StillWidowed

I think this is why I'm not in a relationship. I just don't think I have the temperament for all the drama and games.......yet I miss companionship. <sigh>

Mrs. Dan, I was also in a relationship where I felt like the kids came before me. Hell, they DID come before me....every....single.....time. I was crazy about this guy, and hung in there, and gave him space, and was understanding, and would completely turn my schedule upside down to accommodate him when he changed plans on me at the last minute because he was able to see his kids, etc. Three years of on and off and hanging in there and waiting it out, blah blah blah. Ultimately I had to walk away for my own well being. I get a lot of "how are you still single" bullshit but this is one of the reasons why. I want a man that makes me a priority and not an option. I just feel like I've already been thru the worst, then that relationship kicked the shit out of me a little bit more, so if I have to be alone and wait for a good one, so be it. Navigating dating and relationships after death just plain sucks. (((Hugs))) to you.

It's ok if you keep giving yourself deadlines. I did the same thing with my ex bf. Only to keep the vicious cycle going for another year, then another. My sister never worried about me. She said I know when you've had enough, you'll walk. And she was right. I eventually got to the point where the stress was just too much and I couldn't let it keep wearing on me. Do I still think about him? Yep. Do I still miss him? Yep. Do I want to contact him and start the cycle all over again? Nope. But it took me a long time to get here. Just like our grief, this too will take as long as it takes. And when you're ready to move on, you will. (((Hugs)))

So I came across this one guy online several months back. He thought the hour distance would be too much. I understood so we wished each other well and that was that. Then last week I get a message from him. Says he keeps coming back to my profile. Can I rethink things and can we get to know each other? I agree and we move from site to text. He's a chemical patent attorney and he gives me his whole name as well as a link to the company he works for. He said go ahead and call the direct line, so I do. That's the point I've gotten to these days. Right away I want to find out if you're real or not so I don't waste any time. So he's very nice looking, accomplished and real. So we begin to text and pretty quickly he asks me to dinner for Friday night (this is Tuesday). There is some flirtatious banter and we move to Wednesday. More texting and flirting and he now starts to up the game a little bit. Lots of text messages laced with sexual innuendos. I make a general comment about it and we move into Thursday. He greets me with "Hi Sexy" and I tell him I just got done working out so definitely not sexy. He says something along the lines of "that's great you work out...you can be my workout partner and spot me when I bench press. You'll need to lean over really far tho". I immediately feel ICK and change the subject. He goes quiet the rest of the day so I check in for our dinner date on Friday. Ask him if it's still on. He says yes and I comment that I was just making sure since this is a dating site and people blow hot and cold. Of course he responds "We'll discuss blowing later and stop being naughty at work". Now I'm really ICKed out and I call him on it. Tell him we don't know each other and it's making me uncomfortable. He responds that he needs to think about what I texted (jackass....think about what? The fact that you're a douchebag?) then texts me later and cancels dinner stating that he likes to flirt and joke around and that if he can't be himself then he needs to pass on dinner. Of course I tell him ok and take care! I ask another male attorney friend of mine and he summed it up like this: He just wanted to bang you. He wasn't even slightly interested in you or your feelings. Of course I knew this but it was nice to hear it confirmed from another attorney and all around good guy. NEXT!

I just ran into the same problem again. They are fakes. Probably big fat hairy men hiding behind a computer screen. Most men want to meet me right away. In fact, probably too quickly for my comfort, but now I know the ones that are real and the ones that are fake (for the most part). Real usually want to meet me pretty quickly. Like right now I have 14 messages. I can't keep up with all of them. The majority want to meet but I'm not attracted to most so the weeding continues.

My non-relationship relationship consisted of him having a "crazy" ex. He told me how she would make his life miserable, would fight with him all the time about everything, blah blah blah. As he and the non-relationship relationship started to unfold, I came to realize he was the miserable one and no wonder she was constantly pissed at him. She had her hands full! So proceed cautiously....

