StillWidowed

A client of ours wants to meet me tonight for drinks. I'm going, but it will never be anything more than casual. I'm going so I can practice my kissing skills. It's been awhile. I'm getting rusty.

I'm off the site for now.

Well I canceled both dates to be safe due to a situation that happened earlier in the month but has recently escalated into harassment on the dating site. I'm on hiatus since I don't know if the nut job is contacting me under other fake profiles. So until this guy gets bored and moves onto someone else, I'm too freaked out to chance it.

This weekend is a finance guy (widower) and an engineer. We'll see..........

The RN was very nice, but no connection. The pharmaceutical guy canceled and the Daytrader seemed to have an anger problem....lol

Yep, been there done that. Any went back and forth with an emotionally unavailable man for way too long. All I did was hurt myself further and waste more time. Hang in there. (((Hugs)))

Yes, everyone is entitled to some ice cream after a breakup. My problem is that I feel I'm entitled to ice cream simply because it might be a Tuesday! Healing thoughts and hugs to you.

Unfortunately, there is no solution. Just time. And lots of it. I remember hitting a huge grief wave at 2.5 years and feeling like I was never going to feel better. But I did. Slowly but surely. But when you're in it....oh man is it hard and feels endless. You won't feel like this forever and now with 10 years creeping up on me, I'm happy. No relationship. Just happy with my life, friends, family and job. And I had some knocks in the last couple of years. So when you feel like you're slipping down, tie a knot in that rope and hang on some more. It will get easier.

I agree whole heartedly with Sudnlysngl as well. I had those same feelings when I started to date again. So I took it off the table and took more time to grieve. After several months I tried again. Nope. Still wasn't ready. And I did this a few more times until I was ready. And when I was ready, I knew it. Trying to date, recouple, all of it is hard after loss. But for me personally, I needed to heal more than I realized before I was ready to really be with someone. I knew it wasn't fair to them if they wanted more than I was able to give. Good luck to you all.

Well this week I've got an RN meet and greet on Wednesday, a biotech pharmaceuticals salesman on Thursday and a day trader over the weekend. Should be interesting. I'll let you guys know if I have any good stories!

Faye.....you're right...some are hoping sex will make the man fall in love with them...and others are just looking to get laid. I know both types. That article made some valid points I'm sorry to say. And not just for millennials. I'm in the trenches. I've seen a lot of what the writer is writing about. So unfortunately, it's not just her experience. It's tough. A lot of weeding. Trying to find that elusive chemistry. But lately, I AM seeing some women that are hitting desperation status. They're getting older and the pressure is on. So unless you're a 50 something year old woman, it might be hard to understand. On one hand it's wilding entertaining and on the other is just plain sad.

Great article Virgo. And it's so true. I'm looking to date. Get to know someone. Have them get to know me! Everyone is in such a hurry to jump into bed. I'm not looking for casual sex. And if I'm not willing to do that, there are 10 women in line behind me that are. Lately I keep getting "you're so pretty, how are you still single?". Well, because I'm not interested in just a penis. Geesh. Feels impossible some days. Oh well. I just keep on keeping on. If I'm meant to recouple, the right one will come along.

Virgo......that Jim guy? I don't respect him one ounce. That's wonderful that he told you where his mind is. Did he tell the woman he's seeing and unsure about that he's looking to get laid on the side? She might want that information so she can make sure she's protected from STDs. Oy vey! But you stay safe!

Arneal, if that worked for you then great. I'm more of the mindset that people need to take care of business with that last person they were with, before they start getting involved with the next. I literally sat at a dinner with girlfriends the other night. The one is a sister of another girlfriend, so I haven't known her very long or well. She proceeded to tell us that she's going to be getting a new roommate hopefully (she had her fingers crossed) in a week. The man that she had been seeing for 4-5 years (the very much married man) was finally going to leave his wife and move in with her (fingers crossed). I sat there stunned. When did women get so freaking stupid??!! He tried to leave his wife a couple years ago, but she got breast cancer (not even sure I believe that story) but now he's finally going to do it (fingers crossed). She said he's just wonderful and perfect and I've never felt this way about a man ever. I swear I tasted blood in my mouth I was biting my tongue so hard. Another woman at the table left her husband for a married man that promised he was going to leave his wife too. Over ten years later, he's still married to his wife and my girlfriend wasted a lot of good years waiting for that jackass. So, I say all that to say this.....I'm not going there. I don't care how long they've been apart, how much he says he doesn't love her anymore...yada yada yada. Make the split, handle your business and get the damn divorce. THEN go on a dating site. Geesh

