keeptrying

There are two types of people in the world - givers and takers. - The givers will keep giving and the takers will keep taking. I have this issue that I want to "help" people. I hear people complain about their lives and I feel like I can help. I give advice, then I seem to do it for them because they just don't seem to know how. Then they complain and need more. Next thing you know they are always asking for things. I start to become resentful because I wonder that if I can do all these things for them, then why can't they? They don't need to, because they just cry to me. Then I don't want to do anything for them at all. I feel used and abused so I want to cut them off. Then it only takes a matter of time before I start feeling bad for them when they come back. Terrible circle. Come to find out, I was told when they complain, that doesn't mean they want a solution to their problems, they just like to complain, that is their life. But they, if you are willing to "fix' their problems, they will sit back and watch, then ask for more. I have lived a life around a bunch of users, and trust me, it will NEVER EVER EVER stop. You will never be able to do enough or fix their problems. I promise you that. They will just become bigger leeches. Wanting more and more. Taking complete advantage of the situation. - One of the bad things about this whole thing is if you really needed someone, would they drop everything to take care of you and your problems? No, people like that don't, and won't. You need to figure out if this is worth it to you. Is this the kind of relationship you want? Is this how you want to be viewed and treated? The husband knows EXACTLY what is going on, like he said, he has been through it before, he is just as big a part as she is. He is enabling it, allowing it and manipulating you. Making you think that he feels bad about it.. but what does he do about it? Keep asking you for more. Situations like this don't get better until you cut all help off. Even when you do, they will come back every now and then fishing for more. I have been through this and I am currently going through this with quite a few people in my life. After my husbands death.. I REALLY started to resent people and how they treat people and take advantage of them. - I don't want to be that person anymore. - You may willingly do these things and blame yourself, but they as friends should not take advantage either.

I knew my future, I knew exactly what was going to happen. We planned it. We joked about how we would change each others diapers. - Boyscouts had something at the old folks home. I didn't think anything of it. Once I got inside I broke down SO incredibly bad. WE were a future. Now I will be alone, completely alone. No one to take care of me when I am sick, (he saved me and our kids lives), he is not there when I give birth to our baby now, no one to plan the future, the kids, and to grow old together. I find myself being jealous and even not liking old couples anymore because of jealousy. But also, taking the satisfaction away of being a wife, taking care of him when he is sick, being there for him. Nothing. it is all gone. I hate that I don't know the future and the thought of being alone is terrifying. I hate that I thought I knew and looked forward to it, and now it seems like I am lost forever

I don't really think the decision has to do with morals personally. That you could go either way with it. If you believed in God, - God gives life, takes life, science is screwing with "God's plans" and all those other good lines. - As far as some one else not having the same morals as me, who's to say, everyone is different. Everyone picks and chooses what works for them. I know I can't be the only person on this board that is scared of organ donor transplants. To be honest, I admire people who could be strong enough and families that are strong enough to take that step. I think I am weak that way. Too emotional. It is hard to focus on the long term positive, when the images and thoughts of how it affects you personally hurts so much at the time. - At first I was sure that if anything happened to me or my husband, no embalming, pine box. I wouldn't want them to mess with the body, just want to naturally rot. Then I thought, logically I know he is dead, but emotionally I couldn't handle knowing he is away in some cemetery buried in the freezing cold. The thought of cremation killed me though, burning up everything, the only thing I had. I had to make the choice, keep him home with me, or leave him somewhere. - It is all emotion, not logic, and I think it comes down to that with organ and tissue donors. I admire the people that can be strong enough to try to help someone else. I make excuses for the reasons not to, when really I don't think I would be a strong enough person to take that step.

Just like tax dollars, you really hope for the best, but you never never really know. The difference is, I have a choice on this one!

I have always been too nervous to be a donor. I worry that some horrible person in prison who did terrible crimes may get anything I donate. Which mean I contributed to something awful. I have seen a lot of things about where the first transplant hand was in prison and all the money and such it took. All the people with the most money get the donations first, and just random not so good things. Would I know who my many parts would go to? A child molester? A wife beater? I don't know. -

