StillWidowed

Nah.......I've met nice men too, but no attraction. I just won't settle. Case in point.....I saw a gf of mine at a concert that I hadn't seen in awhile. She told me who she was dating and this was a guy I had run into a couple of times. I instantly knew he was the kind of man that expected the woman to do all the chasing. That isn't me. So there's my gf and I chatting and I asked where he was. She said the bathroom. All of a sudden she says she had to go and as I looked down the hallway (as she literally ran after him) I saw him nod his head to her (irritated) like let's go! He started walking out. Didn't wait for her to catch up. Didn't come to her and say hi to us. Nope. It was a come on woman! type of thing. I'll take single over that bullshit any day. ;D

So I'd been chatting to a guy for a little bit as he was out of the country on business. Btw he let me know he was wealthy. : We got along fine and set up an evening to meet for a glass of wine. As we are chatting and getting to know each other, he proceeds to ask me "when's the last time you had sex?". I tell you, some of these guys are something else. If you saw my other post about women not liking sex, I assure you this wasn't the guy I mentioned in that post. Nope, this is another one. Ugh!!!!!

I am so very very sorry for all the pain you're going thru. Both emotional and physical. I'm so glad your ex-husband is out of your life. It's now time to concentrate on you. Have you considered counseling to help you untangle from all of this emotional abuse? If not, I highly recommend it. Of course, continue to come here and unload. We're all here for you. When I was reading your post, I have to be honest and say that one of the first things I thought is that he was poisoning you before you even mentioned HIM making that comment watching TV. Please make sure you've exhausted every possible avenue of testing. Right now stay close to the people you KNOW you can trust until some time and healing have occurred. You did the right thing by leaving that man and his toxic family. You're back to one hour at a time. Remember to rest when you can and to stay hydrated. I'm sending you much love.

That's a good point SunshineFL. I'm not coming at this from being recently widowed or raw. I'm closer to ten years out. And at my age, and with menopause, etc being a real factor, many women do have less desire and energy. So I didn't get my back up so much about it as I found it more interesting. Like I said, is it a mistake to bring it up so soon? Absolutely. So I thought it would be interesting to kinda take a poll and see how others feel about it. I do believe had I come across this man so soon after being widowed he would have immediately been disqualified. This far out, I didn't immediately dismiss him, I kept him around for a little bit to delve deeper into the male psyche. Whether he had a legitimate complaint or was just being a dog's ass, maybe a bit of both, it absolutely turned me off. I'll continue to remain on my own until I meet the one that I know will love and cherish me and not ask me if I like sex in the first few exchanges.

I really find all these opinions interesting. Abitlost, I really liked your comment. Unfortunately, my ex-boyfriend never brought up sex either in the beginning, but was a major asshole in other areas........

Not all men tho. Just read Dear Abby once in awhile. Many men have written to say that their wives have declared that sex is off the table. These men are heartbroken and very much in love with their wives and have done everything possible to put the spark back into their love lives. From household chores to taking care of the kids to romantic getaways. The women just aren't interested. They love their husbands but would simply like to cuddle from here on out. I think there are a lot more out there than we'd like to believe. Now are the legitimate men making a mistake by asking right away if a woman still likes sex? I think so. But I do believe there are men that truly miss that and want sex in their lives again. And of course there are the dogs that are just looking to get laid and want to know sooner rather than later if that steak dinner they just bought you is going to be worth the cost.

I do believe that a lot of men have been in sexless relationships. As a woman heads into menopause, it does affect her libido and many women have told me they're so busy fighting hot flashes and sleepless nights, that they don't have the energy or desire for sex. So I do believe there is a lot of that going on out there and men have either been married to or been in relationships with these women. For the men that have asked me that, when my response has been that yes, I enjoy sex, but within the confines of a committed relationship, that automatically weeds them out. I give them the chance to show me where they're really coming from. Some have stuck around and gotten to know me, and others have bailed. Just thought it was interesting.

So I have a question for you wid daters out there. I'm getting a lot of men stating that they are running across women that don't like sex. Mind you, I'm talking about women in their 40's and 50's (my age range). The men aren't creeps, but feel the need to ask pretty quickly if I still like sex. I'm not taking this defensively, instead am quite intrigued by the amount of women that truly don't enjoy or want sex anymore. I know this because some of my girlfriends feel this way. I very much still like and want sex as a part of my life, but only within the confines of a loving, nurturing relationship. Do the men have a legitimate complaint/question? Is it one that should be asked before you even meet a person? I wouldn't want to be with a man that didn't like or want to have sex. But I certainly wouldn't be asking that question within the first few exchanges. Are these men trying to weed out the cold fish early on, so they don't waste time? Or is this a ploy to find out if I'm a casual sex kinda gal? Curious as to your opinions.

Where's the LIKE LIKE LIKE button on here???!!! So happy for you Mizpah! Enjoy!

