Carey

I miss my Chad so much. I never hear his name anymore. Im never around anyone who knew him and loved him except my kids and to him he's always daddy. He was MY Chaderoo. Dear God this still hurts too damn much.

I have loved Greys since its inception and never missed an episode. Until. I have not seen one after Derek died. That seems so silly it's just TV but it rocked me to my very core

I don't have internet at home right now, and living out there with the cows my phone signal isn't good enough, so most of my board posting is done at work. Tsk Tsk on me. But I'm here. Whats left of me. I think the chemo is just wearing me down so much physically I don't have it in me emotionally or mentally to face everything. I'm exhausted. Have to work anyway. Hair has fallen out more this time than before. Had to get it cut over the weekend and I hate it but I should shut up and be glad it's still there and pray it stays. I'm sorry I'm such a mess. I feel like I catch myself saying that all the time.

I'm obviously not ok. Which is weird because I don't remember being this bad LAST year. Next month is hell month. It's the anniversary of his death. It's his birthday. It's our sons birthday. It's thanksgiving. It's our wedding anniversary. Matter of fact, all of that falls in the same WEEK. Oct 2013 he was in Saudi, and this guy there drank himself to death. They were going to let Chad accompany the body back to the states so I was supposed to get a visit with him. It fell through and he wasn't able to come and obviously we all know I never saw him again in person. This past Saturday was my friends' anniversary. Their 18th. I ended up babysitting their girls while they went back in their bedroom for an anniversary "date" because money was tight. I babysat for them last year too, but they went to Virginia and I had the girls here and I was fine. This was just SO in my face. That my anniversary number will never go up. I got one week shy of 18 years. The year he died, I tried to commit suicide on our anniversary and then last year tried again on Halloween. Maybe my health issues are compounding things but I'm back to the crying every day. And I just don't feel supported. John tries but hell he was just diagnosed with diabetes last week and damn near died himself. I can't pile a bunch of emotional crap on him. Tammy , for all the fact that she can't get over losing her parents she doesn't understand ME. I think she's scared she'll get some on her, especially with the close brush with her own husband last week so I can't really talk to her. Add to that trying to feed 11 people on MY very limited money (how did I end up in that position in the first damn place??? why are their problems mine??) .... it's taking a toll. im back listening to the sad playlist and I'm back being mad when others are happy and why do they get to keep their spouse and I didn't. feeling incredibly selfish but don't know how to stop it, and then I just think ... why bother with any of it? I just want to be able to go to sleep and be with him.

my heart aches for you honey. I am so very sorry. Keep posting, keep talking. We are here for you.

i went back and read that and I sound so pathetic I just can't even anymore. Don't want to be here.

