Wheelerswife

I’m game for your suggested dates and a good show. Maureen

May you and your family have decades of love and happiness!

Good for you for initiating a bago! I would be interested in attending. I have family and friends in southern Maine, including a wid friend. I don’t have anything scheduled during your window, but I do observe the 9th anniversary of my first husband’s death near then. I used to plan a bago close to that date. Pencil me in at this point. Maureen

We will have a small group, and since I have just moved in, I will get some advice on where to hang pictures! We will plan another bago later this summer, perhaps? I think we all miss getting together! Remember, we all used to be new to the bago experience. Anyone is always welcome. Maureen

We can certainly ask Lewis to look into this!

Hi, Mike. I have been there and done this myself. My first husband was buried in a double plot on the east coast where we lived. My name is on the gravestone. My second husband was widowed himself. His first wife was buried on the west coast in a double plot with a single headstone. We decided before we married that we would be cremated and our ashes split and half buried with our late spouse and eventually half together. Sadly, I lost my second husband, too, and I followed his/our wishes. Half of his ashes are buried in California beside his late wife. The other half are buried in the Midwest where we had our home. My name is now on 2 gravestones. All solemnity aside, I hope I don’t need that many more gravestones for me. One more would be fine... I wish you the best with navigating this situation. Maureen

In classic style for the base wid gang around here, this will be a pot luck event. Anyone is welcome...new, old, young, and those who considered themselves young when widowed. People are welcome to come when they can after 12:00 and leave when they need in order to get home at a reasonable hour. If you stay late, I will just put you to work. I might put you to work earlier, too! PM me for specific information on location and my phone number. I am located just south of Springfield, MA, not far from major highways. Maureen

Hi, Leadfeather, I'm glad you feel you can ramble here. I have done my share of rambling over the years since I have been widowed. I don't have children, but I am an academic advisor at a small college. I hope your son has informed people at his school about his depression. There are a lot of capable kids who find themselves struggling academically and it is always beneficial for school personnel to have that glimpse into what is happening for a student that gets them into a probation situation. My school has a lot of resources available on campus. I hope your son's school does as well and that he will take advantage of them. I have also done the downsizing and packing. It can be really emotionally draining. I have just moved into a new place. I'm renting for the time being, and I still own and rent out my house I had with my second husband 1600+ miles from where I am now. I didn't want to deal with selling it at the same time I was relocating. I wish you the best as you maneuver through your upcoming changes. Maureen

Leadfeather...I call this dismantling a life. I have done it twice...and survived. I'm about to unpack what I packed up a year ago. I wonder if I will purge again. I purged a second time after packing up my house with my first husband. Here I go rambling again. Maureen

I’m so happy for you, patswife22! I found that my relationship with my second husband (also a widower) was also incredibly happy. Having been through loss made us appreciate life and each other more, I think. I hope you have many more years of happiness! Maureen

Ah, Steph, I'm sorry you had to join us, too. We are pretty awesome people, though. (Not much consolation, eh?) I lost my first husband at 47. I knew it was coming, but it was still very hard. My second husband has been gone over 4 years and I still talk out loud to him. Leaving the home we loved was hard, but I knew I could not stay there. It is very early in this process for you. Leadfeather says it well...be kind to yourself. Hugs, Maureen

Hugs to you, HM. Isn't it difficult leaving that place where you shared so much joy? I still own my house in Kansas, having chosen to rent it out for a couple of years while I made my transition back east. So...I have one foot out the door and the other tripping on the threshold. I'm not sure if that is better than going out cold turkey, but I just didn't have all the energy I would have needed to move out and try to find a job and jump-start a career at the same time. It is coming close to a year since I left Kansas, and in some ways it truly feels less painful, but I have this overall sense that the best times in my life have already occurred. I was incredibly happy with my second husband; he was my knight in shining armor - and with him, I pulled myself out of the depths of the loss of my first husband. My challenge now is to look past this sense and to tell myself that I have more life to live and it ought to be a happy life. Fortunately, my new job gives me a good sense of purpose. I'm still finishing the details of my new place to live. Give me a couple of weeks, and I will be reunited with my own property in a place that I can begin to make my own - even if only for a year or 2. I hope that getting into town will bring both you and your daughter more quality time and freedom and the opportunity to socialize and expand your horizons. Maureen

