MissinGrizz

It is tactless to be so descriptive before you've even met and shows a lack of respect for you.bsezy flirting is okay, but finger skills is not a get to know you conversation

People are idiots. I joined as NHVISTAS to comment. It's a lovely story

Quote: Not sure about not talking about the missing parent. It hurts so much not being able to talk about someone who is the father of my son, who I spent 20 years married to. I don't want him ignored or forgotten. I think it is healthy to talk about the deceased parent, cause they will always be an important part of who they are. Response: You misunderstood me....I meant don't talk badly about them. We celebrate my late husband and include him as a member of the family forever. Unsaid don't "talk down" about them. I include in this my stepson's mom, who is alive and in his life.

Your boys sound like our boys: new husband and I each have a 9th grader. We actually met through them. The thing is, they were arch enemies in elementary school, became friends in middle school (which is when we met and started dating), and now, in 9th grade, are back to arch enemies now that they are brothers. My son is the nerd, his more athletic (but still does video games). I also have a girl, grade 7. We just passed 10 months of marriage. I'll tell you, it's hard to not side with your own kid, especially when his has two parents for one kid and mine one parent for two. They are too old, in my opinion, for us to try to parent the others' child, but we do expect respect and can ask kids to do chores, etc. We had a couple of moments where I was scared it wouldn't work, but we're working hard not to let the boys ruin it for us. Knowing in three years they'll be off for college helps. You have a longer haul. A few things I think are important: 1. Getting them all on board: My husband actually asked for the kids' approval and involved them in the proposal. 2. Living arrangements: We also sold both of our homes and started fresh so no one could call it "their home" and made sure all had their own space. 3. Respect: We expect the kids to be respectful towards the other adult. No "you're not my parent" responses are allowed. We try hard not to step over boundaries, and we never talk down about the missing parents. 4. Time Alone: We are sure they all have one-on-one time with us at different intervals. 5. Dinnertime: We eat together whenever possible so no one can retreat to avoid getting to know each other more. 6. Chores: We try to be equal with expectations, although mine do more as they are there full-time, not half-time. It's hard to blend, even harder, I think, if you are not getting married. They may not see him as having a say as much if you are just living together. The teen years are hard, so if you can figure it all out now, that'll help. One more thing: At around your stage (6 months), we started practicing. We went on a couple of trips together where we rented a condo that had a kitchen and separate bedrooms, etc. We also started having one dinner a week together at one home or the other. I never had him stay over until we were engaged with a date for the wedding, but we practiced the family stuff a lot over the year from where you are until we wed. We also made new traditions that we all agreed upon, while trying to respect and keep a few of the old ones. GOod luck!

Sounds great. It is hard when they are in rapid fast forward. My husband started that talk around that same time. I kept trying to do the one day at a time thing. In the long run, we were engaged at a year and three months, married at a year and eight months. We've been married for ten months. I didn't start seeing him until almost three years out, although he had asked earlier. I had the school issue, too. We sold both of our homes and bought one in our kids' district. It all worked out. I would've been okay with just dating another year or two, not because I wasn't ready, but because it's hard work, especially with kids, and I was so nervous every time he talked future like that. I still remember talking about getting an iPhone at my next upgrade so we'd have an easier time texting at night. His response was that by that upgrade time, it wouldn't be necessary as we'd be under the same roof at night. I almost had an anxiety attack right there, LOL. I wish you tons of luck and love.

I wouldn't push it if a reasonable answer is given. If they want it to be teens and up, then it's reasonable. There is a big difference between 10 and 13 in terms of what they'd need to filter.

I agree, the accident didn't get me as much. The two-hour episode did, and I felt I needed to watch it, as it wove in lots of other story lines which would make me lost. I did like how it went over the course of nine months. They needed to show grief isn't over right away, but at the same time, people aren't going to watch all of their grief for the next year. This way, they show the passage of time and how the grief is still there, but we get to miss the day-to-day stuff.

Sitting by Kenneth's grave though, as the feelings of sadness and regret rolled in, I found myself apologizing to Kenneth and thinking that he should have had the parts of me that New Guy is enjoying, too. Kenneth deserved to be loved with such abandon. I couldn't help but think, as the tears rolled down my face, that I should have loved him more, should have kissed him more, should have held his hand and laughed and forgiven and appreciated him so much more than I did. YES. I totally feel I'm a better wife to husband number two, but I was with my late husband from ages 19 to 40. This is different than who I am now.

