Leadfeather

This. Seventeen months out this is what I am fighting against as well. I have accepted that my spouse is gone and am now faced with a future where I might live more years without her than I had with her. It is a thought that has removed joy from my life. In addition to what Trying suggested I would also let your friends know exactly what you need. Share with them how you are not feeling strong, how you are having anxiety and feelings of apathy. Be honest with them so that they can help you.

I plan on getting an apartment downtown at the end of the summer when my sons move out. One is getting his own place, one is heading back to college. Then I will get the the house that had been our home for 20 years ready to sell. This thread has been helpful. Thank you.

I am so sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself. Reach out for help when you need it.

I can identify with the identity whiplash. I was talking to my mother last night. She lives a block away and was widowed a year before I was. She saw an interview with a man who had lost both legs on TV. He said something to the effect that he could not find peace with the loss of his legs until his identity caught up with his reality. I have been thinking about that statement all morning. It has made me realize I still struggle with identifying myself as I did for the 25 years I was married. I identify as being part of a committed couple. I am need to align my identity with the new reality that I am a single man. It would be nice for life to stop for a while and let us take a deep breath and adjust. But we have to adjust on the fly. Having realized this I am actually more at peace this morning that I have been for a while.

Thank you everyone, a good friend pointed out to me that I hit one out of the park with the first woman I ever dated. I was married to her for 25 years. Which means when everyone else was making mistakes and learning about dating in their college years I didn't learn anything. So now I get to make all my mistakes in my late, late 40s. Learning by doing and making mistakes in the (public) here on the boards is a little embarrassing but what the hell. So here is the update. A. and I are still talking. I enjoy her company when it is available and I have stopped trying to put her in a category which has made me more relaxed. I am letting it be what it will be. I have also set up meet and greets with two other women.

Yes! Though I have accepted the reality of her being gone I still have moments when it hits me all over again. It is no longer a backward looking feeling of shock, it has become moments of shock that all the days before me will be without her. I was reading a Travis McGee novel last night. And there was a quote about death. It is not a happy quote, or an uplifting quote but it struck me as a true to how I feel stunned these days. The caveat to the authors sentiment is that I am a Christian and believe someday the ship will dock and we will be united with everyone who was dropped over the side. But that does not help with the missing while we are still onboard. Anyway, here is the quote,

I understand the anxiety. If I come home and my son does not answer hello, I go upstairs to make sure he is not lying dead on the floor. I know he is out at a class or at work, but I still have to check before I can relax. I never felt the need before my wife died, but ever since I found her body in the yard, I always have to check. I wonder if it will ever change.

Thank you. I honestly do not know what to do with myself today. It is beautiful out, the kind of Spring day my LW would have loved. Which makes it all the harder to enjoy it. Thursday and Friday of this week I drove an 18 hour round trip to pick up my son from college. A trip through the UP of Michigan. A place where my LW and I took so many vacations together. Last night I talked at length with the woman I have been seeing and it became very clear to me that she is not ready for a committed long term relationship despite what her profile said. My heart keeps saying "yeah but maybe. . ." but my head knows the truth. The feelings I have for her mean I can not just see her casually, it would hurt to much. This life is beautiful in so many ways but it is also so ugly and difficult. . .This is the second year, all of my friends have gone back to their lives and I do not begrudge them that, but I am heartsick.

It looks like the woman I have been seeing for the past 5 months and I are going to break up. She says she is still hurt from her previous relationship and unable to move forward, I am tired of slamming my heart against the walls she has build around herself. From her perspective they are perfectly visible, from mine they are clear as glass until I hit them at full speed. I thought we were growing closer but I guess I was wrong. I am going to miss spending time with her, talking on the phone, and knowing (or at least thinking I knew) there was someone who cared about me in that special way of couples. I am not looking forward to diving back into online dating.

It has been just over 17 months since Christine died. In that time on the whole I have done fairly well. I have felt all the different things one feels, been crushed by the reality of the situation and have grown strong enough that most of the time the weight is bearable. However, doing some analysis of myself in the past month I have come to the realization that since she died I have had a very irrational feeling of abandonment. Which in turn has given me an interior landscape where I feel very insecure, which then informs my actions. I am tired of feeling this way and want to see a therapist or psychologist to work on these issues. Last year I tried GriefShare, it was not for me. I also did some group work at Gilda’s House which was fine but it is not what I am looking for now. My question is how do I go about finding a therapist? Where do I start? What should I look for?

