Leadfeather

I am so sorry for your loss. It might be hard to grasp but over time it will get better, not because you miss them less but because you will get stronger and more able to cope with the feelings of loss. Remember, he loved you and he wants you to thrive in the life you have yet to live. It will take time and you will have to do a lot of grieving and growing but you will make it through this.

hugs.

This weekend and today have been emotionally difficult for a number of reasons. One of them being I hate the ambiguity in the relationship I have with A. I had decided to ask her what her intentions are regarding us and had hoped to ask in person this weekend. I am not a conflict/confrontational guy which is something I have been working on. I’m trying to be very upfront about what I want and at this point I want to know if she sees me as someone she could build a relationship with even if we are not there yet. So this is a big deal for me. Unfortunately, Issues with her teenage daughter took all of her time this weekend and emotionally drained her. So we did not have a chance to talk even by phone only texting which was less than satisfying and is not the medium I would choose to ask this question. I plan on calling her tonight and asking. I’m at a point where I either want to know we’re both working towards the same goal or go look for someone else. And the whole thing sucks because I think I’m still calibrated from 25 years of marriage to be in a deep meaningful relationship and not just dating for fun.

Thank you Bunny, that poem lead to this post on facebook today. Forgive this post, it is going to ramble, perhaps be a little incoherent, and talk about the death of Christine. It has a non-neglible chance of being misinterpreted. I do not normally articulate what I am thinking in depth, but I feel like trying today. So friends, family and coworkers (yikes) here you go. This February is the second time our wedding anniversary and her birthday arrive without her. Because of this, and because in the fourteen months since I found Christine dead, the black hole that howls in my chest and eats joy has begun scarring over, I am starting to examine who I now am and what I now want in a life where she is absent. We thought we knew where our lives were going. The boys were poised to leave the house and we would travel more. She would continue to paint part time I would continue to work. We would worry about finances and how we could pay for college. We would watch our sons graduate. We would watch them get married. We would meet our grandchildren. We would grow old together. Much of this has not happened and now never will, and those things that have happened or will yet happen I will have to experience without her. Knowing that Christine is in a place of perfect joy mitigates my sorrow in some slight way but not completely. But recently, in part thanks to a poem quoted above, I have realized that I have been given a gift. It is a dark and horrible gift but it is still a gift. I was living a life where I did not have to examine who I was or what I wanted, or what I did in this world because I was happy and content. Christine’s death has forced me to examine myself and my life and make conscious choices about what I want rather than just drift. Some wisdom written by a fellow widower comes to mind “You know how you survive losing your partner? You don’t. You have to let go of who you were, of who you were going to become. You will always hold onto the love, but you have to let go of almost everything else.” The sorrow, the grief, and the need to let go of who you were and rebuild yourself is the gift. It is a chance to become more than you were. It is God testing and refining you in the crucible. "For you, God, tested us; you refined us like silver." -Psalm 66:10 You do not have to wait for a tragedy to happen to learn this. At any time you can stop, examine you life, and chose to change its direction. So examine your life today, find a small thing you do not like and work towards changing it. Tomorrow chose another small thing and change it. Change, by change, brick by brick, build a new life for yourself one that brings you and the people around you, and the people around them joy and peace.

I am listening to "12 Rules for Life" audio book by Jordan Peterson and he had a thought in there that I think has bearing on your problem. It goes. "What would be truly good for you, this is not what you want, it is also not what would make you happy. Every time you give a child something sweet you make that child happy that does not mean you should do nothing for children except feed them candy. Happy is by no means synonymous with good." This thought it about how to be take care of yourself, but it can easily be applied to your sons. "What would be truly good for them, this is not what they want, it is also not what would make them happy. . . happy is by not means synonymous with good." Your job as a parent is to do what is good for your sons, not what will make them happy.

On slightly more lighthearted note. Scheduling times to see each other with two busy schedules. Arrg!

That poem is beautiful and going into my list. My dog is also getting older, I remember when Christine and I first got him from the humane society, it seems like it happened just the other day.

I typically do not give parenting advice but you asked so i am going to be as honest as i can. I have two sons, 22 and 18. The oldest is living at home as he finishes up college here in town and expects to move out at the end of the summer, the youngest is away at college. My wife and I had a policy in our house. One she originally espoused. When you turn 18 you are either in college or working. If you are working and you still live at home you are paying rent. My advice, is have your oldest pay rent or move out. He is twenty-three and he needs to become a responsible adult member of society. He needs to respect you, your needs, and the sacrifices you have made raising him. In the long run you are doing him no favors letting him delay growing up.

“Pain can become a treasure if we treasure it to the point it becomes compassion and healing not just for ourselves but also for other people.” My favorite theologian.

This is something that bothered me a lot for a while. I struggled to remember all the special things between us. Because forgetting would be doing a disservice to her. I finally realized memory is for the living. Depending on what someone’s belief is about what happens after death Chris is either living in perfect joy or no longer exists. Either way she is beyond caring about what I remember or forget. It is enough to know we loved when it was possible to love and that I made her happy while she was here.

I am so sorry for you loss. Words seem like poor tools to express the emotion of losing a spouse but there are people here who understand. Take each moment as it comes and know you will get stronger and you ability to cope will grow over time.

