keeptrying

Every day I just do. I don?t think, try not to feel, just do. I get by and do the best that I can. Before I had our baby two weeks ago, I started to panic.. and my brain shut down. I love it like that. A few days later, I found myself ?feeling? and involuntarily thinking, which made me break down badly. I worried that I snapped into reality and I was going to stay like this.. Emotionally hurting beyond words. I got a call from the police station saying that the photographs of my husband were there to pick up. My brain went back into sleep mode. ? I LOVE that mode. I can function. I still cry, I still hurt and thoughts pop up in my head, but I can cry it out and then tell myself, no worries, he will be home and carry on. I want to forget everything. I thought about going to a hypnotherapist to forget that he ever existed. I don?t want to be reminded of all the good things, because it hurts. My relationship was fantastic, so that makes it hard because I want to dwell on something negative and use it to push myself forward. Instead, I know I lost something that is irreplaceable. I am afraid of waking up one day from this fog and feeling the immense pain. I had a slight day or two of it, and it was physically, emotionally, everything terrifying. Is there a way I can turn that off? Is there a way I can stay in my zombie mode so I can function? I don?t want to involuntarily have my brain go into reality mode. I need to make it stop when I start to feel it. Is that even possible? If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know! The hurt is just unbearable.

Oh my goodness, I am SO nervous. Please PM me the address. Thank you so very much!

I requested to delete my account on YWBB. I thought my words were helpful, but unfortunately I was attacked and name called. I still couldn't "stop" going to the boards to lurk for support, I just stopped posting. I understand why people would leave, but I think for other widows it is important to have members stay. We all need the support and posts from others. I am so sad to hear that people are leaving. I wish I could reach out and tell them I was in the same place as they were, I get it, but we really need them. I sure hope they don't leave. I don't think they understand fully what a positive impact they are on others here. Please stay! If I can help in any way please pm me.

I would like to attend. I just had a baby and have a bunch of small kids.. Not sure how that may go over...

I am so humiliated, ashamed. I can't image EVER telling anyone I meet. I am pregnant toting around 6 small kids. I get stuck with the husband question from strangers. I say he passed away. That ALWAYS triggers the question.. WHAT HAPPENED. - And there I go, my mind racing, what do I say? I just say, it hurts, I don't like talking about it, and then they try to push it, or make up things like, was it medical? - The curiosity kills them.. The embarrassment and humiliation kills me more. My husband had no signs, was never depressed, had no mental issues, we had a great marriage. He felt as though he let me down and I deserved more. In a matter of hours of him saying that he was gone. - No one will be able to understand. I get that. But I can't ever imagine saying the word "suicide". It makes him look bad, and it makes me look bad.. like it taints everything we ever had, and our family and kids.I was not a good enough wife, he was not a good enough person to do something like that. That is what "suicide" tells people. The person is crazy and the people he surrounds himself did not help him and contributed to his death. It is the subject that will forever haunt you. The guilt, the questions. And when you don't come out and give details of death.. it even makes people dig deeper for more.

When you say sad anniversary, is it your wedding anniversary? The day your spouse died? Just had our wedding anniversary without him. Every year he sings to me, it is a tradition. I never know what it is going to be. - I thought I could forget and not think about that day. I decided to get out of the house and not wait for him.. although I wish he would walk through the door. A song came on the radio he liked, and that was the trigger. I almost got into an accident, pulled over, screamed at the top of my lungs and pulled my hair out for a while before I got out of the car and started to throw up. Tried driving home, had to pull over multiple times to puke. I was thinking I could forget the day and not think.. Didn't expect it to go that way. He never came through the door, and I never got my love song. I never got a chance to thank him for another wonderful year and another wonderful pregnancy or our great children as I did every year.

