MissinGrizz

This happened to me, but it was my coworker's son. I went, almost held my breath, went trough the line and out the back door and promptly threw up. I didn't tell anyone as the day wasn't about me. When my coworker returned to work, she told me she's never have been able to do it in reverse and would've understood if I hadn't gone due to it being the same place. Do what you need to.

It sounds like you dealt with this admirably. You also didn't take the easy way out and pick a realty that wasn't truly for you to keep life somewhat similar. I'm impressed that you know yourself so well and spoke up. There's no shame.

It is heart breaking, but it's not fair to hold you as an emotional hostage either. You'll never make them all happy. I recall I had one wanting me desperately to recouple and the other wanting me to remain alone forever, for example. Somebody was bound to be unhappy. It's been almost two years, and if your older kids are still reacting this way, it is time for some help or tough love. I'm not sure of which; only you can know. It's one thing for them to cry; it's another to throw a tantrum and cause drama in front of others. My heart breaks for you. I commend you for putting your kids first. Just be sure they don't use that against you. Your oldest two will be out of the house very soon, and you'll be left with nothing. That's just not fair to you. You guys need to discuss a compromise of some sort.

In some cultures it's encouraged for men to marry their brothers' widow. Don't beat yourself up about it, especially since your MIL doesn't have an issue with it.

Can you hit him with a civil suit?

We are all different. I never got angry at DH. I did feel better after a year but then sort of dipped back into grief as reality set in, but it's been well over five years and there is no anger.

You are an amazing person. ((Hugs))

Somewhere along the way, I stopped thinking myself as Michael's wife. I still miss my friend and want to sit and chat with him about the kids, but I don't long for him as I used to in a romantic sense. Yesterday I read a journal entry I wrote two years out at how I'd always be his wife and would never decouple.. Today, five years and four months after losing my love of 21 years, I approach my first wedding anniversary with John. Last night we refinanced our home so we can save towards retirement. Yes, I'd say I'm looking towards the future.

Simi, My heart breaks for you and your son. I'm so sorry. Mel, If you feel that you're teaching your daughter lessons in man-choosing and independence, then that is your choice, as her mom. I apologize if I was preachy. While it's not what I'd do based on what I hear from teen girls at work discussing their moms (and more often their dads) recoupling multiple times and the pain it causes them, each situation and person is different, and you know your daughter best. Everyone, It's a hard balance being smart about the red flags and not being paranoid and losing great relationships because you see them everywhere. Don't be hard on yourselves even if mistakes are made along the way. It doesn't make you stupid . . . ever.

I agree with this, Mary. The fact is, after 21 years together, I stopped trying as hard, although Michael really did still do lots of romantic things, right up to the end. I even found a couple of little love notes after the fact (he used to leave them in random places). I sometimes feel as if it's unfair how much more patient I am with my current husband, less of a nag, more happy-go-lucky. But, then I realize, I'm still a newlywed, and while we have three teens, they aren't each other's kids, so we aren't really co-parenting, and they are teens, not young kids, so we can focus on each other more. I think we should all cut ourselves a break on the "shoulds haves" . . . as Michael would say, don't "should all over me." :-)

Mel, You were very early out with Hunter. No blame there. I'm sure it felt good to feel loved and felt like something it wasn't. I don't think you "stir any pots" as suggested here, but I do worry for you. If I recall, you've been in three relationships now where you thought he was THE ONE, and then wasn't. Your teen daughter has met them all, and now this guy has told her he plans to propose to you. I have been teaching teens for 23 years and have three at home. It's a lot for her to go through after losing her dad. None of that makes you "stupid," just "vulnerable" as suggested by others. But please, try to remember your daughter is vulnerable as well. I worry about her and what happens when this guy shows his true colors, if indeed that is what's going to happen.

Lots of great points were made here: -each one of us has a different situation (no "one size fits all") -getting spouse and steps on insurance and easier paperwork be a factor -prenups are available for those who feel at all worried -second spouse's income may matter What it comes down to is knowledge. Be aware of YOUR pros and cons based on YOUR situation before deciding. As for the statistics with marriage over 45 comment . . . phew . . I got remarried two days before I turned 45. I just made it! LOL.

He is 16. He probably prefers alone. As long as you often eat dinners together and spend some time discussing life and doing things together, I don't see the harm. Ask him how he feels about it. Also, try to help him find a social life. Then you'll both be out . . . no guilt! Or . . . if he's 16, maybe he can get a job for one or two nights a week?

