Wheelerswife

Great to see you, Grace! Congratulations! Maureen

The pain can be so intense in the early days. It can feel unbearable. One thing I know is that I have survived every single day since I was first widowed 9 1/2 years ago. I remember saying that I wanted to just lay down on my side of our burial plot and fall asleep and not wake up. That way, all that people would need to do is dig a hole and roll me in. I was also a long term caregiver. For me, I had to have something to focus on to keep moving forward. Work and returning to college were some of my vehicles for moving through each day. I also connected with other widowed folks and developed friendships that have persisted for over 9 years. You can can do this. We have all survived this nightmare. Hugs, Maureen

Five years ago today, my second husband died unexpectedly in his sleep just 5 days shy of his 57th birthday. Sometimes, I cannot believe it has been 5 years. He was a beautiful man. I told him he was beautiful even before I met him, as we had “met” in a chatroom associated with the prior iteration of this website, and we took to the telephone to be able to converse more intensively. When I describe him to people who never met him, I have a list of adjectives, yet I never seem to be able to fully describe this accomplished, yet humble teacher, mentor, and scientist, as well as my husband, friend and lover. We met at just 6 and 2 months after having been widowed, and against the odds at that point, we quickly fell in love and decided to embark on life together. We lived 1600 miles apart, and within 6 months, I had quit my job, sold my house, and moved to be with him. We married a year after our first conversation. We carried our prior loves and our grief with us as we built a new life together. I decided to leave my career and go back to school. He continued to teach at the university where he was chair of his department. We traveled extensively. We loved being together and we spent 2-3 hours a day in conversation when we were at home…and many more hours when we were traveling. We had grand plans for our future, including taking a semester to travel in Europe on his upcoming sabbatical. I don’t know how we could have been happier. And then he died. He died! How could this happen to me again? And so soon? We had not even had 4 full years together! On some level, I am still angry at the universe about this today. I have spent the last 5 years recovering from the shock of losing him and all of the fallout from that loss. It didn’t help that I developed medical problems within 2 weeks of his death that led to surgery and a diagnosis of a rare and aggressive cancer. I have had some unusual luck there…in that the cancer…which by statistics should have killed me…has not recurred, even though I refused chemotherapy. In the last 5 years, I completed 2 more degrees, moved back near where I have spent most of my life, and I have finally launched my new career. So…there has been some progress. Am I happy? No…not yet. Am I less unhappy? Well, yes. My thoughts today…besides missing my husband…are about grieving the loss of who I was with him. I wish I could retrieve the confidence and competence I had when I was with him. I wish I could shed the PTSD-like anxiety that has been my constant companion since he died. It has improved significantly, but it was not a part of my life before and it impacts so much in my life and I resent having anxiety. The last year has certainly brought me progress, and I feel much more ready to perhaps meet someone new. My angst is not usually as high on normal days, although the recent holidays certainly drove home just how alone I feel. Although I am fortunate to have wonderful friends and extended family at some distance, I have lived my adult life in a family/partnership of 2…and 1 can be a very lonely number. Tomorrow, I hope to focus more on hope for the future. I will check my online dating website and connect with friends to get out of the house. I know that life is for living…and I want a full life and happiness for myself. So…I will persist, and I hope that next year’s memorial post will have a more cheerful tone. Hugs, Maureen

Welcome back, Mark. We have missed you at bagos. Maureen

No, you aren’t crazy! It can be incredibly hard to fill time that feels so empty without a beloved spouse. Nothing feels normal. Some people binge watch movies. Some just sit paralyzed. Others find exercise, shopping, reading, painting... or just plain nothing. If it helps you and isn’t destructive, go for it! Maureen

Hi, Kater! Thanks for for sharing your story about Stoni and NG! My second husband John was widowed and understood these things so well, and it is good to see how your new love can reach out to you when you are remembering Stoni. I will keep you in my heart over the next couple of days. Hugs, Maureen

