twistedmensa

To be truthful, I didn't think I would make it to 18, I certainly didn't think I'd make it to 47. But here I am. It worries me that if I die, my kids will be orphans, but I refuse to stop doing the things I love because of a fear of death. I still ride my motorcycle (although I wear a helmet now) and I still scuba dive (although I will probably put off shark diving until my son is self-sufficient). I want to be an example to them to enjoy life, even if there are some risks involved. Be it cancer or a runaway bus, none of us are guaranteed a full life, I might as well enjoy the time I have for as long as I can.

I don't post as much as I would like. It's not that I don't try. I have written many responses only to delete them before actually posting them. I am a veteran and I also worked many years in law enforcement so I have a bit of a hard edge to me so many times what I have to say is probably not what is needed. This wasn't problematic with DH as he was career military and also worked in law enforcement, but I am sometimes at a loss for words those with a different background. I am much more likely to hit "Like" in support of others who seem to be able to say what I mean in a more acceptable and supportive manner. But you have been heard and if a virtual hug is needed...I can absolutely hook you up.(((((Carey)))))

Thanks....I spit coffee all over my laptop! ;D I finally broke down and registered on a site. Maybe it doesn't have a lot of volume, there doesn't seem to be a lot of activity. But I can say that if the most creative message you can send me is, "Hi," I don't think you are the one for me. Intelligence and creativity are aphrodisiacs for me, I may have to figure out an alternative method for meeting people.

I had to sell our house immediately after DH died. As someone else posted, we intended to die there, and he did...just way too soon and there was no way I could survive in the Florida Keys with a family on my reduced income. Moving was a very mixed blessing. I lost all of my friends, gave up a job I absolutely adored and lost a lifestyle than cannot be duplicated in a landlocked area. Instead of jumping into the ocean from my backyard, I am looking at a brick wall. But there have been perks to relocating. The cost of living is SUBSTANTIALLY lower here, so my house is newer, larger and has more upgrades. My son has more friends who live closer and my family as well as DH's family is located here. Plus, there are far more job opportunities here...both for me and for kids when that time comes. I try to focus on all of the positives, and there are many if I take the time to consider them. It's too easy to get bogged down in all of the negatives. I try to remember that above all, he would want me and the kids to be happy. I don't want his legacy to be that his death caused the ruination of our family. It's always scary to take that first big step, and even more so now that we no longer have the support of our spouse. Buying a new house and moving away from our dream sucks...no doubt it...but there are new dreams to be had and I carry him with me in my heart and I know he is still cheering me on.

I think you made the right decision. I can manage a chainsaw alright, as far as removing limbs from a tree and such, but removal of an entire tree....not so much.

Thankfully, the vet cemetery in my area provided a chaplain who conducted a ceremony at the burial. I'm glad they did; I was less than useless as far as planning goes. I literally don't even remember it. I agree with you regarding the Post Office...they were very compassionate.

Today, I FINALLY got around to painting the wall that had been repaired after relocating my cable outlet to a different location....in April.

I saw the Peanuts movie last week. The plan was to take my son, but he backed out at the last minute...so I went without him. I had a good time...it was nice to just get out of the house. I totally get it about doing stuff you don't want to, though. I don't care for Transformers and Spiderman movies, but that's what my son likes so I suffer through them for his sake. We have a deal that if I take him to a movie that I don't want to watch, I get to pick the next one. Movies that we both like, don't apply. It's worked out pretty well.

Our first Christmas without him was very subdued. Everything we owned was in storage and we were staying with my Mom. We didn't even put up a proper tree. I finally broke down and got a little 18 inch prelit musical tree for the kids' benefit. This year we are in our new home and I'm slightly more motivated to decorate.

Welcome to the site. It has been a great comfort to me knowing that I am not alone in my journey.

This is true for me, as well. It's as if my life ended at the same time his did. I am beginning to make plans for the future, but it is without feeling or excitement. I am content, I suppose, but not happy. I'm not sure if I will ever attain happiness again.

So sorry, Carey. Sometimes I am amazed at the callousness of people. It shouldn't be that hard to ask a question or two instead of jumping to conclusions. I'm a big girl, I can take it...but don't fuck with my kids.

Tracy Chapman...Remember the Tin Man :'(

I am the same way. My kids told me I suffer from RBF (Resting Bitch Face). It's no wonder that people don't approach me...lol.

I think you've just answered your own question!

I am so sorry for your loss. As for your story not being unique...it absolutely is. Your experience of it is unique and how you deal with it will be unique. Right now you are in shock. I know immediately after my husband died (metastatic cancer...32 days from diagnosis to death), I was completely dependent on the help of others. I functioned on auto-pilot. Thankfully, I had plenty of friends at the time (several had gone through the same thing in the past year) that helped me limp through the first few weeks. My children were 10 and 17. They each dealt with their loss differently. My son (10) wanted to go back to school within a few days, my daughter (17) has yet to return. At 18 months out, we are still trying to find our way. There are many on this board that are far better than I in their ability to communicate, and their words have brought me great comfort in the knowledge that we are not alone in this journey.

Go for your bachelor's. It certainly can't hurt and it will buy some time to figure out your eventual career goals. I'm definitely in the same boat. I'm debating if I want to return to school in January (probable) or next fall. I dropped out my senior year after his initial Lymphoma diagnosis and decided to enjoy life with him. I only have 8-10 more classes to complete my degree in Life Sciences, but I am no longer certain this is the road I want to take. I've been out of school for five years, so I may take a few low level courses to get reaquainted with academia before I make a decision to change my major (yet again...lol) or not. I think at this point I have literally become a professional student.

Sometimes I simply force myself to go do something even when I don't necessarily want to. A girlfriend invited me to go for dinner and a movie Friday night, and though I loath crowds, I agreed to go. It was the Peanuts movie (love me some Snoopy) and I felt better than I have since DH died. It just felt good to get out of the house that I have been hibernating in. It helped that I rode the motorcycle...better than any therapist. I try to focus on the fact that I know he would want me to be happy, to keep participating in life. It would really hurt him to know that his death was responsible for my misery. In life, he did everything in his power to bring me happiness. I think the best way for me to show my gratitude is to be the strong woman he always considered me to be, even if I may sometimes doubt it.

I'm in chat since I've been kicked off the TV so the boys can use the Playstation.

New plans...my son's friend from next door is spending the night. No more Criminal Minds (sigh), cookies baking in the oven! I wish I had a friend that could sleep over!

Binge watching Criminal Minds. My life in the fast lane...lol.

No time change in Arizona...and I get to wear flip-flops in the winter! I guess there are perks to living in Hell.

So true.

The fun just never ends, does it? I know so often these words sound hollow, but I'm very sorry.

I'm in...can't sleep. Surfing the net, but I'll monitor the chat room.