Leadfeather

Went to the family Christmas party with at my father-in-laws. Second Christmas without her, but the first one really didn't count as we were still in shock. Stayed for a few hours, it was good that I went but everyone was very subdued. Left early and spent an extra hour on the stationary bike exercising away my feelings. Considering just calling it a night now and going to bed early.

On Joy and Sorrow Kahlil Gibran Then a woman said, "Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow." And he answered: Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives? When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater." But I say unto you, they are inseparable. Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed. Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy. Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced. When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

I am so sorry for your loss. C.S. Lewis "A Grief Observed" The first three paragraphs of that book so perfectly described how I felt in the early days after finding my wife collapsed in the front yard as the sun set. https://www.amazon.com/Grief-Observed-C-S-Lewis/dp/0060652381

I have not experienced that but my advice is to contact her again. The worse that happens is you apologize, it does not work out, and you both move forward. The best that happens is the two of you build a relationship that lasts. Either way you are better off than you are at this point.

Found this a few days ago but I can not remember where. It might have been on this forum actually. ‘Tis a Fearful Thing ‘Tis a fearful thing to love what death can touch. A fearful thing to love, to hope, to dream, to be – to be, And oh, to lose. A thing for fools, this, And a holy thing, a holy thing to love. For your life has lived in me, your laugh once lifted me, your word was gift to me. To remember this brings painful joy. ‘Tis a human thing, love, a holy thing, to love what death has touched. ~ Yehuda Halevi (1075-1141)

Yes. I also was with my wife for 27 years, she died just over a year ago. There are still times that the silence of the house fills my spirit with her absence. In fact I wrote about it in a Facebook post to friends just yesterday, "Working from home today and i am taking lunch in the living room looking at the shelves Christine built. On those shelves are the sculptures she carved, her favorite childhood books, stones we gathered from across the United States, pictures we took, and her ashes. On the mantle, which she also built, is a pot she threw, driftwood she gathered and more stones. The walls were painted by her. The floor was refinished by her. There is not an inch of this house that she had not touched. The snow is falling silently outside in the yard where she used to lay in the summer sun. She is missed." Know that others understand.

I went back after a week. I needed the structure of getting up in the morning and going somewhere. Not that I was productive at work. I spent 25% of each day in a private meeting room crying. It took months before I was at a point where I was even working at 50% of what I used to be able to do. Fortunately, I was blessed to be working at a very supportive company filled with compassionate coworkers.

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. Accept the emotions as they come. Be kind to yourself. Know that time is your friend.

I had not seen this before. It was a Godsend to read this today on the first anniversary of my wife's death.

That sounds like a great idea RyanAmysMom. I hope it helps you find peace. I don't mean to imply that I do not miss Christine. I miss her everyday. I just know that if she could tell me what she wants for me it would be for me to build a good, new, life from the ashes of the old. So in some ways moving forward and making a new life is my way to honor her memory.

Thank you Missing AC, it is strange that is seems so long ago and yesterday at the same time.

I really don't have a lot to say. Just wanted to acknowledge this somewhere publicly. This Thanksgiving was the last of the holidays where she was alive the last time we celebrated it. She died unexpectedly on Sunday the 27th of November last year, three days after Thanksgiving. The 27th this year falls on a Monday, but that does not seem like the anniversary of her death to me. The anniversary for me will always be the Sunday after Thanksgiving, regardless of the actual date that Sunday falls on. I am doing well, the boys are doing well. I miss her. The missing has become something that no longer debilitates me. I can face my grief, even embrace it, and move forward.

Spent a few hours tonight walking along the river downtown listening to music from our past and remembering all of the good times. Started to get maudlin then received a call from the lady I meet this past week. Spent an hour talking to her and I realized my LW would be happy for me. Waiting now at a bar to meet my kids for dinner. So I guess my good thing today is, I have been loved. I am loved. And I will be loved.

Mine would be a graphic image. Two trees their trunks interwoven and grown together. One with green leaves. One with bare branches.