Hello, my fellow wid sisters and brothers. I'm sitting at my parents' home, being a dutiful daughter. My parents are 92 and 82, and I can't in good conscience leave them to celebrate the holiday without at least one of their scattered offspring with them. This is the 10th Christmas season without my first husband and the 5th without my second husband. 5 years ago on Christmas Eve, I was driving from Kansas to Wisconsin with my second husband, on our way to visit his elderly mother and some good friends. We talked for the entire drive - 13 hours - about our future, and in particular, planning the semester-long sabbatical he was scheduled to take in another year. It was a great conversation - full of anticipation and excitement for the months that we would spend in Europe. The only glitch in this picture is that he died unexpectedly in his sleep just 15 days later. Holidays have been hard ever since. My family truly doesn't understand what it is like to lose the love of your life...much less having lost a second great love. It was hard to lose my first husband, but I was fortunate to meet a beautiful man - also widowed - and we embraced life fully and found wonderful love with each other. My life was turned upside down with the shock of losing my second husband...including being diagnosed with a rare and aggressive cancer just 6 weeks later. It has taken me quite some time to feel like I have my feet underneath me. I am in a much better place...and the last year has allowed me some rebuilding that eluded me the year before. But...holidays are still hard. People ask me now if I am happy. I'm less unhappy. Perhaps that is the best answer I can give people. I'm working on myself...getting healthier on several levels, connecting with friends, trying to acclimate to a new career and job, and marking the passage of time. In a way, that is what holidays are for me now - measuring the years as they go by. I'm fortunate to have good friends, particularly widow friends I have met through this board and its predecessor. I spent the first Christmas after losing my first husband in the chat room associated with he old website. For those of you who are freshly widowed...reach out to people here. It has been kind of quiet on this board, but don't let that deter you. The people who will understand you best are those feeling a similar kind of pain. You can "meet" people virtually here and become true friends...and if you are a traveler like me, you can meet them in real life. I have friends from this board (and its predecessor) who are now my truest friends. I'm not going to tell you to suck it up and put a smile on your face this Christmas. I'm going to tell you to do what you want, go where you want, leave when you want, and always park your car where you won't be blocked in...because it is your right to make your own decisions about joining in the festivities...or not. My folks will be home from church soon, so I will close. Just so you know...Puffs makes a tissue with lotion...it is much easier on sore eyes and noses for those who are filled with tears tonight. Hugs, Maureen

Wonderful, Matthew! I hope to someday find the right man for my Chapter 3. Chapters 1and 2 were wonderful, and I don’t want to settle for anything less than that! Maureen

We will miss you, Marie!!

Hi, Judy. Thank you you for your beautiful posts and your essay. My heart goes out to you today. I also miss the incredible library of wisdom that was lost when YWBB shut down. I used to read for hours in my early weeks and months. I’m now facing my 10th “everything” without my first husband. I just passed the 10th birthday that he missed, the 10th Thanksgiving that we didn’t host.... I am also coming up on the 5th anniversary of my second husband’s death. I also met him on YWBB. Our relationship was so full of life and passion for living, especially after having been widowed ourselves. His life and his death have had such an impact on my life, but losing him crushed me even more. I fight to keep living and finding purpose. I’m getting there...at whatever pace happens. Persist. Remember. Miss them. But...we have this life in front of us and, for me, at least, I have a drive not to be miserable, so I will continue to persist (often with the support of people I have met along the widow road.) I wish you the best... Maureen

Awesome, Loves2fish! Nice reminder to anyone else in New England....we would love to have you for a relaxing afternoon with people who have walked in similar shoes. PM me for my address and phone number.

Hi, Kate. Our old board, YWBB, shut down in the spring of 2015. Some resourceful people started this board immediately so that people would have a supportive home. I was 47 when I joined this club. The old board sustained me in my dark hours. I connected with a widower on that board and we married a year later. Sadly, my second husband died less than 4 years later. I have had continued support from people I have known on the old board and this one as well. I’m sorry your friend has had to join our club, too. I hope she can find connections with others who have experienced a similar loss. Hugs, Maureen

Hi, hopon. My heart goes out to you! My first husband died 9 years ago and my second husband died almost 5 years ago. I was diagnosed with cancer just after the death of my second husband. It is difficult to face this on your own. I hope you find comfort in your husband’s pajamas. My husband didn’t have any 😏 but I did sleep with his pillow. Maureen

