bumbleb

What a helpful thread. I have a lawn service and hire out for a majority of house maintenance/repairs. The kids (14 and 10) have chores & can use the toaster oven like pros. They are responsible for getting ready for school the night before, setting their alarm and their own breakfast. Each kid does only 1 activity during the school year- Girl is in marching band (late summer thru fall) and Boy plays basketball (winter/spring). I go into work early so I can leave at 5pm. My commute averages 40 minutes depending on traffic and construction. My menu is very basic and we eat out once a week. I do the best I can with house cleaning, but I don't stress about it anymore. I am thinking about hiring a service to do a once a month. I schedule all our doctors and dentist office visits on one day and just take the day off.

I hit the 7 year mark in Oct. and weary describes it. I also worry that I'm wallowing again in my bitter grief and I'm not sure how to push past it. I put on a good front at work, and my kids are acting okay, but I'm so damn exhausted by the time 9pm rolls around I just collapse. I understand and sending hugs.

Hi All. I am a huge fan of this show and the movie's. I enjoyed all the movies-way back : and I really like the series. Watching Riggs cope with the death of his wife, understanding exactly how he feels, and what demons he fights- it is sometimes hard to watch. Even though I am at 7+ years, and I no longer struggle as much, I appreciate the writers approach to his grief. Damon and Clayne are rather easy on the eyes, too. ;D

It just blows my mind that I will be hitting my 7 year DDay mark in 9 days. I'm not quite sure how I will process it, my habit was just to cocoon and cry, but I just started a new job so I can't take a PTO day. I'm hoping to be super busy at work all day, I'll probably just cry in my car during my commute and lunch. That's emotionally healthy~*eyeroll*. Speaking of work, I met another Widow, she was very straight-forward about it, I really envy that. I didn't say anything because my boss was sitting next to me and it still throws me for a loop when I met another young Widow/er. I will share my "W" status with her, but not in a busy, open office, it's not in my comfort zone. Honestly, I feel like I am pre-gaming for my grief. I'm making a list of things I need- waterproof mascara, cucumber mask, bottle of wine- my survival tools. It's all I can do to cope, and that's the goal. Namaste <3

I ran into that a few times after DH died, it wasn't just guys that we're looking for the Sugar Mama train, it was family and "old friends" that slithered out. Honestly, I was a new Widow at the time so my judgement was very off and I was an easy mark. But it didn't take long for my common sense to wake up, so it was more damaging to my pride than my checkbook.

I am almost at the 7 year mark and I have to say that I am dealing with more anger lately-the kids, house, trying to find another job, lack of having him around to help share all the issues I deal with day to day. I feel like I have no one really supporting me. I have great friends and family, they're awesome and wonderful but they have their own lives. I don't have the time/energy into trying to date or build a relationship, so I've shelved that part of my life. So it's just me, day in, day out. So how do I cope? I try to exercise regularly, eat somewhat decent, and I'm trying to get out of the house on Sunday afternoons to have a matinee movie or lunch with my friends. Away from my house and my kids for a few hours. I also come here, the widda boards help and I've been debating on going back into therapy for a few sessions. My Dday is in late Oct. so I always start to feel my burdens more and it helps to talk to someone. His death still pisses me off, but I know he has finally found his peace, I just wish I could find mine.

Yes! Gawds, the flippin' posts from FB friends/acquaintances about how easy it is to prevent suicide- post a meme- light a candle-say a prayer- that'll stop the loved one who's focused on completing suicide. If it was that easy to prevent, I would've lit a million candles to stop my husband from jumping off of a building nearly 7 years ago (D-day @the end of Oct.) So, yes, this FB crap gets to me. And I'm with Sugarbell, we need more advocates for the survivors. Thanks for posting your thoughts piecesofapart- I needed to vent to people who get it.

Almost 7 years here and thank you for your words, they make so much sense the further out I get on this journey.

My DD is a HS freshman and my DS is in 5th grade, its his last year in elem. school and I was a little emotional when they started last week, I went in to work late so I could compose myself. (((Hugs)))

I really appreciate everyone's support. <3 The break will be only 6-7 weeks and I am going to start a list of honey-do's, hopefully I can get them accomplished. The roof guys will be working next week and then window replacement is a few weeks afterward. I'm planning a few day trips with the kids to local lakes and etc. I am still going to job hunt, I'm just not going to stress out about it. I'm just going to try, as hard as I can, to take everything one day at a time.

