keeptrying

I am not offended. I truly want to know how "how to deal with it" and what that means. If anyone has an answer, that would be fantastic. Any help though this craziness would be great. - I don't know if that means come to peace with it. Or not think about the "what if's"? Or there is some way if you have a lot of time to think, you can think it through and it will be a little bit better? I am just confused at that statement, like there is a way to deal with it and it may catch up with me and knock me out. I guess because I am emotionless about it and don't talk about it I am not dealing with it. - The reality is, I don't have the time, and I am too scared to and I really don't want to remember. It hurts too much. This just can't be my reality, but it is.

I heard that I need to deal with it, or it is going to catch up with me and hit me hard. I have been thinking about it a lot, and I don't understand what that means. How can some one "deal" with it. Does that mean think it through over and over.. which is pointless, because I will never have peace. Or, ignore it, and just try to pretend like it didn't happen, so I can try to function every day. It's there, every second of the day. I feel it, deep inside. - What does that statement even mean.. and how can I "deal" with it.

fairness, justice or jealousy? Before I met my husband I knew a couple and would see her husband treat her like a Goddess and in return she would just treat him like a dog. He was what all women dreamed of in a guy, and she just took him for granted, and was terrible to him. The meaner she was, the more he tried to please her. I was jealous. I thought, why do all the bad people end up the good guys. It made me feel really sad. Then I met my husband. He was more than anything I could ever have dreamed of. He treated me like a Goddess. I would reflect on the couple that I knew. It wasn't about me being jealous anymore, it turned out to be FAIRNESS and JUSTICE. The fact is, IT JUST ISN'T RIGHT. Now, instead of sadness, I felt anger and disgust. You lose your parents, who you love. They lived a full life. You as an adult have YOUR OWN life. You do not just "love" your husband, you are IN LOVE with him. He is your life partner, and you are an example for your children. She is ungrateful, selfish and the more she takes a one woman pity party, the more people that stand around holding the tissues for her, the more of a pity party she will have. Life stinks, seriously. I get that more than anyone. It isn't fair. But to punish your husband and your kids. That is terrible. I often wonder, if people hate their lives so much, and have SO many issues, why don't they just end it all already? Especially if you believe in God.. it is better in heaven than down here any how. Heck, I know I would. But, I go on, day to day.. because I have kids, and it ISN'T ALL ABOUT ME. (Heck yes I have pity parties and I cry, but I don't ruin others lives because of it) I have been around so many emotional vampires, me hurting for other people, me bending backwards.. to only find out, they don't even want to help themselves. I have been through many bad times, and have had no one, and I learned to SUCK IT UP AND MOVE ON..make the best of it. Dont punish and neglect the people who need me most. Dont be a burden continuously. I understand everyone needs help every now and then. Everyones circumstances are different. But it gets old. The only way to snap people out of that, is to make them deal with it. She is obviously not. She is making everyone around her deal with it. No, I don't feel bad for her. If she didn't want to be like that, she would make an effort to change it. There are things I would like to change about myself, and I really really want to, but I haven't for a lot of reasons.. all excuses. If I REALLY wanted to bad enough, I would, but it is way easier to complain and make excuses instead of actually taking the steps to make things different. We are all screwed up. In one way or another. We all need someone to hear us complain, give us support, love us. But taking advantage of it.. that is the difference. Neglecting and hurting others that need you, that is the difference. The best thing for her is to just get a plane ticket, move to a third world country with no money and live there for a while. See how many people "pat her on the back" for her sob stories on how bad she has it. Maybe she will learn to appreciate and be more grateful. (With this post, it is a Saturday night, I figured I would spice some things up! )

Am I the only one who knows that I have been married? Well, my children also. I wonder if I made my husband up in a dream, and he never existed. Since his death NO ONE talks about him, speaks of him, and when I mention him the conversation changes, like he never existed. Like I made up some incredible life of me being married and having a father to my children. When he was alive, I heard over and over from my parents, people I knew, people that knew him, WOW, I never met a man like him, he is one in a million, he is a keeper, there are no guys like him out there... Everyone always told me how lucky I was to have him. Now.. it seems like that person never existed and I have given 7 virgin births. If I did dream it up, I want to go back to sleep and keep dreaming!