It is time for another bago. After talking with some of our members, we have decided to schedule a get-together at my home on the Connecticut/Massachusetts border (just south of Springfield, MA) on Saturday, December 8th. We are hoping that the location will allow some folks a few hours north of us can make it as well. The location might make it harder on people further south...but this time the compromise is toward the north. People can arrive any time after noon. We will stay with our tradition for pot luck. Bring something to share...if we all bring chocolate, we will feast on chocolate. You should know that we already have a chocolatier in the group...so perhaps something other than chocolate would be good! We are always open to new people. Please feel free to PM me for more information. Why attend a bago? You will meet people who understand what you have or are experiencing. You can feel free to share as much or as little of your story as you want. You can laugh and cry and nobody will think anything of it. You can make new friends. And you can eat. I hope to see you all! Maureen

I met my second husband when I was 6 months out. He was only 2 months out. We married a year later. Our relationship was wonderful. Unfortunately, he died just under 4 years after we met. It has been almost 5 years since he died and I am just now looking into dating again. Readiness depends on on many factors. Meet, talk, see where things go! Best wishes! Maureen

Hi, Mark, Long time no see. I still get mail addressed to my second husband. He also died in 2014. I have a credit card that was once jointly owned with my first husband. I don't know how many times I have let them know that the account should not contain his name...yet today, I get an email for him on his birthday month...on MY email account. UGH. He has been gone 9 years. I hope you make the next bago...we can lament this together. Maureen

I woke up this morning in a mini panic. I realize I was coming out of a dream where I was lost in a big and confusing hospital and I was trying to find my second husband. I had never been in a big hospital with him. I don’t know where this came from, but it was so unsettling! If I keep looking, can I just find him? Sigh. Maureen

Congratulations! I know how hard the job search can be. I hope you find satisfaction i your new position...once they make sure you aren't a criminal! Maureen

I have recently started looking at online dating. I met one man a couple of weeks ago. He was still married and living with his wife, although they had agreed that they didn’t want to be married anymore. Let’s just say he wasn’t very self-aware. He wasn’t available on so many levels. I nicely told him this...and through our conversation, I believe he came to understand. He needs friends and a lawyer, not a date! Maureen

It is all hard. Time does have a way with easing the intensity of pain. You will likely have waves when it feels harder and periods in between when you feel like you can get through this and keep going forward. In many ways, there really isn’t much choice. Life goes on and somehow, we have to find what it takes to get on the train and get carried along until we find enough reserves of our own to make our own path. Hugs to you, Maureen

I think that a lot of us are hoping to find someone new. Others feel as though they don't want someone new in their lives. I have just recently dipped my toe in the pool of online dating. The first guy I met was still married...and still living with his wife. Thanks for the transparency....NOT!

Love every bit of this, Rob! Maureen

Hi, KK, I can relate to much of what you are saying. I feel like the effort to keep living is sometimes overwhelming. I have friends, I get together with family, I keep going...but I just miss the sense that I had this one person in my life that loved me unconditionally and wanted to share his life with me. It was hard losing my first husband. It was harder losing my second husband. I miss that life and our dreams and I don't really want to have to rebuild again. But...I will. I hate being unhappy. Hugs, Maureen

Hi, Julia, It isn't going to get easier for awhile. But talk to him...channel his memory to yourself. If it comforts you to imagine the conversation you might have with him...then talk all you want. Just 10 days or so ago, I pulled up a chair at the cemetery where I buried my first husband 9 years ago and I talked as if he could hear me. 9 years...a couple of lifetimes, really...and I just wanted to talk to him. I think he listened, because I left feeling less sad and less burdened. Does it matter if this makes sense to anyone else? Nope. It helped me...and that is what matters. Hugs, Maureen

Hi, Julia, I'm so sorry for your loss and the circumstances you are facing with your husband's father and lawyers. Last I knew, the spouse of a 50 -year old was the closest next-of-kin! One really wonders about people's motives. I hope that you will be able to move forward with the cremation that is weighing on your heart and mind. This is all harder than many people realize. You are also coping with the death of your MIL...while not the same, it would certainly add another huge stressor. Sometimes, we feel like we have to take care of things. At other times, we feel like we aren't ready to cope. I know it took me a few years to finalize some details, particularly with the loss of my second husband. My heart goes out to you. I hope that you will be able to manage what has to be done in your own time. Hugs, Maureen