jlp

Amen, sistah! Or in my case sometimes, people who have never been married!

Thanks, everyone. As always, I am so grateful to have a place to come to let off some steam and get support and encouragement. OK, so today, the humidity is about 25% less than yesterday and I got a little inspired. I made hummingbird nectar and fed all the birds; froze six pints of broccoli from my garden; did five loads of laundry; and finally got someone over to clean my gutters and someone else scheduled to set mole traps in my yard before the end of the week. So, it might not seem like a whole lot to some people but compared to what I have been doing (not much) it's a lot. I still feel a little depressed thinking about all the things that still need to be done, but it's a start. Also, for the fourth weekend in a row, I have nothing planned socially. I've been trying to get stuff lined up but everyone's so busy this time of year, it seems, and I'm guess I'm pretty low on the priority list. Well, I guess I'll try to celebrate the "small victories."

OMG! August 28 is MY birthday, too! Ha! What are the odds? (Statistically speaking, not as odd as you might think. ;D

Virgo, you must have read my mind. After my initial post, I made a modest list for things to do tomorrow and I think I can get them done. That might just provide the start to the momentum I need. BTW, I assume you really are a Virgo? I am, so I'm sure you can relate to how frustrating a situation like this can be to people like "us."

... as in, I just don't feel like doing anything lately and I think I need some help/suggestions (or a kick in the rear-end ) to get going again. July 2 was my one-year sadiversary. I made sure to have plans that day and in the couple of weeks beforehand to help keep me busy, somewhat distracted, and my spirits up. I made it through the day and the July 4th weekend in good shape, then crashed because, of course, I hadn't really lined up anything "fun" for after that. So, I went into a funk for a couple of weeks, then decided I needed to get my act together and start planning/getting things done again. Here's the problem: it's been pretty hot and it's been difficult to get out and do just the bare minimum of yardwork -- it's become apparent that all the plans I had for getting stuff done this year are rapidly going down the tubes. I don't have central A/C, so household chores become difficult at times as well. I'm trying to hire people to do some outside stuff for me and am having trouble even getting anyone to return my calls. Help from my friends has been spotty at best. So, here I sit with a "to-do" list a couple of weeks old with hardly any items crossed off. I can't get myself going. I can't get other people going. Just really feeling stuck. Still dealing with legal issues, too, which is a time sucker. If anyone has any ideas as to how to get myself "kick-started" I'd appreciate it. Or at least let me know I'm not alone in this whole "feeling stuck" thing. It's just making me feel really overwhelmed and depressed ... Oh, forgot to mention that I have a bad shoulder for which I'm getting physical therapy and even my grief counselor isn't responding to my emails. I guess I'm not surprised I just feel like crawling into bed and staying there.

July 2 was the one-year anniversary of DH's death. I did a lot of "anticipatory" grieving, I guess you could say, in May, thinking that all of June would be spent reliving the last month of his life. But when June came, I was OK. I purposely made as many plans as possible for social activities and I managed to get through it all with minimal meltdowns. But now? I'm tired. I'm so, so tired. I was not one to crawl under the covers after his death -- I honestly would have liked to, but instead I had the opposite reaction. Go, go, go, push, push, push. There is no right or wrong, that's just me. I should make up a list of everything I've done or had done around the house the past year and hand it out to people who wonder how I spend my time, if I get bored. No! I'm exhausted! DH didn't feel too well the last couple of years of his life and so many things got neglected. I'm trying to make up for lost time, but all this effing rain isn't helping. And all the people who said they'd help? Better put out an APB. I have found myself crying the last couple of days, not from grief or sadness, but from anger and frustration. I hope I'm not going to spend year 2 in "crash" mode. I honestly thought I could do this, but now I'm starting to wonder. Because, you know, it seems people are always willing to "help" you mow the lawn (with a rider) or vacuum your house, but nobody wants to do the shit work of weeding the gardens or cleaning the bathrooms. Thanks for letting me vent.

Ditto, ditto, ditto! I was flabbergasted to learn how common "abandonment" is with widowhood. It didn't make me feel any better, but at least I felt less like a loser. All good suggestions here and I found a grief counselor to be helpful. (I think local hospice is a good place to start.) They can tailor help to your specific situation. For example, I lived alone in a semi-rural area and wasn't working, no family nearby, so my counselor suggested I go out every day, even if it was just to mail a letter or get some milk. And some days, that was all I could manage. But making myself get up and get dressed every day was a good thing. As always, everyone's situation is unique, but you get the idea. And yes, it sucks, but as they say -- it's not you, it's them!