How do producers know that cry, that visceral scream when all is lost? Damn, I shouldn't have watched Grey's Anatomy. I gave it up for a year after my husband died, but my daughter wants to be a doctor and I got back into it. The car accident .... That part not as real... Derek looking perfect with just a tube so he can still die as McDreamy while my Michael lost half his face. But that gutteral scream, the cries, the shock....all of that they got right, not in the original episode but in the two-hour one that followed. Five years four months later I still hear those screams from within like an out of body experience .

I work at a high school. We have programs for financially struggling kids. Did you speak to your daughter's counselor about all of this? For example, we have a program called "Cinderella's Closet" which has prom gowns past prom-goers and others have donated so that students in need can have a dress. We also have fund-raising or work study options for kids who can't pay their fees. As for lunch, doesn't she get free lunch through your school? I'm actually quite angry at her school right now for letting this happen. Don't worry about the class ring. Many kids don't get them. As for the senior portrait, I assume they took a shot of her for yearbook (here everyone gets that at least done for free). Could you call the photographer and make some sort of deal/explain your situation? Maybe you can at least just get a sheet of 8 wallets. Then you can have one, and she can share with friends. Also, I bet her school or public library can loan you a camera. We have cameras and laptops available for check out. Stop by and ask. I'm sorry you're struggling right now. But, don't beat yourself up about it. If she really wanted to go to prom, she could have gotten a part-time job or found a dress at a thrift shop or borrowed one from a friend. When I was in high school, my widowed mom couldn't afford all of these things for her three kids. I worked three jobs in high school to pay for it all myself. I'm sure she also was angry at my step-father for his choices (also alcoholism but suicide was cause of death), but I never blamed her. I'm sure your daughter doesn't blame you either. And, in the long run, it made me a stronger person. I worked hard and appreciated everything I got in life. I didn't feel jealous for the kids who got computers and cars for graduation or regret not getting a class ring. Instead, I felt strong for having bought my own car through hard work, and when I was eventually able to afford a few special items, they meant so much more to me. ((hugs)) p.s. SoVerySad . . . There are so many consignment stores that sell formal gowns for no more money than a simple dress, especially right after prom when they have leftovers. If she isn't a senior yet, coming up might be a great time to find her one for next year.

ieh, I'm sure you're worthy of many second, third, fourth dates and beyond. This guy wasn't worth the first. I'm sorry for your experience. Rob, Your therapist seems out of the loop. Most relationships at our age include kids. Being a step to two teen girls whose mom has now been gone over five years seems easier than babies or angry exes or rowdy boys, etc. My current husband stepped into two teens, one of whom is your daughters' age and thinks her father walked on water and lets him know whenever possible that he will never take his place. Before this he had one teen boy and 50% of his time free from children and the ability to travel and watch sports in his underwear any day of the week he wanted. He knew before date one my situation. There are plenty of women out there that would find the idea of having twin girls in their lives to be a blessing. You just haven't found the one for you. I hope you both find your chapter two soon. Don't give up.

As a high school English teacher, I have a ton of correcting . . . probably 8-15 hours per week, depending on the week, not including recommendations for all of my seniors and other responsibilities. When DH was alive, I went in every other Sunday for 12 hours to catch up, and I often stayed late so that I didn't have to bring so much home. My kids were 8 and 10 when DH passed, and they HATED that I always had my face in papers. I'd bring them to a park, with papers, the beach with papers, or just watching tv with them . . . with papers. They went so far as to hide them from me at times. My older child would accuse me of caring more about my students than spending time with them, etc. It was hard. Then, after about a year, our contracts didn't pass . . . people called all teachers lazy, etc., and I realized . . . it is a job . . . my kids are my LIFE. I still work hard, but if the kids don't get papers back the next day, so be it. I make sure it's timely enough. I don't need to be department head or an administrator . . . I could stop advising so many clubs. I slowed down, and spent time on what was more important. My kids are older now (13 and 15) and I'm remarried. I'm able to work harder again and one of my kids is at school with me, which is nice. My current husband did the same thing. His ex- left him sole custody of a 3.5 year old. He was a 60-70 hour-per-week guy moving up in his company. He gave up the highest level, traveling positions to raise his son. He'll never catch up from that break, but he knew what mattered most. It's maybe time to soul search a bit.

Not only are you allowed, but I believe you are more likely to have another strong relationship when you've loved this way before.

We both thought we would but we didn't. We are both honorable people. Even in his divorce he was more than fair, not making her pay what the court ordered. And, we are pretty even in assets.

I made a special scrapbook for each kid.

I had been playing with the idea of dAting, but I freaked when I was asked out and chickened out, even though I was over two years or by then. When he tried again at almost three years out, I decided to give it a shot.....we are now married. I never felt an ounce of guilt. My late husband would have supported not only my dating, but this relationship. We had Been together 21 years . I feel certain he'd be glad for me, and his parents were too.