I wish I believed there was something "more". Golden paved roads and jumping on clouds with my lovely husband. I envy people who can make it easier to believe that once we die, everything will be wonderful. It is easier than thinking, we just die, and that is it. Unfortunately, it logically doesn't make sense. Honestly? If I believed in a god who made this horrible stuff happen on purpose, I wouldn?t be comforted. I?d be wanting to find the biggest ladder I could, climb to heaven, and punch the guy?s lights out. Either that, or I?d be wracked with guilt and confusion trying to figure out what I?d done to deserve this, or what lesson I was supposed to be learning from it. If I had a relationship with an imaginary personal creator who supposedly loved me and yet made this horror show happen on purpose, it?d be just about the most toxic, dysfunctional relationship I could imagine. But it is tremendously comforting to see these events as physical cause and effect.My husband died, bad things happen. Physical cause and effect works that way sometimes. You roll a pair of dice long enough, chances are that at some point you?re going to get snake eyes. You live long enough, chances are that at some point you?re going to get two or three horribly crappy things happening at once. That can be hard to accept. It can be hard to accept that we often have little or no control over what happens to us. But when I compare the idea that ?Yeah, sometimes life stinks, and I have to deal with it as best I can? with the idea that ?an immensely powerful being is messing with me on purpose and won?t tell me why? I, for one, find the first idea much more comforting. I don?t have to torture myself with guilt over how I must have angered my god or screwed up my karma, with that guilt piling onto the trauma I?m already going through. And would the glib clich? that ?everything happens for a reason? really give this hell more meaning? Would it really be more comforting to twist my brain into absurd contortions trying to figure out what God was trying to teach me, and why the lesson was both so brutally enforced and so obscure? All we can do is make the best of what we have, WE are in control, we need to keep going. It would be nice to sit around and wait for the day I die and can be with my husband in heaven, where all good things are. For now, I am here on earth, and I need to make the most of it.

My uncle who REALLY did a lot of horrible things at my lowest point (husbands death) is getting divorced and moving. I contacted him to see if there was anything I can do to help and help with the move and if he wanted to come over for dinner. My cousin who is holier than thou and had some not so nice comments to say after my husband died, I spoke with her the other day to explain to her how she can get and afford the house she has always wanted. Sat down and went over a check list, finances, legal, all kinds of things. She was depressed that she couldn't get it. By the time she was done talking to me, without a doubt she was going to be able to. My gram, who I don't like as a person for the things that were allowed in my relatives lives growing up, I call, and ask her if she needs anything, and take things to her occasionally. Talk to her, let her vent ask how she is doing.. Even though I really don't care. I pretend to. For her sake, and my dads.. My dad, won't even get into that one. I talk to him every now and then, because his life is a total disaster. I pretend to care and pat him on the back. I do care but in the same sense, it is what it is, so I can't really care too much. I try to take him out every now and then for lunch. I fake that I am doing excellent, just to make everyone else happy. I tell my daughter than I am so very happy and excited that she is making a positive future and she does need to move away and not worry about me. I want to see her happy and make the best of her life. Inside it is tearing me apart. It hurts she is leaving. I feel like I need her. (she doesn't know this)

I figure if I don't think and avoid all thoughts, I won't have to deal with the unbearable sadness and pain. I tell myself every day that this isn't real he is coming home or I just don't think at all and try to avoid all thoughts. Unfortunately anything that made me happy in the past.. music, memories, things like that trigger me to break down and cry. The pain is unspeakable. I try to avoid all that also. I am afraid of reality. I don't want to "feel". I want to just forget everything, forget my wonderful life I used to have. It hurts, deeply. I am almost 5 months out and I hope that I can do this forever and that eventually I can erase and train my mind that this isn't real. Unwillingly memories do pop up and I get stuck telling myself over and over it isn't real, like a bad dream until I wake up. I want to stay numb. I am scared of reality. - This is how I am coping...

I sure hope God doesn't have a plan.. the plan he already put in place has screwed me and my kids over worse than I could ever imagine. NO MORE PLANS.. I will make my own. I would rather blindly go day to day than to think that there is another crappy plan waiting for me. All we can do is choose our own paths, and hope we make the right choices and do what is best for us.

If someone would have told me this story, I would think there MUST be more to it than this. There is NO way that Child protective services would be called for those reason. I would think the person wasn't being completely honest, because it is SO ridiculous and seems like something was left out and missing. THAT is the part that hurts the most. Children are being sexually, mentally, physically abused, neglected. Poor behaviors in school at home, and grades. For employees at school to think that taking a vacation and a single woman can't do everything in my situation is a slap in the face. Instead of thinking that SHE wouldn't able to do it, doesn't mean I can't. She should be encouraging what I do, not saying, not one person can take on all this. She is doing way more harm than and no good at all. On a positive note, my cousin is the head of Child protective services - (no one knows this) - and I told her what happened. She knows my family very well and how we live. She was in SHOCK. She said you must be joking, I have a hard time believing that CPS would ever be called on your family for anything.. Then she told me, that is why I have my kids home schooled. There are kids that are dying every day under the supervision of CPS, but they will be more than happy to harass anyone that is doing well because they have a false report. The state is backwards in what they are doing.