Update. This past week we have been communicating quite a lot via text and phone calls. Yesterday we met for a late lunch and spent a good amount of time together. It felt very comfortable and I think we both enjoyed it. At the end of the evening I asked her when I could see her again, with schedules it was difficult to figure out, so I reworded my question and asked "Would you like to see me again" and that got a yes. Which is really the confirmation i was looking for. As an aside, I have been spending a lot of time examining me and I think I need to work on my expectations while dating. Coming out of a very loving and healthy marriage it is difficult to go back to square one with a new person and not long for that deeper connection that only grows over time. So, I am going to try and slow down and enjoy each moment as it comes and try not to worry to much about what comes next.

Keep doing what you know you are supposed to do, it doesn't make you feel better until it does. You are not a failure you have successfully endured day after day of one of the worst things that can happen to someone. My wife's death was like a massive arctic storm that descended on the landscape of my life covering everything with a sadness so deep it made all of life cold and bleak. After 14 months I am just beginning to see small shoots of joy poke out of the soil as the winter of grief gives way to spring. But I still feel the cold of winter pouring down from the ice covered peaks.

I am so sorry. Praying for you and your family. Matthew

Cold Is The Night by The Oh Hellos.

I will be heading on a trip at the end of February. I would like to take a small amount of my wife's ashes with me to spread while I am on the trip. Any suggestions of the best way to do so without running into trouble at the airport?

This weekend I spent time purging books from my shelves. Many of them were Christine’s and covered topics she was passionate about. Interior design, genealogy, painting. In a small way handling and giving away those books felt like saying goodbye again. This morning I found a poem that feels the same. Let Evening Come Let the light of late afternoon shine through chinks in the barn, moving up the bales as the sun moves down. Let the cricket take up chafing as a woman takes up her needles and her yarn. Let evening come. Let dew collect on the hoe abandoned in long grass. Let the stars appear and the moon disclose her silver horn. Let the fox go back to its sandy den. Let the wind die down. Let the shed go black inside. Let evening come. To the bottle in the ditch, to the scoop in the oats, to air in the lung let evening come. Let it come, as it will, and don’t be afraid. God does not leave us comfortless, so let evening come. Jane Kenyon

I find posts like this very helpful. Thank you.

Kahlil Gibran on Love When love beckons to you, follow him, Though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you yield to him, Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you believe in him, Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden. For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning. Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth. Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself. He threshes you to make you naked. He sifts you to free you from your husks. He grinds you to whiteness. He kneads you until you are pliant; And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast. All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart. But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure, Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor, Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears. Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself. Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; For love is sufficient unto love. When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God." And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself. But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires: To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To know the pain of too much tenderness. To be wounded by your own understanding of love; And to bleed willingly and joyfully. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving; To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy; To return home at eventide with gratitude; And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

We communicated a bit more last night. The feeling I get is this is not a brush off, I think she honestly needs some time to deal with some major issues. I have left the door open for us to see each other again as I believe she is worth the effort. Thank you everyone for the advice.

One of my dates turned into a 2 month thing. She has been going through some issues at work and with her kids that have added a lot of stress to her life. Even through all that I found I really liked her and enjoyed spending time with her. And from what I can tell, she enjoyed spending time with me. The last few days have been rather quiet on the texting and phone call front. This afternoon my text asking if she would be interested in getting together some time this weekend was met with "I am not sure yet, I am re-evaluating dating" It is disappointing.

Yes it is. https://www.adventurecycling.org/guided-tours/van-supported-tours/2018-death-valley-i-van/

Thank you all for the advice. I went with a Travel Agent, painless and cheap. All set up for my Death Valley bike tour.

I have never purchased airline tickets. My wife always did all of the trip planning. What is the best way to purchase tickets?

I recently purchased the collected works of Kahlil Gibran. I was reading it this morning (instead of going to church) and came across this poem. A Tear and a Smile I would not exchange the sorrows of my heart For the joys of the multitude. And I would not have the tears that sadness makes To flow from my every part turn into laughter. I would that my life remain a tear and a smile. A tear to purify my heart and give me understanding Of life's secrets and hidden things. A smile to draw me nigh to the sons of my kind and To be a symbol of my glorification of the gods. A tear to unite me with those of broken heart; A smile to be a sign of my joy in existence. I would rather that I died in yearning and longing than that I live Weary and despairing. I want the hunger for love and beauty to be in the Depths of my spirit,for I have seen those who are Satisfied the most wretched of people. I have heard the sigh of those in yearning and Longing, and it is sweeter than the sweetest melody. With evening's coming the flower folds her petals And sleeps, embracing her longing. At morning's approach she opens her lips to meet The sun's kiss. The life of a flower is longing and fulfilment. A tear and a smile. The waters of the sea become vapor and rise and come Together and are a cloud. And the cloud floats above the hills and valleys Until it meets the gentle breeze, then falls weeping To the fields and joins with brooks and rivers to Return to the sea, its home. The life of clouds is a parting and a meeting. A tear and a smile. And so does the spirit become separated from The greater spirit to move in the world of matter And pass as a cloud over the mountain of sorrow And the plains of joy to meet the breeze of death And return whence it came. To the ocean of Love and Beauty----to God.