My kids are 13 and 15, and I now have a 14-year-old stepson. Keeping them involved with school activities helps that 3-6 slot. I teach at the high school two of them go to and drive them all to school, which is a great time to touch base, in addition to dinner. Alone time can be as simple as a walk. I vary with whom I walk the dogs so we can chat or treat one to an ice cream. 30 minutes can make a difference. One thing: don't ask if they want to hang out....just go. Often they'll decline if given an option...electronic addiction. If I just say "let's go" they usually do without much complaint, and it's a positive time from there. I leave them alone but never for more than a few hours. We regularly visit their rooms so they are less apt to doing something illicit there.

I did not have my now husband sleep in the same room with me on our trips. We just snuck after the kids slept. :-) Think about the message you want to send to your teens and decide on your own value system as well as their comfort level. Maybe after you are engaged, but just dating and with them in the next room? We looked for rentals that had two or more bedrooms and we had three trips over a few months to really get to know each other and it helped. My favorite was the condo we rented so we all cooked together and watched tv together at night so it felt like practice and not just vacation fun which gives a better picture of how it all may work.

I completely get it. As you know TFO, I was wed last summer. On the sadversary, my husband asked what I needed. My kids didn't want to watch movies or chat about him, which bummed me out. My sweet husband offered to instead, but I politely declined. A medium once told my sister that I should look for the red tail hawk circling above as a sign of DH watching over me. The last two times my husband and I went for a walk at our special place, he pointed excitedly at the hawk circling above. I can't take that joy from him saying what it might mean or what it makes me think of. So many things can be so confusing.

This. Except the settling down part. I had almost three years without. Once I opened that floodgate with my current husband, it didn't close. 2.5 years later I'm still not caught up. The 40's are an amazing time for this. And, for the record, I opened this thread because I thought it was a misspelling of kegels lol

[/url] Day we wed overlooking our back yard

I came after all, despite telling you with those others that I wouldn't. Fleur inspired me, too. See Fleur, what you've done? :-)

I married a non widower last summer. He knew my situation before asking me out, as his son went to school with my son, and he was very patient and told me all the way through that he knew I would always love my Grizz and didn't feel threatened. Perhaps he understood somewhat as he lost his only sibling when he was a teenager, but I believe there are many wonderful people who understand enough or are man/woman enough not to feel threatened. He took my kids out before he proposed and explained to them he'd never try to replace their dad and would try to honor him always and that they should always feel free to discuss him as he's a part of our family forever. He brings him up more than I do. I don't compare or overshare, and I think that's important. He's come to the cemetery with me, seen me cry and give me space when I say I need it, etc., but I don't wallow and only had a major meltdown once in front of him, when we were moving and I broke something special Grizz had given me. That's not how I work, normally. I'm pretty private with my tears. :-) I truly love this man differently but as much as my late husband. I spent 21 wonderful years with him, and hopefully will spend that and more with my chapter two. I'm blessed to have found love twice.

I was on YWBB with the same name. I hadn't planned on joining here, but want to put myself out there in case any people with similar experiences need an ear. The board helped me a lot, so I owe it that. And, I do still have pockets of grief, especially watching my son turn into a man looking so much like his dad. I met my Grizz at age 19, married him at 23, had kids with him at 30 and 32, and lost him at 40, two days after our 17th wedding anniversary. He left for work in a snowstorm, I said I love you and be safe, and the next thing I knew the police were at the door, I was screaming, and my life as I knew it was over.. I was a die-hard "I won't date until my kids are grown; romance is done for me" person. After all, I was with my husband for 21 years, my entire adult life. I heard the horror stories about what was out there, etc. I had a life full of family and friends and a career I love, so I thought that would be enough. I was asked out by my son's friend's dad at two years, and I freaked out. "How dare someone ask me out. I'm married," I thought. I refused. Over the following summer, I started focusing on me. I took the kids on multiple road trips, I lost 30 pounds, and I started to love life again. In the fall, even my in-laws gave me the "it's time for you to date speech." I went online for a few days, but I hated it. Then, a couple of months later, that same guy from last spring tried again, and I decided to give it a try. I'm so glad I did. This past summer, we married under a maple tree in the backyard of out post and beam house with our three teens in attendance. The blending part is challenging, but it is so worth it, and he understands as I do that my Grizz isn't ejected from my heart. My heart just grew. I'm now five years out. Those of you who knew me at the beginning know that I preached the NEVER speech again and again. So . . . those of you starting out, please know, there is hope. Even if you don't think it's what you want, that may change.