I really want to see the pictures, because I want to make sure this is "real" and hope that this could be a step in moving me forward. I am scared to see the pictures, because what if that image will haunt me forever. What if he had his eyes open, just staring, dead.. Every day I wake up (unwillingly) with the image of what happened, the events and how he looked before, during and after it happened. It is complete torture. I went down to the coroners, they do not have or hold pictures they said. I went to the police and they refuse to show me. They said, just remember him how he was when he was alive. There is no real peace either way, just need to figure out which way will at least help.. if that is even possible.

My husband and I would take our children on a few vacations a year. Last one right before he died we asked for a paper we can fill out after we got back to have the absences excused. After my husband died, I didn't want "constant" sadness in the house, and I wanted to push myself, and to know I can get through this and everything will be okay. I decided to take the kids on vacation for a week. I got back and told attendance we left and asked for a form. They said no, I needed it before I left. I got a call 2 days ago from the attendance guy, who sounded very upset and angry asking why my son has missed school, what was he sick? I said I am going to be honest and explained the situation. I told him I was sorry and that it wouldn't happen again. He knows the situation of me being pregnant with 6 kids. He said that sorry doesn't cut it, I need to be a more responsible parent, I don't' care about your situation, get up in the mornings and get my kids off to school. - He was calling child protective services on me. AHHH sleep.. I had to admit I day dreamed a bit about what it would be like to sleep in.. actually sleep at all.. I am up VERY early every morning, I have a lot of small kids. I called the councilor and told her I didn't think it was fair to have child protective services called on me. My children are well taken care of and are in no harm or danger. She said, well how are you coping with the loss of your husband. I said, I miss him, I sure wish he would walk through that door but, hey, this is reality and I am doing fine. My kids get read to every night, they are great students and we do activities together. She said, well, with all those kids, it is not possible to take on all that by yourself. I explained that she can look at grades and behaviors of my children to see how I am doing, and everyone is doing great. - Needless to say.. I get the kids out of the bath the next day and there is some strange guy peeking in my windows. It was child protective services. They asked questions that had NOTHING to do with the welfare of my children, where did my husband work, how many homes we own, did we sell them, who is the property management companies, how long were we together.. etc Then he said that he was told I had serious mental issues and concerns that the councilor stated from a statement I said. I asked what that was, he pulled a sheet out, and read it off. She said, well how are you coping with the loss of your husband. I said, I miss him, I sure wish he would walk through that door but, hey, this is reality and I am doing fine. - I asked why that makes me have mental issues. He said, YOUR HUSBAND IS DEAD. I said, I know, he is right over there.. and pointed to the ashes, he isn't walking anywhere. He said, well saying things like that makes you unstable. So, needless today, they went through my house, fridge drilled me with questions, and did not find anything or couldn't find anything. He said he needed to come back to talk to my son when he is out of school. I feel as though if they wanted to help, they would have suggested councilors or other programs in my community, not a service that takes your kids away because you went on vacation and you wished your husband would come back. Now I am a target of the state, and I am scared to death, paranoid. There is NO way I would EVER go to counselling. If I am being labeled mentally unstable for something as innocent as that, if I went to counselling, that would confirm what they are assuming. I am just really disappointed in the situation and people in general.

He put his forehead against mine and said, "there is no me without you".

I think what is hard is the EXTREME emotions we have losing our spouse. I still can't quite understand that on one side I am SO completely low and devastated, the unimaginable complete sadness I feel deep in my soul.. and on the other hand, I can look at my kids and smile and think, this is the best thing ever, I am so grateful. I can't understand how I can have two completely extreme feelings at the same time. - I want to get to the point where everyone talks about.. Oh I can look back and smile and think of how happy things were. Now if I look back and think of how happy I was I break down and uncontrollably cry. Things that made me smile and I found happiness in now make me sad. - I know the gratefulness is there, it is just that as a widow there are so many intense emotions that it seems to get drowned out by everything else. When you are married, you know what to expect.. When you lose your other half, you don't know what is going to happen one day to the next, what the next day, month, year will bring. It is scary, the not knowing. I wish I had a time line to say.. okay, in this month I am going to start to be happy when I remember good memories.. Unfortunately I have no clue. I am still in denial for the most part. I think that is how I get through my days. I am scared to death if or when I wake up and reality hits me... I am afraid it will drive me mad.. I am scared of losing my mind. So, it is better to pretend for now. There is a lot to be grateful for, I know it. I just want to feel it.

