being repulsed and wishing he would just die again. I don't want to EVER feel that way about him. I have memory issues due to this brain thingie ... each round of this drug seems to kill more, so really it may be a blessing I don't remember SPECIFIC things he had said over the years. He was not physically abusive, but verbally? Oh yes. I do know there were many nights I went to bed with my back to him trying to tune out his ranting raving name calling tirades, all directed at ME. Since he died, I haven't remembered much of that, nor have I focused on it, because what is the point? He's gone. And inside the raving alcoholic there was a man I love very much. Why torment myself with the negative when the good is all I have left of him to hold on to? But in that dream last night, he specifically said those hateful things again. KNOWING every single detail clearly of what happened to him, he said those things again anyway. I'm completely shaken and cant think about anything else. I am at work, I have a seminar at work tonight that I am in charge of. I have to do the food, the decorating, the clean up. My head is POUNDING, I'm nauseated and stressed and my mind will NOT quit playing those words. "cunt", "lying bitch" , "spread your legs for anyone" (never happened), "nasty assed fatty" .... it's like it never went away. Right now I'd be so grateful for some of that tumor amnesia. Wish I could still pray

Last time it was 2 months. But he said that he didn't think we did it long enough because it came back so soon or something like that ... It's foggy. So anyway, august 24th they repeat an MRI and if it has shrunk to his satisfaction the meds will stop then, if not he said he'd probably do another 2 ;( I have to do evening seminar here at work tonight complete with food that is my responsibility and I'm already exhausted at 8:40 a.m. and I'll be here at least another 12 hours. I don't know how to manage it.

My family will barely speak to me because they think I'm having an affair with a married man! Like someone else said, typically throughout my life, my friends have been guys for the most part. That's just me, I get along better with them, no drama...etc. My best friend now I've known for 25 years. I spend a LOT of time with him. Oh, and I also spend a LOT of time with his wife, and their daughters. His wife has many health issues so I help out with a lot of things like errands, etc and he usually rides with me. She doesn't get out much so yeah I guess we do get seen a lot but seriously people need to lower their eyebrows and manage their own mess. Where was my family last weekend when I was violently ill in a parking lot and he held my hair and rubbed my back? Where are they when I 'm a sobbing mess at 3 a.m. and just need someone to listen? So let them judge, I don't mind playing Harper Valley PTA lol. All that to say, no , no one is entitled to an explanation on your dating life. Crawl out from under that microscope and just do you. Or as some others have said, say something wildly outlandish like you're trying to make a love child or something. That'll shut em up.

I am so glad you were able to have a bearable first sadiversary. I do agree, a lot of it has to do with your mindset. I expected it to be hellish and I was not disappointed, but that was because it was also right at Thanksgiving and my family managed to make it WORSE. It was what I let happen. Next year will be different if I make it that far.

Everything sounds so amazing. I think I've been to a whopping 5 or 6 states. Probably never will go any farther so I'm enjoying your stories.

3 weeks of these pills and I'm miserable. I don't know how I was able to handle it better the first time I went through it. Chad was in Saudi, so not here to be supportive anyway, so I don't think it's that (he didn't even know it was going on) so this is the one thing I can't blame on widowhood. Either that or it's like 2nd year widowhood and you know just how bad it can get and you've been there done that ... IDK. Also, it wasn't 90 degree+ summer when I went through this before. My stomach is rebelling ... upset stomach and vomiting every SINGLE day, mind numbing headaches and I'm so lethargic that I literally feel underwater all the time and the smallest things take colossal effort and I just feel so pitiful. I don't know why it was easier to be strong last time. This time I just wanna give up. I really really don't see the point. I was supposed to be going on a trip to Busch Gardens with my friends next weekend and I am going to have to tell them today there's just no way I can make it. A long car ride and long lines in the sun at an amusement park sound more like medieval torture than fun. The beach doesn't even have the lure it usually does. 4th of July weekend there showed me just how much I CANT just push and do what I want/need to do. This just all around sucketh ... please forgive the whining. I don't have anyone to talk to about this stuff.

Im halfway into year two. I do the bare minimum at work. Don't even bother with makeup most days. My kids run my house. I used to decorate for the seasons and stuff, made wreaths, etc. Don't care now. Hate that house, hate I have to live in it. They are 16 1/2 and 18 ... they do their thing, I end up at my best friends house on the couch pretty much every night. If I didn't I'd be face down in bed. Or dead. My give a damn is busted. SO no......no advice obviously just a commiseration that it must be something about year 2.