It seems as though I have a loss of "life". I wonder if sometimes I don't even realize it. Nothing seems to matter much at all. Just mindlessly going day to day. I used to talk, all the time, happily, excitedly, always positive. Anyone gave me something negative, I would come back with 2 positives and tell them all the good things to cheer them up. - I meant everything I would say to people. - Now, I don't talk, don't know what to say, don't care to talk. If I do have to, I don't care and if it is positive that comes out of my mouth, it is not because I feel it or mean it, I do it out of "that is what is expected of me" so I have to. I have to put that "front" on so people think I am okay. On the inside I don't care. I used to talk to strangers in the grocery store or people who didn't look like they were having a good day. I would smile at babies and talk to their parents. - I don't now, and I don't care. I used to notice things and be happy for every small thing. It doesn't matter anymore. I used to be happy and want to share the happiness, make others happy. How can I care about them, when I don't even care about myself. I don't want to be this person or feel this way. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't like the person I have become. I am dead inside. I exist every day. I daydream about not existing and it is such a peaceful thought. - On the other hand, which is odd you can have just two completely strong opposite feelings... I am SO thankful and happy that I have my children. I am SO very much in love, and I want to stay alive to make sure they are taken care of and loved. I don't want to... Wow, I bet if there was a I don't want to threat.. the top one would be wake up in the morning.. - Even taking a shower seems to be a HUGE task. Not wanting to go to work is understandable, but it may be good for you to get out, be around other people. You are forced to keep a bit occupied and keep your mind on other things. Maybe that is a good thing...

I have to wonder what is worse. People trying to talk to you at all, acknowledging your existence and trying to be nice, or just the opposite, people who wouldn't even look twice at you if you were on the ground on fire? - No one talks to you when you go out, you are like a ghost. - I am completely embarrassed about this, but I took my kids to the park while my son played his baseball practice and the place was packed. It was my anniversary, and I saw these dads playing with their kids. I broke down and cried. (unwillingly, I thought I could be stronger). I stood there pregnant and my little kids hugged me and said, mommy don't be sad because daddy died, we love you. Other moms saw me, huddled themselves, talked, others would just would glance. People would look over and just give me looks. I felt like such a fool and so helpless.

Do you REALLY think that the Cancer Charities are helping? Since they started, cancer has skyrocketed, and we are no closer to a cure. It is a HUGE money making business. Not really worth it to come up with a cure. Do you think your hard earned dollars actually go to help finding a cure? IF you are lucky, MAYBE a few pennies on a dollar. The rest goes for some ones salary, HUGE house and beautiful car and amazing vacations.. really excellent nice expensive living, and I know it is more than probably the amount of a whole huge bunch of widows ALL put together. It would be nice to think by giving money we are helping charities, but if you look into the statistics of any charities.. the reality is you are getting ripped off and paying for someone else to live a luxurious lifestyle.

There are countless countries that have turned over their guns, - and the out come, millions of innocent citizens murdered. Tons of history on that. The chances of people going out and getting drunk, getting addicted, driving and killing someone and dying from alcohol are more likely than people doing the same with guns. If someone wants to kill someone or themselves, they will find a way. Africa, no guns allowed - one of the highest murder rate and crime countries in the world.

If someone is determined to kill themselves, they will find away. Jumping off a building, knife, chainsaw, any way possible. What is way more accessible than guns are prescription medications. How many people die a year and are addicted and kill themselves from those. More than you can imagine. How many people were on medication before they decided to kill themselves. I bought my first gun when I was 18, I often wonder if I didn't, would I be in the situation I am? I also wonder, if it wasn't that, would he have had time to think it over and change his mind? Or would he just think of another way? A worse way possibly, not so quick and easy. Those thoughts kill me.

I have two, no cable, both downstairs. My husband and I agreed not to ever have any in bedrooms, (not even our own) we like to make sure that the family isn't separated all the time doing their own thing and we can all be close. Some nights I will put the old black and white Alfred Hitchcock shows on my phone and all the kids crawl in bed to watch it with me.