Ive had a HELL of a week. and I can't for the life of me figure out why. I really thought I was doing better. I've had probably a total of 8 hours sleep since Monday night. Nightmares are back. Thinking about him obsessively. Prone to crying a lot. Shaking..etc. Ok so yes maybe I can sort of figure out why. You know I posted the other day about John nearly dying. His blood sugar is still over 300 but he is home and resting. I really thought once he was out of the hospital the freaking out I was doing would subside some. Hes OKAY. I have to keep telling myself that. I had another MRI of my brain this morning, this time with contrast and I hate IVs and it took them what seemed like FOREVER to do the test and now I'm scared of the results. I'm supposed to be able to stop the chemo pills Christmas eve. Unless this test today shows no/too little improvement. I told John the other day I wasn't taking them anymore and I didn't want to be here. I haven't felt that way in a long time. I played hooky from work yesterday to take care of him so his wife could go to work. I personally wasn't satisfied with his fluid intake and I was pushing water at him so then he said I'll drink if you'll take your pills. Dirty pool I'll tell ya., So the night was spent puking and sweating and crying. Im just so over it and done and tired. And then I dreamed I was back in the funeral home and I walked up to the gurney to see Chad, only it was John. Then turned around and Chad's body was on the other side of the room. They were both in there dead as dead can be and I just kept turning from one to the other trying to make them wake up. I got my feelings all hurt last night with John's wife, I bounce back and forth between their house and mine and some days I just feel like I don't belong either place. I honestly considered sleeping in my truck. I failed my first drug test I've ever even had to take .... my office is being bought out by a large hospital and we had our occupational health screenings Tuesday. Monday night because John scared me so bad by almost dying, I took 2 of his wife's Xanax. I've been prescribed it before,even have a bottle at my house still and mine were 1 mg. Hers were only .25 mg. And I only took 2. So for a half a milligram of Xanax I could be in trouble at work. I was nasty to a coworker this morning. There are black circles under my eyes. My head is pounding and the tears are just right there waiting to fall at the next thing. I need rest. When I close my eyes I see dead bodies. That MRI this morning freaked me completely out .. I'm not a thin girl so had to be strapped to the table to keep arms legs and stuff in the right place and not move and have my head and neck in a cage. Didn't do well and had to come back to work. I want my husband. I want MY LIFE BACK DAMNIT. Ive done nothing but whine and cry all week ya'll and I'm sorry. I have no where else to turn. I went to the store Wednesday night after John was discharged to get him some bottled water and for God's sake I needed some feminine things. I was supposed to have $12. I get to the register, stuff is already rung up...... there's $2 there. Turns out my son took it. When I'm at my house I can't even relax for feeling lied to or stolen from or underappreciated and when I'm at their house I get all pissy because she's lazy and won't do anything but whine about her losses (see my other rambly thread.. sorry ..ugh) she walked in last night and didn't so much as say hi after I dragged my sick ass self up and made dinner for her husband and her girls. I feel like Cinderella there. I have nowhere. I'm a square peg in a round hole. And I really don't need to be around anyone today ... I can't believe how nasty I have been to people today. I want to go to Fayetteville and just lay on Chad's grave and sleep

Found out today that he really actually did come VERY close to diabetic coma if not death yesterday. I try to reassure myself that I was the one who caught it and got him there ... but hell I'm still a mess. He's some better. Cardiac is ok. They have the blood sugar down to 360 but his kidneys are not functioning well so he has to stay and it's another night for me being Nanny McPHee I guess and I'm not up for it. I went to see him at lunch and since yesterday was chemo day I ended up having to stay in the restroom most of the time throwing up :-(

I'm completely strung out this morning. I have had to go to FIVE schools on opposite ends of the county to drop off children at school. Because my best friend I talk about so much on here? He's in the hospital. I took him to the ER yesterday, long story short he was diagnosed with diabetes ... his blood sugar was over 900 and they had cardiac concerns as well so he was admitted and is having a stress test this morning. His wife stayed there so I had to go home and get all 6 of our kids straight. And then to school this morning. I didn't "get" to watch Chad die. But Chad had health issues and John is in the same room that Chad was in when he was rushed to the hospital with cardiac issues in 2006. He's going to be okay that, but evidently something was triggered because I'm a freaking MESS. I kept texting him, "Please don't die. Please be ok". My head knows he will be okay. My heart, stomach and emotions are a complete and total wreck and somehow I gotta get through work today and I've not slept. I guess I do still believe in God somewhere because I prayed yesterday. But I don't feel worthy to ask for prayers for myself, just a little encouragement would be great ...

My 2 year is Nov 23 and I've planned a trip because last year was just too miserable for words. I tried to stay home and fight through it because it was thanksgiving and "family time" ... what a joke. So this year I'm getting out of dodge and going to an Alabama football game in Tuscaloosa ... a bucket list of mine. Everyone seems to have different opinions on this one. Some try to get through the day with no fanfare and not drawing attention, others do things to honor their loved one they lost, others try to focus on the kids, or be an ostrich like me and stick your head in the sand lol. I don't think there's any polar right or wrong. I was worried about spending a lot of money and then being too emotional to enjoy it, but the person I am going with I feel comfortable enough with I don't think that will happen. I agree with Rob, it's all in who you are with at the time.

ding ding ding. We have a winner. There IS definitely a deep root of jealousy developing here.

