Wheelerswife

Hi, Leadfeather, I don't have voicemails, but I do have videos of my husband teaching. They bring me back into the room sometimes. Funny, but I see his quirks and mannerisms that were probably only endearing to me. His phone is turned off, and I just checked my old text messages...and they are no longer there. In a way, that is good, because my last text messages to him were me pleading with him to respond. He was already gone. That was a tough one. Today is the anniversary of the day we met. Sorry to hijack... Maureen

Hugs to you. It is hard knowing, but perhaps harder not knowing. Reality does set in and somehow, we do have to figure out how to live this changed life. One day at a time. Your life with your wife will always be a part of you, but it will not always define your life as it does now. Best wishes as you figure out where things go from here. Maureen

SS - again, I'm hearing your pain. My pain is different, but still significant. I'm 8 1/2 years out from losing my first husband and over 4 years out from losing my second husband. Losing my second husband really felt like the world was going to collapse on me. I assure you, it hasn't, although I truly wanted to give up at that point, especially with medical issues and a cancer diagnosis after he died. I also have another widow friend who married someone who ended up being abusive to her. She is out of that mess now. She made a brave decision to leave him, cut her losses and start over again. You can do this, too. It hasn't been easy for me or for my friend, and I'm going to project that this won't be easy for you, either. But you know what? We are stronger than we think and stronger than we want to have to be. You CAN do this. Just like when we were widowed, it is a matter of putting one foot in front of the other and plowing our way through what has to be done. Right now, that is all about moving, and getting this divorce settled, and getting yourself into a safe space physically and emotionally. Remember the basics. Drink water. Try to eat well and sleep. Get some exercise. (...says the pot calling the kettle black!) Post here and vent and do what it takes to get yourself through the tough times if that helps. Hang in there, Maureen

I agree, Serpico. It can happen. I have experienced the loss of my first husband, a quicker than average move into a really wonderful life again, then the loss of my second husband and a longer and more challenging trajectory into a life that feels more fulfilling. There are many ways of defining a fulfilling life and these will vary as much, perhaps, as we are all different from each other. For me right now, fulfillment is developing in terms of a career change and a move. I would like to find another life partner, too. Not everyone would want that in upcoming chapters in their lives. I know I have whined at times along my path and I think we should have that place to scream out what we feel when we are struggling and cannot see any light at the end of the tunnel we find ourselves sitting in. But I have also found that sitting in the dark never got me very far. Periodically, I had to make myself get up and move toward the end of the tunnel, even though it seemed light years away. Right now, you might just need to scream. I hope some time soon, you can find some energy to get up and take some steps toward the end of that dark tunnel. Hugs, Maureen

Hi, nat, I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear husband. It is so exhausting to sit vigil at the bedside of a spouse who is no longer able to respond. It was difficult for even the short time that my first husband was comatose before his death. I was conflicted about wanting the suffering to end for all involved. And then - he was dead - and I immediately could feel the absence. It takes time for everything to sink in - and we are left to figure out how to function. Routines are helpful and help pass the time. Tasks, errands, maintenance activities, rituals - they all help us to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Eventually, we get accustomed to a new way of life without our spouse. It is similar, yet different for each of us. Please be gentle with yourself. Enjoy what feels enjoyable. Cry when you need to cry. Get out when that feels good. Be a hermit at times if that helps. Reach out to others, read here, post when the desire hits you. We have been in similar shoes. We understand. Hugs, Maureen

Oh, Tammy! I am so sorry you lost your beloved husband - and so early in your life together. I imagine you are quite heartbroken! This is so unfair for you - and him! I see your tearful emoji - at this point crying is some of what we can't help but do. Remember to breathe and drink water and eat and sleep when you can. I hope you find some comfort in people here who have some understanding of such a great loss. Hugs to you, Maureen

I've watched this thread and decided I would put my $0.02 in on the subject. My second husband and I brought different financial resources to our marriage. We were both widowed and had no kids. I realize that kids add some different factors into the mix. My husband and I decided to combine resources, although he insisted that I keep my own savings. As far as he was concerned, what was mine was mine and what was his was mine, too! (Gee, can I find this again?) I did invest much of my savings in "his" house, but he put my name on the deed. We both had life insurance. Well, folks, then he died. Fortunately, I was left in a position where I could take the time to deal with serious medical issues and complete 2 more degrees and jump-start a new career. I wasn't working when he died, although I had worked full time for almost 3 decades and I had supported my first husband. We already know that life is unpredictable. Many among us have been left practically destitute after the loss of their spouse. As much as it isn't a pleasant thing to have to think about, it is important to make whatever arrangements possible to make sure we have at least the opportunity to support basic needs. I didn't expect to get cancer after my second husband died. I would not have been able to afford the medical care I needed if it were not for his life insurance. I was fortunate that resources were there. Best wishes to all of you who are contemplating these concerns. Maureen

