Carey

Fuck the fact that I have no Christmas tree up yet (the girl who used to have no less than 4 by Dec 1). Fuck that the kids don't even seem to care.

Im still struggling I can't stress enough how much Christmas decorating was a part of me. No one around me can understand what's wrong with me this year. I just finished decorating the office I work at and everyone says everything is beautiful. I decorated my friends' house with MY tree and stuff cause they didn't have anything. Still nothing at my own house. It just hurts. I hate the joy is gone from this

It started when mine were about 11 and hasn't let up since. Daughter is 18 and Jekyll/Hyde. Sometimes SO sweet and helpful and other times, the queen bitch of snark street. The boy, 17 is MUCh harder to handle though. He skips school, and is trying to coerce me into online homeschooling. He took off with a "friend" to MISSOURI (three states away!!) for over a week recently on the anniversary of Chad passing. He's got so many absences, he's still in the 9th grade because he pulled this junk last year too. Just at my wits end so I can commiserate for sure!

Today should have been 19 years. I made it through the anniversary of his death and his birthday last week. I struggled but made it through thanksgiving. Today I'm calling an audible and shutting down. I came to work for a half day, but I can't stay here. I'm going to do the bare minimum I have to and pray I don't have much patient/coworker interaction today and I'm going home. I can't stand not being married anymore. I can't stand not having a person. MY person. I can't stand that life is so fucked up and feels like it's never gonna get any better. So today I'm sticking my head back in the sand because I miss him so much it's a tangible hurt.

I have always been all about some Christmas decorating. I even get paid to make wreaths and things for people and have done numerous trees every year. At one point in my life, I was doing my moms, my sisters, the churchs and at least 6 (full size) at my own house. mantles, swags, garlands, wreaths, you name it. Matter of fact right now I have to force myself to make some bows for a coworker today and another coworker is paying me to do her mantle. I've sold 2 wreaths this year. I did the tree here at work last week. And I put up a tree at John and Tammy's because all of their stuff got ruined. (I took one of mine down there and some of my ornaments). And none of that has been fun. It's felt like a "have to" kind of thing. At my house, I have one tree in the stand with lights on. It's the family tree. The one the kids want. And I just don't want to, but I will. There are so many keepsakes. The baby' firsts. Our anniversaries. all the happy homemade ones. And then you get to the past few .. Merry Christmas in Heaven Daddy. and it just breaks me. This was what I was. I was KNOWN for it. Sparkly glittery things just made me dance inside ... and that's gone now. Chad died the month before Christmas in 2013, and I ended up home from work for about 2 weeks. At first I thought there was no way I wanted to do any of it. I'd already put up the family tree before he died, but I had decided hell no on the rest. And then all of sudden I started and couldn't stop. Having something to do with my hands and the pretty things were comforting and I lost myself in it. If it wasn't nailed down it got decorated. Even did the outside although that was HIS thing .. the kids wanted to. Last year, I waited way late, and then halfway threw some stuff up and then it ended up out until February. I just don't know. I went to Busch Gardens this weekend for Christmas Town with friends ... They have 8 MILLION Christmas lights. And maybe that has inspired me some. I'm taking a half day off work today because it's my wedding anniversary and I'm just drained. I worked through the sadiversary and his birthday last week and I've survived (barely) Thanksgiving so I think I've done all I can do. So I'm going home this afternoon, and maybe I'll play. Who's willing to hold me accountable?

http://news.yahoo.com/hour-husband-dies-cardiac-arrest-234800973.html I'll admit, theres been more than once I've had that thought. But to leave behind such a young child, I can't even imagine