These groups have shown not only does it not help, in fact, when suicide is shown publicly and with prevention groups, the statistics in suicide more than double. It had been issued to the media since 1987 as a suicide-preventive experiment in another country. As they made people more "aware" - suicides more than doubled. They started the same experiment in our country, with the same results, suicides increase. They have done studies on this. It is customary in some countries for the media to discourage suicide reports except in special cases. Suicide prevention groups say they want to make people "aware" of suicide.. Everyone has ALWAYS been aware that suicide happens. EVERY case is different! These people just like to get money, and feel important, get a pat on the back and have people say, oh I am so sorry for your loss. Money greed and attention whores. Just like bullying, it has ALWAYS been there, ALWAYS will be there.. there is NOTHING anyone can do to stop bullies. If you want to stop kids from getting bullied, then be an involved parent! Teach your kids to have self esteem. These anti bullying group aren't going to stop it!! An alternate model to explain copycat suicide, called "social proof" by Cialdini,[20] goes beyond the theories of glorification and simplification of reasons to look at why copycat suicides are so similar, demographically and in actual methods, to the original publicized suicide. In the social proof model, people imitate those who seem similar, despite or even because of societal disapproval. This model is important because it has nearly opposite ramifications for what the media ought to do about the copycat suicide effect than the standard model does.[citation needed] To deal with this problem, Alex Mesoudi of Queen Mary University, London, developed a computer model of a community of 1000 people, to examine how copycat suicides occur. These were divided into 100 groups of 10, in a model designed to represent different levels of social organization, such as schools or hospitals within a town or state. Mesoudi then circulated the simulation through 100 generations. He found the simulated people acted just as sociologists' theory predicted. They were more likely to die by suicide in clusters, either because they had learned this trait from their friends, or because suicidal people are more likely to be like one another

Dark Rose, your post, I could have wrote myself. How do you put into words - feelings, feelings that there are no words for, despair, unimaginable pain, they don't even come a bit CLOSE to how it feels. There is no such thing as time, everything runs into each other, day by day, you will look back in two months, and it will either feel like it has been 2 months or two days, and probably not remember anything that happened in that time. Some times, my head feels like a jackhammer inside, can't seem to concentrate, or I can't stop thinking. Panic, question now what. How did this happen? Guilt. If I just.. no matter how your spouse died, if you just had that ONE magic thing you said or did, maybe they would be a live today. How do I go on, where do I start? Pain, wow, gut wrenching bring you to your knees I can't breathe I want to die NOW pain. Support, I don't know what that is like, no one gets it, any one who does say something, it is usually stupid and never makes you feel any better, the majority of the time worse actually. These are just a few things.. We get it here, and I feel completely awful for you, because no one wants to feel this way, or even know that there could be anyone else on the planet that is going through this. When you start to think you are going crazy, or no one gets it.. or now what.. come to the boards and read, message others. We all are in different stages and we can all be a great support to you, This is the only support that I have had, and I am SO thankful for it. I wish I could tell you something that could make you feel better.. but just know there is a lot of support on here! Take it day by day!

Brenda I don't think what you are doing is making you a "loser". You went from the knowing, to the unknowing. You say that your job was nightmarish before, why would you want to jump back into it while trying to pick the pieces up and trying to move on to a whole new life. I am not sure about the cutting thing, I know that sometimes the pain is so completely unbearable that I think if I did just have physical pain, maybe it would make the unspeakable pain go away. I am too much of a sissy to do it though. It is hard because you lost the one you were going to be with for the rest of your life, and now.. now what? - I am still trying to figure that out myself. Too much time on your hands could sink you, way too much time to think could drive you mad. Getting a job, ANY job will force you into some routine. Getting together with a group, so be it hiking, biking, anything would keep your mind busy. I have kids so I have no time to think, but if I didn't, I have no doubt, the pain is so terrible, I would have happily committed suicide by now. You are going through a lot, trying to figure things out, that doesn't make you a loser. You can't compare yourself to other widows, everyone and every situation is different. As long as you just go day to day, you are making progress!! You can do this!