I can remember two good dreams about Christine and one bad in the last 17 months. The good dreams were hard because when I woke up, for a few seconds I forgot she had died. Then the truth hit me all over again. It was a difficult way to start the day. The bad dream was more recent. It happened after I started dating. It was Christine not meeting my eyes and turning away from me with a disappointed look on her face. To my waking mind this is just a manifestation of the irrational guilt I felt/feel for being intimate with someone who is not her. I know Christine would not be upset at me dating, in fact she would encourage it. But that dream still hurts. Even with the hurt, I wish i dreamed about her more often.

Jason Isbell "If We Were Vampires" It's knowing that this can't go on forever Likely one of us will have to spend some days alone Maybe we'll get forty years together But one day I'll be gone Or one day you'll be gone

Thanks everyone for your responses. It always help to know that I am not alone in feeling these feelings. I like this sentence and the sentiment. I am going to use it.

Does anyone else listen to old voice mails from their dead spouse? I have about 20 voice mails from Christine still in my phone. Her name was taken off the phone number a long time ago so it is just the listed number. All of them are short and pretty ordinary. They are about scheduling issues and touching base during the day to figure out when we will both be back for the evening. One is about taking her mother to the doctor. Another about her going to be late home because she is meeting her best friend for a bike ride. My favorite is her calling me from the second floor of the house when I was on the first floor asking me to bring her the drill. In all of them she starts with the opening line “Hey Hon” and they all end with “See you soon” I never noticed those stock phrases she used until she was gone. I don’t listen to them often, because they are always bittersweet, and they get the tears flowing. But last night a dreamed about her and this morning at the office I was missing her so I listened to several and had to spend some time in a private office putting myself back together. These voice mails, and her photographs seem like both blessings and curses somedays. A reminder of a life that was and now is not.

Created another reminder for myself today. One of my late wife's favorite possessions was her wedding ring. She found an artisan at a street fair in Santa Barbara when we drove there for a friends wedding and ordered a white gold ring carved with a floral pattern lattice work. I have been looking at that ring for the last 16 months thinking about having it and my ring made into one. Today at 10 in the morning I went to a local jeweler and asked him to cut her ring open, lay it over the top of mine and join them together. He said it would take about two weeks and asked if I needed it ready before an anniversary. I explained that it was my late wife's and my wedding rings. This afternoon at 4 he called back and said it was ready. He and his father put this project at the front of their to do list because they were touched by the idea. So tonight while I am writing this I am wearing our rings. I don't think I will wear it all the time. But it is nice to have and I know someday I will pass on this combined symbol of our union to one of my sons.

Just this week I have felt this way several times. I wish I was still us and not just me.

I have a quilt and a pillow that my mother made out of my fathers flannel shirts. We set aside a number of my wife's shirts to be made into quilts for my sons in a few years when the pain is not so great.

I have decided to move sometime after the summer and before the following spring. Which means I need to actively start purging. Yesterday I started going through the memory boxes, as they fill up a closet AND a large antique chest it is going to take a while. The first "official" box was labeled "1987". Which was several years before I met her. There was also an accordion file filled with stuff from even earlier. So I started on those two things. I sorted out photos of people I know. Her family and friends might like those photos of themselves from so long ago. She really packed a lot into these boxes. It looks like she saved all of the stuff she hung up in her high school locker in here as well. Pictures of James Dean and male Calvin Kline underwear models, letters from old boyfriends and pen pals from Germany, a little mylar ballon with a four leaf clover and the slogan "Get Lucky". It was bittersweet to see a part of her past that was packed away when she was younger than my sons are now, and so full of life and promise. Skipped over to 1992, the year we got married. A lot more got saved out of this box. Sorted the photos. Set most aside but threw away those that were poorly shot and have no context. Threw away all of the congratulations on your marriage card as well as the RSVP responses and the copious notes on wedding planning. It was interesting to see her calendar for the month of out wedding, it was packed with meetings and fittings and salon visits. As a 23 year old guy, I was clueless back then about all the details that lead up to that day, I had a tux, and I had to be at the church at a certain time, my job was done. Finally I contacted an Angel Gowns of Michigan. This week I will ship her wedding dress to them to become burial clothing for infants. Between the births of our two sons we had three miscarriages. I know it would be something she would like done with that dress if she had known about it. It is a small thing but I picture this bit of cloth binding them together in some way and her holding these infants in heaven. Ended the day by driving to Lake Michigan and watching the waves roll into shore. Needed that break watching something so vast and majestic helps. So two boxes down only 28+ to go.