This week is really kicking my butt. Monday being the actual sadiversary I expected to be worse than it was. I think that is because the hell didn't start for me till the 24th, which is when we found out that he had died. Facebook/timehop has really had me in a bad place, although I kept telling myself to stop reading it, the pull was strong. Almost like a NEED to relive it even if I didn't want to. The tumor has shrunk some, and while that is a VERY good thing, it has become dislodged from where it was and is now affecting a different part of my brain and triggering nocturnal seizures. I've been staying at my friends' house because my bed and house aren't safe for something like that. Anyway, my friend said he witnessed one of those seizures early this morning while I was still asleep so my head is pounding and tingling and I had to come to work anyway. Someone on my other thread mentioned literally taking these days one second or minute at a time, so that's what I'm trying to do. I still have to get through a lonely thanksgiving tomorrow with just me and my kids and then my wedding anniversary is Monday, would have been 19 years. I was a little befuddled why year 2 seems worse than year 1 was ... I chalk it up to still being a little numb last year and medical issues compounding this year. but I'm just completely strung out. Not sleeping well, not coping well ... making me grumpy on top of everything. I just want to say I'm glad ya'll are here because I need you very much right now

I was always such a holiday girl. Especially Christmas. I was a decorating fool and seemed like every year I'd start earlier and earlier. I feel robbed of something that was so much a part of me because I just can't even. I tried last year. Trying again this year to decorate and stuff but I ain't feelin' it Not to mention over the past few years Thanksgiving had already started to change for my family, so now me and my kids have no where to go on Thursday. I bought a turkey and I'm halfway thinking about cooking it but I feel so pathetic. So I'm no help here obviously. But wanted to say I hear you.

There are no words of comfort that will ever be enough. Two years ago today I found out my husband was gone from the earth forever and today is just as sharp as that day was. You don't get over it, I don't think. But in that 2 years, there HAVE been some happy moments, some "proud of myself for getting it done" moments, smiles mix in with the tears. I want to extend a welcome to the board, though I regret so much you even had reason to be here. None of us here can say anything that will make anything better but we are here anytime to be a sounding board or a wailing wall. I don't feel qualified to offer advice because I personally think 2 years later I should be doing better than I am. But I had to let you know you're being heard and thought about and that my heart goes out to you.