I had no desire for friends. I enjoyed my husband every minute I can spend time with him. We have a bunch of kids and we never had time or wanted time for friends. Never had a babysitter and were so happy doing things as a family. We were always out doing things. I would try to get him to go out with family and he said I would rather spend any time I have with you and the kids. He is all I wanted, all I needed. I always thought I would have him by my side and not want or need anything else. I am alone now. I go between thinking that not having friends is a good thing, or maybe a bad thing. A good thing because people can't understand or related to what I had in my relationship and what I lost. A bad thing because my heart aches so much. He was my everything. I wish I had someone to hug me and tell me everything will be okay. But then I think, that may be uncomfortable, because it isn't coming from him. I don't have time for friends and to be honest, I don't even know where I would even find them. I don't even know if I can relate to people on the outside to be honest. I was a wife and a mother, happily living a dream. I would thank my husband all the time for making that real. I am thinking it may be better I didn't have friends until I figure out a way to just keep moving forward.

I was hoping there was some kind of "time line" where at 1-6 months you will feel this.. then at 6-12 you will feel this.. I just crossed the 6 month time. Just had an anniversary, waited for my husband to walk through the door and sing me a song like he promised every day for the rest of our lives, our baby is due in 2 weeks and I am feeling like I am drowning. I want to swim but I am paralyzed. I try not to think, remember. I wish all memories were wiped from my brain. I think it would make it so much easier. Like if "we" never were. All happy memories and anything related to it just completely tortures me from the inside out. So I pretend that it never happened, like I knew a person "of him" but not him personally. I heard a song on the radio he liked, I almost got into an accident pulled over, started screaming at the top of my lungs and threw up all the way home (when I was able to drive).. That is INSANE. I should not be acting that way.I want to stop. I am too strong for this. Why can't I just suck it up. Why is the first few months torture and hell, but after it seems like autopilot is slowing down. I can't talk to anyone and to be honest, I don't even feel like it. Anything I would like to say would be used against me and put me in a mental institution. I am alone. I have been chained up, mouth duct taped thrown in a coffin and buried underground. I want to scream and yell but I can't move or talk. I want to escape but I can't. I want someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay but, he is gone. I want someone to slightly understand, but they don't. Faking being okay takes SO much work, because you know when you are done for that small talk, you will go back to your lonely helpless life, desperately wanting tomorrow to be better, even just a little better. It doesn't. I try mentally not to "think", I don't want to be that "poor me" - "feel sorry for me" person. I don't like being weak or viewed as weak. I try to mentally brainwash myself to be positive. It KILLS me it is not working, on top of that, quite the opposite is happening I think, why is this happening now.. why can't I snap out of it? I try SO many different things. I am swimming SO hard with weights on my ankles that just keep pulling me down, I am tired, so tired. I used to be the complete opposite person. I was the happiest person, most positive person you would ever meet. I would ALWAYS support and encourage anyone. That is gone. I exist, if that. - I hate myself. I think I don't deserve to have my kids,I don't deserve to live. I am not good enough. I question, what did I do to deserve this, where did I go wrong? I lived the right way, I treated everyone the best I could. I wanted everyone around me to be happy and I made sure I took steps every day to do so. Now I am here. The opposite of everything I dreamed and the nightmare I could have never dreamed up. I don't know who I am anymore. The passion for things just gone. I don't want it to be like this forever, but I don't know how to stop it. I has gotten harder.

Even before my husband died, I could NEVER understand why people made such a HUGE deal when celebrities died. Too many people "want" to be on tv.They are a dime a dozen. The ones who are, it doesn't make them "good" people. They died, just like countless others. What makes them better than the person helping others on their free time? The fact that they have money, gossip, luxurious lifestyles? They didn't do anything for me, or would have any care or shed tears if I died.

My husband liked that show. I teased him all the time. We would watch it and I would say.. ssshhh ssssshhhh, did you hear that? - Because that is all they said, every episode. They never really caught anything on tape. All the balls of light or dust specks, or the evps that they made sound like it said something, could actually sound like anything you want them to. I think if you believe, and you want to see or hear things you will.