Basically, if you do not wed before you are 60, you can start collecting DH's social security AT AGE 60! So, if you are in a committed relationship but chose to just live together, you still have that second income but you collect your departed spouse's social security from age 60 until you switch to yours, which will have been growing because you didn't touch it. It allows people to retire earlier. Right now the retirement age is 67 for those born after 1959, so that's seven extra years. What's more, if you don't switch to yours until age 72 (maximum), then your will have grown further, so you have a better retirement. If you get remarried and that spouse lives (which one would hope!), then you don't get his or yours until you reach your full retirement age, so retirement will have to wait if you don't have a pension or 401K or something. Now, to all, I'm going to tell a story for those of you considering never remarrying for this reason in hopes you'll reconsider. My mom was widowed at about the same age I was, age 40. Because of this logic, she never remarried. She had several long-term relationships, but because her late husband was a veteran, she also couldn't live with another adult without losing benefits so chose not to. She's now 71. She loves her boyfriend of five years and stays with him on weekends, but what a lonely life to have led simply for benefits that were meant for those who had no other option. This is why when I was proposed to at 45, I didn't chose to just shack up. I have a young daughter, and want to be a good role model, but I also would feel like I was scamming the system, also not a good role model. If I was in my late 50's, sure, I'd consider waiting. That makes sense. But those of you with a decade or more to go . . . don't halt on life for this. I'd much rather work a second job and save for retirement that way than not live life to collect when I'm older. Okay . . preaching done. To me, love is the reason for life. I was so blessed to be loved so well for over two decades. I wanted more.

It's because you get it at 60, then your own or at full retirement age, giving you years of extra retirement money.

I never believed in television in bedrooms, but my husband always had one, so I now have one. My kids do not. They also don't hang in our room to watch. That would be awkward as our kids are teens. Of course, teens mostly watch on laptops and tablets now. So . . . we actually have SIX televisions after merging our homes, but we only have two with cable, the family room and our bedroom. The others: 1. basement for Xbox for my son 2. upstairs spare room for Xbox for my stepson 3. loft for Wii for my daughter, but she's only used it once 4. a random sitting there tv that has no purpose Honestly, the only reason we have them is for merging teens, we wanted them to have an escape if needed, and we had three in each of our homes so ended up with six. It's wicked embarrassing when company comes as I'm an English teacher and preach about books versus tv. :-)

Interesting. My family sort of said this to me last summer when I married my current husband. We didn't elope because we wanted our children present (and flying five to some island mid-summer seemed dumb), but I did not want my family there. First of all, my family is happy for me but would've been crying, thinking of DH, who was in their lives for 22 years. Second, I have four siblings all with kids. He has none. His younger brother died when he was a teen, so it would've been tons of my family and his mom for him. I didn't want them to feel blind-sided, so I told them. They felt I shouldn't have. Whatever! Everyone has their reasons. You aren't even married to this man. It's not your business at all. She's not a kid. She's old enough to know what she wants.

I said no way and changed my mind. My kids will no longer get college aid and I won't collect at 60 social security, but I'm 45. That's a long way off.

Yeah ...no read these yesterday. A coworker just lost her brother, age 42, unexpectedly. I honestly struggle what to write. I no longer get sympathy cards...I send blank note cards as most sympathy cards suck. Basically , my heart bleeds for you...life just isn't fair is about the best I can muster. I think of how hard it is for me and try to cut those with no clue slack, except the idiots who tell me Godnneeded him more than his kids did. That one just gets me and my evil tongue going

They skip most of the grief. This week they now say it's been a year and Derek is only mentioned once. Next week is the season final by next year it will be like he didn't exist. Stupid Hollywood.

MrsTim and Mizpah, I also lost DH in a car accident . . . completely unexpected and shocked. And like you MrsTim, I was married at 23, although we started dating at 19. I was so blessed to have had until I was 40 with him, but that still wasn't enough, especially with our kids being so young at the time. Still, I don't think our sudden loss means we throw caution to the wind. Gracelet is wonderful and fun, but she has made "this might be it" statements a couple of other times recently as well, including a possibility of wanting to switch teams. I was basing my "slow down, Sweetie" on that, along with the way she lost her wife and the knowledge that mental illness is a struggle for this new love. I know anything can take our loves away, but that's not a reason to rush in after only a couple of dates, in my humble opinion. I don't want to see her hurt further, and there are more ways to hurt than just the hurt we've been through.

Sorry Smabify. I truly was just curious. I keep hearing how it's all paid for. I did, however, offer suggestions after my question, so I did still focus on you. I do hope your little girl gets what she needs.

I looked it up, and in addition to it meaning what she says, it's on Urban Dictionary as practicing excessive masturbation. It's too bad you didn't know that beforehand. You could have had so much fun with her! LOL

I thought Canada was socialized medicine with everything paid for and no pre-existing conditions clause. That's what was sold to us in America when they were pushing for Obamacare. I just love all of the misinformation out there. Grrrr. I understand why a GoFund me page may seem tacky to you, but perhaps one just for family and friends and community members? I like the idea of the person who said contact the place that supplies them directly. They may be able to give you some samples or a discount. Also, some people may have extras. Just putting on Facebook what you need may get you a few things. I know that my insurance does 90 day supplies, and for awhile there I got way too much asthma medicine for my son as he didn't use it fast enough, for example. As for fundraisers, community yard sales are popular in this weather, as are community fairs like little carnivals for the kids where they get facepainting and play yard games for tiny prizes, etc. You'd probably need some sort of permit for that, though. Maybe you could volunteer at the local hospital as trade for supplies? Best wishes. I hope you find a job with insurance that covers it quickly.

Whoa.....calm down. This is very new. Enjoy her and the excitement, but slow down, Sweetie. If she has mental health issues, work on getting to know her more as well for both of your sakes. As for telling her, I probably would soon or it will appear dishonest when you do tell.