I am so sorry you have had to join the club that no one wants to be a member of. But the previous responses are spot on -- this is where you need to be. Over the last (nearly) year, I have found this site to be more helpful than the two grief groups, grief counselor, or psychologist I've used. We "get" it and the site is open 24/7. There is no "right" way to grieve, but if you find yourself experiencing something you think might not be "normal," just ask: pretty sure it is and most of us have experienced it. I agree with all of the suggestions that have been given here and will only share the three things I've found most helpful: be gentle with yourself (only do what you can and/or want to do); ask for help (not always easy to do); and stay focused on the present (looking beyond even a week can sometimes be overwhelming). Glad your children are so supportive. We're here for you, too.

I have been following your story but didn't feel compelled to comment until today. Your latest post took my breath away! I think the word "awesome" is way overused, but in this case I think it applies to you. I am seeing not only progress, but more resolve -- looks to me like you are on the home stretch in so many ways. We're rooting for you -- just please, please be safe!

Mikeeh, I am so sorry. In just over a week (the 24th) will be the one-year anniversary of my husband being admitted to hospice. "Fortunately," I was able to manage his pain and keep him at home -- though he was gone in just over a week. It's painful and there's no two ways about it.

Great article -- thanks for sharing. We surely can all relate. She was spot on!

"there are some memories that never, ever, soften with time. There's nothing about a terminal sentence and watching my husband die that will ever get "better". This.

In that 2012 speech, Biden talks about the constant weight of grief. "Just when you think, ?Maybe I?m going to make it,? you?re riding down the road and you pass a field, and you see a flower and it reminds you. Or you hear a tune on the radio. Or you just look up in the night. You know, you think, ?Maybe I?m not going to make it, man.' Because you feel at that moment the way you felt the day you got the news." Biden doesn't end the speech easy. He doesn't say the grief ever goes away. He just says, eventually, it makes room for other things, too. "There will come a day ? I promise you, and your parents as well ? when the thought of your son or daughter, or your husband or wife, brings a smile to your lips before it brings a tear to your eye," Biden says. "It will happen." I hope so. I truly hope so.

Candace, I'm so sorry things have gone south on you so quickly. It does sometimes seem like a person just can't catch a break. I have often felt the way you are feeling -- I think it's so hard to find meaning in life when you're childless, as we are. And living without hope is exhausting and you've been doing it longer than me. I don't have anything to help you feel better -- just know you're not alone. ((((hugs))))

(Sorry this is in two places -- messed up!) For those of you who did not lose your spouses suddenly, how did you manage to make it through the days/weeks leading up to the anniversary of the death? I'm at 11 months and honestly thought a few weeks ago I was doing better, but this past week has been horrible. All I can think about is "a year ago (such and such day) he was admitted to the hospital; on this day, he came home; on this day, he was admitted to hospice." Etc. I've been working hard to try to line up social activities for the next few weeks, to help keep me distracted and cheered up, but I'm still struggling. When you're a widow (especially without kids), I might as well have Ebola, for as much as I feel shunned. Way too much crying going on. So, if any of you have any tips that might help me avoid crawling into bed for the next months, it would be much appreciated.

S$$t. I'm so screwed up, I just realized this should go into the "One year and beyond" category.

For those of you who did not lose your spouses suddenly, how did you manage to make it through the days/weeks leading up to the anniversary of the death? I'm at 11 months and honestly thought a few weeks ago I was doing better, but this past week has been horrible. All I can think about is "a year ago (such and such day) he was admitted to the hospital; on this day, he came home; on this day, he was admitted to hospice." Etc. I've been working hard to try to line up social activities for the next few weeks, to help keep me distracted and cheered up, but I'm still struggling. When you're a widow (especially without kids), I might as well have Ebola, for as much as I feel shunned. Way too much crying going on. So, if any of you have any tips that might help me avoid crawling into bed for the next months, it would be much appreciated.

We're here. We're here for you. I don't know what I can do to help you, other than to let you know you're not alone. Have you been sleeping? I know that lack of sleep can make things very dark.

Just got a call from my 94-year-old aunt to tell me that she was reminiscing and thinking about me (and my siblings). She had some flowers from her garden that she put on my dad and my grandparents graves last week -- thinking they wouldn't last until this weekend. She is my dad's older sister -- my dad was robbed, dying at the age of 60. Mom was robbed, too, being widowed early, same as me. Anyway, my aunt lost her (second) husband just over a year ago and is feeling sad, too. I am the first of the "cousins" to lose a spouse, despite the fact that I'm next to the youngest of nine cousins/siblings. It was so nice of her to remember us (brother and sister as well) and call, and I could tell from our brief conversation that she "gets it". We were both near tears, I could tell, as we talked. I don't care if you're 94 or 24 -- widowhood sucks, and no one who hasn't gone through it can ever understand. Period. But, it's been a rainy, dreary day, and I am so grateful that someone remembered me.