Thank you everyone. After posting here and getting my thoughts out in this community, I knew I was making the right choice. I am going to focus my mind and body on getting my neglected environment cleaned up and try to keep the "non-productive" guilt at a minimum. I did have the junk guys clean out my garage yesterday, it hasn't been cleaned out since we first moved into the house (over 10 years) and I am amazed at the amount of space I have. When DH was alive, the garage was his man cave so I've never been able to park my car there. Yesterday, I parked my car in the garage for the first time. I felt accomplished, even though my part in the process was signing a check. TooSoon, I've been weaning myself off of social media, it just adds to my feelings of perfect life pressure and inadequacy. It pisses me off and wears me out mentally. It's not worth it anymore. I'm pleasure reading and Netflixing instead. It's really nice.

Since DH passed almost 6.5 years ago, I have been in a constant state of anxiety-filled accomplishment. Keeping up with the house, the kids, my degree, work, attempting to date/have a relationship (HA!!!). I've also battled so many demons along the way, as we all have, some I've defeated, others remain, and I try to live in truce with them. Now, my contract at the university ends July 1st and I don't have another job lined up- I have a few maybe's but I'm rather blase and frustrated about the whole situation. The kids are here for most of the summer, they'll spend a few weeks w/DH's parents and the girl has band camp starting in August. My house/car were demolished with the recent spat of hail storms, I've been dealing with contractors and trying to car shop, it's been a very expensive, stressful process. I'm also back to not sleeping, I'm getting 4 hours max. Soooo..my thought is: take the rest of the summer off once my contract expires. Deal with the house/car/kids, toss in some regular exercise, maybe even throw in a date or two. But I feel anxious and guilty that I won't be accomplishing "real things" b/c I'm not working and in school, ya know, juggling a million balls at once.

The junk people are coming tomorrow. I'm emptying out the garage where I stored the furniture he built in his early wood working days and I served as his "assistant". Its huge, bulky stuff that serves no purpose except for me to pile more unnecessary stuff on top of it. Beyond the furniture, they're going to take the old deep freeze, our first "big" tv, all things that hold no value. I'm a little melancholy about the memories attached to the things, but I need the space more than the stuff.

I graduate May 20th- BBA- Accounting-turning in my last few assignments this week and finals the 2nd week of May ;D I started back to school 6 months (Mar. 2010) after DH death and it has taken me a little over 6 years to complete this journey. I am really glad to wrap this up, can't wait to get back my weekends. I've been job hunting/interviewing but I haven't had any luck yet. My current department at the University is interested in keeping me, I'll have to register with a temp agency and they will bring me in, which is an option. It will be interesting to see how my career future develops.

Thank you serpico and toosoon. Part of my uncomfortable feeling in deflecting is that I am a very honest, straight-forward person. I don't like having to skirt the widow issue when I'm interviewing, so I will work on a narrative when dealing with HR the next time. I really appreciate the advice.

Hi All. So, I need some interviewing advice/opinions from my fellow widdas. I have had a few face to face interviews and I'm doing well when the interview sticks to my technical skills/knowledge and I'm passing the HR background/drug tests, good things. But I'm flubbing when HR starts delving deeply into my background, I really dont have anything to hide- except that I'm a widow- and I dont want to explain that during an interview where I may/may not get the job. For example, my last face to face interview, the HR person really asked some questions that, just didnt feel right, I was uncomfortable in answering them. I understand (and I've done a little bit of digging on hr boundaries) that they have a right to protect the company, and I dont wanna appear shady, but I need to figure out how to deflect these questions. I would appreciate any tips. Thanks!

I am so sorry for your loss. {Hugs}

Here! I graduate in May with my BBA-Accounting and Both my courses are online this semester. I am loving the freedom of this online only semester. I started back to school 6 months after he died. It kept me focused. I'm still working as a student worker in the grants/donor office, but I really like the work and environment so I might try to find a job @other local universities/cc. I'd like to get my grad degree immediately, but I need a brain break. I just wanna work and enjoy my kids and my weekends.

