Sugarbell

I think blending with another person..well it’s that difficult-Just those 2 people. But it when you are mid life-for some of us...trying to blend 2 totally separate lives...with 3 teenagers..an irresponsible 24 year old and a preteen? Naw...not worth the headache for me. I’ll just enjoy the magic of being the girlfriend!

I can relate to this. It’s becone a complicated juggling act...But I’m trying to make it work. Its ts too difficult trying to blend 5 kids (and his 24 year old irresponsible son now has a baby on the way)...his crazy ex, his needy Mom...My kids are teenagers-we are focused on grades, scholarships, future. It works best for us keeping it separate. Im a loyal loving girlfriend living separately from NG. I don’t see that changing for a long time. Right now I would be a terrible wife-and it would be way too much compromising on my kids and my part.

I used to say (and it depends on person/situation handling it. “You think single parenting is hard..try solo parenting..24/7 no weekends off”. Usually got the stare or they would backtrack and nervously get away.. But I was a bitch then-but even now at tunes I think to myself “Oh wah wah was get over yourself”

Writing is very therapeutic...Write away..sort it out..get all the feelings/emotions out...the old board was almost like a diary to me in my early years/months. Your post struck a chord with me-I was once there..3 little kids (under age 5 one a baby)-and had to pick up the pieces of a traumatic death after dealing with a Jekyll and Hyde. The He best advice I can give...is give yourself the gift of time. I wanted everything fixed immediately and had a real hard time..it took me time to sort through all the new responsibilities and emotions and at times anger. It’s been almost 11 years (those babies are teenagers)I’m not on here often anymore..and life is good again..But it was on my own timeframe. Hugs to you and your kids. ❤️

Maybe it’s just the timing isn’t right? That’s where I am too. Love my BF of a year and a half-see him about twice a week-we are exclusive..I want no one else. But it I would be a crappy wife to him right now...and he would be a crappy husband to me-We both have very complicated lives. Someday not now. You can truly love this man and not want marriage/living together at this particular time.

NO. Just no. Sweetface may love you..but they are taking advantage or at the very least taking advantage of you. I delegate chores to my preteen/teens..my bio kids. At times I can be a drill sergeant..This is just bullshit-the kids need to get off their asses and help. It needs to come from NG not you. You both need a major sit down discussion just the two of you. Then bring the kids into it with him leading the way. Sorry this just just makes me angry. I hope things improve..and yes take a spa day...leave their dirty dishes and mess. (I know it’s tough to do but they will get the point) Hell fake an illness for 48 hours and make them do all you do. You are not a doormat.

I did a little reading on mental illnesses (borderline, narcissism, sociopaths) in the beginning because I had never encountered an ex so nutso! I agree with Mitzpah-it was a big mistake. Not worth my energy and don’t want to live in her twisted mind. Its really not not good to even have to talk/think about toxic people. In the beginning this was rough on me too..now it’s like she doesn’t even exist. (And no one ever brings her up..poof gone!)

Oh yeah...this is way too much to deal with-especially if he isn’t officially divorced yet...Even if the marriage has been over for years..you all can’t potentially move on while he has loose ties with her. i get the crazy ex part...My NG of a year and a half has one. The only way he deals with her is thru limited only necessary contact because of the kids. I would lay off the involvement with the kids right now. You are getting very emotionally involved with them..and it’s not your problem. My guy has been divorced almost 5 years...and I’ve intentionally limited my time with his kids because their Mom is bat shit crazy. I’ve had to protect my heart. You all should focus on your relationship solely for a while. All the craziness from her-you need shielded not involved in it. Remember...she’s his problem not yours! if he was divorced and you all remarried to each other...his ex would be a little of your problem and you would have a right to be vested/involved with his kids. Right now?? Save yourself the headache!

Stay strong..for both of you. And yes yes it’s good news it was caught early..but I’m sure you’ve been so worried about her. Hang in there strong Mama!

Sending prayers for both of them..and you!