After my husband died, I went through the items I found lying around where he worked. I took all the love letters I wrote, cards, cards he wrote to me and I lit them on fire out side because they were too painful to even be around. I am not sure if I am going to regret that or not. His clothing that was not in good shape I couldn't possibly just throw in the garbage. I couldn't bring myself to do it, it was like throwing him away. The clothes would still be there, his clothes, somewhere, but not with me. Somewhere else with someone else's junk and garbage. I took all those out (except the ones he worse a lot) and burnt them outside of our house. We just built a house so I didn't have anything on the walls yet, there was only one large photo collage, which I still have in my living room, on the floor, in the corner, turned around. I can't bear to look at him every day. The pain of what I lost is just incredible. I still have his clothes, here and there. I wear some of his clothes, a lot actually. The memories of him, every second of the day I think of him. I am lost without him. I have no idea how I will feel about the rest of the stuff next year..

I'm curious about everyone's opinion on this suicide prevention deal. Wear orange, donate money, walks... I would like that it would help prevent suicides but I can't see that happening. Maybe I am not educated enough on the matter but to me it seems useless.

I don?t mean to offend anyone by this post.. All the bracelets and shirts, I love boobies and nonsense like that. People collecting money, running and doing various activities to get money for ?the cure?. Praying on people?s emotions to gain money so people who work in these foundations can make hundreds of thousands of dollars a year, who are NO closer to a cure than they were before they even started this. We are actually worse off. Cancer has gone WAY up since all these organizations started with their fundraising. It is a multibillion dollar business. Like the common cold, it is too big of a money maker to find a cure. I sat back watching people in pain with all the temporary painful fixes through harmful radiation and other painful treatments. Saw them BEAT cancer.. only to get devastating news years later. It hurts to see people go through this, having great hope that they will get rid of the cancer. Some do, but everyone I have ever known it has only been temporary. It all comes back, so be it 6 months or 6 years. Or the last few moments of their lives they could have lived pain free, but sped up the dying process with extreme pain through treatments that never helped. All the people who wear the stupid slogans to get money for these people should do research and see how much of their money actually goes on cancer research. If a few pennies of your dollar goes to help, you are lucky. Most if not all goes in someone?s pocket to buy a brand new overly expensive car, while your loved one is in excruciating pain dying. ? I am sorry, I am tired of the ?cancer fraud? cure for money.

I am a stay at home mom, but I can relate to you. My heart sunk as I read about your son. - But there is a positive side. I explained to my kids - in schools, there are the bullies, the jocks, the people who desperately want to be popular.. etc.. - what do you think happens when they are done with school? They get jobs and you work with them and live around them. They don't change. They have their clicks. I've have always seen the "group" of moms that huddle where ever we go, functions, schools, practice. Dressed nice, trying to fit in, be cool, show off and talk about what they "have". - Me, I never cared. I dressed in cut off camos, tshirt and converse. They didn't bother to talk to me because I didn't fit the 'image" and having seven kids, when someone did talk to me after I tried starting a conversation, it always came back to money, and they assumed I didn't have any. Does your husband work? What does he do? - My husband had a MORE than amazing salary which we lived more than comfortably. I would never let anyone know that though, I just told them what he did and left it at that. I didn't care what they thought, because after the years I realized the people who seemed to have it all, they were all in deep credit card debt and stressed about it, those happy marriages and perfect families? Wives/husbands cheating, or miserable, issues with the kids.. What you see isn't exactly what it is. - Go up and try to small talk, try it.. if it works, that is great.. If not, do you really want to be a part of that? Let's chat and giggle in our click like high school kids, brag about our salon experience and all the things we bought.. and then we go home and fight with our husbands about finances and scream at our kids. We are widows, it is terrible and stressful enough.. What would also be terrible is trying to fit in and being part of a group that treats other people that way, especially children.