Please let me know if you ever plan any Bagos in the Scranton/Wilkes-Barre area. If I am going to travel up to Hershey with all these kids, I want to make sure it is open : )

I resented the fact that people avoided me after I was widowed. Here I posted that I really didn?t want to talk to people after I was widowed. That really seems like a contradiction. I guess what I really wanted was just to be normal again?..which we all know doesn?t happen for a very long time. I completely understand how you feel about you didn't want to talk to people, but resented that people avoided you. I didn't really want to talk to someone at first, but it seemed like I needed to talk to people I was close to. I felt pressure to explain. Something I regret so much that I ever even talked to anyone. I realized that no one could understand or they just sat like a deer in head lights. Then I realized people don't really care. They like the details, gossip, but that is all they were out for. People started to drop like flies. I thought about therapy, then realized, I am going to pay someone that could care less just to hear me talk. It won't change the situation, they don't care and what kind of advice can they give that I can't find out on my own. Or just dope me up on medication and not fix the problem or deal with it. I became resentful toward people. I started to think about the people I knew and thought, when this happens to you, or something happens to you, how am I going to react? Am I going to be able to 'fake" it enough? Am I really going to feel sad for you? Am I going to think, wow, now YOU Know what it is like, I will try to say some cheap words so I can get outta there. It is this need for someone to care and understand and share and hold me and tell me everything is going to be better, (Like the comfort my husband always gave me) but also the - don't open yourself up for more pain.It makes me feel weak, reminds me how I am wasting my time. I realized I just need to deal with it the best I can. Maybe emotionally you want it, but logically you know you shouldn't.

After my husband died about 5 months ago I wanted someone to talk to. When I did try a little I realized that no one could possibly understand and that people really didn't care or want to hear it or made matters much harder for me. They were more interested in money and insurance policies. Talking didn't make it feel better. It made me feel weak, people judging me and giving people something to use against me. I sucked it up and realized that no one really cares. My uncles wife died. I felt awful for him, only because I knew what it felt like. I know what he is going through in a way. I called him every day and talked about subjects he was interested in. Not so much the loss of our spouses, although that did come up briefly every now and then. The issue I have is that when people now tell me their issues, or people that they know died or are sick, I just have a huge lack of empathy. I lost a lot of empathy towards people. Their problems seem trivial. I realized how many relationships I lost through this because of the stupid hurtful things people would say to me. I just began not to care.. I guess I became one of them, I fake it. - Oh I am SO sorry to hear you are sick, is there anything I can do to help - Which EVERYONE that is a widow I would assume means, I will throw that line out because I don't want to help and I know you won't ask. I guess it is a matter of who really DESERVES sympathy and empathy. I get everyone has their problems and the range of everyone's problems are different. But when you ask if I am married and then I say I am a widow and you hear a long story about a cat or an uncle and I am supposed to feel bad for you and give you a hug and a pat on the back. NO. - I have a hard time caring or supporting people anymore. I try to play the game, but realistically I have gotten to the point where I don't want to be around people. I have nothing to say to them. Nothing that they want to hear. I used to be full of sunshine and energy. Now I just fake it, and it takes A LOT of work to deal with others and their trivial issues. Unfortunately I feel this way.. but, I still do it.. I still take time to pretend and jump on the pity party train of others to make them feel better. It stinks.

Deedee, PLEASE send an update to tell me how it went. I am a bit in the same spot and I am SCARED to death. I am pregnant, due soon and I have 6 small kids. Giving birth alone without my husband is completely terrifying. He was always next to me to cheer me on, tell me how proud he was of me, make sure everything went right and worried for me. I am terrified that if something goes wrong, he won't be there to save us. Am I going to be in labor and think of him the whole time? Picture him? Will that make it worse? He won't be there to cut the umbilical cord, hold his baby, talk to him. I will be completely alone. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how I am going to do this. Just thinking about it makes me cry. It isn't so much the physical pain, but the mental pain is one thing I never thought I would have to worry about on a day that was supposed to be so happy. I hurt for me, I hurt for my baby. I can't even put into words how I feel and the emotions that are running through me. Please let me know what happens, let me know this can be done.