Nah, he completely stopped communicating once I pushed for a phone number to move to the next phase. That tells me he was a fake or probably married. Just wanted to chat online and feed his ego. I don't have that kind of time, so yes, it was a waste for me.

Update: I suggested the exchange of numbers (spidey senses were up) and he said ok. Exchanged numbers and it was then him: "did you get my text". Me: "no". Him: "must be my phone. It did this with my son. It's a 4S". Me: "Well I should still be able to receive texts from you". Him: crickets I thought I was getting better at spotting the fakes and scammers, but I have to admit I haven't been keeping up with online dating. Maybe they've got some new tricks I'm not picking up on. Either way, I only wasted 6 days, and even at that, I don't get too invested in this stuff.

To be honest, I can't believe I've been chatting with him as long as I have. A whole whopping six days as I HATE online dating. In a weak, bored moment I got back online. It doesn't last long with me, so he'd better get a hoppin'.

I love a smartass response first thing in the morning!

How long do you think a woman should chat with a man online before: A. She says it's time to meet B. She just quietly drifts away?

Soooo what Mizpah wrote (I don't have to reply Mizpah, because you usually interpret my thoughts)

I'm not even bothering anymore. It's proven to be a complete waste of time. And the one guy I did connect with (or so I thought) and dated off and on for three years, ended up being a real head case. I'm busy with friends and family, but miss the companionship of a man. Then I remember what a pain in the ass online dating is, and I'm ok again.

Whoa....it's only a meet and greet. Slow down there a little. These guys may not even be around in a week. Online dating has a way of working like that. If you do end up dating one, two or all three, take your time and let the other person unfold. It takes time to get to know someone and it may wind up that the weeding will take care of itself.

Semper, eventually you'll get tired of screwing with him, but in the meantime, if it gives you joy, I say do it. I did with the guy I ended things with along with telling him every single feeling I had about the shitty things he did to me when we were together. It was cleansing and freeing and detoxifying and everything else in that department. He eventually said he was going to block me if I didn't stop the "attacks" (he's so dramatic) so I told him to go fuck himself. I felt better, my family and friends cheered me telling me it was about time I stood up to him and quit letting him use me and jerk me around so it was all good. Do what you want now to make you feel better. They sure as hell did when they were with us.

he and I are coming to an ugly end. My heart was broken by him early on in the "relationship". Then it was thinking I wasn't loving him enough or understanding him enough and twisting myself inside out enough for him. Then it was letting him lower my expectations of him and the "relationship" and just accept his limitations and go with the status quo. You know, don't rock the boat and accept whatever crumbs he throws me. And now......it's rage. I mean a rage I never knew I could feel for this prick. He pulled another stunt and that was it. Years of stuffing down my feelings and always responding in kindness suddenly ended. I spewed venom like the Mount Tambora spewed lava. I said things to him I never thought of uttering in the past. And it continued. From text to phone back to text. I literally couldn't stop. Still haven't. It's pouring out of me and the faucet is broken. I have to see him twice for work related reasons in the next couple of weeks. I'm thinking about punching him in the face. I can't believe how much hatred I feel for him now. I hope it calms down by Christmas or I won't be fitting the "'tis the season" mold.

Oh boy, widowat33 please be careful. Unlike some other feelings voiced here or maybe because I'm further out, I don't think losing our spouse is necessarily the worst that's happened to us. Some days I feel like it is and others I feel like giving your already broken heart to someone and opening yourself up to being vulnerable again and that person not cherishing it or nurturing it and hurting you in the end can be very devastating. Some here can attest to that. So I say tread very cautiously.