I can't believe I have to be here at work today. My office just merged with another bigger medical group and I don't have the time built up to take it off so here I sit, and it's not going well. 2 years ago I was frantically working on a friends vow renewal ceremony and trying over and over and over to get in contact with Chad in Saudi. Thinking he was drunk and ignoring me. On the morning of the 22nd I talked to him on Skype while I got ready for work, as was our routine. That was the last time I ever heard his voice. The last thing he said was he loved me. Our routine was that we?d skype while I got ready (he was just coming in from work Saudi time), then once I got to work we?d email back and forth throughout the day. But by the time I got to work and emailed him, he didn?t answer. The weekend before had been a scary one, he?d been drinking and out of contact with me and scared me so bad. So that very morning on skype he said it was ?going to be a good weekend baby? and that he?d be in constant contact so I wouldn?t worry. Yet 2 hours later, no answer. I went out to the car in the parking lot at work and tried to call his landline, no answer. No answer on skype. So I sent a nasty mean email and decided he was drinking again and screw him, I had things to do. I was helping my best friend do her vow renewal that was more like a real wedding. I was doing the food, the decorating, the directing and the photography so I had my hands full. Worked hard on wedding stuff into the week hours of the morning that night and intentionally didn?t try to call him. The next morning was full on wedding madness and I just didn?t have time. I was furious with him. Fast forward to that evening, during the wedding ceremony I had this dread feeling pop up in my stomach. They had a part in the ceremony where they asked their married friends to stand and renew their vows with them and I remember being so sad he wasn?t there to stand with me and I just had to sit. I excused myself and went to the church kitchen and tried to call him. No answer. Skype again. No answer. So then I had to handle the reception and was so busy, but every few minutes I kept trying. I think I even said, ?Please just tell me you?re alive?. Because by this point, mad was giving way to panic and fear. Again. I had dreamed his death the month before and had not been able to shake it. Like a spectre over me. On the way home from the wedding at like midnight it should have been long past time for him to sober up and call me. He should have been at work by then because Sunday was a work day in Saudi. I called the bldg manager where he lived and had him go check his room. That man told me that someone had seen him leave for work and to call back the next day. That was SO unlike Chad. He refused to ever let me stay mad. He would never have gone to work without speaking to me. It was his birthday and I couldn?t for the life of me figure out why he?d not talk to me and the kids. So at that point I called his mom. He was lonely and it was his birthday the day before and I thought if he didn?t talk to me of course he would talk to his mom. Nope, she had not heard a word. But that man told me they SAW Chad leave for work, so I went to bed, this was like 3 a.m. I was exhausted and fell asleep. At about 8, my phone started ringing. I grabbed it and was ready to give him an earful for worrying me. But no, it was his mom, did I ever hear from him? And at that moment, I was like, OMG no, I haven?t. True hard core panic set in. Now I knew it was bad, I knew before I was told I?d never see him again. I logged into facebook on his account and put out a post to everyone in Saudi that I needed to find him. Several of his friends told me they?d help look. I had no other ideas. I sat there with the phone in my hand and the laptop, hitting refresh over and over. When an hour passed, I knew that his friend would not be calling me, because he wouldn?t be allowed. Sure enough, about 9 a.m. a chaplain called me with the ?I regret to inform you ???.? speech. I don?t remember much else. Screams, obviously mine. Grabbing the keys to the car, hearing my daughters boyfriend say I was gonna try to drive. He and my daughter followed me to the car. My son, it was his 15th birthday ? he had picked up the phone when I threw it and started talking to the chaplain and I just walked right out of the house without him. I still can?t believe I did that. I wasn?t even dressed. Had on yoga pants and a tank top and no shoes. I drove straight to the church where I knew my sister would be and walked right into the service which was already in progress. My sister was the one who practically raised me and the only one I wanted; I just knew she could fix it. Many others tried calling the military base here, calling people they knew, calling Saudi trying to get details and confirm what had happened. He had ?acquired? a bottle of ?vodka? (alcohol not allowed there, homemade and sold illegally on the compounds) and was found at his table with a plate of food in front of him and the bottle on the table. 10 feet away from his bed where his CPAP machine was. Eating dinner was always the last thing he did, after drinking and then he?d go straight to bed. He was probably 10 minutes away from having been just fine. The alcohol deadened his nervous system, so when he fell asleep and laid his chin on his chest, he cut off his airway (he had TERRIBLE sleep apnea) and his nervous system was too compromised to send the signal to wake up. Or at least that?s what was pieced together. I will never know the exact truth. Im sitting here at work, wishing to God I didn?t have to be here. Reliving every moment of that day. Tomorrow is my son?s birthday. I have nothing for him. He wants to sleep through it. Then Thursday is thanksgiving and our plans fell through so we have nothing for that either. Next Monday is my wedding anniversary. I just don?t know how to do it. I?m tired. Rode to Alabama with a friend to a football game this weekend to exhaust myself so I wouldn?t think about it, guess avoiding the reality that would smack me in the face today. I just can?t fathom where 2 years has gone. I?d give anything to change those events ? there were so many things I could have done differently that may have made a difference. I just don?t know. How do I survive this week? My poor kids ? No matter what I do I just can?t make it right for them.

Yes, because I have a brain tumor. Well, it's not cancerous per se, but it IS inoperable so if the drugs I'm taking to shrink it don't work ... well that possibly IS there , forever in the back of my mind. I found out about it when my husband first left to go to Saudi. He'd been gone about a month and I didn't want to worry him so I never told him or my kids. Did a short stent on chemo, and the headaches stopped and I stopped therapy. Probably should not have because it's now bigger than ever. So I think about it all the time ;(

I wish there was a way not to see the "views" a post has received. 57? I feel like I'm talking into a vacuum. Have I done or said something wrong here?

right. here. with. you. Can't offer any help obviously but I'm angry at Chad today too. Angry at myself. The situation and life in general

for sure fuck you November.