I agree with the article...it’s why I am a great girlfriend but would not be a good wife at this stage of my life. What we run into in middle age...2 people with a demanding separate lives..kids, elderly needy parents (my NG mom)..different living environments. Right now and for some time my kids will continue to come first. I’ve come too far to screw them up now. So yeah-in my opinion the author is correct. When you’re young and building a new life together..it’s just flows. Your spouse should come first. But many folks enter with 2 separate lives that have been built and meshing them isn’t always easy. This isn’t with everyone-and I’m sure if I met a guy with a less demanding extended life I may feel different. When my kids are grown I’ll remarry..I’ve always felt that in my gut . (Maybe with NG but maybe not)..

It’s hard..at times almost unbearable..I’m at 10 years..it wasn’t until 4 years that I had a major identity crisis not even recognizing the person I had become. That’s when I made major changes in my life. At 10 years..I’m completely healed. It’s a part of me and always will be-but it doesn’t dominate or define my life. I now like the person I fought to become. You will too someday..their is hope after this.

I agree Tybec! We had a good weekend..2 days/nights away from his Mom (just my kids).. We were out of town for a ball tournament. But today he’s back to the grind. I’m compartmentalizing my feelings now..when we are together I’ll enjoy it, have fun. But it is what it is. He wants no one else..nor do I (at this moment).. But I’m not going to completely look at the 2 of us as in “ the long haul”. I’m in a tiny town in WV..pickings are very small here..and my focus is my kids for the next few years. But I’m back to “thinking like a jerky dude”. (I really hate being that way...but it’s either that or end it..and I don’t want to end it at the moment. Maybe she will run off with a farmer. I doubt it..but anything can happen I suppose. I do know I will never live out there nor take care of her. So we are what we are..

Everyday he picks her up after work..they go out to eat (so far it’s Ponderosa, DQ and Bob Evans. Then he runs her to several different stores..I know I sound jealous..but he dates her more than me. I feel like they are the married couple and I’m the “adulteress” whom he sees after everyone else is taken care of.

Thank you!!! All of you!! I appreciate your honesty and perspective. We live in the same county but different worlds. His true Appalachia upbringing..well that’s what they do. I have mentioned to him maybe delegating some responsibilities to his sisters (she has adult grandkids, -tons of family ) to step up some. The more he does..the more it’s expected. The recent will (which she told the siblings it was all going to him) made it worse..they do even less and he feels more pressure. He says “it’s m obligation and responsibility” but does at times resent it. I tread carefully..if he’s gone away for a weekend with me..Momma gets bitchey and cranky..then piles it on come Monday. My Mom tells me he can’t change..and anything I would ever say would make me the bad guy (she’s right) We did have a talk a few months ago and I flat out said “I can’t live out there with my kids so involved in school stuff”.. He knows this..I told him I’m fine being exclusive and living separately until my kids are out of school (and really I am).. But the hand writing on the wall..momma is going to be part of this relationship and she will have to come first. I’m waiting it out..yet find myself starting to slowly detach to protect myself. He on the other hand..and become more attached because he knows it’s less and less time together and I don’t nag-just make my own plans and go about my way. My son was in a home baseball tournament this weekend. His daughter didn’t want to go because the baseball groupies and players are too “snotty” (they aren’t they are just good smart kids. I sat through 4 games with my family and friends. He took his daughter shopping with his Mother then they all went to dinner and a movie. She went on and on about how fun it was and she wants her son to take her to movies more. —He’s her entertainment too. They live too far out for Senior bus to pick her up..she won’t move into town..to get paid help out there (which she doesn’t need she’s very healthy she needs driven around and entertained) would cost a fortune because it’s so far out. And his health is starting to go downhill..blood pressure, chest pain, migraines..so I’m very accommodating because I know the pressure he’s under (full time job, needy mom, farm crazy ex..daughter, druggie adult son) No solution. Just going to ride it out for a while and hope she can find some old farmer to take care and marrry her.

