StillWidowed

Sandrine, I experienced the same thing. I thought I could never hurt more than losing my DH. But I fell for a man and he broke my heart. In some ways it was worse. My DH didn't want to leave me. My ex bf did. Rejection and watching them move on with someone else is very painful.

Sandrine, take the time to grieve the loss of this relationship. Cry, eat ice cream, whatever it takes. Then pick yourself up and start doing social things again. Meet up with friends. Go to local festivals, events, etc. Spend time with family. You can do this. You're strong and you've been thru so much. You will survive this and forge forward. (((hugs)))

Sudnlysngl I can't wait until you get the hell out of there too! Hang in there!

I agree Bunny. I was glad he was helping out. Many little boys don't have the gift of a grandfather stepping in when the father is absent. We had been talking awhile and besides the normal what do you do for a living, hobbies, kids, etc., those were the only two questions I asked about his personal life. And with justification since he's the one that brought up his living arrangement. So when he immediately claimed I asked too many questions, my spidey senses were up. I do have to disagree with the menu selection tho. Hamburger Helper, I get it. Steak and lobster? I'm suspicious...hahaha

So I started chatting with a guy online, and then it moved to text. We'd been talking for a while, nice guy, very nice looking, good job, etc. So as we get to know each other better, the subject of living arrangements comes up. He tells me his grown daughter and her son (age 7) live with him. She was in an abusive relationship and is now kinda messed up. Paranoid. Locks doors all the time, even when he's out walking the dog, etc. I ask if her mother (his ex) is in the picture and he says kinda. She's an alcoholic and he's had full custody of his daughter since she was 12 (she's in her late 20's now). I ask if that was his only marriage and he says yes, and that I ask too many questions. Wait, when you're getting to know someone, you ask questions, so you get to know someone...I thought? Red flag number 1, or is it number 2 with this whole living arrangement of his. Ok, I get it. You're helping her out, but how does dating and a girlfriend fit into all this. Then when we were chatting on Saturday night, he tells me he got home from the gym and she cooked him steak and lobster for dinner. Hmmmm. Now it sounds/feels kinda.....well.....creepy. Like he's the substitute dad for her son and she's the substitute wife/girlfriend for him. It just all felt so weird. I was out.

Then I’m happy you’re happy. Much love to you (((hugs)))

In all the years DH and I were living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, and doing life together, never did we go a day without communication. Maybe I'm missing something, but when you're living with someone and sharing your life with them, isn't it the same thing as marriage without the legal document? If I were traveling or he was traveling, we always checked in with each other daily. I think the majority of people in loving relationships would WANT to do that. Arneal, I think if given the choice, you'd choose that over not hearing from him for 2-3 days or more. I'm just feeling bad about your situation. Not judging it.

If I lived with a man and was traveling and away from him and I’m not hearing from him for 2-3 days, to even check to see how I am, come on! It has nothing to do with HAVING to have contact or confirmation of love. It does have to do with the other person WANTING to show that they love you enough to check if you’re still alive!

Oh Arneal, I'm sorry, but your post broke my heart! You live with this man, share a bed, your body and heart with this man, and he hasn't been in touch with you since Monday? I couldn't be happy if that's what it looked like for me. Please be kind to yourself. ((((Hugs))))

I'm so sorry Tybec. I know this is difficult. Take the time to grieve the relationship and the hopes you had for it. Lean on us here. We love you <3

So I'm driving in the car with girlfriends (we're all in our early 50's) the other day, and we're talking about our one girlfriend's mother in law. M-I-L had remarried and so I ask..."how old is your M-I-L again"? She said 72. And I then asked "how old is her husband"? She replied 82. My other girlfriend then reaches over, pats me on the leg, and says "see, there's still hope you'll find love". Now this is the girlfriend that I mentioned in another post that went over to her pot smoking, used car salesman of a boyfriend's house to cut his grass so she could spend time with him. You know, you just have to chuckle at people. One person's Prince Charming is another person's....Oh hell no!

I agree Mrs. Dan (and it's wonderful to see you again). My concern is for the women that are in relationships where the man is not as invested emotionally as she is. That's when hearts get broken and self esteem damaged. It can become a game of am I good enough, am I doing enough, what can I do to make him want me more? I see it all too much and was even there myself. Love, romance, dating, relationships, all of that was very different for me after the death of my husband. There was a vulnerability that I never had before. Ten years later, I'm in a much healthier place and don't have those feelings of being lost anymore. I've been doing life alone for quite some time now, therefore I know I don't have to settle. I can wait for the real deal.