Bump for new members

Bump for new members

Hi, Jessm1, I am so sorry you had to join our club. Your beloved Ron should still be here with you. Unfortunately, it isn't unusual for people to lack understanding of the loss of a spouse, particularly at a young age and under tragic circumstances. Heck, I didn't know before myself. But losing a spouse really kicks us hard. I'm going to try to find some old threads here and resurrect them for you and a few others who are new here. Your experiences, emotions, paralysis...these are all NORMAL. Read here. Post to your heart's content. We understand. Hugs, Maureen

Welcome. We choose here to include anyone who has lost a partner, married or not. If you feel you can find connection to people here, by all means you can belong. I’m sorry for the tragic loss of your partner and the father of your toddler. I don’t have this type of experience myself, but there are others here who lost a partner to suicide and some who are as young as you are. Read, post, vent away. Hugs, Maureen

Hi, Lewis! Thank you for all of your work on this website. I have a couple of questions for you. 1. How do I hide that I am online? I prefer not to be visible. 2. I wanted to send you a PM, but apparently, my message inbox is full. I would prefer not to delete my messages. Can this capacity be increased? I am sure I will think of more things...I'm trying to get used to the changes and navigating the site. Maureen

I’m sitting in a hotel room, passing a little time before heading out to visit a couple more people before heading to the airport. I have been back in Kansas for going on 72 hours. This was my home with my second husband. I left here last July to return to the northeast US where I have long-time roots. The 3+ years here with my second husband were the happiest of my life - full of growth and love and travel and change and challenge. But the unexpected death of my polarbear (his board name) changed just about everything in my life. I stayed here another 3 1/2 years and tacked on 2 more degrees while I processed my loss and tried to figure out my new path. I’m finally on a new path, perhaps not that far down the trail, but I have direction. Soon, I will be in a place of my own again and I am hopeful that life will continue on an upward trajectory. I came back to Kansas to attend a yearly event at the university where my husband was a professor and where I studied over the last years. My husband started this event 13 years ago to promote research at this small state university. When he died, the event committee named the day and event in my husband’s memory. He has been gone over 4 years, but this is the 5th time that the event has carried his name. The event continues to grow and is significantly bigger and better than ever. My husband’s name is plastered across campus and is advertised online, in the newspaper and on local television. His name is now a household word in this community and on campus. The day-long event of research talks, posters, and an exhibition of artwork touched me deeply. The committee members are dedicated to increasing participation across the entire university and there are talks about making the afternoon of the event a holiday for students, faculty, and staff so that more people can attend and participate. There are very few students now who actually knew my husband, but faculty and staff speak of him with fondness and respect. Even new faculty seem to have adopted a reverence for a man they never knew. Oddly, the event has turned into a yearly celebration of his life and memory. He is missed by so many people. It is good to have this space for people to continue to talk about John. I know that doesn’t happen for most people. I know that most people who knew my first husband don’t talk about him with me like people talk about John. I’m not sure exactly where this post was supposed to go, but I am glad there is a place where I can write about my experiences. I barely cried on this trip. I also took care of some banking, met with the people renting my house, took care of insurance and tax matters, saw many friends and colleagues, and visited the cemetery. I’m getting closer to Beyond Active Grieving, I think. I still miss him like crazy... Thanks for listening. Maureen

I can relate to a lot of this - just replace “anger” or various versions of it with “anxiety” -and you have me. Certainly not the same thing, but I could have written this same statement from the perspective of anxiety. Hugs to you, CW. And everyone else coping with challenging emotions and figuring out how to move forward with them. Maureen

I took 6 weeks of FMLA after my first husband died. I went away and visited friends for a little of that time. I was exhausted from caregiving and his final hospitalization. It was a good option for me. I worked with patients back then and I needed to be able to focus well enough. Perhaps you can discuss this with HR? Maureen

