Sugarbell

Past weekend my neighborhood had it's annual community yard sale. I had been gone all week and didn't participate. I live in gun country. Everyone worries about liberals taking away "yer guns". So I keep my mouth shut (seriously for the most part I do)...Ifs a cultural thing. Over 30 rifles, handguns/pistols were sold at the community yard sale. No background checks, no paperwork...total strangers with cash buying guns. And some of my neighbors had many to sell and were bragging how much more money they made instead of selling thru a pawn shop. (Which at least pawn shops do paperwork and brief background checks-WV doesn't have a waiting period though).--DH bought his handgun from a pawn shop-was dead 4 hours later. Again...I am not anti gun. My boys have been hunting with my Dad and brother since they were 8 or 9. I have been around hunting culture all my life. But all of my family supports gun control.Not anti gun-just reasonable regulations. And there is a federal loophole in the law....it's completely legal to sell any privately owned guns at yard sales. WTF???--Sorry...posted this is Special Circumstances...as am SOS and losing my DH to GSW to the head...with a gun bought spontaneously...this very much upsets me. But I keep it to myself IRL. just needed to vent here about it. People get in an uproar over the legalization of pot...but any kid who looks over 18 can buy a gun at a yardsale? It's easier to buy a gun here than it is cigarettes or alcohol. Damn.

((((((hugs)))))) I hear you...I get it! Spring/last month of school always seems the busiest. It's tough and definitely a juggling act. You are doing great!!!!

I was told that if you cash it out...you get 1/6 of the pension. And yes if you remarry before 60 you lose it. DHs pension was with a pharmaceutical company that ended up getting bought out by a larger pharmaceutical giant. I have been told that employees of the smaller company had pensions slashed. Very unstable market it was in. I cashed mine in right after he died and bought a mini van with the cash. I have no regrets (Plus I had a 6 month disaster marriage in 2011 so I would've lost it anyway) Also remember if you remarry before SS age-you will lose his SS check. New husband I believe (could be wrong here) you have to be married to 10 yrs before getting his. If he also dies...I think you get the largest of the 2. When DH died our SS benefit was about the same. I will be working for the next 20-25 yrs so I never gave that one a thought.

We were a one TV household till 3 years ago. When my kids got into PS games...I bought a large flat screen downstairs and we had one upstairs living room with PS. So now.....12 year old and his buddies like hanging out downstairs watching TV. 10 year old likes playing PS upstairs (and it's easier to monitor upstairs)...Plus I don't unhook the PS (too confusing) so we were back to one TV to watch. I had mentioned that I would like my own TV in my bedroom someday...My guy friend bought me a nice flat screen and mounted it to the wall. Problem is....now suddenly my 3 kids like to hang out in my bedroom and watch that TV (novelty I guess). Thinking about unhooking it and cable and going back to just 2 TV (only one we can watch) How many TVs do you all have??? Growing up we only had one...but most my friends had several. I am just curious....We aren't home much...but it seems like at 8:00 at night and on weekends we needed more. I know it's a random question..

Nothing wrong with being in love with a divorcee....probably the majority of us who have decoupled it's been with either another widow or divorcee. That's par for the course. Going to sound black and white here.... But I have learned to think logically without emotion before getting in too deep. 1. how long has he been divorced ? 2. Why has he been talking marriage to you from the beginning? 3. Please remember their are 3 sides to this divorce....His side, her side and somewhere in the middle lies the truth. 4. Are you willing to deal with the drama? Have they slept together since being divorced or separated on the side? I mean...before you came into the picture. I see red flags. But you know him and the whole situation....as an outsider just reading this....something doesn't add up. But happy for you if it does work out with him and I am wrong.

First of all (((((Hugs)))))) Now....I know I can be a hard ass with my kids....I can also be the fun Mom. They know when the switch goes off they are in trouble. Lock up your valuables/purse/money and tell them to GET a JOB for extra money (I believe they are teenagers) Mow lawns, babysit, if old enough go get a summer job at restaurants, etc. Don't coddle them-yea it sucks that their Dad died. Validate there feelings. But it's not an excuse for bad behavior. That card has never worked in my house-even when the kids were little. Tell them it's sink or swim time. You might be shocked at how they rise to the occasion. They are behaving this way because they can. What you allow is what will continue. Sorry-I know I sound harsh....but I leave the "My Dad is dead" emotions to the side when my kids start behaving poorly. They only tried to pull that card the first year or two. Now it's never used. They know it gets them nowhere. Be a hard ass....Your kids and yourself will be thankful someday. You are not a Doormat.

You go.:.leave them in bed!!!! I have a double away baseball game on MD....so my kids will be up...but it will just be another day to me.

(((((Hugs))))) I always used to say "My mess my rules" Don't sweat it.