Hang in there, the_master. I remember the three-month mark quite clearly and I also remember that it was shortly after that that I started to feel better. It was still painful, because the shock started to wear off, but the grief became a bit more bearable and I felt I could function a bit better. As far as wanting to die -- completely normal to feel that way (as long as you don't plan to act on it!). I still have days like that once in a while -- life seems to have lost its meaning. But those days are few and far between now (I'm at 10 1/2 months.) If you're a list maker, make lists -- for the day and maybe the week. It helped me stay focused and in the moment. It really is one foot in front of the other most of the time, and if I think too far ahead in the future (more than a week -- ha!) it still sends me into a tailspin. I'd give anything to fix your pain right now, but I cannot. It does get better but you must be patient and gentle with yourself. Don't push too hard and allow yourself time to grieve. It sucks, but it must be done. Many hugs to you!

What a ????? weekend. I don't even know how to describe it. I went to the wedding of the only nephew on DH's side of the family. This winter, I offered Nephew DH's wedding band and he and his bride-to-be accepted. Really meant a lot to me, and to him, too, I think. Anyway, the ceremony was lovely but so, so bittersweet for me, knowing that what once was a part of my life has now become someone else's. And at the risk of sounding like a Negative Nancy, all I kept thinking is that unless they happen to be one of those lucky old couples who die within hours of each other, one of them will at some point experience the hell I've been going through and I'd give anything to spare them that pain. (I'm not particularly religious, but I think in that moment, I finally "got" why Jesus agreed to die for our sins.) I don't normally cry at weddings, but I cried through the entire thing this time. How embarrassing. Anyway, at the reception, my BIL informed me that one of their cousins was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer a couple of months ago. This cousin and my husband were born in the same year and I often thought looked enough alike to be brothers. It breaks my heart to think that Cousin was already suffering from cancer (most likely) at DH's memorial service last summer but didn't know it. It just makes me sick to think about it. So, I guess what should have been such a joyous occasion (and it was, in some ways), I ended up being an emotional wreck in ways I hadn't anticipated. As always, thanks for listening. It makes me feel better to know that there are people who understand and care.

This is fabulous! Thanks Kealoha! I shared it on my Facebook page for all of my DGI friends and family!

I am so frustrated right now. I know in the big scheme of things this is pretty minor, but it's just the piling of disappointment on top of loss that is so aggravating. One of my few passions/hobbies is gardening. I've always found it to be therapeutic. I didn't have a garden last summer because DH was dying, then died, and it was all I could do to keep the grass cut. I was so looking forward to getting outside this year, "playing in the dirt", and restoring things to some semblance of order after a couple of summers of neglect. In early April, I called one of our best friends to ask if he would be willing/able to till my gardens this year. Yes, I was first on his list, he assured me. Well, here it is, well over a month later, and it still hasn't been done and probably won't be this week, because it will be too wet. I hate to throw him under the bus, because he was a rock for us for so many months, but I can't help but feel a bit abandoned. I would happily pay him for the things he's helped with (or that I'd like for him to do), but he won't accept money. If I had known this was going to happen, I would have hired someone else to do it and would have little plants popping up by now. But it's not just friends. The snowplow company I hired assured me they would clean up any mess made over the winter (I have a gravel driveway). Again, I called in early April to let them know that I would indeed need some cleanup. I was assured that they would be out around mid-April. Right. Some guy finally showed up yesterday afternoon and did a half-ass job (it's possible he might be coming back, I don't know). The point is, like a lot of other widows, I imagine, I hate to ask for help. I do as much as I can myself, including grass-cutting, edging, weed-eating, even trimming small tree branches. I am not a wimp. But there as some things I just can't physically do, and when people say they'll do something then don't come through (especially if I've PAID them to do something), it just really sets me off. DAMMIT! I DON'T NEED THIS SHIT IN ADDITION TO EVERYTHING ELSE! Phew! I feel better. Anyone else experience this?

Trying, I'm older than you and I found as I became perimenopausal then going through menopause, I also had trouble sleeping. (Usually staying asleep, not falling asleep.) A few months after DH died, it was so bad for a few weeks that I became like a zombie and thought I was really losing my mind. I finally realized I had been pushing myself too hard. I made myself basically do nothing for a weekend to force myself to relax, and that seemed to help. I've heard of everything from tart cherry juice, Earl Grey (bergamot) tea, and extended release melatonin helping people, though I've never really tried them. My psychologist told me to try to isolate what was going on when I woke up and I realized I was in pain! Honestly, I basically just needed a new mattress! With that, and a fan on low for some white noise and air movement, I'm sleeping much better. So, maybe just trying to figure out why you're waking up might be a start. It really sucks though -- it's not enough that we're all emotional anyway, and lack of sleep just makes it worse!

It is still very new and raw for you -- and auto pilot is a very good way to put it. I'm at ten months and still cry most days, but not as much. Cry as much as you need to -- it is therapeutic and healing. I know the pain really sucks, I just hope that you can take a little comfort in what you are experiencing is typical and healthy (according to my psychotherapist!).