Sugarbell

Most of the time....I don't "see" energy unless it's really really bad...of exceptionally positive. I saw dark energy in our house after DH died. Dark, black energy. I absorbed it....I didn't understand all this stuff then. I also see light/good energy....which I see white light around positive exceptional people/places. But daily stuff...just feel it. My house is light and free of dark energy...but I literally re did it. Looks like a Zen Rehab now...but the feel is now positive. I constantly read now on this stuff....and have more since DH died. My main motivator was with my then 4 year old son --Who knew the moment his Dad passed, how he passed and where to find the body. I wanted a logical explanation how he knew this. He's an empath....felt his Dads energy the moment his Dad passed, saw location, etc. it wiped my kid out...he became extremely ill a few hours later...spikes a 103 fever for 3 days (that meds wouldn't bring down). When I finally retrieved his Dads body...within an hour he was better. That's when I surrendered to the fact that some people have abilities that cannot be explained or understood

My brother and Ben always called me Del...nickname for Donell.... Ben had nicknames for everyone...Mine was either "Delightful Del" or "Del del my Sugarbell"--which he would sing usually when he was stoned and it always made me laugh. So I wanted a username that would make me smile...So Sugarbell it was.

It's not being a clear cut psychic...The only time I see things are with people like family....or someone I have a connection With. I love wide open spaces..nature..it feeds it. I meditate everyday... But it's also absorbing everything. Even electronics....when my energy is short circuited...I drain cell phones (to where they won't charge for 24 hours, set off security alarms at work, crash computer systems, cash registers...credit card/debit card scanners. The man I am seeing believes me....he has seen this happen dozens of times now with electronics. Anyone who has ever worked in an office with me believes it too. I have a magnetic mat at work where I put my feet on when on the computer because I have crashed systems. I walk out of the room and it starts working. Guess I absorb that energy. I really wish I didn't have it...I miss the element of surprise and have pissed people off when I tell them what I see and they don't like it. So now I keep my mouth shut and just listen.

In the past few years I have learned more about shielding myself. Also being in recovery...I knew I had to. I am into minerals/stones/crystals. I have black tourmaline stones in bowls of sea salt (tiny bowls) in a couple of rooms in my house. Black tourmaline absorbs negative energy so I won't feel it. And lots of green plants...plants naturally absorb negativity. I sage my house about once a month. My boys roll there eyes at my "nonsense" I see dark and light energy..Sometines I see auras...but it's rare. I know it is "new age " stuff....I sometimes wish I could do/see things as the rest of the world-trust me my life would be easier...but I can't change my make up. I knew there was Sonething "odd" about me when the man my Mom had a long term affair with moved to our town. The first time my family met him I was 9 years old. I saw through him. I saw things...physical things between him and my Mom at age 9. (Nothing had happened then..we all just met). I felt dirty having those thoughts and thought something must be wrong with me. Over the next few years our families became good friends and I thought I must be a sick person for seeing or thinking g these things. At age 15.... It all came crashing down (I caught them knew where to find letters, etc). I knew then I wasn't crazy...I never told anyone except my high school bf who is now dying of cancer. But I can control it now....but it took years to make peace with being an empath. It's not fun most of the time.

Nice Barney! I dislike crowds and hate driving in big cities. I do like people and most consider me a people person. They are shocked when I tell them I am 50 percent introvert...Which I need quiet time away from crowds to get my energy back up. Cause I absorb it all...and the "knowing" stuff is hard to explain to anyone. I don't discuss it IRL at all. Sometimes it's been helpful other times it's a curse. Mine has gotten more pronounced too with age. My son is an empath too...he's my hardest kid of my 3....He absorbs it all and just knows stuff.

Building swingset for the kids. Ben is on the end..his best friend in center...my Dad on other end. We still have the swing set but everyone has outgrown it except my daughter

With our boys at Easter-2006-His last Easter

This is a horrible negative thing to say...... But PTA Moms annoy the HELL outta me! School carnival this weekend....the home room Moms had all kids parents numbers....asking me to work a carnival game, volunteer (I had a legitimate excuse my son was in a school basketball tourney away) But they kept on...well since I wouldn't be there could I sell raffle tickets (at 50.00 a ticket? Uh no)...Could I donate to the 4th grade chocolate basket..or 1st grade garden basket that they auction off...could I sell a few elementary T shirts to friends to help with the fundraiser? No no and No! I don't have extra $$$...I barely have time to fix dinner in the evenings....And the cup cake Moms are putting me on a guilt trip over this crap? I swear sometimes these women remind me of jr high/high school cliques. Seriously.......if you don't work, get a hobby, a cause, a passion....outside of PTA. Sorry rant over. It's hard....solo working parents do the duty of 2 people-breadwinner, bills, paperwork, house maintenance, plus all the other crap of cooking, laundry, shuffling kids, working , etc.They will never get it. But we are amazing!!!! Like I have said before when people say "I don't know how you do it" I reply "Cause you suck and I don't".....said of course with a Polly pageant smile.