And there it is. And unfortunately, many women are NOT in interdependent relationships. A lot are in co-dependent relationships. Case in point. My girlfriend's boyfriend wasn't spending much time with her, so she went over to his house and cut his grass so she could get a couple hours with him. Ladies, it's ok to be alone until the right one comes along. Really it is!

Yeah, I want a man to be “all in” with me. Does it look the same as when we were in our 20’s? Of course not, but do we still know when the other person is all in? You bet we do. Feelings are considered, compromises are made. I see many women that want all in and are settling for part time. It’s sad.

Wait, I'm confused. How are you in the driver's seat if you have to meet all of his terms in order for him to marry you next week? Doesn't being in the driver's seat mean that he meets all your terms and agrees to put you and your needs above all his family stuff? If he gave you all the things you needed, would you marry him?

I understand what you're all saying. But I guess my question is this....deep down....like deep deep down inside, wouldn't you rather be in a full time committed relationship? Are you sure you gals aren't settling for less than what you really want, but won't admit? Please know that I'm not judging because I was in a relationship very much like the ones mentioned. I just know that when I was in that similar situation, I told myself for a long time that it was ok. I would have my life and he would have his, and when we could work it out and be together, we would. But deep down I was very unhappy with the amount of time we were together. And for a long time I wouldn't rock the boat, because I didn't want to risk losing him. I longed for more, but he wouldn't commit to it. I was available, but he wasn't. Just make sure that these busy lives and working out the details with children, distance, etc., aren't a guise for one/both of you being emotionally unavailable.

I have a girlfriend that is in a relationship and it's the same thing for her. She has her life and he has his. When they do get together, it's for dinner and a roll in the hay. Am I missing something here? Is this what dating and/or relationships are like now at mid life? Clearly, I'm not doing either (dating or a relationship) and I think this is why. I want a man that will be a part of my life. Everyday in everyway. I know it's possible. I mean I was married once before. I had a relationship that was part time in the past. Never again. I felt taken advantage of and used. A guy's either got both feet in, or both of mine are out.

Don't do it

I'm with Eddie. I didn't feel healed until 7 years. But that was little by little. When I was at two years, I was still very raw. Two years is still considered newly widowed in my book. At three years I started to feel lighter. Not healed, lighter. So please know that what you're feeling and experiencing are very "normal". Society has an unrealistic idea on grief and the time it takes to heal. Just watch a Hallmark movie. The newly widowed woman or man always bounces right back and finds love again in just two short hours! Ahhhh......if grief were only that simple.

Bunny you are right. My apologies as I look back thru the thread and saw my last post. My post expressed my thoughts on the fact that I'm not dating anyone at the moment and the feelings that went along with that. But not being in a relationship, yet still wondering if it will be down the road, is different from deliberately choosing not to date and recouple, and feeling secure with that choice. Thanks for bringing this thread back to it's original intent.

Arneal, I think you want more from your relationship, but not willing to rock the boat too much. I understand that your guy might not think or celebrate events like you do, but to be in a loving, committed relationship, it's realizing that what's important to your partner should be important to you too. Out of love for that person, you would want to do those things for them that make them happy. Please make sure you're with him for all the right reasons. Of course there is give and take and compromise, but make sure you're not accepting crumbs when only a loaf will do. Much love to you. Really. This is hard.

I'm going to come at this from a different angle. I don't want you to ignore him. He's poisoned you, pulled a gun on you and stole all your money. Don't engage with those two whatsoever, but I do think you need to document every single action they make that involves contacting you, posting about you, or driving by your place. I'm not trying to scare you, but be smart, be safe and document everything . Tell your daughter where the documentation is located. Be aware of your surroundings coming and going from your trailer or anywhere else for that matter. I'm glad you have a dog. They're great alarm systems. Maybe I watch too much Dateline, but better to be safe than sorry.

Redhead, my first (and only) relationship post widowhood was a painful breakup as well. It took a lot of time to put it behind me, with some getting back together, breaking up, and sleeping together once after over a year being apart. I thought I would NEVER move on from that guy. But I did. And I spent time alone again. Healing, and creating a happy, secure, enjoyable life for myself. Take the time to grieve and heal. It's so important. I'm glad I did after my husband died and I'm glad I did after my relationship breakup.

Hey Virgo. I did. We might get together again in December when he's back in town. Really nice guy. On another note, I met a man last weekend. We hit it off instantly, PLUS I was attracted to him (this almost never happens). We're going out again this weekend. The only drawback is that he's recently divorced. He seems interested, but I'm being cautiously optimistic. Not up for being the rebound girl.

Early dinner, late dinner? You go!