I agree with Portside. When we first got married my late wife insisted we have life insurance for both of us. We got insurance that covered us until our youngest son turned 18. She died 3 months before his 18th birthday. That money, which I only have because she was wiser than I am, has allowed me to pay off the house, fund my sons collage educations, and focus on healing without having to worry about how the bills would be paid. Most of my close friends are younger than I am with young children and I have repeatedly told them how important it is for both parents to have coverage when your children are young. As an aside. Vivaldi's Four Seasons by a string quartet was the song she chose for our wedding. While I was in the bank cashing the insurance check and paying off my home and car loans, Four Seasons started playing over the bank speakers. It was as if she was saying "See I will always take care of you. I love you. Goodbye." The poor bank employee had to deal with me breaking down and crying for a while before we could proceed.

Today I posted my late wife's favorite bicycle to Facebook marketplace. It was not fun but I keep remembering that it is just a thing. She no longer cares about it. And I still have my memories of us riding together. Purging. The gift that keeps on giving.

Who doesn't have baggage at this point in their life? I have seen so many good qualities in her that I am willing to give her time to work through the issues she is having now. And she is working through them. I have seen that and I have seen much forward progress in our relationship. And I appreciate that she is honest and open with me regarding her struggles, I much prefer that to not knowing and being blindsided further down the road.

The thing is, she did not have to tell me he had just called. She left the room to get her phone thinking it was her sister. When she came back just a few seconds later she could have easily told me anything but "it was my ex boyfriend" but she did. She has always been open and honest with me about what she is feeling and where she is at which is something I appreciate. Honesty builds trust which is one of the fundamental things I look for in a partner. She called after work today and we talked by phone for about an hour. She mentioned he called back last night after I left and they talked for a few minutes. She said it was awkward and uncomfortable. Again she could have told me nothing about it. Anyway we have a date on Saturday which might be the last time I can see her for a few weeks. She has her kids the next week and we have yet to introduce each other to our children. The week after that she and her kids are visiting her sister. So if nothing else that will give us time to think.

Thank you for your feedback. You might be right. I am pretty sure she is not playing me, I might be wrong. I am going to give it more time if I get hurt that is not the end of the world. And if I am right and there really is something growing between us that is a prize worth the risk.

I think it might be time to start posting here instead of in the online dating thread. No longer online dating, I am only seeing A. Hopefully I never have to return to that previous thread to post about any awful meet and greets or first dates ever again. But who knows how the future is going to unfold. Here is my latest stream of consciousness ramble. I should probably have started a journal or something but I doubt that will ever happen. You can not pass a journal round and get feedback from a bunch of people who understand like you can here on the boards After last weekends very wonderful day together we have had several deep phone conversations and text threads. I have made it very clear what I want. She was apologetic for being in her words “a bit of an enigma”. I agreed that she has been but let her know that I think she is worth investing my time in while she sorts herself out. I did mention that her enigma-ness has caused me to have a bit of an rollercoaster emotional journey. And I have noticed since I told her that that she has made a concerted effort to let me know how much she appreciates that I am in her life. Which in turn has made me feel better. So that is good. Last night we planned on getting together for the evening, just a low key meal and a walk if the weather was not that cold. I drove down. She had had a very difficult day at work and with her teenage daughter who has some issues with depression and is struggling behaviourally. So A. was quite tired and stressed. We talked and had dinner. I told her that there was no pressure to get away this weekend, I just needed to know one way or the other so I could buy some tickets for a show before it got sold out. She really wanted to go but is worried about going out of town when her daughter is struggling. And knowing what her daughter is going through and the lack of support her daughter receives from A.'s ex it is a legitimate concern. So we are pushing that weekend trip back. I am thinking we will get together this weekend at her place or mine. We had a nice dinner and were talking on the couch when her phone rang in the other room, she thought it might be her sister. She went to check and came back in just a few seconds looking shocked, I thought someone had been hurt. It had been her ex-boyfriend, the one she thought she had blocked. She did not answer. They had had a very bad breakup. She broke down in tears. I held her, she cried, we talked. She shared how hurt she has been by men she has loved and trusted and how hard it is to let go and trust again. I shared some of my struggles with going on after Christine died, I cried, she comforted me. It was not a fun date. But it was a chance to get closer to each other and make a deeper connection. New relationship stuff is hard.

Keep writing. I like reading your blog posts. I am glad you were able to spend a day with good memories and sorry you have to do so. Matthew