So, I'm switching depts @my work. The new CFO and I just don't get along. And its not my fault, he's really rude to me and I try, I really try, to step above it. I've never snapped back at him, I'm incredibly polite, but, I could knock him out. Backstory: I interviewed for 2 positions at my university, one as front desk in the finance offices, the other one as a data entry/grant asst. Both depts offered me a job- finance called me first. But I "clicked" better w/the grant/data entry people. Since I'm getting my degree in acct this fall, I would be happy to work in either dept., finance called first. Things went great, I was very busy. Then the new cfo showed up, fired my supervisor, re-ordered duties, the whole drill. I was good with the changes, then all my work went away b/c of the restructuring. I went from being busy to nothing. Plus, the cfo was rude to me, our personalities never meshed. So I kept running into the data entry dept people and they kept telling me to transfer over, so I am. The cfo informed me Weds that he was bringing in his new secretary soon, I told him great, can I apply for a transfer? The grant department would really like to have me. He was a little stunned, and I smirked like an asshole. So the paperwork is processing and I'm super excited. I'll be over there in a week. I'll get to help design databases and work on grant research/writing and accounting. Whew! What a long lead in to my evolution/actualization at this point in my grief journey. Realization: I want to do what I want to do and I'll do it. I'm not going to tolerate shit behaviour towards me from anyone, no matter your title. And I dont want to waste anyones time. Getting up every morning and going thru that whole process, to just do nothing but the bare basics at work-no. Then deal with his rude ass-no-no-at earning barely above min. wage-no-no-no-I'm not going to waste my time. Mentally, physically, all around "my universe"-I have other things to do. And I'm selfish about my time, I have to be. It's this juggle of school, kids, family, life, widowhood that's made me appreciate, me. I don't quite love myself like I should, SOS widowhood was a brutal blow to my ego. But I tolerate myself better now, my quirks and all. It's been a hard journey, but I look back at what I was dealt with and I understand it will continue in a different manner. It will evolve, I'll evolve with it. That's all I can do.

I have actually become more focused on a skincare regime since DH passed. I have a 4 step process in the a.m. and 2 step at night. I also believe in cold tea bags and cucumbers for the eyes. Lots of water, I drink tons. And don't forget sunscreen on your hands and neck-I use Aveeno products. These beauty routines make me feel good. I know I'm probably gonna look towards a bit of plastic surgery as I get older, If it makes me feel good about myself, why not? My ego took a huge hit after DH passed and I've slowly rebuilt a little bit of esteem, taking care of how I look and feel nurtures that process.

It'll be 6 years this fall and I still have these deep flashes of anger towards him and his mistress. They usually show up together in a dream-all happy and shit. I've had two in the past few weeks, and I'm trying to let roll thru. Accept the feeling, process, let it go, all that lovely therapy stuff. I walked/ran two miles this a.m. to help. I'm just trying to cope these days and except for the glass of wine (or three on Fridays ;D), I'm absolutely boring. My daily life is so busy and hectic, that I forget most of the time I'm a widow. I have gotten far more successful at segregating my private life, I can do the daily b.s., but I don't let people delve deep. I don't like talking about it or him outside my inner circle. I talked about his suicide for 18 months worth of therapy- its tiring now. I have actually said that to a few folks when they start asking too many questions. A Spring classmate asked me how my husband died, I said Crohn's instead of suicide. She is a delicate, sweet thing, and I think she would've fainted. Plus Crohn's did ultimately lead to his death, the diagnosis began his serious descent into severe depression. It's irritating how much energy his death has required of me these past few years. To process it enough so I can be somewhat adjusted and functioning as an average human being.

My kids are 9 & almost 13. I quit my well paying job after the girl was born. Juggling an infant, work and a husband who was battling Crohn's (but very successful in his career) took to much of a toil. We always decided that I would wrap up my degree when the kids were in preK. He died when the boy was 3 1/2 & girl was 7 1/2, I had just started the enrollment process back into a jr. college. So, that's what I've been doing. It's been a lifesaver, forced me back into the "real world" slowly while the on-going processing of my grief. So, I've interviewed and attended various college job fairs. It's helped me figure out what the basic qualities I want in a job. My first requirement: location, location, location. I cant be more than 30 minutes from my house in a normal commute. Luckily, I live in a maj. metro city so I have a variety of options. I just cant have a long commute. I've been offered fantastic positions w/Fortune 500 orgs. I'm getting my degree in accounting, but my work background is in broadcast news & pr. I'm gonna be an accountant who can communicate. ;D But those positions demand long hours & travel, I cant wait to be at that level- I look forward to it, but right now, I'm just not there. I feel like I need to spend as much time with my kids as possible, so I'm looking for an 8-5 position. I get that I'll have to work longer hours during tax season and etc. but I'm cool with it, my kids understand it. I'm thinking I might hire a nanny for after-school care, I don't have any family in the area. So much damn stuff to do all the time. Calgon, take me away!

Hi All. I found ywbb.org a month or so after my DH completed suicide late October 2009. I lurked on those boards for years, finding strength and solace within the Widda world. I admit I felt a little adrift with the closing of ywbb.org- I'm very glad that I am able to re-connect with fellow SOS survivors and other widows again.