Carey

did i mention .... hurricane coming this way possibly? And even if not, my area will get 6+ inches of rain by Monday. UGH!!! Great beach condo weather huh?

compartmentalizing is probably saving your sanity at the moment. I really think youre right, it's our body's way of sensing total panic and so certain things "shut down" as it were, to shield us. It's not hard heartedness, it's like the turtles shell. Just prepare yourself, because obviously I can't know for sure, but from my experience and others here, once the "flight or fight" mode of taking care of him and doing what you know HAS to be done, as soon as that part is over there may come a total emotional breakdown. And that's not wrong either. There will come a time when you will feel those emotions. I also think others are right, it's your 24/7 reality, he's half of YOU. So you've had to find a way to deal or fall apart. It's not their life so they don't have that protection going on. If that makes any sense?

I wish to God I could believe that Chad and my daddy hooked up and are watching over me and the kids. It would be such a comfort. I miss his stupid ass Gracelet, words ... well you know the drill. Just remember what an honor it is to be with a loved one as they make that transition and I pray that if it happens, it will be peaceful. I didn't want to lose my dad of course, but when I knew that it was happening I just crawled up in his bed like a 4 year old and whispered in his ear. I was the only one touching him, even LOOKING at him when he crossed over and I will always treasure that moment, no matter how much it hurt. Sending big hugs to you.

This is the 6th straight day of almost constant rain here in lovely eastern NC. This morning on the way to work, I had my phone playing music in my car and I had it on shuffle. I know there are "triggers" on there, but sometimes I just choose to feel the pain, yaknow? So this morning lil Miss Carrie Underwood starts her See You Again crap (lol) and I just started bawling. Chad died in November and it was so rainy that week, I remember everywhere I went (in my PJs no less), it was soggy and wet and I didn't care. I've always been a summertime beach girl, but I used to love fall. I have even always enjoyed rainy days. Not so right now. I'm sure the monsoon is not helping, but I resent God or Fate or whatever for effing up one of my favorite times of the year. My birthday is this Saturday and my best friend rented a condo with an ocean view for us for two nights and I keep thinking if I can hang on till then .... but if it feels this bad at the first of October, what in the hell is November going to be like? Rain rain go away ..........

Our main system is down at work today and I don't have much to do. I was cleaning out my inbox and stumbled across emails Chad had sent me from Saudi. This one in particular has made me so sad he said " I love you too. you just need to keep looking at the positive things that are going to come out of all of this. I am getting airframe experience, we are realizing how important we are to each other, I am realizing there is more to life than alcohol, you are connecting to god like never before, we are finally learning to plan together for the future. We just have to commit to keeping after it. I would like to be there loving you too but think how much sweeter it will be when we are finally in each others arms again. I love you very much, Yours always, Me" I never got that "so much sweeter". I never touched him alive again. The job in Saudi was supposed to do so much FOR us and our family, not destroy us. I'm never going to heal from this I don't think. November 23 will be 2 years and that just seems unfathomable, my brain cannot comprehend. It was 9 months before THAT that I last was I his physical presence. I hate him. SOOO much for what he did, what he couldn't do and that was save himself so our whole family wouldn't be lost. I'm mad as f*ck. I miss him so damn much. I was so robbed. Why could I not have at least had that moment at the airport , him coming home and wrapping his arms around me. I'm just pissed today .....don't mind me

I often think ... how strange it is that now I LONG to hear his voice, and there were so many nights of him standing over me as I tried to sleep, slinging insults, name calling, just being so totally hateful that I wished he'd shut up forever. Be careful what you wish for I guess. I commend you on the strength that took , I can only imagine. I only have one tiny little video of Chad where I can hear his voice and even then not all that well ...he's dancing to one of those Target back to school commercials and yes hes drunk. At the time I thought it was hilarious. Now I just find it sad. Sadder still that my kids play it over and over and over. He had to give up his cell phone when he went to Saudi and my son ended up with it so all the texts and voice mails were gone. Little did I know... Anyway .... you did a wonderfully brave thing, and I know it hurt.

I JUST literally like an hour ago wondered about you and poof here you are. Glad to see you back .... you were missed.

what a beautiful picture and such happy memories. Hugs to you honey ... 2 1/2 years may as well feel like 2 1/2 days today huh?

im feeling it today too. Maybe its the change of seasons? Fall will forever f*** me up I guess. No one is really looking for me either. I have good things too but bad things looming .. the constant fear of what in the world will I do in 2 years when social security is over. How do I keep putting one foot in front of the other if he can't. November will be 2 years. People still say I'm standoffish and introverted. I have NO family relationship anymore. They don't agree with choices I've made but what about that family bond that is supposed to love and be there anyway? Anyway, didn't mean to hijack you. Just wanted you to know you're not alone in those feelings, so they are not unrealistic.

He died 11/23. So now I keep think 2 years ago right now I was ..... he was still here.....we were .... And that damn "On this Day" app on FB is still bringing up memories. This morning it reminded me that in 2010 we were snuggling in front of the TV watching stupid movies on a rainy day and I was thankful for him. Which lead to me switching my phone to "his" playlist and it's played over and over for the last hour and a half. Torturing myself. I know I am and I don't know why I don't just stop it. His presence or the lack thereof is suddenly bigger than it was over the summer. The switch to fall will always make me think of those days leading up to the worst day of my life. I really thought this would be better now.

