luvmy2babies

I have a brother and a sister. We share a father only and didn?t grow up together and partially because of that my sister and I actually lost touch for a bit. Thank goodness for the internet, we were reunited actually just a couple of years before dh passed. My brother is in his late 30s. He lives half way across the country and we don?t see each other as much as we?d like. My sister lives just 2 hours away thankfully. She and I are both in our early 40s; but she had her children early and me a bit later so she has grandchildren the same age as my children. The three of us are quite close. She just went through a year of cancer treatments and is in the ?recovery from the treatments please don?t let the cancer come back? phase. So I?ve had plenty of opportunity to think about losing her. It?s a heartbreaking thought, more than my own pain; that her daughters and grandchildren, her mom, our dad would suffer and her other siblings. She was in remission the last time we went to see her and I still cried off and on for hours after we got back home. And I know as much as I love her, part of it is, "Please not another loss" mentality.

When we moved was the first time I had to look for a place in over 15 years. It was really hard to decide what to do. I remember living in apartments with my mom; but we lived in a small town and two apartments shared at most one wall. I never remember hearing anything from the other unit. Now, where we live not only are they are stacked 3 stories or more, there might also be a unit on two sides. I ended up renting a townhouse. Any of those near you? They are side by side; but I don?t hear a peep from anyone and I?m figuring (hoping) they don?t hear anything from us. I have a landlord; but they use a property manager and that is who I have all of my contact with. Buying wasn?t an option for me honestly. First few years of widowhood damaged my credit quite a bit. But I actually didn?t want to buy a house because my daughter just finished 6th grade and it is likely I will need to move again when she begins high school so that she will be able to walk home. I didn?t want to get too far away from sitters with this move because my daughter isn?t ready to look after my son a whole lot yet.

That's the case here too. My two are 12 and 5 and if they hadn't made cards at school, I wouldn't have gotten a card at all. My mother said she had one for me and left it in her vehicle when she came in to church; but I guess she forgot about it because I never saw it. And truthfully when I got the hand made cards from the children my first thought after gratitude was "Ugh, I hope all of the children have moms or some poor child had a horrid day." I actually asked my daughter everyone in her class had a mom after thanking her for the card. When Mother's Day comes I'm generally depleted between that and Teacher's Appreciation week. It is exhausting. This was though the first year my son said "Happy Mother's Day" and his tiny voice was sweet. My birthday is pretty much the same and I haven't had the means to do anything for myself because it's a month after school starts and the budget is depleted from summer camp bills, school clothes, fees and supplies. A former principal of my daughter's and I actually share a birthday and one year when I picked her up first thing she did was tell me all about how they celebrated the principal's birthday. Another parent was in the hallway and wished me a happy birthday because she saw it on Facebook. I think my daughter wanted to disappear. She apologized for forgetting and the parent got teary eyed. I just smiled and nod like "story of my life". And people wonder why I take my children away at times and do a variety of things. I can't depend on anyone to celebrate us...well me; so when we can, we do.

This will be our 6th one and yeah, it?s tiresome. Daughter wants to take flowers to dh so we will again. It just seems to amp up that fight I live every day?that fight against the notion that our families are inferior. It would be nice if we could hear about how special fathers are without the message that there?s little hope without them and that's been my experience.

As someone who paid over $1,000 for a junk haul away company to come by 3 times I understand. We moved earlier in the year, I had told my pastors and several other people our house had become too much for me and I was going to get rid of it and get something smaller; but when the actual move happened, no one from my church but my mom even knew until we were literally heading out the door to spend our first night in the new place. The exception was a few friends from college I told; but I knew other than saying call us if you need help, they'd stay back. I paid cash for everything including the movers and knew I'd rather spend that money than have people come over. Nothing like lecturing comments when you're actually in the midst of making changes. I remember when I told my mother that once my son was in Kindergarten and going to after care with my daughter I was going to finally have some time to myself because I have the option of them staying 4 hours after they are picked up and they can be fed dinner while there. I said I was going to use the time to go to the gym a couple of times a week because I had found a special for one near where they would be. Could she say "great, happy for you". No, it was "Oh finally I've been worried...you know you need to lose weight right?" Don't worry about explaining yourself. Sometimes people expect to be hired because they go to church with you. And I've hired people for lawn care and some other stuff; but not people who expect to be asked just because of that. You can always spot them.