I dealt with the same thing with my ex-boyfriend. They'd been divorced for 12 years! My Mom told me one day that she thought he still had feelings for his ex-wife. I was like....no way! They hate each other. They fight all the time. Down the road he made a comment about how he had invited his ex-wife and her son that she had with her new husband, to go on a day trip with him and their two children they had together. The reason being so their two children together could have this experience with their little half brother. He said she never responded to the invite. Evidently she really did hate him. Him, maybe not so much..... I was never invited on that trip. I always knew my Mama was no dummy.......

I absolutely agree Arneal. I'm speaking to the ones that deep down, even tho they won't admit it to themselves, know they are being jerked around. And please believe me when I say this comes from a place of love and protection. I went thru it. I was deeply hurt...on top of a big pile of pain from the loss of my husband. I don't want to see anyone hurt, but even more so, wids that have already gone thru so much, just to have their hearts broken by someone that didn't take the responsibility seriously of handling our hearts with gentleness. It just really pisses me off.

Arneal im not even sure I'm following you. Marriage is one thing but staying with a boyfriend that is not building a loving, nurturing, caring relationship with you but instead is usually making you feel like an option instead of a priority with a few nice moments sprinkled in here and there is NOT a healthy relationship and the flush handle should be pulled. Or else it becomes harder and harder to leave the relationship.

Ok wids, don't kill me, but in these rocky, tumultuous relationships, what's the payoff? There is always something you're getting out of it. When I was in my shit show of a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man, my payoff was that if I kept hanging in there, he would finally and suddenly combust into a better person and all my patience, giving and time invested would finally pay off. And I had a lot of the same issues mentioned in these posts. When I finally realized that he was NEVER going to change and he'd ALWAYS have a reason or excuse, the healing began.

Hang in there Sugarbell. Here's also hoping some sugar daddy will whisk her far far away. And if he does, check and see if he has a brother for me. Thanks!

I give you guys credit. I couldn't do it. I'm at the point now where I'm saying no to men asking me out that have younger children. The longer I'm on my own (downslope to 10 years) the more I'm enjoying my own time and really getting comfortable in my skin again. I don't want to deal with all the craziness that goes with divorce and kids. Of course there's no guarantees in life, and I may have to come back here some day and eat my words, but for now...."I ain't doin' it".

Then let me say this. I didn't get into a relationship until I COULD give the man priority and not constantly drop everything for my child. I took time to grieve and heal. I felt it was only fair to the person I was going to be with. I tried dating too soon, realized I wasn't being fair to the other person, and decided to wait. What I'm talking about is two people that come together, are ready for the responsibilities and commitment that a relationship requires, but then one of them decides they aren't as invested as they thought, but still wants the other person around as an option. THAT kind of mind fuckery is what I'm talking about. The kind that is selfish and only thinks of itself at the expense of the other person. We make excuses in the beginning, or don't heed the red flags and wind up more and more emotionally invested. All along, the other person is well aware of this, yet won't reciprocate the feelings and instead will throw crumbs when only a loaf is deserved.

I'm fiercely independent. I'm not a whining, nagging woman that has to have his undivided attention 24/7. What I am is a woman that deserves love, trust, care and respect in a relationship. Has nothing to do with who he's spending more time with. Has to do with the fact...is he making me a priority or an option? And we KNOW when we're not being made to feel loved, nurtured, respected and secure. If he's pulling away and has less and less time for you....it's not good. Do things come up in life? Absolutely. But that's not what I'm talking about and I think we all know it. We know when we have that nagging feeling that he just doesn't have both feet in the relationship. And while I was patient and loving and gracious and forgiving, he simply took and took and gave back less and less and less. Yes, we've been devastated by loss. We've had our whole worlds turned upside down. And yes, it takes time to heal. And some of us might feel insecure and vulnerable and afraid. But a REAL man will nurture those things, love those weaknesses and not exploit them. He will make you feel loved and secure. And while we'll make mistakes in this grief journey, we'll also learn from them. We'll make better choices and realize that having a partner again isn't always the happily ever after. Sometimes the happily ever after is healing, peace and joy in this new life and helping those that will come up behind us.

Tybec, Here was my situation when I dated douchebag (sorry, the reference must stand). He had kids not much younger than my own. He was divorced and saw his kids, in my opinion, pretty regularly. In the beginning, he was all hearts and flowers. Wanted to see me all the time. Take trips together, etc. On one of those trips, he was really down. When I asked him why, he replied he felt guilty for not spending more time with his kids. I was like huh? We'd only been gone for a long weekend. But whatever I thought. As our relationship progressed, he started sidelining me more and more. The kids this, the kids that. Now mind you, I had a child too. Any little chance he had to see them, I was benched. There was no blending our families. No going with him and his kids to events. None of that. It was bullshit. And I tried to be understanding, and supportive and blah blah blah. And then finally I decided to call bullshit on it. Because in my situation, it was bullshit. I knew that if he really cared about me and wanted to be with me, he would and wouldn't take the chance on losing me. We had gone back and forth in the past, and he was sure of me. He just figured we'd get back together down the road. When I was good and sick and tired of being an option instead of a priority, I called foul on the relationship, dumped him, and meant it. Of course, he didn't think I meant it. Until he texted me months later and I told him to not contact me anymore. Well, wouldn't you know he contacted me again two days ago. And that's because he knows he'll see me next week for a work related event. He asked how I was doing and I said great. He didn't care how I was doing. He was simply feeling me out so he'd know how I was going to act towards him next week when we had to see each other. And guess what? I'm going to hold my head up high, be cordial and conduct myself like a grown ass woman even tho I'd rather throat punch him. I finally get it! And I will no longer be with a man unless he is with me in every way. Yes, life is busy and hectic and all that. BUT, you know when a man wants to be with you, finds a way to be with you and makes you feel secure in the relationship. Period.