You know what helped me (and I still do it)....When shuttling my kids, rushing, etc.... I blare obnoxious inappropriate music (seriously when they were all under 5...I would get them in car seats and drive around on Sunday afternoons cause I wouldn't have to chase them in the car) Now I am taxi driver every night. While other kids were listening to Disney CDs....I was blaring Nirvana, Ozzy, Judas Priest,Nickleback, etc. Now they like that music (I think I have the only 1st grader who knows all Ozzy songs) So now it's Bob Marley, Widespread Panic, Dave Matthews, Grateful Dead....EspeciallyKC and the Sunshine Band mortifies my boys. And when I get outta the car I am always laughing and smiling. So stuff they do doesn't get to me cause the car music I have control over! 8) And my kids turned out just fine-Actually pretty great..and I just laugh through the mishaps. ((((hugs...I know it's stressful...but try it)))))

I know it sounds generic....but really all that matters is what can you handle and what makes you happy. Kids are happy when Momma is happy. I have been on every side of this. Worked full time till DH died (was on maternity leave when he died actually) Substitute taught for a few years.../ Went back into crazy full time work mode then for 2 years. And like you mentioned had very little social life../traveled, worked some evenings...Had no time...Bur for ME at that time I needed it.:...my kids flourished because when I was home-it was all them (they were a little older like 4,7 and 9) The past year I work full time-the job bores me honestly...but I am now home by 3:00 about every weekday-So it works for my life and the kids life now. Life isn't static and is constantly changing-2 years from now I maybe working a job with longer hours/more $$$...Bur at this given moment it works....When it starts not working I Will Change directions. Mom guilt sucks....and you shouldn't feel guilty. We are all doing the best we can whether is full time, part time or SAHM. Just be happy.

Well I do think that certain dating sites....you are more prone to find men and women looking for sex/hook ups. I would assume you find more people just wanting sex on say POF or AdultFriendFinder than say Single Christian Mingle or whatever it's called?.?....Not all.....but it seems more prevalent. Personally...I think technology in General makes men and women more prone to blurt certain things out without thinking of consequences:...Things they normally wouldn't say on a first in person date or even phone call.:. Sex-texting...phone sex....them if it goes to IRL sex without any dates/courtship....it's usually a wash that a relationship isn't going to happen. Not ALL the time of course...:but odds usually aren't too good.

All the kids name in my sons grade down. My cabin also won the campfire skit. Fabulous week!

It was a FABULOUS week! 80 degree weather and no rain. I met several new friends-adult chaperones (2 former river guides and fun hogs) and some nice Moms. I got pretty tight with this team of 6th grade teachers-this camp has been going on for over 20 years and I was amazed the work they put into it. The 2 Stepford wives...Well I polite and adult like when we worked together-but kept boundaries. They did not interact with any of the adult chaperones and by Wednesday you could see even the teachers were getting annoyed (Didn't look out for any other kids but there own...had there cabin in an uproar...girls drama/arguments-Kids feeding off that energy. My cabin had pretty cool girls....it was great to really get to know ALL the kids in my sons class. By the end of the week I had m

Eh Geez...... Nice sarcastic jabs Amber..... But then again---I am considering the source-it's not the first time (several jabs I have intentionally ignored or played off from you over the years) Believe it or not.... iRL I do play nice. Boo!!! Maybe you need saged.

Very very happy for you Mac! Just enjoy...You deserve all the happiness coming your way.

Thank you.... I have a small stick of white sage packed...And 2 very tiny bags of ashes...just to quietly leave a little bit of him when we hike to these places. It's odd...here in "Stepford" I don't have many sentimental memories of him. We traveled during the week for work even-and the kids were too tiny to be involved yet in activities/school in Stepford. The one place where we are taking the kids "Dolly Sods" is totally off the grid. Only hard core hikers/campers go here. They are going because the climate/vegetation is much like the tundra. One our second date-we camped here all weekend-in September and it snowed and was 20 degrees. We would stay at the off the wall-one story outside entrance old "motels" in this area too. Trust me-people don't travel to the areas we did from the valley. It's special/sacred to me too-it's where my parents and ancestors on both sides of my family were from...Too many generations to count. My folks were the first to leave. I joke that's where I would love to live. My kids think I am crazy-but I swear those mountains are in my soul. Thanks for listening-I just needed to get it out tonight.

Outdoor education. I am a chaperone in a cabin with 12 6th grade girls. It's a novelty for the kids in our area...to "rough it" We are going to some pretty cool places in the mountains...one place is where DH and I went on our 2nd date (weekend camping trip) another place is where we got married (town my oldest is named after)...Seneca Caverns-where we used to hike, Seneca rocks, etc. I am teaching canoe down the Potomac River (Where DH and I canoed with our dog and I was 6 months pregnant with my oldest). Most kids have never been to these places except expensive ski resort close by. DH and I spent 2 years of our courtship in the mts. 4 hours from the "valley" where we lived. Who would've thought that our now 6th grader would be taking a week long field trip to these desolate places...off the grid. I am going up have two "mean girls" divas too that week chaperoning. I swear I think I may run around the campground with sage and incense to get there begative energy outta my sacred places. Little overwhelmed going for the week.....also a little emotional. These are beautiful places where I go with my kids to nurture my soul-Not sure I am ready up have Stepfordites contaminate it (oh yeah I am selfish!!!) May sneak a tiny Baggie of ashes to spread while I am there.