Ok, I've got one. Met a guy last week. Honestly, tall dark and handsome. Corporate position for FedEx. Start out chatting about the usual stuff at the bar over wine and then we order food. He wanted to taste my scallops when they came. So we chat, ask how many kids, how long divorced....whoops....there's a snag. Says he's separated. I am a little taken aback since his profile clearly stated SINGLE. I ask about this new discovery of mine. He says he told me he was separated. I said...ummm...no ya didn't. He scrolls back thru our conversation as do I. Yep, no mention. Well now he's pissed. I ask why he put single when clearly he isn't. Now he's more pissed and said he didn't like my tone. It was condescending and judgmental. Well, now he's pissed me off. I explain that what he put was misleading and some women might not question it and then become romantically involved and what's stopping you from going back to your wife? Well, that must have done it. He told me he didn't come for a lecture and, check please. I then proceeded to get my purse and told him since he was so rude and lied, now he could have all my scallops and walked out. I don't even get worked up over this kinda stuff anymore. If you're going to date, especially online dating, you've GOT to have a thick skin. I was just bummed I only got to eat one scallop! They were really good! Jackwad

Wonderful post LF. I too know that healing does happen. No boyfriend, no dating even, but life is good and my plate is full. I hope to recouple one day, if that's God's will for my life.

Thanks for your replies and insight. To clarify, am I forever changed? Yes. But not in a hopeless, tragic way. Those early days and even years of vulnerability, uncertainty and fear are gone, therefore I do feel like my old self in those regards. My sense of humor (as warped and politically incorrect as it can be at times) has returned. Joy has returned. My life is full and I'm excited for the future. I'm not in a relationship....not even dating at the moment, but there is a calm and security I didn't have in those early years that has also returned. Can I do this life on my own? You betcha. Would I rather do it with a man that I love and is my best friend? Of course. I hope that's in my future. But for now I will live my life fully and enjoy the fact that grief no longer has me by the short hairs. In fact, it's looking more and more like a distant memory. And I hope that gives encouragement and hope to those reading this that are newly widowed.

I'm reading about grief and dating and many wids are only a couple years out. I'm curious about other wids that are further out and how they feel now compared to those early years. Looking back, I remember thinking I was ok, only to now see that I was still very much grappling with my new life and trying to make sense of it. At 3 years I started to feel lighter. At almost 4 years I got into a relationship (that didn't last) and I remember 5 years hitting me harder than I thought it would. Only at 7 years did I feel like the old me. I know grief is a very personal and unique journey, but I can't help but think that I was way behind the curve. Thoughts and experiences?

I don't have a compulsion to look for them anymore either Paul. I did the online dating thing, and maybe I will again. But for now, I'm just not interested in doing the work that it takes to date. I hope instead, to meet someone organically and get to know them as a person and see where it goes.

The thing I've learned after grief, loss, dating and one screwed up relationship, is that if you get that nagging feeling in your gut, listen to it. If a man doesn't have some kind of empathy and can't at least admit to not understanding, then give pause. If he's willing to listen to your answers with empathy and understanding, great. Just tread carefully and LET HIM UNFOLD. We need to slow down and find out who exactly we're dating before we get our hearts involved. Just sayin'. Portside, I think those of us that are further out sometimes forget how it was in the beginning and the patience we lacked when we were still grieving. At two years out, I was still very raw. But I dig your responses whether I agree or not. BTW, I love C.S. Lewis.