Hi, Kimberley. I am so sorry to have to welcome you here. I read everything you wrote and I know your dreams are completely shattered. It sounds like you need some time to process your loss. It is really hard to concentrate at work when it is hard to function on a basic level. If you have the opportunity to use FMLA, that might be a good choice for you. When my second husband died unexpectedly- shattering my dreams for the future, I was in school. I’m glad it wasn’t full time, but I needed something to give me purpose, and school was that for me. Perhaps you can use FMLA for a break and a gradual return to work? Take care of yourself. Drink water. Eat in small bites. A friend of mine used to leave me a small snack on my front porch of a few apple slices with a couple of crackers and pieces of cheese. Come here often. Some people read endlessly here. Connect with others in a similar time frame or other circumstances that you identify with. Hang in there. Again - I am so sorry for your loss. Hugs, Maureen

Hi, Annie, I am so sorry you lost your beloved Eric. I am also older than you, but I cannot imagine the pain at your young age with your dreams for a lifetime with your love. I know it is hard to imagine your future right now - and my best advice right now is not to even try. This is such a shock and so new and you have more than enough to process right now. Try not to think about the long-term. I think most of us would say that right now, just think about getting through each day. Sometimes, when that is too difficult, just think about getting through the next hour or even minutes. In time, you will see that you have come beyond the place you are right now and you will be able to focus more on what comes next. I assure you - and I have had way too much experience at this - you will make it through the worst experience of your life. You are strong (and maybe weak...and that is okay) and you will make it through this. I know I say not to think about the future, but I know I did and you will sometimes, too. Life has more twists and turns than many people know, and you have learned this young in life. Your life will become good again. It will be different than you "planned", but some day, you will see that losing your beloved Eric has changed you, but in the long run, it will not break you. You will always carry him in your heart, but I know from experience that your heart will grow and you can find the same kind of space to love another person. This is unimaginable right now, of course. So...take these words and put them aside and when you are ready, look at them again. They will make more sense in the future. In the meantime, grieve your loss as long as necessary. On some level, I feel as though I will always grieve, but I know that I loved again with grief as a partner in my heart. That second love was truly amazing and brought me incredible joy. Hugs to you. Don't be afraid to come here and pour your heart out. Maureen

Judy, I have not read something stated quite like this before. But as I read it, I found myself in your words. Thank you for this perspective. Maureen

Hello, christine, I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband! So much about this feels terribly wrong! It is more than enough anguish to lose a spouse, and then to have significant financial changes makes it even worse. I imagine you have already looked into legal recourse to see if you can recover some of your assets. Losing a spouse is devastating. People say it will get better over time, and I can, from experience (twice) tell you that this has been my experience and the experience of many others. 11 months, however, is not very much time in this situation. There is nothing magical about any specific period of time, particularly the one year mark. We all grieve differently, too. I cried at my first husband's funeral, but not at the memorial service for my second husband. However, I have cried plenty and I still lament the losses of my husbands. Just yesterday, I was in contact with three different people from this board, one of whom got to hear my sadness over the recent anniversary of meeting my second husband. It helps to have supporters who understand. Perhaps it is time to let your doctor know that you could use some support in coping. Some people find support groups and grief counseling helpful. Sometimes, it is a matter of putting one foot in front of the other just as you have the last 11 months. Eventually, life feels a bit lighter and it is easier to find small joys in our lives. Then we build on small joys. Life will be different, for sure. The old normal is gone, but it is possible to build a new life in time that can be good again. Keep moving through the fog. There really isn't much choice, eh? Hugs, maureen

Hi, Rudderless. I’m so sorry for the loss of your love. You are not the only person here who lost their love in a complicated relationship. Married or not, you are welcome here. It has only been 4 months. That is not a very long period of time to process the your losses. Please be patient with yourself. Read here and you will find that many others may have expressed some of what you are feeling. In the meantime, feel free to use this space to express yourself in any way that is helpful. We understand on many levels. Hugs to you, Maureen