Yes I will definitely be there again tonight, doing what I do. I'm probably just as much of a crutch for them as they are for me and for this time frame, it works for us. Maybe im just finding out I'm tougher than I thought I was. Chad was a raging alcoholic. Same thing there, I KNEW in my head that he didn't like it or enjoy it. But many many many times I'd just go off the rails because he "wouldn't" (couldn't) stop drinking for the kids and I. And I enabled. And to an extent I guess I am enabling Tammy now too. But I put up with 17 years of emotional abuse, throwing up in the bathtub, peeing in the kitchen sink, stumbling around falling all over the place, spending all the money , etc. to then end up facing widowhood and a flipped upside down life. Its just, John is the reason I am doing as well as I am. He is the reason I guess I appear strong and don't have spells like this. And if she would just let him, he would gladly be that for her. I had told him this morning that I would stay at my house this weekend and I told her that too. She came back with ,no, don't because "it will be harder on me if you aren't here. They will make it worse". THEY being her kids and husband. And she said the same thing to him and he texted me saying he was in tears because of her feeling that way. I can't stand to think of tears in his eyes. The ONE time I tried something like this, was last Halloween weekend. I drove for hours and hours at all hours of the night and came home and locked myself in my room and no one noticed for 2 1/2 days. SO I guess because it didn't work, I pulled up my big girl panties and went on with life. I've just usually been a compassionate person and being a widow I think is making me feel even worse about the thoughts I have about her because I SHOULD understand where she is at more than most people and should be more supportive. Ya'll are right. Everyone's makeup is different , they have a different mettle as it were and I need to remind myself that mental illness is an illness just like I screamed for years that alcoholism is a true illness when people would berate Chad, and berate me for staying. Ya'll are such great people ... I love all the viewpoints and perspectives that are available here.

Well, how's THAT for a opener? I've got my office to myself today, my office mate is on vacation and I'm alone with my thoughts and had a rough morning so you wonderful people are the lucky recipients of my rant and hopefully can talk me back to being a rational sweet person. K? Background, I've mentioned here several times my best friend is a man. A married man. I'm fine with that. We are very touchy feely best friends, hugwise but that's it. His wife loves me to death and we are all one big happy family most of the time. I went to high school with him and we met up again years later on facebook and since Chad died he has been my ROCK. His girls call me Mammy. Over the past year or so my washer and my refrigerator have tanked so I've ended up doing laundry at their house a lot, and then keeping food in their fridge and then we started co-opping meals and combining groceries to feed both families which kind of worked well for us all and saved us money. His wife T has many many illnesses. She's had knee surgery not long ago. She has PTSD from her parents dying, particularly her mom. She has anxiety, depression, the works. She is also an RN and I think she has whatever syndrome it is where you constantly are in the doctors office and constantly sick and needing to rest. She comes home from work and goes straight to bed. I spend a LOT of time there because at 16 and 18 my kids are rarely home and I hate my house and they always have extra people over and it feels like a frat house a lot of the time. Add that to the chemo meds I have to take I just stay at their house some nights because I need help and J is always there for me, doesn't like me driving when I've had to med up and I sleep at their house. I worry sometimes I'm there too much but they pitch a fit any time I leave. We do joint vacations and stuff too. There's more but I don't want to lose everyone's attention here lol. The thing is, for the past couple of days she's been more depressed than usual. Holing up and crying. Last night she texted first to say she didn't know WHEN she would be home and then before she got home and told us that she didn't want anyone coming out to the car when she got home (her girls usually rush out and meet her in the carport with the days goings on and events) and she didn't want to talk to anyone and she was going straight to bed. Which she literally did. Walked in and locked her door. Top that off with the fact that she's essentially kicked her husband out of bed and made him sleep in their daughters' room because the girls' TV broke and they cant sleep without it so two of their girls sleep in the bed with their mother. SO they were out a place to sleep and he was stuck with them thinking their mom was upset with them. ALL of this is because her mom died and she lost her "family dynamic that was all she ever knew" and here is where the bitch part comes in cause man I feel like a terrible person. But you know what? She has one of the very best men on planet earth as her husband (and mostly ignores him), a PAID FOR beautiful home with lots of land that no one can ever take from her, and three girls who really are very sweet and MUCH nicer than the average teenager, trust me I know from whence I speak. And she's gonna take the PTSD route and turn her back on all of that? I hear myself and I get upset with myself for feeling that way, but hell, I lost my husband. And THEN my entire family got weird and that whole "dynamic" as she calls it has been gone for 2 years AND I lost my 3 bedroom real house and am stuck in something that once had wheels under it out in a field across the street from a cow pasture! And I do NOT act like that. Maybe I did some in the beginning. But her mom and dad? I mean yes I know it hurts, I Lost my daddy too and I do grieve him but not to the point it debilitates me. And they are not recent losses either. 8 years ago. I say all the time that grief is grief and it hurts to lose someone you love and I try not to do the whole "my loss is bigger than your loss" game cause that's cruel. But I just want to smack her. HARD. Why? Why in the world am I so angry at her? Is it because I can't afford the "luxury" of a total mental/emotional breakdown and I'm jealous that she can do this and everyone comes running to her beck and call or what? I don't like how this is making me feel. I really thought I was a more compassionate person, especially to this family. SO I'm mad. And I'm upset that I'm mad at her so then I'm mad at myself and it's making for any unproductive day to say the least. Anyone have any thoughts?