Please don't send one red cent to that woman. He was her son, if she paid for the funeral then good for her. I would cut all contact, up to and including removing her from your facebook friends. That is just cold and unconscionable. I am SO sorry you had to deal with that honey ....

No, it's not a hookup site. It's a messenger app. My kids use it and I use it to keep up with them because it seems to work faster than regular text messages, especially when I am in certain areas. Theres no "dating" aspect to it, unless that's what you're using it for.

Thank you Jen ... I'm right there with you. Any energy I have is channeled into making it to work and making it THRU work. But I'm here .........

This is probably the first Labor Day Weekend we have not been at the beach in approximately 20 years. But I had a repeat MRI last week and the tumor has not shrunk like the doc wanted it to, so he doubled the dosage and extended treatment for another 4-6 months :-( I know I should be grateful it's non-malignant, that even though I've lost some hair, you can't tell, that I'm still sort of functioning at work. But after those things, I got nuttin. I get one good day every 4 days or so, and even then I'm worn out from the previous 3 but at least I'm not laying on the floor sick. Today is that day, so I'm trying to get a lot done here at work. I've finally broken down and told my 18 year old daughter, but I just can't tell my son cause he has no clue how to keep things to himself. So I'm trying to soldier on. I want to be at the beach, and I can't believe I'm not forcing myself to go but just thinking of the heat and the walking and toting stuff (cause we camp) ... it's just too much. and That makes me so sad. I'm also reminded of another not so great labor day weekend when we were camping and Chad got drunk and ended up getting arrested and having to spend 48 hours in jail. It rained ALL weekend and I couldn't leave because I had to be there when he was able to be released. It. Was. Miserable. He actually pulled a similar stunt to little lesser degree another labor day weekend. And now the kids think it's funny, "reminiscing" about those times. Which really upsets me because those are not the memories I want them to have of their dad. And I just figure in my weakened state the beach would be more of a trigger than a salve this weekend. Anyway ... didn't mean to ramble just wanted to let the widda world know I'm still here.

I tend to agree with the others here. There is no threat. He is here alive and well in the flesh. I maybe would not talk about the board a lot with/around him, but I don't think I'd like being told that I had to walk away from the people on the wall who were there through the good the bad and the downright freakishly scary. It just doesn't sound like a fair request. Like another person said, if we were there in town in person, would he still ask you to step back? Not to mention Kenneth will always be a part of you, you will always love him and this is a good place to express that love and remember and think of him, so it IS expressed here and separate, as it were, from your NG relationship. Do you talk a lot about widda? Or is it really just he sees you reading and gets upset about it?

Everytime I hear about something like this, my mind immediately goes to the spouses and children left behind and the horror they are about to experience and it's a guttural reaction ... instinct almost ... to feel acute sadness for even strangers I will never know. Because I know what they are facing and it sucks. I internalize these things so much more now than I ever did before and tend to grieve everyones loss. I even have to take a break from this board for awhile because it seemed I personally felt each persons living nightmare. I don't know why it's affected me that way but it's sure hard to live with.

My husband died on his birthday. My son's birthday was the next day. Birthdays are bad triggers for me and I haven't really celebrated my own since he died; which has only been one so far. I went out of town for the weekend with a friend but couldn't stand to be around my family or others I had spent birthdays with in the past. For me, it had to be different. And I had to be away from work, where I had always received flowers from him every birthday. I still don't enjoy birthdays. May never again, but I just tried to get something different out of the day and it worked well for me.

I'm glad you were able to have at least some good memories of your daughters wedding ... sounds like your self preservation strategy worked I was worried about you, I'm glad you're doing at least as ok as is possible at the moment {{HUG}}

I lost my cat a few weeks ago (one who had been given to me by a dear friend who died just weeks before Chad did), and before that our dog 6 months after Chad died. We don't have dogs right now just because our neighbor is spiteful and many times trapped my dogs and took them to the pound. I do have cats, but miss a dog as well. I would suggest maybe go to shelters occasionally and just wait for the right one to "speak to you" , so to say. Kind of like people, sometimes you just know when you've met the right one. Don't put time constraints on it.

every. single. morning. It's like Groundhog day. Especially worse after nights where he is in my dreams and I wake up and it hits me smack in the face again. Today is 21 months since I woke up in a panic trying to find him and was told he was no more. And it still feels completely unreal.

good morning Sounds like it was a tough evening .... I hope it didn't spiral into a bad night. Hugs.

My son had to change schools just a couple months after his dad died, because we had to move and the transition was so unsuccessful he's repeating the 9th grade. Last year I had tell them more than once that no, he's not just a sullen moody unhappy teenager and he's not intentionally being belligerent just to piss you off. New school doesn't seem to have much grief training or even compassion for that matter. So I am sure I will be repeating myself again this year. First year of high school was hell, I can't even fathom kindergarten. I truly hope it all goes well, I am sure if you speak with the teachers, they will be compassionate and patient, given the age group.

I have no advice as I dragged a very belligerent Jacob out of bed this morning to repeat his 9th grade year because he melted down last year too. But I truly hope that your son reaches his stride this time and start living his dreams like I'm sure his dad would want him too. Be proud of yourself too ... for helping him reach this point.

Congratulations! He's beautiful!

1. I have power at my house. Yay. 2. Its Friday, I can put gas in my tank. 3. One of my best friends is here from Missouri, may be moving her permanently. oh and a bonus ... I have a box of little debbies for my drawer at work lol