Funnily enough a few hours after writing this starting post I got a text from my cousin-in-law. She and her husband are in town along with their kids and her mother. I have known her since she was in middle school, now she has a kid in college. I have not seen them since my wife's funeral last year. Ended up going out for drinks tonight, caught up with her and her family. It was very nice.

I think that’s the part that is getting me, how strange and surreal it all seems. And I suppose overtime it will become the new normal.

I have a good relationship with my wife's family. They have been very supportive of me and my sons. And my mother-in-law came out and told me months ago that she fully supports me dating or not dating. I am finding it strange to refer to them as Sister-in-law, Mother-in-law etc when I am talking about them to coworkers or when expecially I am on a date and the topic arrises. for example "What are you doing for Thanksgiving?" "I am spending it at my Mother-in-laws house." just sounds weird when I am out to dinner with a woman I hope to date. Does anyone have a different way to refer to their ln-laws? As an aside. My inlaws were divorced many years ago and her father remarried. Her mother and step mother get along quite well so for years at family gatherings I have already had two mother-in-laws. If I ever do get remarried I might wind up with three. I think that might be a bit excessive. . .

My younger son Andrew is home from college. Last night Andrew, Christopher and I were playing a new board game, listening to "classic" 90s rock, and all laughing. Andrew just came out and commented on how happy he was feeling. Which is such a blessing considering less than a year ago I was concerned he would not be able to graduate at all because of how hard grief was making it for him to finish up his last semester of high school.

i am from the northern states, but the company I work for is based down south. I think we should all adopt the word Y'all as it clears up this little issue with the English language. Oh and if it matters I am in full agreement with the advice given here. It is y'all's (am I spelling that correctly?) day do what is right for you and let the chips fall where they may.

I find myself analyzing also. I think it is because when I last dated I was 21. I had no idea what a good relationship was back then and I lived in the moment so there was no need to analyze. Fortunately, I got lucky and fell in love with a wonderful person. Now I am just a few weeks short of 49. I know what a good relationship is and the level of commitment a person needs to make a good relationship after the honeymoon period. I also have children, albeit adult children and the woman I form a relationship with will most likely have children as well. Which means it is more than just my and her heart involved in the equation. So I analyze the dates I have to see if they have the criteria I know are necessary to for a lasting relationship because I don't want to depend on luck alone.

It does not seem strange to me at all. My personal favorite at this moment in time is It is not overtly religious but it speaks to me about community and death.

I am a few weeks short of my first year as a widower and I have no idea what direction my life will take or if I will backslide, but at this moment I feel at peace. After the first month of numb disbelief I knew I needed to make a choice on how I was going to react to the death of my wife. I chose to be thankful for the years we had. To open every morning prayer with the words. "Thank you God, for the 27 years C. was in my life, and thank you for the sons she gave to me, and thank you for the example she set for all of us." It took most of the year to say those few words without tears, and without feeling an aching chasm deep within my core. But I do think that approaching her death with gratitude that she was in my life if only for a while instead of anger that she is gone has helped me move forward and heal.

I am right there with you. I have dated one woman in my life. One. I got lucky and it was a good one. Now at 48 I need to learn how to do dating. One thing I have learned to do very quickly is recalibrate my expectations, after 27 years with the same woman all of my signal processing was still stuck on married mode. After a few missteps I now approach a first date, meet and greet, whatever you call it knowing I am not looking for the second love of my life, I am looking to have an enjoyable hour (in public get your mind out of the gutter ) with an attractive woman. If something else develops from there great, if not, also great because I still had an enjoyable hour with another person and am one "miss wrong" closer to finding "miss right".

1. My youngest son will be coming home from college Friday night, and will stay through Thanksgiving. 2. This month as I near the first anniversary of her death I have been able to remember my wife with bittersweet joy and not crushing grief. 3. I have an adventure in Death Valley to look forward to.

Alternate Fridays I give in to my inner geek and drive an hour to play Dungeons and Dragons with a group of friends one city over. It is like reliving middle school all over again.