I think Lisapops quote needs to be under the thread with - Some Of The Most Insensitive Things That People Have Said !. You are crazy, I urge you to see a counselor for feeling that way.. 2. Why can't you just move on.. 3. All the other comments that go along perfectly with this.. People here have stated through out the posts that they have seen their counselors. Personally the BEST one that helped me SO much was the post of taking someone that you trust to see first. That gave me SO SO much peace. No I am not crazy and I don't need to be "urged" to see a counselor for my feelings.

There could be many reasons. Why when there is a horrible accident all the cars drive slow and try to look? Pretty morbid. Because our reality has been smashed, and now there is no more reality, we don't really know if this is real or not. I am scared to see, but I want to. Every day doesn't seem real. He couldn't die, he promised me he wouldn't. Maybe it is a mistake? Maybe he secretly was kidnapped by the CIA? I need closure, I need to make sure, maybe it will help to move on? Maybe it won't. Maybe it isn't him in the photos and he will come home one day. Maybe they were wrong. Maybe someone has lied to me about what really happened. Maybe the horrible images in my head of me imagining the same thing, picturing the same thing every day when I wake up (when I don't want to) will go away. Maybe it will scar me even more. I want him, I want them to be wrong. I want this to be a complete misunderstanding. Was it painful? Did he look like he was at peace? Were his eyes open? I hope not. There are way more questions, emotions tied into this. The not knowing kills me, the knowing may just kill me more. Being without him kills me, hoping he walks through the door, kills me waiting for him. I just want all the pieces to the puzzle. I want to move on, move forward. Anything I can collect to do this. Will it help, or pull me back. I don't know. That is the problem. I DON"T KNOW.. I am grasping, grasping desperately for ANYTHING.. I want, need and will take anything at this point. I don't know what I want or what I need, but I know it is something, so I will take anything I can get.

If you feel as though the church supports you, and gives you faith and helps you.. that is really important. As far as the people, you are going to find that in any church, and outside of every church. It is just how people are in general. Some people having faith, God and church helps them tremendously when they are going through hard times in life. It gives them hope, gives them the strength to move forward. After my husbands death, it made me bitter, angry and a lot of other not so great emotions. I thought a lot about it, if there was a God, church, people I knew that went to church.. and nothing positive came out of it. But that is me personally. I wish I could believe and get comfort. You like your job, don't let the people around you discourage you. You are going to get that no matter where you are. If it works for you, don't give up!

Be careful with the widow card, it could backfire on you. I took my kids on a vacation for a few days. I just needed to get away, see that I could be strong enough, and make the best for my family without my husband. (I am 4 months out, this was last month). The school told me that they don't feel as though one person can take on the responsibilities I do with all my kids and because I am a widow how I am coping with the loss of my husband. I told them I wished he would walk through the door, I miss him, but doing the best I can. She took that as I needed mental help and that I thought my husband was still alive. (Although I see his ashes every day). They called children protective services on me and want to try to take me to court for the kids being out of school more than 3 days without a doctors excuse. I regret being honest. The good thing is, Child protective services said they have NO idea why some one would call on my family, but they need to do their job.That doesn't stop me from being on the "list". Now I am paranoid and too scared to even speak to anyone. People can use it to assume, or take advantage or who knows what.

I feel it is EXTREMELY important to spend one on one time with your teen. Even if they don't want to, or even if you are "too busy", it needs to be done. I have 6 kids (mostly very young) and I am pregnant, so time isn't too easy. Make it happen. It's the little things also. I will give him options of, what do you want to eat tonight. Or, hey are you craving anything, let's pick some junk up and hang out once the kids are to bed. If he plays a video game, I will lay on top of him and ask him questions about it. (until the other kids come in and dog pile). I tell him lay with me and watch Alfred Hitchcock at night. I let him put on the kind of music he wants in the car. (thank goodness I used to like the same stuff around his age), and we talk about it. We also go through the radio stations and do music trivia. When my husband was alive we would take turns with all the kids, doing "date nights". Unfortunately I am unable to do that now. No matter what I do, he still is a teenager, drives me nuts some times. Have the "guilt" his dad isn't here and I am not able to do the things and the quality time stuff they used to do all the time. I'm trying, that is all we can do. Try and hope for the best.. Just make sure no matter what they know you love them!