Oh boy....I may get some flack for this but here goes. I don't have nearly as much patience as many of you on here. I know when a guy is into me and when he isn't. No more listening to excuses or lies. No more having my words or needs twisted and made to make me feel guilty for wanting what I deserve. No more wondering if I'm going to see him or not on the weekend. When I dated the douchebag, I was still very vulnerable. I let him jack me around way too long. Lesson learned and lots of healing later, fuck that. I'm ready for a mutually fulfilling relationship filled with love, respect, trust, and care. And if that doesn't come along, then I'm going to enjoy life anyway! A man won't dictate whether or not my life is full or happy. I will determine that.

I met a guy on an online dating site. We hit it off and began dating. I was still dating other men in the meantime as we hadn't had "the talk" yet. I enjoyed his company and felt he was growing on me. Yet something continued to nag at me. Well as our dating continued, we eventually agreed to date exclusively and take down our profiles. He had to go to NYC over a weekend and we stayed in touch. When he got back, I felt the slightest shift in our relationship. I decided to follow my gut and got back on the dating site to look. Sure enough. There he was, only he'd changed his username, his location and his pics. So yeah, he took his profile down, just to put a new one in it's place. I immediately confronted him and kicked him to the curb. He liked me alright, he just didn't want any other guy dating me while he continued to troll for chicks. No more wasting time like I did on the last douchebag. We know when something doesn't feel right. Follow your instincts and listen to your gut. You know when someone isn't into you like they need to be.

Well hell, no wonder I'm getting in so much trouble. I'm chatting with.....crap I don't even know how many right now. But they quickly get weeded out......just for more to show up. I don't take it too seriously until I see the guy is really interested and puts forth the effort to meet me. Maybe I'm too lackadaisical about it all

Kaycee, I am SO sorry this happened to you. You did nothing wrong. You were heartbroken and grieving and looking for someone to ease that pain. I had someone do something similar when I was only six months out. It was just awful. And just compounded my grief. I agree with the others that those two deserve each other. All these years later, the man that took advantage of me and used me at the worst time of my life, his life is now going up in flames. Both his business and personal reputation is trashed. I had a colleague tell me last week, as she whispered in my ear, that he is a complete joke in our field of work. No one respects him. And the crazy thing is that I literally have a front row seat to it all. It's one thing to say karma is a bitch, but it's another to actually see it taking place. Hold tight. Come here to cry and vent. (((Hugs)))

The emotionally unavailable ex pulled his usual stunt and texted me after months and months of no contact. It's been a long and painful road getting over him. In the past, he would contact me, and we would repeat the cycle, resulting in me being further hurt and disappointed. But this time was different. After he texted me, I waited 4 days before responding with the following: "It's taken a long time for my heart to catch up to my head, but I'm finally making progress. Please do not contact me anymore". I've never in all the years he's played the ever seductive withholding dance, told him to jog on. After I did, I called my mother and cried on the phone to her. I know I did the right thing, and had finally come to the place where I'd rather be alone than spend another minute on a man that did nothing but jerk me around. But still, it felt so final. For any of you out there that are going thru something similar, hang in there. Trying to navigate thru the waters of the dating world after loss seems to make it all the more difficult. Especially when you give your heart and have it broken, again. Hold onto hope, even when some days feel hopeless.

When I first started reading this post, I thought "wait, I don't remember writing this". I'm very much in the same boat and even further out than you. I also get a lot of attention men both in real life and online (by no means do I think I'm all that) but none that float my boat. No kidding, I had three different guys ask me out for Friday night along with my one girlfriend. My choice? I stayed home on my couch after a long week, napped, watched TV and ate whatever I wanted. To me it was heaven. So while no one is grabbing my attention in a big way, I think part of it is that I'm just getting lazy. Was easier choosing the couch than touching up my makeup, fixing my hair and mustering up the energy to make sparkling conversation. I suck.

I'm a member from the old board and so that tells you I've been widowed now a long time. I've been waiting for years to come onto this board and announce to all of you that I've finally found love again. But instead I find many before me and after me finding love and moving forward. I'm healed, I've built a life around my loss, but still that love and companionship elude me. I get plenty of attention in real life and online, but I just can't find that connection. I did once post widowhood, and all it got me was a broken heart....again. I lost my husband, was starting to recover from that, met my ex bf, that was a shit show, am feeling better about that and now received bad news within my family. I feel like just when I'm starting to feel lighter, bam! I get knocked down again. This is the third time now. I'm feeling depressed, hopeless and lost. Now I fear living out the rest of my life alone. I hate this new life. Vent over.