The reality of the situation is that she is YOUR daughter. No matter how much she wants what is best for your daughter or what she personally thinks of the situation. You love your daughter, and it is obvious you want what is best. Don't get discouraged, don't give up. Seems to me it sounds like you have a lot against you as far as support. You need to never forget that you love your daughter, and your daughter loves you, and you can't give in and give up. Let that drive you and motivate you. You did what you needed to do, and what is for the best. If this is something you want, then do it. It can be done, with or without their support. Life is short.. you don't want any regrets, in a few years, I wish I did, or I should have.. just because other people want to control the situation. If you can keep going every day being a widow,, (which is completely devastating) then without a doubt you can get through this and get what you want and need. LIFE IS SHORT.. GO FOR IT!! YOU CAN DO THIS. No more talking, no more begging. this is you and your daughter.. your lives, and it is going to be great!

I have been in this situation, but I was the sister who ended up with the daughter. I took her in, and I invested time and money into her. I worked hard to be there emotionally, physically for her. I saw her grow and change so much in a positive way. I saw her happy. We bonded.Her mother would call and I would tell her okay, well when you get your stuff together, any time you can have her back, or "encourage" her and the relationship with her daughter. The reality is, I was being selfish, because I didn't really want that, but I did that so I can keep her without her mom feeling there was a threat. When her mom came to me and said she wanted her back, I thought, I was the one who was there at night helping with homework while you were out with your friends. I was the one there in the middle of the night caring for your sick daughter while you were sleeping with your boyfriend. I loved her, I invested time with her, I watched her grow and get to be a better stronger successful person. I felt if I let her go, she would go back to the same situation and fall back to where she was before I had her. I didn't want to see that girls life go down hill when I knew there was so much opportunity for her to move forward with me having her. If she cared enough, she wouldn't have "lived her life", she would have been a mother. I was upset with her a bit, thinking that I understood she was trying to get things together... but what was she doing while I was caring for her daughter. Was she going out, having a good time, being irresponsible? Then when she decides she feels like she wants to come back after I "fixed" her daughter - I am not saying this is what is going on in your situation, but in your post you asked if anyone had a similar, and this is mine and what I went through, from my point of view.

My mother knew how close our family was and how happy we were in our marriage. These are things that were said by my mom IMMEDIATELY after my husband died.. Would you rather the insurance policy or have him back? Maybe he did it because your son annoyed him too much and he couldn't take it. You need to get over it, you are ruining your kids by being sad, you are going to screw them up for life. Life is what you make it, and you are choosing to be miserable. How much money did you get, I need to know to see if I should move out there and help you. (She doesn't have a job) A male friend I knew since the age of 11 - You are beautiful and a great mom, but no way in hell you will ever find a man who wants to be with you because of all the kids you have. If I were you, I would just get over it already. You need to stop being so selfish and dwelling over this and start getting out more. My uncle asked if he could help with food/finances. My other uncle, oh don't worry about her, she is loaded now. ( didn't even know if i had a policy or my money situation) - Same uncle, hours after death ran upstairs, opened the door when I was telling my dad and said, go get your life insurance policy, I need to see it now. My cousin - wow, and I used to be jealous of your family. Everything happens for a reason, in time, you will learn a lesson and good will come of it!! WHAT? someone ACTUALLY said that to me. Pregnant with 6 small kids, take my husband and kids dad away and tell me something like that? God knows when you are going to live and die..He took him for a purpose - oh yeah? because being a dad and supporting your wife and family wasn't a good enough one? Leaving me here alone in hell is okay? How many times I heard, I understand how you feel, what you are going through.. - I say No, no you don't. My brothers uncles dads twice removed cousins cat died.. - see? I know, I know how you feel, I have been through it Unfortunately there are many more. Needless to say.. it is hard trying to keep a relationship with people even though some how they mean the best and have the best intentions?

It is a vicious circle. Seems like when kids don't get sleep, they get crazy and wild. Then you put them to sleep, but they aren't tired, (even though they are beyond tired) - they stay awake and get crazier. Then when they do finally get a little bit of sleep, (not as much as they need) they wake up and are crazy from lack of sleep. Then as this goes on, you get cranky like the kids, because there is no sleep for anyone. It is a vicious cycle of tired non sleep. When they are MOST beyond tired, that is when they will REFUSE to go to sleep. Not only refuse, but insist on making your life hell. - Days where you wish you were one of "those" moms who bring out the NyQuil syrup to help : )

At first I would try to run and hide. Go and pretend I had to do something in the basement, or go to the bathroom. Unfortunately with small children they follow me everywhere and I don't get a minute to myself. I didn't want them to see me cry, because I didn't want them to feel bad for me, or feel bad themselves. I break down, some times really bad. Places where I can't hide, like driving in the car. My 1 year old will run over and hold me, my 3 year old says mommy,you are crying over daddy? it is okay, my other one says mommy, don't be sad over daddy you have us, I will take care of you.The other ones don't know what to do I see the look in their eyes, I know it makes them uncomfortable. I feel so bad and guilty. I don't want my kids to see me this way, but I wonder if maybe it is good that they see me this way, because then they know how much I really love their dad.