We do overnights almost every weekend either my place or his..We live 60 miles away from each other. His house if daughter is with me-I sleep in guest room with her. When he stays here....he usually sleeps downstairs with the boys. Now...we stay up way too late and wait for everyone to go to bed--then mess around in my room. But he doesn't sleep all night in my bed and vice versa. It was trial and error finding what was the best thing to do. So yeah...it's rare I wake up in bed beside him unless it's a kid free night. But I am sneaky and have my fun when they are in bed (but I don't get much sleep on the weekends) Lol

I had one guy when I first started dating again (last year) do that one date thing. Then nothing for weeks....Then suddenly a text out of the blue. He was messing around with like 5 different women (I have no issue with people going out with several people-but be upfront about it) I ended up just blocking his number. Problem solved. It was his issue-not mine. The problem wasn't with me-it was with him. Lots of flaky men and women out there I have learned. In the beginning I know some friends thought I was closed minded....wouldn't even entertain a coffee date with a guy unless they were divorced (like signed sealed delivered stamped by judge) divorced for at least a year. Don't care for the reasons he's only separated (ex wife, finances dragging out)...Didn't want to even go there. It did save me some headache.

Hope he at least paid!!!! He sounds very wishy/washy....For some reason some separated men/women have a hard time totally letting go of ex. Very fickle back and forth....Like living separately...heat of moment have sex again....then get upset because one party starts seeing someone else, etc. Keep your radar up with this one....I wouldn't doubt it if he doesn't call in a few weeks to go out again when him and the ex are on the "outs".

I posted in Sp. circumstances about our AFSP Chaoter getting started in WV. I have been talking a lot with one of the state leaders who lost her brother to suicide 18 years ago. We are trying to get more suicide support groups throughout the state. Our state has very little in regards to suicide prevention/survivor resources. Our mental health facilities (and I worked at one) are really sub par. She was asking me "How did you survive those first years? How did you handle the stigma and isolation? What can we do to help survivors?" And outside of family and church help I immediately thought of ywbb. I told her the first year I leaned on fellow SOS widows that I virtually met online. Just knowing that there were others-going thru this same journey and understood and welcomed me...that saved me"... I told her I leaned on widows of all kinds of circumstances because they understood loss. They understood even those the causes of death were different they understood this kind of loss. I told her the virtual wids I met gave me strength. In my rural isolated part of the world I found strength from the wids. A few are still here...some aren't but I have been FB friends with them for half a decade. My volunteer work isn't going to be so much widow related but suicide/support/survivor related. But the board was an absolute lifesaver. Thank you.

First meeting last night...I rode with 2 of DHs friends who have helped me over the past 5 years with the Out of Darkness walks. About 40 attendees...still some with raw emotion even at 15 years out. I was the only widow...siblings, children, parents, friends Lost to suicide. I did agree to fill out the necessary forms, paperwork to be on the Board of Directors. I do not want to be an officer...but ironically jobs I have had in the pas/state contacts would be useful to the chapter. Basically...my role is more marketing the Chaoter to all the mental health facilities in the state, working to get representative from the Bureau of Behavioral Health members involved...partnering up with other grantees who have suicide prevention tasks required of them and providing materials. We have 8 behavioral health facilities...SOS support groups should be available in each of these facilities. But I wont be running support groups, or speaking to survivors or large groups...especially locally. I want my role more state wide and behind the scenes making calls from home, occasional visits to facilities, etc. I feel my skills would be useful there. Our Board will only meet 6 times a year and 4 of those Will be sky type/ only 2 a year require travel to the state Capitol.

Go with how you feel...your gut. I have met some of new guys friends, a couple siblings, etc. it doesn't make me uncomfortable at all...but that's me-Meeting new people is easy and I look at it as like I would anything (whether romantic or not) My problem is allowing him to meet people in my life. I admit I am ultra private anymore. He's met a few of my close friends..but hasn't gone to any games or be around any Stepfordifes...nor has he met my crazy family. I might bring him to a game this weekend (but my kids play baseball in the city not Stepford) and he will meet outlaws possibly my parents...God help me..

Have you tried meditation? Even simple mindfulness meditation ??

I think if totally depends on your family situation. If it would've been just me-I would've downsized in a heartbeat. I had my house on the market my first year. Too much house and yard and people would tell me with 3 little ones it was too much. At that time we never used the downstairs-all of us were on one floor. Except I had one friend...who had teenagers at the time telling me not to downsize....she said "When the kids are older you will need the space...if you downsize to a one floor one bath ranch you will be tripping over each other in a few years. Glad I listened. It's a lot of work...but my son now helps with outside yard work. For me it would've been a disaster to downsize and now the house will be paid off in 3 more years (but my mortgage has killed me over the years-but I think it's worth it)