twistedmensa

I'm sorry you're feeling down. Certainly, six days without sun can have a very real impact on one's mental health. The fact that Chad died during a string of rainy days makes for a double whammy. I am thankful that weather does not seem to have much of an impact on how I feel. I love a good thunderstorm, I enjoy sunny days and when I lived in Colorado, I would take nighttime walks during snowstorms.

I'm so tired of being responsible for everyone around me. I can't even take care of myself and my kids. My garage is filled with boxes that I still need to go through and organize, so I can't even park my car in it. I still haven't dealt with most of the estate issues and I have yet to hang a single thing on my walls. I haven't even hooked up my stereo (and this is a big deal as I am an obsessive audiophile). It takes an act of Congress to even motivate me to go grocery shopping. I am angry and resentful. What I really want to do is hide in my cave and be left alone. I am not ready to be a caretaker to my mother and brother. I haven't cried in three days. I wish this was due to my improving disposition, but I have become so numb that tears are just not possible. I don't like who I have become. I miss laughing. I am hoping this is a passing phase, DH's birthday was on the 25th. I had planned to go to the cemetery, but my brother ended up in the hospital for several days and it fell to me to live at the hospital during that time. My husband is the one who I would turn to for support in times like this, and he is currently unavailable to listen to me rant.

Sending hugs. Glad you got through it. I've been hiding in my cave, the 25th was DH's b-day...so you weren't crying alone.

I enjoy being in nature. I have never been sad while I was hiking or camping. It's very therapeutic.

Dang it...missed it again.

Sometimes what makes us "family" has nothing to do with genetics. If she is that isolated, I imagine she must feel like a cork adrift in a storm. You might just be her only jacket. . *

Watching a Ghost Adventures marathon. Yeah, I know...but desperate times call for desperate measures.

Values and sense of humor are my two number ones. Sex is important I suppose, but I have denied that aspect of life for so long that it terrifies me to consider it. Should the right man come along and reawaken my now slumbering sex drive, I'm liable to break him in half. Nine years is a long time to go without.

Congrats on getting the permanent position. I am the queen of conflicting emotions, so I totally get that.

That's how I operate...lol. With my husband, I saw him and decided that's what I wanted. Just had to figure out a way to get him. We used to joke that I stalked him....and he liked it! When we moved to Florida, we joked that I was taking him to there to die...and then he did. Maybe I should stop joking...lol. Never did play the dating game very much. Don't really have the desire to start now. But then, I really prefer to live a cave-like existence....so maybe you shouldn't listen to me. :-X

I am sorry that you have to go through this. Sending hugs.

The more I hear, the more I think I will avoid the whole dating scene...I think I want my life to be as uncomplicated as possible right now.

I guess I'm boring. I've never been one to wear sexy anything. My sleepwear consists of shorts and t-shirts until winter when I switch to sweats. I've been this way my entire life and see no need to change it now...especially now.

My kids and I had to move 3000 miles about two months after DH passed away and everything had to fit in two U-Haul U-Pak-It crates. It forced me to give up virtually everything that wasn't essential or irreplaceable. I do NOT recommend this method...lol...but it did force me to really focus on what was important...photo albums, his military medals...everything else fell victim to the purge. I tried to look at things through his eyes...what would he want me keep? What would he want handed down? Those are the things I kept, everything else was just...stuff.

I never realized how lucky I am...I have no money to send...lol.

I can sooooo relate to your post. I have said those same words many times, and I'm sure I will say them again. I'm not really a touchy-feely person, but sending you an air hug!

I lost my husband in April 2014 and I feel worse now than I did then. A close friend just today expressed concern because I'm not looking well. My mother pointed out that it's likely because I am only now really feeling the grief because I had so much to do immediately following his death. I had to quit my job, sell our house and move across the country with two kids in tow. Now we have moved yet again into our new (and permanent) home. I think now that I have some stability in my life, the grief has finally hit me full force in a way I couldn't allow previously. I guess that's a very long-winded way of saying that perhaps your lady friend was exactly what you needed at the time to process some of your emotions, and maybe being in a comfortable and stable relationship was the catalyst for allowing some of the more overwhelming feelings to finally surface. I am sorry your relationship didn't work out, but at least you put yourself out there and tried.

Don't get me started on those Cancer Treatment Centers commercials...I'm lucky I haven't broken my TV because I always throw something at it when one comes on. I'm glad there are survivors, I truly am, but my husband wasn't one of them...nor was my aunt..my uncle...my cousin. So I am absolutely triggered when I hear about others who did. I am just full of contradictory feelings. I generally deal with it by quietly walking away. Maybe not the best way to deal with it, but it works for me.

Watching my ASU Sun Devils get spanked by Texas A&M...sigh. Spent the day doing some minor maintenance on the motorcycle so I can ride it tonight when it cools down.

Helped a friend of mine tear wallpaper off her walls. It REALLY sucked. But it was nice to get out of the house for a bit and focus on something other than poor, poor, pitiful me. Watching football right now and thinking I might take a ride on the motorcycle tonight after it cools down.

I solved that by inviting my mom to live with me. Drastic times call for drastic measures...lol. Now she can sell her house and retire and I have a like-minded adult to chat with. Win-win, right?

It's 8:30 and still 100 degrees Enjoying some football and baking a coffee cake. Thrill-a-minute life, I know.

Apparently, they don't have a school counselor. So I left word with the principal (she was in with a student when I went to the school) via the front office secretary. Trust me, if you want something done, get on the good side of the office staff...they will hook you up. Long story short, principal talked with offending teacher and she called me yesterday afternoon. I don't think she will be an issue again and may, in fact, be a valuable ally. Turns out her father was killed in a car accident when she was a teen. Apparently what transpired was that he was sitting with a group of boys that have a problem with talking and being disruptive and she had already corrected them for talking just a few minutes before. She saw my son's head nodding and and assumed he was talking...that's when the incident occurred. Another student told her later about his twitch and she was horrified by her actions. She apologized to him in front of the entire class. Hopefully, this won't come up again. And I know she could have said all of these things just to keep her job, but I like to think that people are genuine (even though my experience in life has taught me this is not always the case) and that she really did believe he was talking even though he wasn't. But just in case, I have written an email detailing the conversation and sent it to the teacher and the principal, so I do have a paper trail. I have let my son know that if he has ANY issues with her again to let me know, even if it seems unimportant at the time. I appreciate all of the comments and support. Widow Strong, right? Yee-haw.

Thanks for all of the thoughtful replies. I have intentionally waited until I am calm so that I can speak rationally and without throwing insults. I'm a lifetime member of the PTSD club, so rage is a way of life for me and I know I would probably make things worse if I would have dealt with it as soon as I heard. I'm headed to his school now to speak with his counselor and start the ball rolling from there. I'm feeling much more positive today than I was yesterday. I will be chanting the words DH always told me when I had to deal with a bad situation: approach determines response.

I will be returning to school, but not this semester. I didn't qualify for in-state tuition until last week. I only have about 8 classes left to earn my Life Science degree, but of course they are all hardcore lab classes like Organic Chemistry and Physics. So it could be 3 semesters before I complete them....more if I have to retake courses because of the time that has passed. I dropped out after my husband finished chemo and he was in remission. We moved to the Florida Keys to enjoy life...and we did enjoy life to the fullest in our island paradise until the cancer returned...and with a vengeance: 32 days from diagnosis to death. I'm sure there are some who think I should have finished my degree, and perhaps they have a point, but those few years in the Keys were the absolute best days of my life and I wouldn't trade those memories for anything. But now it's time to pay the piper. Who knows, perhaps once I graduate I will be able to return to my islands.