I am VERY confused on the couples bago thing. It does not make sense to me. I went to a bago and there was a couple who were both widows. They get it. To see them, to know they were together made me feel SO happy inside. They have both been through it, they know and support each other and are helping other widows also. They are a fantastic example of hope and that life can be good again. THAT was great and inspiring. As widows, every day of our lives we are around couples and people who aren?t widowed. Attending a bago shouldn?t be that way. If I went to a bago and there were a bunch of ?couples? there, with spouses that weren?t widowed I would feel uncomfortable. It just seems uncomfortable to go up to a couple and say to both of them, hey, I am painfully rotting from the inside out, I am tortured every minute of the day and then look at the spouse of the widow as they look at me like a deer in headlights and think I am insane. I don?t understand what the non widow can offer and why they would even want to go to a bago with their spouse. (for support? They do that every day, they are married to them!) I understand it could show that yes, people move on and can be happy, and the widows can share experiences. But every day we are all lost in a sea of people who don?t get it. I lost my soul, the last thing I want to do at a widow gathering is hold a conversation with a non widow who is happily being affectionate to their spouse.

It was one of the BIGGEST mistakes I have ever done, and I will regret it forever... I was told that I needed to tell the school. I contacted the guidance counselor at the school and I explained that my sons father just died. He said, well how did it happen? Was there a lot of blood? Did he see it at all? All kinds of sick morbid curiosity questions he rambled off. I said, I don't like to talk about it. He said, okay then, bye.. and hung up. I contacted my younger sons school. Explained that my husband passed away and I was informing them. - I took the children out for a few days, we went to an indoor water park, just to get out of the "doom and gloom" mood. And to prove to myself that I CAN do this alone. I called to ask to excuse the kids out of school and they said no. They sent me a letter saying they are taking me to court because I had my kids out of school without a doctors note for a few days. I contacted them about the letter and they said they were going to call child protective services on me because I am only one person, and it isn't possible for one person to take care of so many children. I explained that my children are well dressed, straight a students and do not have any behavioral issues in school. SURE THING, next day, they came knocking at my door. They went through my whole house, refrigerator, made me sign a release of all medical records. They told me that maybe I was not "grieving properly". and the schools reason was that when she asked how I was doing, I said I wished my husband would come home (which meant I was crazy) - when the child services said that, he raised his voice and said, YOU KNOW HE IS DEAD RIGHT? - They left and said they don't know why they were called, everything looked great but they need to investigate when they are called. - It has been hell. I regret ever saying anything. Thank GOODNESS my kids don't have any issues and are straight A students.. I am sure they would have tried to take away the only thing that matters to me, the only thing I have left. I have gotten so paranoid. They did not help, quite the opposite.

I have been there. My older sons father died when he was a baby. I never told him, never saw the point. My (now deceased) husband raised him SO wonderfully, that was the only dad he knew. I figured, why at a young age tell him? How is that going to benefit or help him at all offering information like that at his age? I know he did hear things from others but I never ended up "talking to him" about what he heard. I was scared and nervous when he was a baby, how do I tell him, when.. I had all those questions. I figured when the time was right, I would know it. When he got to be around the age of 10, we got into a topic around the subject conversation, he started to ask questions. I told him how handsome he was, just like his father and answered all his questions. I showed him pictures and said positive things. He didn't ask too many, didn't really care too much because he was getting ready for my husband to take him out that night. He asks every great now and then, but nothing big. I didn't "scar" him from not telling him. He is not angry at me or upset. I don't feel bad about not telling him. (I was pregnant on my 7th when my husband died) - so I get to go through it again, although I am single, thinking I should stay like that now. I think everything worked out great, except for the part where everyone dies on us.

I am at nine months and WOW.. a HUGE slug in the gut! I just feel unbelievably sad.. I hurt, I cry.. I find myself thinking I am going crazy. - I have been able to go through like a zombie and do what I need to do, and yes, I would cry and hurt and all that, but 9 months hit and wow - it is SO much worse. Every day I feel like I sink deeper and deeper. I don't know how to snap out of it. I have been trying to take my kids places, "not think" or keep my mind busy with other things, just anything I can think of. I feel like I am slowly sinking into complete insanity and it scares me. I just want it to stop, I need to snap out of this and I don't know how.