Update to the Update: So we called a truce on the whole him being a dickhead the day he was supposed to come over and watch football. Something really changed with me after that tho. I can't even explain it. The push/pull back and forth......just didn't matter anymore. He called and I was just....I don't know....not up for the conversation so I cut the call short. I NEVER do that. I am actually ok with being a lone lately. Maybe that will change next month, or even next week, but for now I'm good. So enter this new man that messaged me and I decided to respond and continue to respond. He's asking to see me and while so far he seems like a good guy, I'm feeling....well....lazy? Or am I just exhausted from dealing with an emotionally unavailable boob? It's work to date and get to know someone and see if there's chemistry and work out schedules and do the whole background story telling and hold your gas in all night or stock pile it in your pantyhose so that when you take them off at the end of a date, they go whizzing around the room. Yet, this could possibly be a good one. I need my peeps to smack me around a bit......

Update: We had plans yesterday. I was going to cook and we'd watch football and relax all day. He texts and changes the time due to some bullshit reason. I tell him the preparation and cooking has already commenced and to never mind. When he saw he wasn't going to get his way and that the tactic he used didn't work, he switched back to I can come when you want but topped it with a big pile of attempted guilt. He got no response from me. Same bullshit, different day/week/month/year. Before I would have twisted, turned myself inside out, begged, pleaded and argued with him to come over. Instead I didn't care. I mean I really didn't care. I thought I would wake up this morning and care. Nope. Still don't care. Maybe I'll care tomorrow........

Tofinoman, he's got a job and a car and doesn't wear crap in his hair and everything else you mentioned. I'm talking about a man that will open up and be available on an emotional level. I can't go thru the rest of my life on a surface level. So he's Mr. Right Now, and in the meantime, I still have some companionship and touch. If the bullshit gets to be too stressful, he'll have to go. Right now, we're getting along fine. If a man came along and could be everything I need in a relationship, this guy would be a distant memory.

I'm in complete agreement with this. Drive yourself. I've seen too many things start "innocently" and turn into something more where marriages are wrecked and children's lives are forever changed.

Thanks for the responses. It helps knowing I'm not the only one in this situation or feeling this way. I don't believe I'm settling because I'm open to dating and meeting someone else. Trust me, if a man came along that I connected with, invested in me and the relationship, and wanted long term, I'd be all in and this guy would be a distant memory. But that hasn't happened, and now I feel like it never will. Maybe I've officially lost hope. I don't know. So I'll continue to date Mr. Right Now since Mr. Right is nowhere in site and enjoy some companionship and touch.

The emotionally unavailable man is back in my life again. Nothing has changed. He's still unavailable in the way I need a man to be in a relationship. I know this. I accept that this will never change. I'm open to dating others and even currently on a dating site. I think he has an idea I am, and doesn't really care. He and I go out and do things and are getting along fine. But my feelings for him have changed. Maybe because I know this man could never give me what I want and deserve. I am seeing him again because there is no one better to see. And I don't think there ever will be. I can't meet anyone in real life or in cyber land. I've honestly tried. I don't want to go endlessly without touch or companionship anymore. It's awful. And I'm still young enough that not having it anymore would be for a very long time. So I'm dating the last man standing. I hate this widowed life.

Soooo....I'm chatting with this cute guy online. He tells me that he works a lot. After a little more idle chit chat, he tells me when he isn't working he's at home all the time because his dog has separation anxiety. What the what??? I think to myself. Then I put fingers to keyboard and asked him why in the world he was on a dating site if he worked a lot and when he WASN'T working had to stay at home with an anxiety riddled dog? I reminded him that a dating site was to well.....actually.....ummm....DATE! His response? "I didn't think of it that way". Huh? I think. "Maybe I should take down my profile". Me: "That's a good idea". Oy vey!

I love Mizpah's response and I agree with it. Let yourself feel the pain and wail and cry and post and grieve the way you need to grieve. I'm kinda the same way. I need to feel it, deal with it, sit with it and grieve in my own way and time. Just like death, breakups take as long as they take to move forward. In the meantime, when you're having a good moment, enjoy it. Take it in. Relax. Because the wave of grief is waiting to hit again and you need to rest your body, soul and mind when you can. I just hate that you're going thru this. (((Hugs)))