Im so sorry that tragedy led you here. I lost my husband almost 2 years ago. Next month is the anniversary. I'm nowhere near "over him". There will be good days, bad days and ugly ones. I agree, widowhood is traumatic. Try to remember to take care of yourself physically, so you can be there for your little girl. It's hard to want to eat or drink or even shower at the point you are at. And people will say all kinds of things, mostly well meaning, they have no idea how bad what they are saying really is. This is a walk only you can do, in your own time, in your own way. The one thing I have gained from widowhood is my give a damn being broken, so I do say what I really feel more often, and don't care so much anymore about what others "think". I just wish I had grasped that a little sooner. No one can come on here and say oh you will feel better at such and such time, etc. But we are all at various steps of the journey and can share and virtually hold your hand and if nothing else, you know you're not alone. This is a wonderful group of people who rallies around their own like nothing I've ever known before. The people here have been there for me so much more than my very own family, so I am very glad that you found your way here, even though it sucks so hard that you needed to

I'm just so tickled to hear this

I don't have advice. The closest I have come is pedicures which I CRAVE but rarely can afford. So yes, money is the only real reason why I haven't tried. I carry a LOT of tension in my neck just at the base of my skill and I don't think my job (office work) helps any. I have a really good friend that I just generally lay all over lol. He's a guy but he's married so there is no "pressure" or anything that can be read into it other than he is my bestie and cares a lot about me so I lay on his chest or just walk up and ask for hugs all the time. I know that not everyone has that. And really it's funny ... if someone I barely know wants to hug me because I lost Chad, I HATE that. So with it being a "paid professional" per se, I think that takes the pressure off and would allow me to just enjoy it.

"Thank you for listening, thank you for caring? Thank you for not bashing me for crying over something so not worth crying over." Your heart and your time and your feelings were invested in what you thought was your second chance at happiness, after already being totally devastated by loss. This is a loss too. The loss is not HIM, but the loss of "what could have been", or what you thought it would be, what you wanted it to be. There doesn't have to be a death to grieve loss. Hopes and dreams hurt when they are shattered. So , worth crying over. And therefore, we cry with you. We rejoice with you because we are so proud of you . I look up to you. Much as I love Chad, I know I was a terrible enabler and put up with SO MUCH abuse (mental and emotional) yet I never left. I should have left years and years ago. I lacked that courage. So you need to take stock of yourself , your new self, and be proud for all you have accomplished!