We moved in March. Kids were 11 and 5. My daughter turned 12 about a month later. They had not lived anywhere else. A snippet from the blog post I wrote on it. I mean it makes sense going from two working people to one just after adding a second child was bound to cause some financial adjustments. Add to it the fact that at times I just didn't have my head together to make the decision I should have and I really had little room for error. Our home became a weight I could not carry alone. I made the most sense to find a new one that would be easier to care for and more affordable. But after being in the same home for nearly 15 years making the transition was like a shock to my system. And the question of whether I should stay and fight to keep it ran through my head all the way through the first two months after the move. Some days I think of the other house and it just feels like another loss, one more thing taken from me. But I realized this move was a gift in some ways. See, when I walk around our new home, a cute little town house in the same area, there's no traumatic memories in any room. It's not my husband's house, it's mine and the children and in several ways, we brought him with us. I realized I had fought a fight; but it wasn't necessarily a good one. My only regret was that I couldn't do it sooner. I also regret I was unable to sell it. It had to go back to the bank. Fortunately my name wasn't on the loan, which was part of the issue. When it became too much to manage; the mortgage company would not work with me and lost the paperwork I sent on dh's death several times. I came to the conclusion we just weren't meant to stay there. It was old, many things either were not working well or not at all and some of the issues made for very high utility bills. I didn't get the insurance money so I couldn't really do what needed to be done. An investor wanted the house; but because of the issue with the name on the loan, it didn't work out. I will say I had some traumatic times in the house caring for my husband. He also died in the house. Still it was hard to let it go. The new house is smaller. It's a town house in a neighborhood where yard maintenance is included in the home owner's fees. Yard maintenance was another issue. It is much newer and everything works. My water bill alone dropped almost 90% and my 5 year-old can finally have the privilege of nightly baths with toys instead of quick showers and sink baths I gave him to try to save money. The electric bill is about 30% lower and I no longer even have a gas bill. All of this was fortunate because a month after the move, my minivan went and I had to get another one. It's tough. My daughter had a difficult time at first and my son is still adjusting. Add to it because of weather delays (ice storms here) the move didn't happen when I planned and we ended up spending our first night there on the 5th anniversary of dh's death. But am I glad we did it. I'm incredibly glad we did it. My 12 year-old is already making plans for the money we are saving though Lord help us. I hope all goes well. Congratulations on your new job.

I have found that making major decisions can being on a variety of emotions now; but you can get through. Hugs to you and all the best.

Bless your heart. I think it speaks volumes that your daughter was willing to give up one of her activities. You might consider taking her up on it, at least for now. I just have one activity to deal with and it has me running. My daughter is in a city wide youth choir. Was at work today about to go to the next task when I had this feeling that I needed to read the last email her choir director sent. They have a performance this Friday. Normal rehearsal time is 5:30 to 6:30. But sometimes the time changes when a performance is near. Our rehearsal days starts early. My son's preschool is 15 minutes from home, dd's school is 25 minutes up the highway from ds's school and to get to work I continue up the highway another 15 minutes from dd's school. To get her to rehearsal, I have to leave work, go the 40 minutes to ds' school, then back track to dd's school with dinner in hand. So every minute counts and it gets tough making a 5:30 rehearsal. Checked the email...yep, dress rehearsal at 5:00. Just made it to that rehearsal today and she was actually late going in while she finished eating. I picked this group dd is in because of her gift. She has Dyslexia and ADHD and has to work her tail off everyday so having something she enjoys doing outside of school where she can shine has been really important. My son had a tumble class but the teachers came to his preschool. He is finishing preschool in a month though. There's some sports options for his age where they only meet once a week (practice and game on the same day); but it's every Saturday. There's also a Tae Kwon Do place we pass almost daily he's been asking to do it because he can see the children inside. They recommend a child attends 2-3 times a week. I'm almost afraid to put him in anything at this point. Not just because of dd's music; but some other obligations we have. As she gets older though I know she'll be busier. We'll be traveling 6 hours away to Georgia for 4 days in June for an Honor's Choir workshop. My son sure has been patient through all of this though sitting through concerts, waiting through rehearsals and all. deep breaths