Moving is more than just the physical aspects. Good for you on making changes. I think we get to the point where the status quo just isn't working well enough and we move something. After losing a spouse, we have to do this without our partners. Take care of yourself. Even positive change is stressful! Maureen

Good for you! Whoop whoop! Now - can you mow my snow? Maureen

I wanted to let you know that I read your post and heard your voice. My experiences are very different from yours, but I understand some of the not fitting anywhere feeling. I'm sorry you never got to get married and your sweetheart never got to know he was going to be a dad and your son never even got to meet his dad. The hard part of this is that in order to live our lives as fully and as fulfilling as we can, we have to be the ones who make steps into the circles that exist around us. This is hard a lot of the time, and we get to be the ones who feel uncomfortable and not understood. I recognize that sometimes, I have put this onto myself. The people around me are often quite willing to include me; it is me who feels different and out-of-place. Sigh. Hugs to you. Hang in there. I hope life becomes more comfortable for you and your son - and it would be better if it became genuinely satisfying. Maureen

Hi, Cyndi, I am so sorry you lost your beloved husband. You deserved a lifetime into old age with him. There aren't so many widows your age and I imagine you feel very much alone in this whole ordeal. I'm glad you found us. I'm on the older side here, but there are others who are much younger than me and I hope some will read your post and reach out to share their experiences. I lost my second husband very unexpectedly of heart issues and the shock of his death was tremendous for me. You are doing what I did - putting one foot in front of the other. There isn't much else we can do at first. We take things one day at a time and eventually, the weight of the loss feels less heavy. You will never forget the important things of your life with your husband. You will survive this and begin to live a life you never expected or wanted. Right now - life might seem to be all about loss. It will not always be this way, but your life with and the loss of your husband will always be a part of who you are. Hang in there. Write and vent and share your story and experiences. This website and its predecessor have been a critical part of my post-widowhood life. Hugs, Maureen

Hi, SS. I remember you from years back. I'm sorry you have found yourself with an abusive husband. It is hard to be mentally strong at a time like this, but you are doing what you need to do. You are not giving this man any more power over you. Your health situation certainly is scary. Perhaps you will start to see some improvement with the elimination of this man from your life. It is hard to give up your home and your hopes that you had when you were in love with this man. I have struggled with a second loss - not through divorce, but through widowhood again - combined with health issues. It has taken me quite some time to feel like I am pulling myself together again. We do it, though, the same way we did it when we were widowed the first time. Remember to breathe. Drink water. Try to eat as well as you can. And to quote Ann E - "Be gentle with yourself." Hugs, Maureen

I am so very sorry that you lost your beloved husband. I have been widowed twice and my experiences were very different. This experience is yours - similar to others, perhaps, but uniquely your own. Please do not fret about your reactions at this point. You love your husband and you will grieve in the way that you grieve. Hugs to you, Maureen

It is hard for me to believe that it has been six months since I wrote this post. My friend Fly has been gone that long. I wish he was here so that I could tell him that I finally found a job in my field. Part of me wishes he could have seen my perseverance. He certainly listened to me lamenting the challenges and failures along the way. He was willing to give me a job in one of his businesses, but I turned him down in order to focus on my own goals. He encouraged me to be open to possibilities that might be outside my immediate vision for myself. I find myself listening to this advice now, as I start thinking about the possibilities about finding a new place to live, meeting new people, and finding ways to connect with community. I have refrained from communicating with his family too much. I know that they are struggling to integrate more than one loss into their own lives. His daughter, now approaching age 7, lost her mother almost 2 years ago and her beloved daddy 6 months ago. She is a smarter version of her intrinsically driven father and I imagine she is keeping her guardians on their toes. Fortunately, she has a village surrounding her. I miss him. I know others do, too. Sigh. Maureen

While Facebook groups have grown significantly since I was widowed 8 1/2 years ago, I have found them to be full of drama! No, thanks, for me! I would much rather have this format. I have gotten to know many fellow wids and the PM feature allows for more in-depth writing than Facebook and even Messenger. Maureen

Hikermom, It has taken me a little while to respond to your post; it hits so close to home. I have purged two houses now, one for each husband. The second was harder. John kept so many mementos, and being a geographer, he had a full file drawer of maps from everywhere imaginable. We also traveled a lot and had dreams for so much more travel to come. It is hard letting go of our dreams, isn't it? I have come to the conclusion, though, that it is hard to have a future if I stay in the past. I hold onto some of those memories, but I had to let some things go. The process is hard, but I don't really miss the things that were all stored to begin with. My life has become more simplified, and I think that is a good thing, too. Hugs, Maureen

