twistedmensa

He knew that morning when he collapsed on the floor and couldn't get back up that this was the end. He told me as he was being carried down the stairs by the paramedics that he didn't want to climb up those stairs again...I promised he wouldn't have to...and as it turned out, he didn't have to. They stabilized him and admitted him to ICU. We spent the rest of the day (between naps) chatting. He was weak but in good spirits. We laughed with the nurses. The kids were at home alone, so I had to leave after his (non) dinner. I told him I would come back after our son left for school. I kissed him goodnight and told him that I loved him...and he said he loved me and would see me tomorrow. In retrospect, the fact that he said he loved me should have tipped me off...he rarely said those words.

I'm in the Phoenix area. I would love to meet up.

I would attend a Bago in Cali or Colo. I lived in the Denver area for many years and return as often as I can...I still have family there.

And fuck those "Share if you're married to your best friend" posts on facebook that keep infiltrating my timeline!!

1. I have two beautiful children 2. Finally ready to move into our new home and start living our new normal. 3. This site.

I would give anything to be able to read a book again. :'( You hit the nail on the head...there is no escape. None of my coping mechanisms are in working order right now. Books, music, motorcycles...none of my usual escapes hold any appeal. My humor, which has seen me through a lifetime of PTSD has failed miserably. My sense of humor has deserted me when I need it most.

My favorite thread! Fuck is such a versatile word. A noun, a verb, an exclamation. What is not to love about such a useful tool? oh....and fuck cancer. And fuck the docs that wasted precious time treating him for bronchitis when every fiber of my being knew that the cancer was back. And fuck being responsible for every fucking thing.

As I am approaching the one year mark, perhaps it is time I stop lurking and finally make my first post. This time last year (almost to the day) I took my husband to the ER because he couldn't breathe. He had been on antibiotics for about 3 weeks for what the doc thought was bronchitis...but I knew in my heart that his lymphoma had returned (he had been in remission for nearly 4 years). It was maddening that our doc didn't send him to the oncologist immediately...looking back, I know I should have pushed for more action. I will have to live with that regret. At the hospital, they found that the cancer was widespread but I was hopeful because he had responded so well to chemo the first time around. He was scheduled to start chemo the following week. But it wasn't lymphoma. They weren't sure what kind of cancer it was, but that it probably started in the lungs. Then the bombshell....life expectancy anywhere from 3 months to a year. That was March 22. My best friend and partner in life passed away on April 23. Just a week after we had the talk with our kids about what 'might' happen, my worst fears were realized. Life since then has been a blur. So many changes, and so much to deal with. We are still trying to pick up the pieces. I try to be strong for my kids, but I think they are dealing with this better than I. Perhaps I should follow their example. I would just like to say that even though this is my first post, I was lurking at YWBB since I discovered it about a month after my world imploded and it has been a great comfort to know that I am not alone. I am so thankful that I found this wonderful group of folks.