I get it. In a lot of ways because not only do most of my children?s friends have spouses, they almost never have a child the same age as my younger one. So while others are looking forward to high school and beyond, my child is just starting Kindergarten this fall and I?m doing this by myself. I very often feel like I don?t fit in even though I know several widows at my church. One lost her husband when her daughter was 8. I was pregnant then with my daughter so it was 12 years ago and her daughter is an adult now. One was very young with no children and is engaged to remarry now. Another was a bit younger than me and didn?t have children but wanted them. Where I frequent though is where my children go and especially ever since I put my daughter in a charter school in a neighboring city I have felt it even more. We have to volunteer a certain number of hours at school and it?s 20; so I figured okay, 2 hours a month isn?t so much to take off from work. But it is a new school and the opportunities were very limited early on because certain tasks weren?t set up. So much that December came and I had all of one hour. This school has a lot of stay at home moms and some of them can be at the school any time they feel like it. Some of them can?t; but their schedules are not regimented by a job outside the house. Plus we would get the sign-ups by email and they?d be gone almost instantly. So now I?m scrambling to get them all in. Fortunately my boss tolerates that once a week I leave for 90 minutes in the middle of the day to go and do lunch duty. Several times I have to do things and I?m the only one there with my children because the others have children old enough to stay home or they sent one spouse and the other stayed home. I have read that statistic. When I read it was a while ago and it was 4% so I guess it has increased. And the real kicker is, there are more children that live with neither biological parent than those who live with a widowed parent. With all of the military conflicts going on I?m surprised it hasn?t gone up more. Even then it might not be so bad except for the times it feels like every commercial, advertisement, announcement or event is aimed at making our families feel inferior.

The days following my husband?s death my daughter had a couple of interesting thoughts. My daughter was a month from her 7th birthday when dh died. Somewhere in between the day he died and the funeral, not sure which day, there were people in the house all the time bringing food. At some point she pulled me aside and said in my ear, ?If I see one more chicken come into this house, I?m going to scream.? I almost fell out. Chicken, the official funeral bird. Two days after: Her: ?Sooo?mom? Daddy really isn?t coming back? Me: ?No, sweetheart, he isn?t.? Her: How long before we get a new one?? Me: ?A new what?? Her: ?A new daddy.? Now at that time she thought dh?s death also meant we were not a family anymore. She understood sometime later we were just a different kind of family. It's been 5 years. She still asks for another daddy though, just not as often.

I hope all goes well. Just moved with my two children last month and I get tired just hearing about someone moving. Hugs

I have gotten rid of the lot of stuff in the 5 plus years since he died. What I didn?t get rid of in the first two years, went when we moved recently. But among things people normally keep like pictures and awards whether displayed or packed away. I can?t seem to get rid of his keys. For the first year they stayed right where he left them. He put them in the same spot every day upon arriving home. When I moved them I put them in front of the memorial flag and one day they disappeared. Life went on until this year when we were packing to move. The junk company took out a piece of furniture that was in the corner in front of the counter where the flag was and there they were. So they have made the move with us to the new house. I put the memorial flag on a bookcase in the family room along with a collage of various pictures of him. I put the keys next to it.

I hate that I?m still so angry after 5 years. It hasn?t been constant; but different things like our recent move really bring it to the surface. I?ll always love and miss him; and I know he loved us but I hate that I occasionally question it because he left us nothing. It wasn?t that he couldn?t get insurance. He left it to his mother. 10 years of caring for him and shouldering it alone because he didn?t want his family to worry and I have to get letters from insurance companies telling me I?m not the beneficiary. I hate all this meant the choice to leave our home was made for me and not by me. I hate that we have been in our new house a month; but I haven?t told my in-laws because they?ll likely feel I?ve let their son/brother down by letting go of his house And I don?t feel right telling them just how much I?m concerned about letting him down right now. I hate that my children don?t have a dad. I hate not having a spouse no doubt; but dang I hate that my children don?t have a dad.

Yes, especially if one of the following was possible I?d hijack an existing thread I?d get my thoughts analyzed when I only wanted to vent I?d get advice I wasn?t looking for when I only wanted to vent I?d say something I didn?t want in public that could have backlash if someone I know happened upon it (on ywbb) I?d get an opposing view when I?m in no mood for anything but validation no matter what I?m writing I do it on facebook too because I decide I?m not in the mood for everyone to tell me how strong I am.

People put a time table on the effects of this thing; but really there isn?t one. And when you are left to raise children when not only the other source of parenting; but the other source of bearing the expenses is gone, you could be years down the road and still? Reminds me of all of the ?we miss him too? or ?he was our (insert whatever)? you get from people when you lose your spouse. People have no idea. None. Having to move from the family home against their wishes happens to too many widows and widowers. I?m sorry for all you have been through. I?m glad though that things will improve. We just moved, a month ago. Well, we were moving past that date; but a month ago today we spent our first night in the new place. I got it because it will be smaller, easier and cheaper to maintain. I didn?t really want to stay given he passed in the house; but I did because he left me with no insurance; so I resigned myself to staying because the financial struggles after that were to the point, purchasing another home wasn?t an option. But towards the end of 2014, the combination of the mortgage and maintenance plus the work the other house needed was just too much. I get some of the same stuff from my daughter sometimes and it is difficult because I can?t really explain to her why it is so hard sometimes without bordering on painting a negative picture of her dad. They will see you are doing the best you can with the energy and knowledge that you have. My mom just recently ?saw? when she was over at the house before we moved. She said looking at me inside the house she could actually see the weight I was under.