Lets see, two years ago 11/13 my husband's daughter gave birth to a precious baby girl, making him a granddad. Two years ago 11/14 his favorite uncle died in his early 50s and he was in Saudi and couldn't come be with his family. This week two years ago was awful. He was off the rails drinking. He couldn't hide it even 7000 miles away. I was angry at him. VERY angry. We had days where I wouldn't answer Skype when it rang because I was "trying to teach him a lesson for worrying me", because he would disappear and not talk to me and I knew he was drinking. Did I stop and think how depressed he was? That he had a grandbaby he couldn't hold? Had lost a family member that was dear to him and he couldn't be there. That his birthday was rushing up fast and he'd be alone over there. That he'd miss his son's birthday the day after that? Our anniversary the week after that? Christmas the month after that. Did I for once quit being selfish long enough to put myself in his shoes and see the WHY behind the binge drinking? Sad thing is, alcohol is not legal there, so everything he drank was illegally made hooch ... no standards, no regulations, no nothing. You never knew WHAT you were drinking basically and it always hit him HARD. i'll write the whole story later this week when I can think better. I'd like to get it down "in print" so to speak. But for right now I just need coping skills. I dreamed about him the other night, that we were at the campground at the beach and he was wandering from campsite to campsite looking in other peoples coolers for alcohol. And then he started hitting me (something he never did...) I mean BEATING me till I was bleeding while I was begging him to just hold me. I think I was numb last year for the 1st anniversary. I don't know where 2 years has gone, but this is BAD right now. I'm having trouble at work, not getting anything done. Same at home. Maybe its the chemo and the fact that I feel so out of energy and drained all the time I have no defenses to fight the depression. I don't know. Monday is the actual anniversary and I'm going to have to work. I don't know how to get thru that. I am going to Alabama Friday for the Tide football game and I'm hoping that will be a helpful distraction. But I don't know how to survive till then, or get thru Monday. I just want November GONE.

I agree with all of the above. I wish I had read a lot of this before Chad died, because he had THREE funerals. My sister forced me into one 2 days after I lost him .. his body was still in Saudi, so it didn't feel real and it didn't suit him or our life and I remember none of it. His family refused to come to NC from Missouri, so they held one there all on their own complete with a walmart flag and a high school color guard. (ugh!) ..they PRESENTED that flag to his mom. (don't get me started). Finally, after 6 weeks when his body was brought back, I coordinated his interment ceremony at the Veteran's Cemetery and FINALLY it felt right. It felt like what he would have wanted and I got a smidge of peace. I never speak to his family anymore and that's just fine with me. Though Chad would hate it. Anyway I didn't mean to ramble, but was just trying to say I can empathize.

I had to do Chad's too, the funeral home did manage to get the flag for me, but I had to arrange for an officiant, flowers (because this too was almost 2 months after the fact, so no one would be sending any). The people at the veterans cemetery were WAY more helpful and nice than the funeral home.Because all I did at the funeral home was a private family viewing and direct cremation ..... he acted like a total a-hole. I hope all goes smoothly for you from here on out.

So all the times I WANTED to dream about Chad I never could. Now, this month is the anniversary of his death and his birthday and I've been having a particularly hard time and missing him more, every thought seeming to surround him. Last night, I dreamed he came back. And was drinking. Heavily. Every single opportunity he got. Driving with the kids. Camping at the beach. All the trauma of dealing with his alcoholism was tangible and real and woke me up at 530 shaking. I remember screaming "I was better off single. I was better off with you dead" at his face I don't know how much I can take of this ...

fuck that my 16 year old son had nearly get suspended from school yesterday before anyone would listen to him. WTF??? You gonna suspend a kid for CRYING over his dad? He left the room to try to control his emotions cause he was embarrassed. SO I went to war. Needless to say, he is not suspended however I am still pissed.