I ditto this.

Well I see both sides....as I woman..no I don't think you expected too much. You've been seeing each other since August-a simple text hoping your day was brighter is not too much to ask in a relationship. However (and hope I don't get flamed) SOME (and not all) men who have never walked the Widda world-are really uncomfortable with certain deep aspects of this journey. You had a bad night and cried at grief group..You told him...SOME men's take on it would be "She needs time to be alone..she misses her husband...I will wait till tomorrow" They (again SOME men and women) just really get uncomfortable with certain aspects of this mess and would rather us work it out on our own or with our peers (fellow wids) Took me a few years to realize this. Men we get involved with aren't grief specialists. You don't know how to handle this journey unless you have been thrown into it like us. Ugh...I know the whole thing can be complicated.

((((((((SMO4))))))))) Oh Mary....I am so sorry. Wish I was there to help...I know many of us do. But we can lend an ear and support from far away too. Vent away. Sending all of your family positive vibes and strength this week.

I now live life in mindfulness-in the moment. Life is too short. But I am the type that could be in love bad date exclusively for decades in separate houses until my kids are grown. So I am probably not a good one to give advice. I can see the pros and cons you are talking about with your new guy. Bottom line....what can you live with and what is good for you? Only you can answer ((((Hugs))))

Ugh...so sorry. It does sting I know. It seemed to hit me worse around years 2,3 and 4 too. The being left out of oarties I was always invited to when I was married. They would talk about the party (the host) right in front of me too. They don't cover the "social" aspect in widow books about being left out of the "cool kids club" Now...I have different sets of friends...some single.. Some married. What I have found now 7.5 years out...those old friends....bore the hell outta me. I am not bitter and still nice when I have to see them through kids stuff-but I would now rather poke my eyes out with a pencil than spend my rare free time with those people. I outgrew them.

I don't get the blues....but yeah I sure get tired. I love traveling with my kids...I prefer driving (like no more than 12 hours from home) We flew once...that was a little stressful ( and went to Disney.. They were 5,8 and 10) But I do get tired...and it is lots of work and preparing. But we always have a blast. I didn't vacation with them until I was 3 years out (they were tiny) and that was a 10 hour drive to the beach. First time I admit I was a nervous wreck-now it doesn't bother me at all. We are planning trips this summer and my new guy friend is going with us. I am more nervous about that. I have been in the drivers seat doing this solo for so long-not sure how I will like another adult helping me.

I am seeing a divorced man...so far we are very compatible. But more than his "status" came into play. He had been divorced 15 years, one college age daughter. No drama from ex. If he had been widowed and worked through issues...that would be fine too. My big thing was someone independent and that had their life together. That's appealing to me. Whether they were never married, divorced, widowed-I didn't care...It was more on the stage of there life I was looking for.

I was a functioning addict up to the last 3 months of my use. I lied, conned, manipulated. Even when the ambulance was called twice to my house for overdosing-I lied and told the neighbors it was from seizures. I kept my house clean, kept up with my kids (poly pharmacy...ampethamines to wake up then pain killers then benzodiazepines to sleep at night. Pretty much a 21sr century Elvis Presley. I never smelled of alcohol, I never had track marks down my arms..nothing in my nose. Pills-And I hid it. Junkies hide it until we die sometimes. I didn't lose everything...but my soul..the most important thing. I have a graduate degree...most people would never guess me a drug addict..I have a good family, nice home, etc. But more recovering addicts need to speak out...People don't just need to hear about the disaster stories-They need hope that addicts can recover. And honestly-mine was divine intervention-my family, close friends, therapist, pastor no one could get through to me. Bens spirit saved my life. Sounds totally crazy. But it's true. Anononyius People is an awesome documentary on NetFlix. I recommend anyone struggling with or struggling to understand addiction watch it.

A few close friends (friends from before Widda hood) do remember. But only because I always wish each of my kids a Happy Birthday on there birthday on FB...He died on middle sons bday (and it's the son who looks just like him)...They always send me a private message-I never acknowledge the day publicly because my sons birthday has always been the main focus of the day. And one widow friend...who I met on here years ago-we've been FB friends for 5 years...She's an 07 wid. Her husband died the day after mine-so we always remember each other. Friends in new life-not a one...but I like it that way.