Oh I did plan something for myself. I rented a condo at the beach with an ocean view for the first time in my life because it was the off season and the rates were SO cheap. Spent 2 nights with my best friend so that was something. I thought it'd be a distraction from being here and no one remembering or doing anything, and it was, until I got home lol

I went back and read this this morning and I feel like such a whiner. Wish I had never said it because I come off serious and materialistic. When really, I just felt ... insignificant. Like no one could be bothered or even remembered. And the one person who I totally felt like would, obviously is no longer here. But boy did it sound juvenile

I am so very sorry. My husband passed suddenly also and I agree with Jess. If you have a friend or family member you trust who is willing to help I would let them. I'm sure you're still in shock right now. I am truly sorry you have reason to be here, but am glad you found us. There is much support and comraderie here. Keep posting.

I lost my best friend the same week as my husband too. I just sat here and asked myself if she walked up to me today could I be her friend. I have been so hard hearted to here for 2 years almost, I don't know if I could. She didn't have the "excuse" of widowhood and addiction she was just plain selfish. But I can't see myself sitting down to lunch with her. The fact that you were able to do even that much tells me that you still have feelings for the her, and the relationship that once was. And I think you see now after some time of widowhood yourself what it felt like. When addicted people face tragedy the addiction becomes their crutch. She probably didn't want that for herself even then. She probably didn't want to be that way but it was all she knew. And now she is trying to change and grow so I'd give her a chance. I'd be guarded and careful but I would certainly try. You never know, it may come back stronger and better now that you are both widows.

I share a birthday with your Michelle. I'm sure she was with you Saturday. What a beautiful letter and I'm sure she knows every word.

I love posts like these. They give me such hope. I'm so glad it went well!

Can I just say birthdays SUCK? I don't understand why I'm feeling this way ... I keep telling myself I'm not surprised and didn't expect anything. But when I say I got nothing I mean I got NOTHING. Not one SINGLE birthday card or gift. Not even the obligatory one here at the office that everyone signs. Co workers here always have their desk decorated and gifts and cake at lunch by their individual departments ... I am one of three in my department, and the other two are providers, so of course they don't think like that. SO , NADA. Yes, I got to go to the beach for the weekend with my best friend but no "birthday" trimmings. I can't tell you the last time I had a birthday cake I didn't buy or make myself. The thing I think that is causing the pity party this morning is because no matter what he screwed up or did wrong, Chad ALWAYS made sure I had flowers at work. Big showy arrangements of roses and daisies. Pink with pink ribbon cause he knew it was my favorite. And the absence of those roses is HUGE to me today. Kids didn't do anything but sing happy birthday in a voice mail over the phone. My brothers and sisters texted age related snarky "humorous" happy birthdays. My mother didn't so much as call. I just feel so insignificant. He was the ONE who always made sure it was right. He knew how I felt at work on my birthday and he never let this happen. 49 days from now will be 2 years. How in the world can he have been gone for two years? I think all this water is getting to me. We've had more than 10 inches of rain, I've had to drive in it and walk around wet for over a week now and my nerves are probably just fried but I'm feeling really down ... more so than I have in a really long time.

What I don't get is why is it perceived as a threat ... or competition. It's truly NOWHERE near like having pics of an ex around. With an ex, that person could theoretically pop up at any time, always "out there". So , I can see a threat there. I don't have my house wallpapered in pics of Chad. But there are quite a few on the fridge and several in frames and my personal view is, if someone wants to change that they want to change me and maybe that is not the person I need right now. Chad will always be part of what makes me ME, and I don't plan on hiding any of that when someone new comes around.