Awesome! I know I need at least one a year. I had traveled alone with my daughter before dh died; but by the time he died I had our son too. That escape from the day to day grind even if it is just for an evening at a sporting event (which is really helpful because you can scream and look normal) or a weekend out of town or a week away. It has been so important to us. So glad it went well.

I think I did on occasion and it likely got me through the first part of the time on my own. 2nd year though kicked my behind every which way possible though and as my life continues to be maneuvered by this thing called widowhood I go through different phases. I?m mad right now 5 years later because the illness controlled my life then and sometimes it still feels like his death has me on puppet strings. But at the time I know I wasn?t as shocked as everyone else. My shock was when it happened, not that it actually happened. I was the only one who actually knew how sick he was. He could appear quite normal if you didn?t see him often. He wasn?t technically terminal either. I had an ?at this rate, he?ll likely be gone in this amount of time? conversation with the doctor. He outlived that by nearly 3 years. He could have died many times if we just didn?t go for medical help. I knew he was tired and his spirit was breaking; so at one point, I told him if he decided he?d had enough at some point, I wouldn?t fight him. He had reached that point in 2006 and I threw a fit begging him not to leave us. While he accomplished a lot in the time he was here after that, he also suffered a lot. Not too long after that though I got pregnant. I had wanted a 2nd child; but had given up on it. Then the one night in nearly 2 years we attempt intimacy I got pregnant. I think once we had our son I tried to convince myself he wouldn?t leave us. I think he tried to do the same. He told me when the baby was 6 weeks old (on our 10 anniversary) he was going to do better listening and doing what the doctors told him to do. He was dead less than three weeks after that conversation. Still, he had had much worse episodes and other times where I felt this may be it. I would not have predicted his passing happening when it did. But his illness had traumatic frightening episodes and when he passed, there wasn?t any of that. His heart just stopped during a nap. The children and I weren?t even home. I came home with them and went upstairs and found him while they were downstairs. It wasn?t until the coroner was there removing him from the home that I remembered I had dreamt of it. I had a dream I was widowed with my little girl and an infant son and we were in a new small home and ?okay?. I dismissed the dream at the time because I hadn?t even gotten pregnant and we had no activity that could result in a pregnancy. Even when I got pregnant and found out it was a boy I didn?t remember the dream. So I saw my life without him in advance subconsciously and at times I as much as I tried to avoid it, pictured it while I was awake too. Some of it matched up; but a lot didn?t. The new small home happened. It just happened this year and not the way I thought it would at all. I will say that I didn?t anticipate and couldn?t anticipate my reaction to his actual death. There isn?t much crying. I cried a lot before he died. A whole lot, especially in the shower...and screamed too. Now, I do cry; but more I just tend to become unproductive and very tired. And I didn?t anticipate being so angry.

We?re pretty much down to special days now. With two little children at the time (a 6 year-old and an infant), I knew I wouldn?t be going often. I knew my in-laws would though so when my MIL was trying to get me to hold the funeral in his home town (an hour away), I agreed to have him buried there. Cost me about everything I had left saved after having a baby and being on a 7 week unpaid maternity leave had already. I put him in the best memorial park in town, which was (at the time) 2 miles from MIL?s house. She has since moved. I pretty much take the children to see her and we stop by to see him. Generally on Father?s Day or Memorial Day or Veteran?s Day since he is in an area with other Veteran?s the children and I will visit the other graves and say a prayer for the families of the deceased loved ones and thank them for their service and their lives. As I think about it, I think it's been about 10 months now. Last time I went was really emotional for me and I?ve been going through a lot this past year, a lot of which is a direct result of being in this life (moved from our home) even though it?s been 5 years. So honestly I haven?t wanted to go.

I did an unpopular thing among the people around me. I waited for him to decide. I tried at 2 and 2.5 and then my son told me he didn't want to do it. So I waited. Every so often I would ask him in the store if he wanted big boy pants and if he said no, we moved on. He said he didn't want to pee on Buzz (Lightyear) or Lightening McQueen so he wanted to leave the underwear in the store. One day he asked for them. He was 3 months from his 4th birthday and he wanted Buzz Lightyear underwear. He got a sticker each time he went successfully. He was day and night trained in under 3 weeks. The biggest battle I had after that was getting him to stand to urinate. I think he thought I was playing some kind of trick on him. The trials of being the only male in the house.