Can't do it. This must be why at closing in on ten years, I'm still not recoupled. I understand there needs to be compromise and understanding and all that good stuff. I mean I was married before so I do get it. But, I also see a pattern with people where they are more than willing to put up with....well.....bad treatment. Communication problem? Maybe. More like passive aggressive behavior. Are you lonely? Yep. Are you desperate for companionship? I think a little bit with some people. And I get it. I really do. I miss it too. I fell hard for a man after DH. Started out great, then slowly but surely lowered my expectations. Huge chemical reaction when I'm around him. Ran into him months ago and wound up in bed with him. Guess what? Nothing has changed. So I walked away hurt with feelings of being used. I was crazy about this guy. Am still not able to shake him. So I blocked him. Stay away from places he might be. Did all the right things and guess what? I ran into him anyway in the middle of nowhere. Was it painful? Yep. Did I want to grab him and run off with him? Yep. He realized I'd blocked him so he contacted me on Facebook (we're not even friends on there). So I blocked that. I deserve more. Is there a perfect man? Of course not. But if it's in the cards for me, I will wait for one that treats me with love and respect. So in the meantime, I fill my life with friends and family. Does it compare to love and romance and sex and companionship? Absolutely not. But it can't be at the cost of my heart and self respect anymore. Just can't do it. Much love to all that are struggling with this new life and relationships.

Thanks ladies. I fell hard and fast for this guy. Many years of back and forth and I still can't completely shake him. I think that's where the danger lies. Every time I engage with him, it puts my heart at risk.

Well, I had to see the emotionally unavailable guy this past Christmas for a work event. He of course texted me and we wished each other a happy holiday. Then two months later he texted me on HIS birthday. Yes, his. Not mine that was a couple weeks before. But his. So like a dumbass, I responded.....yet again. We texted back and forth for a few days here and there. Nothing major. Nothing important. Then he asked me to meet him for a drink. Like a dumbass (again), I ended up meeting him. When I walked into the restaurant bar, he walked up to me and kissed me full on in front of God and everyone. SOB, I went weak in the knees. We had a couple drinks, a few laughs and wound up in bed together. The sex is unbelievable. Chemistry like I've never had. He texted me good morning the next day. A few more texts back and forth and he was right back to his same old shit. Shocking right? No, not really. But the one thing I did realize is that I am NOT stronger than the pull that I feel when I am in contact with him. Sometimes we want to strut around and say we're over someone or that we won't ever go back to or engage with.....blah blah blah. So instead, I got really honest with myself. I admitted this guy is my kryptonite, and I needed to stay completely away from him. And I've given myself permission to admit that weakness. I've had him blocked for 3 months now (something I've never done) and decided that he will never use me again. I pray I don't run into him anywhere or if I do, it's with no makeup, sweats and snot running down my face. The End

Literally just came across this answer in Dear Annie from another woman with a very similar problem: Dear Mommy's Third Wheel: After printing a similar letter in the past, I heard from many readers who have dated men with controlling mothers. Their consensus: Until the man cuts the cord from Mom, any romantic relationship he has will be severely constricted. Some have even told me that this issue ended a marriage. I share all this not to scare you but to reassure you that yes, this is a big deal. And yes, you do have to talk to him about it. You're not making him choose between the two of you. If she decides to frame it that way, that's her issue. You're simply asking him to set better boundaries. If he's not sure where to begin, a book on this subject, such as "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents," might offer some guidance. If he's truly a match, he won't let his mom's unhealthy attachment destroy the connection you have.

I still love my late husband, but I don't have that deep grief or longing to be with him anymore. For me, I truly believe I've healed. Now.....to remarry? I don't think so. It's been so long now that I'm really getting used to my "me" time. If I don't want to cook, I don't. If I don't want to do laundry, I don't. If I want to go to bed at 9 PM I do. If I want to go to bed at 2 AM, I do. You get the picture. But the funny thing, is that I wonder if I feel this way because I'm not meeting anyone I would even consider a second date with, let alone long term. I did fall in love again after I lost my husband, but that was short lived and a colossal fail. Looking back, I doubt it was even a relationship. I'm ok by myself. I used to get those loneliness pangs, but not so much anymore. I think it's made me that much more selective. Like the guy really needs to knock my socks off, or I'm not bothering. I hear of all the compromise, and blending, etc., and all I want to do for the most part is take a nice long nap! But then I think, will I regret not dating and giving love another chance some day when I'm old, alone and in my rocking chair? Oh the dilemma!