As someone who is new.. the YWBB board felt safe. It was YEARS of raw emotions. The posts of how members felt, what they were dealing with, and the years beyond that how they got through it. When you questioned if you were going crazy, when you had any questions, you do a search. SOMEONE has most likely gone through what you were going through. You didn't have to post, or feel like you had to ask or share. The answers were there from years of people being in your shoes. I am SO thankful for this new board, but it is like starting completely over. New people coming in can't just read the years of where people started to the positives on where they ended up. The years of raw emotions, the questions, the answers. The YWBB was a guide book of answers, and this site we are writing our own book.

Maybe try what I did for my sons birthday party. Try really hard holding back the tears, try to think of something else, keep your mind occupied. Sometimes thinking of something that makes you really angry helps. A few tears may trickle. Then when I hop in the car, without any warning, COMPLETE BREAKDOWN. Maybe everyone will think they are tears of joy : )

I am four months out. It seems like yesterday, but also forever ago. I didn't know what to expect, I still don't know. Nothing seemed to have changed. I still feel that deep hurt that comes up from your gut until you cry your eyes out until they hurt. There are the crying days, and the DEEP crying days. The way I keep myself going is I tell myself over and over this isn't real. It just can't be. I am afraid if I wake up and end up getting smacked with reality I don't know if I can handle it. I knew my present, my future. I knew my life, I loved it. Now, I don't know what will happen tomorrow or six months from now. I have nothing to look forward to. I wait for him to come down the stairs from work. Every weekend I wait to see him come across the kitchen holding one of the kids and asking him what he wants to do this weekend. The waiting.. and waiting.. and waiting.. It is so completely and utterly lonely. My heart aches. The pain is so strong it is not even describable. I keep going every day, but I am not sure how to move forward. All your hopes, dreams, your life, everything you have known, just gone.

I have never been an addict. My husband was not a drug/alcohol addict, but he did have a different addiction. I have known many drug addicts and unfortunately know that the drug takes the person over. You will get hurt if you stay a part of their lives. I have known Alcoholics. I never could understand why alcohol was SO much important than anyone or anything else. They could have the world, but instead, they choose to be self destructive and hurt people around them. There is nothing you can do, nothing you can say and you can't give enough to the drug addicts and alcoholics that I have known and that I know now. The biggest thing I fought with is why do you choose your addiction over your friends, family, life. You are given every opportunity and you refuse to take it. I came to realize I will NEVER understand because I have never been an addict. I don't know what it is like to struggle every day, to crave and to need that. I haven't gone through the mental torture and pain that it brings to the addict. I can't relate. No matter how much I think, try to understand and relate, I will NEVER be able to, because I have never been in that situation. Just like a person who is not a widow, can NEVER understand the hurt, pain and emotions that a widow goes through every day.

I got most kids in bed for the past two nights! Some nights I have all 6, and me being pregnant, there is no room. A lot of nights I have only 4, all nights I have 3. Past two nights I only have one in bed with me. Four months I have literally not had more than an hour of consistent sleep. - I am down to one kid in bed! To me, that is huge! I am hoping it lasts. - My next huge goal is going back to the original rule of no eating in the living room.. I really screwed up on that one. Just didn't seem worth the fight. If I can get this sleeping in your bed down for most kids.. Call me butter baby, cause I am on a roll!!!!

I envy the widows who say, I have friends, family that help watch my children, cook, clean, run errands. All the support and help. I do not have any of that. It is all me. I have to admit, it makes me angry, resentful, just not so great feelings, but the good feeling is, I feel determined. This IS all me. I AM going to do it and prove that I can. I just feel as though it is too easy to "slip" away.. Just give in, give up, even for a little while. If I didn't have children, I would have given up without a doubt. I can't give up for them. They need me. I can't be doped up, lay in bed, just give in to my grief and sorrow. Yes, I think I want to, but I have children depending on me, so I haven't and I am not going to. There are days when I think, I just don't know how I am doing this, I just can't do this anymore.. But then there is tomorrow..I just want to forget, I want to pretend like I never knew marriage and happiness, if I didn't know any better, I wouldn't hurt so much for the what I am missing, what would be. Things are so low and I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel for myself.. but hey, we can do this, we can keep going, even if we feel like we can't. For all the widows out there, don't give in and don't give up.