Yup. Me too. Intentions are always good in the beginning of support non profit...but over the years I have seen too many made a business out of grief and "there story"..eventually it all boils down to money and ego. Mostly ego...which is quite apparent in the defensive "but I do this" type of explanation. I have seen dozens of "professional" widows evolve over the years. While I am grateful always for ywbb...it was always my example of organic not for profit wids helping wids type of place. Which it was....but darn I was hoping the "business" would stay out of it. Silly me.

My 7 year old finally got her back handspring. She also got picked for an impromptu part in her dance recital. 10 year old has been rocking at basketball...And has been picked for a baseball travel team/district team 12 year old...picked for middle school baseball team. He is also busy getting new clients for his lawn service. They have all kept straight As this year...but don't seem to want to do anything extra academically. So far they have all gotten good behavior reports at school. I could share the bad too..Lol..But since it's brag on your kid thread I will focus on the positives.

It's so hard..... I have had it seems many careers (must be my ADHD). Before Ben died...it was pharma sales....But we had just had our third child...I was on maternity leave...he dies. I never went back (He had the same job)...Pretty much gave up a six figure income-but there was no way I could do it solo with 3 small kids. Now I work a case manager job...sorta flexible hours, lousy salary but it's doable. Funny you should post this...this winter has worn me into the ground. Work, homework, sports, running every night. I am at a cross roads and strongly considering resigning and going back to substitute teaching in schools for a while. It's too hard rushing in at 4:30-5:00 then out the door we go again. Subbing I would be home everyday by 3:00. If I work everyday it's about the same weekly income I make now. I just can't do it all. For the past few months I am just a cranky bitch to my kids...they don't deserve that and I know it's because I am on overload. Let us know how it works out. Teaching at a university sounds like a great job with kids...yet I know it can be stressful. ((((hugs)))

EaSter

Something that helped me early on...I needed a purpose of charitable event with suicide prevention. I was one of the eArly organizers of a Out of Darkness Walk in our area stArting in 2009. I met so many survivors from the area (and it's rural here) who "came out of the closet" and spoke up. It's grown every year. That walk and raising money helped me. Doesn't have to be the walk...can be anything (support groups, etc). I pretty much handed over the reins of the walk 2 years ago and didn't even go last year. It was time to move on from it (my kids ages too).. But so much good cane out of it. I think to survive this mess...you need to be open about it. Secrets lose all there power when they are brought to the surface. That said...my kids all know...but now...in my life....I don't even think about Ben/Suicide. But I had to get if all out...chew it up...process it....then spit it out and be done with if.

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Great article! My first 2 years of recovery...I was embarrassed to ever tell anyone in real life that I was a recovering addict.(except on the board). I worked in drug prevention -and thought they would be mortified if they knew (when I was hired I had only 5 months clean time) One of my New Years resolutions was to come out of the closet with my addiction/recovery. It's been a very gradual process-but the world needs to know that we can recover and be productive happy human beings. Most don't believe my addiction was as bad as it was. It was bad...life threatening..I flatlined once...lost days, blacked out. But the world still sees us as moral degenerates (I am selective about who I open up to because small town/children..but eventually I will completely come clean with my kids too. Addiction is a demon. It doesn't just kill you...it tries to destroy everyone you love, take everything you have, destroy your self worth and passion....then it kills you-after it has destroyed your loved ones and everything good about you.

I am a recovering prescription drug addict...my first 2 years of recovery I worked as a prevention specialist in 8 counties. When I would go into the schools I always used cigarette smoking as an example of addiction. Every kid knew someone who smoked. And they all said that the smoker knew it was bad for them and wanted to quit. So why don't they quit if they know it could kill them? That's called addiction ( Not dogging on my smoker friends-I used to smoke) When I put addiction in that category-it made perfect sense to them. It's a disease....we have lost all control. We can't control it...just like a smoker has a hard time not smoking. I am 3 years clean now....but I make a conscious effort to work my recovery and manage my disease daily. If I don't...I will relapse and will die. I also use the Russian Roulette to get kids attention (no offense to SOSers-I myself am one)....I tell them some of you can binge drink in college or experiment with drugs when your young and never become addicted...others will have a life long addiction...Someone will get the bullet from the chamber...And it doesn't matter how smart, athletic, popular, who your parents are, or how much money you make. Addiction doesn't discriminate-it's an equal opportunity destroyer.