I forgot the widda.org and I went to search for it. A ton of different websites came up that you could join and chat. Reading the posts it seemed as though there were people reaching out desperately for help.. and the only responses they received were terrible or they typical "things will get better" - and these are all widows boards, which surprised me on all the answers they posted that a widower would NOT want to hear. - I think what I am trying to say, if you search there are other boards you are directed to, you sign up, get let down.. and stop searching.. Widda.org doesn't show up when you search. There's some good stuff here. but not as much what you could use or need like YWBB. You can post here, but you don't really get too many responses. I have been to chat many times, and I am the only one there. Doesn't make good for conversation. I think we DO need the depressing emotional rants, and the posts on how people deal with this new life day to day.. and the people who have positive emotional rants. I know I am an emotional wreck on an emotional roller coaster. I don't want to feel like I am the only one. I want to know there is hope.. another day.. I want to support others on here also.

I can't bring myself to tell anyone when they ask. I don't even allow myself to think about it, or try to understand it. I can't. - It is SO confusing for me. I heard people put their spouses on a pedestal after they die, paint a picture of them. - The issue I have is that we HAD that life. Everything I could have dreamed of and more. I would tell him that a few times a week. He was happy, smiling loved and lived for us. Never mean, never said anything hurtful. We just built a house, I was pregnant, got back from vacation. We had it all. There were NO signs. How can you live with someone, he worked from home, so spend every minute with them, and not know they are hurting? He never touched a drug or drank or cheated. The people who did know him said out of ALL the people in the world, they would NEVER have guessed HE would have done something like this. My dad, uncles, everyone who met him said, wow, there are no guys out there like that, you got lucky. I did. - I don't know if it was better to have the love of my life that I won't ever get again, or wish I never had it at all, so I don't know what I will miss for the rest of my life. - I hate this. I hate my new life. I will never truly understand.I have TERRIBLE guilt. It eats me up. I can't even put into words. I am embarrassed to ever tell anyone the "suicide" word. I can't even admit it to myself

What's worse than keeping his toothbrush? Using it... And yes that is gross, but I do. I wear some of his shirts, others, the ones he wore a lot of, I can't bring myself to even look at. It hurts. His socks are mine now. My heart and soul are still his.

It isn't a matter of who agrees or not, this is not a place for political discussions. - We do have a topic just for people who were not married, or wanted to be or anything else in - Other circumstances - Sorry if I offended anyone.

I don't mean to offend by this response... I come to this board looking for answers, for support. I can throw on the tv or read the internet, paper and get all the politics I could ever want and more, you can't seem to run from it. So I run to this board looking for support and answers because being a widow stinks.I want to get away from every day nonsense, go to a place where I can just hopefully get support and answers, anything with losing my partner. I am not interested in politics on a widow board. On this board, it doesn't matter what your preferences are, we are all here for the same purpose.

Carey, You sacrificed to give your daughter and her friends a great time for her birthday. You could have done nothing at all, but instead you thought of her first. You are an AMAZING mother. No matter how bad things may have gotten, you did all this for your daughter and made it through. Hopefully this experience will make you feel stronger. Life is an adventure!

I am bringing 5 out of my 7 kids..

This is my first one, and I am very excited and nervous. I am hoping a bunch of people go so I can meet as many of you as possible! - singinmomo4 - if your ankle acts up, don't worry, I will have a stroller with me and I will be happy to push you around!! Can't wait to meet everyone! I live around the Wilkes-Barre Scranton area, so if I can help anyone in any way, please let me know...

I didn't know how to tell my children, so I told them he was on a business trip. As a week, two weeks went by the kids kept asking every day. He isn't gone for long periods of time, just a couple days or a week at the most when he goes, so it got harder and harder, and I started to panic even more, knowing that I would have to tell them at some point. I just had no idea what to say and how it would affect them. I broke down and stumbled through the awkward and almost impossible talk. I still don't think I did it right. They asked a million questions, I had no idea what to say. every now and then still do. I think I did pretty good though, over all. Until of course they get older. I don't even know how to do that one. - Thank you for the information about the book. I will be looking into it. Any help in this whole process is always a great thing.

I did technical work. I met my husband through our work. Then I started to have children, lots for the next few years. Never had a babysitter. Now with my kids very young ages, I won't be able to work for a while, until they get older. Even now after these years leaving the technical field, everything changes and advances and I wouldn't even know where to begin. We also just moved across country to a place where I don't even know if they have any good technical jobs around here anyhow. I can't really even think that far ahead though.. that is a while from now.. I still can't even figure out how to get through today...