It is good to recognize accomplishments after widowhood. Sometimes, they are as simple as picking clothes up and putting them away or making a meal. Sometimes, they are the financial obligations we have that feel overwhelming, or changing the “next of kin” on paperwork at the doctor’ office or taking over a parenting role that someone else filled prior to his or her death. I’m glad you have a space to acknowledge your accomplishments! Maureen

I am jittery for something good for a change! Background for those who don’t know me - I left my first career as s physical therapist a year after my first husband died. I had met the man who was to become my second husband and fairly quickly moved halfway across the country to be with him. I had the sudden realization that I no longer wanted to work in PT. My (future) husband was completely supportive of my decision and encouraged me to take some time, play a bit, travel, and consider going back to school. He was a university professor and we had these options. So...I did just that. Putzed around, managed some renovations to our house, traveled fairly extensively and went back to school. I didn’t know where I wanted to go in terms of career, but I was working part time on another Bachelor’s degree. Then, my second husband died unexpectedly in his sleep. School became the vehicle that got me through the ensuing days and weeks and months. I had six classes over 2 semesters to finish that degree, however I still didn’t know what I wanted to do! I realized that I loved Higher Education - the wonderful gift that my second husband brought to me. I decided to enroll in an on-campus Student Affairs Masters program and I started it a year after my husband died. I finished coursework a year ago in December and finished my final project a year ago this month. I started applying for jobs a year ago, while at the same time, I downsized and packed up my house. I knew I could not stay where I had lived with my second husband. I really liked it there -with my husband. Being there without him just reinforced my losses. I made the decision to return to the east coast where I have friends and family scattered. I put my property in storage, rented my house to a young professor, and I have spent the last 6 months in limbo either with my parents or at the vacant second house of some friends. I cannot count the number of job applications that I have sent out. On the east coast, it is not uncommon to have 100-200 applications received for each job posted in my field. Just getting preliminary phone or Skype interview is a rare occurrence. But - finally - I have a job offer for an academic advisor position in a private college that is geographically much closer to where I have friends and family. It is a new place for me, as I don’t want to live specifically where I have lived in the past. I accepted the position today and soon I will have income again! My life has felt like a car in neutral for too long. I can finally shift into gear and begin moving forward again. My years in school certainly moved me forward. Now I can take more steps to establish a new life in a new location. Work will be the next vehicle for me. I am staying just over an hour from work, and once I get established in my job, I will look for a place of my own and reunite with my own bed and other furnishings. A new town, a new start, a new life. I didn’t want this when I moved to Kansas, in love with my second great love. But he isn’t here and I don’t have that life anymore. Life is coming together again. I am excited. It feels good and a little scary, too. I have a job! Thanks for listening. Maureen

Hugs to you! Those lyrics are heartbreaking. Maureen

Best wishes to you, Leadfeather. I have spent long stretches driving across the country during my years of widowhood. The newness and change puts me into a different mindset and temporarily gives me some peace, also. I hope you enjoy your trip. Maureen

I'm coming to visit, too! I think you are going to have to host a bago! Congratulations! Maureen

Facebook has a way of reminding me of dates and experiences...some of them good, some of them not-so-good. 4 years ago today and just under 6 weeks after my second husband died unexpectedly, I had surgery to address the cause of rapidly progressing numbness and paresthesias - abnormal sensations, typically tingling or pricking (“pins and needles”), caused chiefly by pressure on or damage to peripheral nerves - in my legs. The suspected problem was growing fibroids. They were present, but in addition, I had a quickly growing malignant tumor called leiomyosarcoma. It a is rare and aggressive cancer. I didn't find out until 2 weeks after surgery that I had this cancer, as the pathologists asked for multiple opinions including sending things off to Johns Hopkins before they confirmed the diagnosis. So...now I am reliving the angst of that day and the weeks that followed. My first reaction to the diagnosis was that I hoped it would just take me out of my misery. It didn't. I declined chemotherapy, as the cancer was still Stage 1 and known to be chemo-resistant. Now, four years later, I am one of a rare minority of people with this cancer who have not had a recurrence (although I remain at risk for life and will remain on surveillance). I wish I didn't still have visceral reactions to memories like this one. I no longer wish for something to take me out of my misery. I might not yet have reached a point where I am truly happy, but I am also not miserable (most of the time). I have learned through others like us that the pain will not always be intense like it was in the early days and weeks and months. I know from prior experience that it is possible to be truly happy again. I'm working toward that now - another interview today - some hope on the horizon that life will find a new normal that feels good again. Thanks for listening. Maureen

I’m sure your friend will appreciate your heartfelt words. I imagine it was difficult to walk into that memorial service and to relive some of your sad memories as well. It is a good place to be - when we can pay things forward and be present to another person who faces the painful experience of widowhood Hugs to you, Maureen

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