twistedmensa

I have no ambition whatsoever anymore. It makes me a bit sad, because I had a lot of potential...but I just don't have the drive that I used to. I will be returning to school, though I'm not sure if I will be returning in January or next fall, to finish the degree I was working on, but with my lack of motivation I'm a little worried I won't be able to put in the required effort. I think my main motivation at this point is to try and be a good example for my children. Right now, I think I'm failing miserably at that.

The numbness is the only way I have survived. I do miss laughter and passion and I hope they return to me. In due time, I suppose.

I'm too sexy for this thread...too sexy for this thread (sung in my best Right Said Fred voice)...

I understand about no strong likes. I used to love riding my motorcycle, used to love scuba diving, used to love hiking and camping. I still do these things occasionally, though not like I used to, but the passion for them is gone. My passion for life is gone. I think it's because in order to survive the grief, I have had to numb my feelings. Apparently, I don't have the ability to numb one emotion, but have numbed them all. I would really like to regain the passion for life that I once enjoyed.

What doesn't kill you, makes you insane. Well, in my case, anyway!

I am so sorry for your loss. I am sorry we have all been brought to this site, and yet I am so thankful this site is here. Just knowing that others share the same pain and struggles has been very helpful. I can't offer a lot in the way of advice. In the days (and weeks and months) immediately following my husband's death, I was very much on auto-pilot. My memory of that time is fuzzy at best. I depended a lot on friends and focused on surviving and very little else. Be kind to yourself. You have experienced a devastating loss.

Took the thoughts right out of my mind.

A great big FUCK YOU to all of the people that said they were coming to my son's 12th birthday yesterday and EVERY DAMN ONE (including my family), cancelled at the last moment or didn't call at all. NOBODY came for his birthday. He was devastated. I usually do a big family gathering for Thanksgiving....fuck all that...chucked the original plan and made reservations at a local restaurant for my Mom, myself and my kids. They are the only family I need.

I had a really good Halloween. I set up a card table down by the sidewalk in front of my house and my Mom and I sat outside and gave out candy. I set up a lit jack-o-lantern (plastic...lol) and a fiber optic pumpkin and the little ones really liked it. It was slow but steady traffic, maybe 60 kids. I have quite a bit of leftover candy, but I'm sure I can find a way to dispose of it...lol. I packed everything up around 8:00 and went to visit a nearby friend. We sat around the fire pit with her Mom and her husband and handed candy out to a few latecomers. It was nice to just sit and chat. Enjoyed a glass of Bailey's...yum! It's the first time I've felt halfway normal in a very long time. It really felt good to laugh.

Like Jess posted, we here in Hell abstain from DST, but as my brother lives in Florida, it's nice that now I only have to deal with a two hour time difference.

We didn't get trick-or-treaters in the Keys, but we always went to the local trunk-or-treat. Now that I'm in suburbia, I'm hoping for a lot of them...stocked up on treats. We always loved Halloween, but it's not the same without DH. I dragged out all of the decorations with every intention to set them up, but it never happened...sigh. I did manage to hang a skeleton on the door. I plan on escorting my son around the neighborhood and my daughter will likely hand out (and eat) candy.

Put me on the strong possible list. It's about 5 hours away and I can probably make a mini vacation out of it.

You are my hero! I see you overcoming so much and while I know you still struggle, you continue to actively participate in life. I am truly motivated by your strength.

I love the off the grid, tiny house fantasy. I'm already a hermit. Even when I was married, I would take off for a couple of weeks at a time to go "gorilla camping" just to recharge enough to face civilization. I like solitude. But my kids need me to be present...so the fantasy will have to wait a few years.

I'm not broken, don't try to fix me. I am having normal reactions to abnormal circumstances. I am so tired of trying to "put on a happy face."

It wasn't very sexy, but I did manage to weed the front yard!! At least my yard is sexy...lol!

Ironically, I am literally in the process of backing out of an invite to an art show. In my defense, I am coming down with a sinus infection but the timing couldn't be better. I have a really difficult time trying to socialize with people. I feel so pathetic. These days, I find it difficult just going to the grocery store....sigh.

Better than being a dumbass.

I'm so sorry things are so rough for you right now. Sending a virtual hug, wish I could offer up some words of wisdom, but I am sadly short on words these days.

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. Sending a virtual hug.

Congratulations! I, for one, would be happy if my daughter just went out on a date...period!

I had a neighbor stop by when he heard DH had died and ask if he could buy our boat. The vultures sure come out if they feel they can strike a deal. When I picked up his ashes from the funeral home I hefted the box and said, "Wow...it's heavier than I expected." The guy actually said, "Just like a bag of sugar." My daughter and I shared a shocked look and left before I had a chance to bitch slap him.

Vent away, Mark! Sometimes just getting it out is helpful enough. You are my hero as far as getting things on your "to do" list done. I can't seem to get anything done. I have a full size dart board cabinet just sitting in my garage waiting to be loved again. I can't seem to find my soft tip darts, just DH's steel tip darts. Instead of just buying new darts and setting my board up, it just sits along with all the other crap on my ample "to do" list. Time for me to take control of my life. My husband fell in love with a strong, independent woman. I think he would be very disappointed with the helpless creature I have turned into. While you may wonder why you posted this, I am glad that you did. You've given me hope that I can overcome my grief and start living again.

Wow...just wow. All I can say is, "WTF?" This is so far out of what is appropriate that I can't even make a comment without using copious amounts of profanity. I am so sorry you have to deal with such selfish people. This sounds like a plot in a Lifetime Network movie. I'm not really a touchy-feely type, but sending you a virtual hug right now. Sounds like you could use one.

A few weeks ago I was also in your position..well, except for the shuttling children, my brother's children are grown. My brother went to the ER with severe chest pain, wildly fluctuating blood pressure, kidney failure and some pretty serious balance issues. He was admitted for five days. He had a brain injury in 1999 and as a result has no short term memory. Because of this limitation, someone had to sit with him so when the various doctors came in to discuss his issues (which turned out to be peripheral neuropathy from his diabetes) because he wouldn't remember what was said....or even that a doc had been there. Since I'm not working, it fell to me to sit at the hospital all day until my Mom could get there after work. I would have enough time to go home, get cleaned up, visit with my kids before I had to go back for the overnight shift. I know my kids were worried about their uncle, because the last time I took someone to the ER (DH), he died the following day. I guess that's a long-winded way of saying, I am in solidarity with you. Sure, I would like to say "Sorry, my plate is full...please feel free to contact me when my life settles down," but experience has told me my life will probably never settle down and saying no isn't something I am accustomed to. Sometimes, it just helps to be able to vent! Hang in there, and I hope your friend gets control of his diabetes. It's not something to mess around with.