I have so much I want to say and then I sit down at the keyboard and words don't come. im a mess. im in trouble and I know it but cant seem to do anything about it. I thought I'd ask for prayers but I have pushed God away so much why would he listen now? November is killing me and I don't think the rest of the world got the memo that really just grief and misery were all I could handle so it threw many many many real world issues at me and I'm drowning. I'm just not ok.

the closest I have come to that is I told a friend who works at a local radio station our story last year, and he got it on the air with the Christmas thing they were doing, helping local families. I was embarrassed but my kids would not have had Christmas otherwise, so I just let my pride take the hit. Just know once it's out there, yes there will be those who want to help, wonderful people. But as with most things in the media these days, there are some people that seem to actually thrive on pure meanness

I ended up talking with someone else who figured out where a mistake was made in Utah at their SS office. They've fixed the "overpayment", so at least I don't have that $6000 hanging over me but they are still going to cut it until she turns 19 or drops out of school. Shes 26 weeks pregnant. I can't see her staying in school but we'll see. I'm trying to make a plan for thanksgiving week. I feel like if I don't I won't be strong enough to stay. The weekend before I think I'm going to ride with a friend to Alabama to a crimson tide football game. Ive already decided to eliminate my family from the drama before it even becomes an issue, so thanksgiving dinner will be me, my children, my roommate and her kid. Simple. I HAVE to find a way to get through this month. I'm terrified. Walked into work this morning to the news that one of my co-worker's husband had a massive heart attack last night and is not expected to live ...... I don't even like her very much but I wouldn't wish this on anyone. It's been quite the trigger for me this morning.

oh honey .... no no no. I'm so sorry Sally... youre right ..fuck that

Cutting AND repaying. It's "only" going to be cut until the March 2016 check then she has to fall off no matter what. The repaying is cause they claim they have been overpaying me since February. I spent my whole lunch hour there to no avail. I can appeal the overpayment, but they won't budge on the monthly reduction. Suck it up buttercup. Again. They've done this to me once already. I am FURIOUS with Chad today. Damn him for not being able to tell alcohol no, even to the point where he took a job 7000 miles away thinking it wasn't allowed in that country ... but he found a way anyway and it killed him. I try not to blame him, I try to remind myself alcoholism is a true disease. But why why why could he have not needed me and his kids more than his next drink and told it no? He cast us into hell

Nothing is ever given a chance to level out. Ever. This was the weekend from hell. Friday was payday. The medical practice I work for has been bought out by a large area hospital. They didn't tell anyone that during the changeover we are considered new employees and they held a weeks' pay. No warning or notice at all. THEN ... Friday after work I check the mail and there are two notices from social security. Never good. They have cut my social security $600 a month AND they want me to pay back almost $6000 they claim they over paid me because of Chad's daughter bouncing in and out and in and out again of high school and that takes place .. NOVEMBER. My power bill isn't paid, and I just have no idea how to squeeze the turnip anymore. I just effing give up. Then yesterday morning, I get a text from my 24 year old son (he moved out 3 years ago and wont' talk to me). He hasn't spoken to me in a LONG time. Yesterday's text at 8 a.m. was out of the blue, said "I F*cking hate you, stay out of my life. You will never see your grandchildren. When you die I won't shed a single tear". And NOTHING after that. I asked him what in the world was he talking about but he wouldn't respond. I felt like I had been stabbed. Then I had to drive to Fayetteville and back in the rain because I had to go to the cemetery. It was the only chance I'd have before Veteran's day and Chad had no flowers or anything at his grave. Its a veteran's cemetery, I just couldn't let his be undecorated. I took a bunch of extra flowers and laid some for others who didn't have anything, cleaned up some of those who did, picked up dead flowers, etc. for about 2 hours in the rain. This is never ever going to get better. November 23rd is his birthday and the 2 year mark and I feel WORSE than I ever have. I'm a failure at providing for my kids, I'm a failure in my son's eyes, I can't do it. I just can't pull it together. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so flipping ANGRY at him for leaving me his this hellhole of a mess. How do I tell the kids, oh well the power will be off for 2 weeks? you know, right at thanksgiving and "daddy's dying day" as they call it. And I only see it getting worse because Katie will be 19 in June and will lose her SS. And Jacob will be 17 next month, so we don't have that much longer to get our act together. They are looking for jobs but around here, the jobs that normally teens could have gotten, adults are working to make ends meet. I just don't see anything being ok again. I want to just go be with Chad.