In a relationship with a wonderful man for over a year. He’s kind, good to my kids, my parents like him..yes he’s the one with a psycho ex..but his no contact has paid off and she’s still a problem but minimal. His elderly (76) yet very healthy (doctor told NG she’s healthier than him) Mother is extremely needy. He lives next to her..his Dad and brother died right when he got divorced..he took on all her needs. She doesn’t drive..he drives her everyday..they go out to eat at least 3 days a week after his work..he takes her grocery shopping it seems like daily. He basically dates her more than me. We can’t ever make overnight plans unless he jumps through hoops to have one of his sisters pick her out etc. She recently willed the 100 acre farm over to him..to lock him in..he will never move. He knows as long as my kids are in school I will never move out there. (Middle of nowhere 30 miles from the schools) He took his mom to doctor (uses up hisvacation days for Moms stuff) she thought she had heart problems. Nope..but the doctor put him on high blood reassure drugs and order an echo and stress test next week because he’s the one dealing with her. The doctor even said “Your mom is going to put love you if you don’t take some time off. He loves me..he’s a man of great character and feels obiligated to wait on her, chauffeur her around cause he’s the only man now left. I have never dated a man whose mom didn’t drive and was this co dependent on her adult child. I need to find her a man...she will live to be a 100 cause she has no stress (and is narcissistic/self centered) NG knows and gets frustrated with the situation...but he’s a pleaser. He’s just so kind. He won’t ever set boundaries. Is this doomed?? Should I just take it for what it is..date..but know I can’t ever be out there as a wife. (She would love for us to marry..as long as I lived out there beside her and took care of her) Shit...and I’m in love..but can’t sacrifice that he has. My parents and Mom are the polar opposite. Super independent. You guys are wise and honest on here. What should I do?

This is the main reason I’m not marrying till my kids are gone. But I see nothing wrong with keeping things separate after marriage in your situation. I think whatever works for each couple is the right thing. But I’m not a traditionalist..more practical (I guess comes from years of doing this with kids on my own)

Good for you! Proud of you B. It gets easier the longer you go...take it a day at a time!!

That is wonderful news!!!

We got the pay raise! The strike is over...announced it today around 1 in the afternoon. Schools statewide all back open. It’s been an exhausting ordeal. The guy (Senate president) blocking the raise is the lay leader in my church. My kids and I walked out of church Sunday halfway through the service. Everyone’s nerves are shot. Tomorrow is 2 weeks since kids have had school. This first teaching job has been a hell of a year! Thanks for listening to me.

Day 7 over. Every single public school in the entire state is shut down. Not a certain area or district...the entire state. This is a bizarre reality.

Started out over insurance and low pay. Ended up becoming a huge mess of an incompetent Governor..polarized Senate and corruption.They are calling for every WVian to be at the Capitol tomorrow. Hell they may end up burning the place down. I’m staying home.

Day 7 of every single public school in WV being closed. Pickets everywhere....been to the Capitol everyday since Thursday. Crooked politics coming unglued in WV...This is the kinda stress I felt during my early days of widowhood. Feel like I am living in an alternative reality.

Moved back to my childhood hometown 19 months ago. Smaller house, better schools..Got a teaching job a county away so I could have “normal” hours and live a “ normal quiet” life with my kids. Well every public school in WV is now shut down and teachers are on strike. I’ve been to the State Capitol for the past 2 days along with about 10 thousand other teachers in the state protesting. Every street corner in town is lined with teachers protesting...in every tiny town. My kids are bummed.. I support what they are doing..but I’m a first year teacher and this year has been anything but smooth! Maybe I need to go back into another field. Anyway had a dream last night that DH and I were jumping out of airplanes..parachuting down into fields..It was exhilarating! We jumped 3 or 4 times with every time I landed it felt awesome. So I guess the symbolism of the dream was not to worry...whatever happens I will be ok. Ugh!

So happy for you and your little family!!!❤️❤️❤️