jlp

So, I've been out of state for the last five days to visit my sister. She, her boyfriend, and a group of their friends do a canoe/camping trip every spring and this year they invited me to join them. It was so relaxing, to have a few days where my responsibilities were minimal and I slept the best I've slept in probably well over a year. The weather was beautiful (except for one pretty chilly night). And it was probably the longest I've gone without crying since DH died ten months ago. I got paired up in a canoe with a friend of my sister's BF who was widowed a couple of years ago. I was a bit suspicious, thinking maybe it was a surreptitious setup on their part, but I don't think so. He was a really nice guy, though, and it did give me a bit of hope that maybe I will be able to find a nice fellow to once again share my life with -- they are out there. I got home at 2:30 today and within two hours, I was in tears. Apparently while I was gone, some of my flowers and apple trees were starting to bloom, then a hailstorm came last night and ripped everything to shreds. While I was out cleaning up some of the mess, I managed to accidently lock myself out of the house! S#!t. Fortunately, I was able to find some keys in the garage, but by that time, the pleasantness of my "vacation" had been ruined and all I could think about was how nice it would be to not have to be a "grown-up" any more and just run away and shirk all my responsibilities. It was so nice to have a break from grieving and feeling overwhelmed. I hate to whine -- I know I should just put on my big girl panties and deal with it. But sometimes I just don't want to!

Oh, Jen. Yes, yes, yes, yes and YES! They probably happen a couple of times a week -- usually I can identify a trigger, something small. At least I've mostly avoided those in public. My favorite is those gasping, gut-wrenching sobs which I never before experienced in my life. And mostly, it leaves as quickly as it comes. I've always called them "grief attacks" but "griefquakes" is so much more descriptive. Sometimes I wish there really were a "widow island" where we could all physically be together. But in the meantime .. (((hugs)))

Oh, Michael, your post dredged up something I was trying to ignore, but it's useless, so I might as well chime in. A year ago today, I took DH to the hospital as he as having trouble peeing. Turns out he had a bladder infection, was catheterized, and given antibiotics. Two days later (on Easter Sunday, a beautiful day), it was back to the ER because he couldn't poop. Spent all day and most of the evening there, before he was admitted with a bowel obstruction. In the hospital for a week, waiting for the obstruction to correct itself, which it did. During that time, we were told that his tumors appeared to be shrinking a bit after the first round of chemo. Yay, right? Except he was gone ten weeks later, just eight weeks short of our 30th wedding anniversary. With apologies to Alfred E. Neumann -- "What, me bitter?" No wonder I haven't stopped crying for the last two days. The next three months are going to suck so bad, and there's nothing I can do about it. I'll hang out with all of you and hope for the best.

I am so sorry, hon. I wish there were something I could say to take the pain away, but there isn't. Please know I am thinking of you and grieve with you.

I'm glad I stumbled upon this thread. I'm at nine months out, but I can totally relate to this. Early on, my nearly 30-year marriage to DH seemed like a dream: was it real? Did it really happen? Once the shock wore off, I was able to more appreciate our time together -- feel comforted by looking at pictures of him, etc. But now recently, I'm back into "was this really only a dream" mode, but for different reasons. My grief is starting to lessen and now I feel guilt that I'm no longer devastated by his death. Does this mean that I didn't really love him? Am I forgetting him? My mind says, of course not, but it weighs on my heart just the same. No, we can't intensely grieve forever, but I'm finding the transition difficult, awkward, and unsettling. As always, it helps to know that this is a fairly natural progression of grief. Still, it bugs me that the loss of my soul mate and the love of my life will someday not hurt so much. I can't help but feel it's disrespectful of him, but I also know that I would end up in a padded cell if the grief didn't lessen. Ugh! Grief sucks!

ColSavMama, I am so sorry this is happening -- as if you haven't had enough to deal with. I agree with Nuggets, that you really don't owe them anything. But if you're afraid you might have regrets down the line, well ... I think I would recommend talking to a therapist/psychologist/etc. if you can swing it. It is so hard to think clearly when your world has been turned upside down. An outside party with no emotional involvement may be able to help you focus on what you want to do. I personally wouldn't expose these people to your children until you are sure they are truly well-meaning (which I doubt). But, if you think you need to try to mend fences, do it with the guidance of a professional and be prepared to cut ties if need be. On the other hand, a therapist may just tell you to screw it, protect your and your children's emotional well-being at all costs. Sorry, I guess I'm not being very helpful, but I do believe in getting outside help if you can.

Interesting. I hit the 9-month mark on Thursday and just now realized that I didn't make note of the date for the first time since DH died. Huh. Yes, I've been feeling really lonely lately, too, and I think a lot of it is just craving some physical affection. Also, someone to talk to on a daily basis, maybe. (I mean someone special, not the grocery clerk!) But I know that I'm also still way too banged up to be of use to anyone -- not fair to them or me. But, yes, I've been thinking of it, too, so I guess that means we must be making some progress, even though most of the time I don't feel that I am. I'm really working hard on my grief for now. Perhaps someday I'll be ready to date, but I think I need to get through at least a week without crying first!

Thank you, everyone! I will be checking out the "three good things" thread. I loved your ideas and suggestions -- thanks!

Well, I haven't been to the Renaissance Festival in years, mostly because I live about as far away in the metro as you can get. But, I've found it enjoyable when I've gone and could possibly be persuaded to go again. I'd vote for Chocolate Weekend because 1) I'm not Irish and 2) well, it's chocolate.

OK, I've been having a big ol' pity party the last week or so -- not one thing in particular, just a lot of little things. Tonight while watching the news I realized that I do have a lot to be grateful for, which is not to say I'm not entitled to feel my gut-wrenching grief from time to time. So, I guess my question is: has anyone tried practicing gratitude in the midst of their grief and has it helped and how much? I know I could probably just look around me at the good things, but is there more that can be done? I'm not particularly religious, but am open to Bible verses that might be uplifting. Just wondering if anyone has done this, had any luck with it and has any suggestions.

For some reason, this song popped into my head and I found it comforting. I'm not sure of the original meaning, but I like to think it can apply to us. https://www.google.com/#q=just+one+victory+video

November, I am on nearly the same timeline as you and the same thing is happening to me. I was doing really well for a couple of weeks and now for the last week I can hardly stop crying. And yes, sometimes the grief feels almost as raw as at the beginning. I think part of it for me is that this time of year we would be starting to get ready for summer -- planning the garden, motorcycle rides, etc. Now -- nothing. (I will still garden, but it won't be the same.) Also, I've started reliving the last few months of his life and at times, it's almost unbearable. I know setbacks like this aren't unusual, but that doesn't make them hurt any less. And I'm still doing all the "self-care" as usual and it doesn't seem to be helping. I don't know -- I wish someone had a magic wand ...

Jen, I'm sorry you are having such a bad day -- there must be something in the air. I've been doing really well the last few weeks and then today -- not so much. I think part of it for me is having too much on my plate at the moment and feeling myself being pulled in all different directions. Too many people wanting me to make decisions I'm not ready to make. I'm tired of being lonely. I'm not looking forward to reliving the last three and a half months of my husband's time on Earth. We'll get through this, I'm sure -- please know you are not alone. I've so appreciated your posts over the months and please know I am thinking of you.

My husband died four months after being diagnosed with Stage IV kidney cancer.