StillWidowed

Yes, widowed is very different from being single. But the sad news is that if you haven't recoupled over a long period of time, people forget, and you're now viewed as single. And we're not. So society applies the single person rules to us and yes, in some ways they apply, but in many they don't. So after having touch, which I think is so VERY important, we all of a sudden don't. And it's simply another thing in a long list of things we've lost along with our partner.

Here was mine....... I enjoy strenuous long periods of time on the couch while watching The Kardashians, ending each night with a titillating book like 50 Shades of Grey. Add my ability to break out into night sweats before I even fall asleep and I have another sleepless night! The ability to know the difference between their, there and they’re, and you’re over half way their…wait they’re….crap, there! I am testing the waters on this seemingly website of freaks. It takes a lot to get me off the couch, but with the promise of a really big cheeseburger, I’ll emerge. No wonder I can’t get any dates……

I'm with Mizpah on the whole I thought I'd be so much tougher given I'd been thru such heartache. Come to find out, I'm much more vulnerable and sensitive now and don't handle heartache after heartache very well at all. I got my nose smacked good. But in time, it did get better and those feelings of rejection and hurt slowly started to fade away.

When it comes to finding love and slow smoking ribs......there's no such thing as being too patient.

Well hang on there Tofinoman. I know of several couples that have met online, fallen in love and are married or in loving, abiding relationships. Just like not all people with an edge are assholes, not all people you meet online are jerks. ............... just most

I had a meet and greet last night. When I showed up he was standing outside waiting for me. When he smiled his teeth were as............yellow as the SUN! Come one people! Buy some Crest White Strips or something! It's not that difficult! End rant

I'm with SunshineFL as well. The key is that he pursued. My point wasn't who did the asking out. My point was....is he showing interest? Is that interest then leading to the two of you actually going on a date? Is he following up that date with communication? Or is he doing the equivalent of a drive by text? Dating is tough. Throw in the loss of a spouse, and cripes O'Malley is it tough. When you get that spidey sense that something is off, listen to your gut. Too many times we want to give the benefit of the doubt. I'm not saying hit the flush handle right away, but step back, pay attention, and let that person unfold without getting attached too soon. Then if you need to, you can opt out with less damage to your heart.

Most men, not all, want to do the pursuing. So we're going to go with the majority right now. If he's not pursuing a woman and asking her out, he's probably not interested or benching her for a rainy day. We can keep going back and forth on this. You have your opinion and I have mine.

I understand what you're saying Mike. My point is that I see many women (my own girlfriends included and in fact one along the lines of this subject right now) that is very much into a guy and he's absolutely benching her. To her he's a f*ck yes, but to him she's an option.

Missing out on what? A man that isn't showing interest or asking you out? Yep, I'll gladly miss out on that.

And even if you think he's a "fuck yes" and he's not looking at you as a "fuck yes" then you need to move along in that situation too. Men really are simple creatures. If they're hungry, they eat. If they're tired, they sleep. If they're interested, they pursue. If he's texting you and not asking you out, break off contact.

The key here is that it saved you more time and heartache. Like you, I gave the guy I was dating the benefit of the doubt. And in the end, he still couldn't give me what I needed. I'm much more aware of the signs now. In fact, even met a man that seemed very interested, but in the end never contacted me. Before I would have given him the benefit of the doubt. Now I will be cordial when I see him again and simply move on. I want to be with a man that can't wait to see me. Wants to talk to me on a regular basis. One that will love, value and cherish me. Not one that wants to see me last minute or when it's convenient for him. Dating after loss is hard. Very hard. But never settle. Wait for the one that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

I love this and agree whole heartedly!

I had a "relationship" with a guy that said he had anxiety as well. He wouldn't attend a lot of social situations with me either. It led to a lot of hurt feelings (on my end of course), and arguments. I also thought he just needed time to acclimate. Introduce situations slowly to him, right? Wrong. In the end, he still had anxiety issues (along with being emotionally unavailable, maybe the two go hand in hand?) and all it ever resulted in was a waste of my time. Eyes wide open and listen to your gut.

"This is why I always chuckle to myself when someone says they are in a 'casual' relationship. They very rarely are for both parties when one is more casual than the other". Yep, yep and yep

Speaking of prosthetic limbs....I had a girlfriend who was messaging a guy back and forth on the computer. They decided to meet. He had no arms. When she told us this story I was in hysterics. I'm sorry, but that's usually something you should tell someone before you meet. Just sayin'. Yes, I'm politically incorrect. Don't send me hate mail.

I'm wondering why this website doesn't come up when I search for online support for young widows. The old YWBB did, but this one doesn't. I think this site would be so helpful for many out there widowed young and looking for support. Does anyone have any answers? Is it my search engine?

I like a man with an edge but that usually coincides with him being a dick. The end.

Met a guy online once. Hadn't communicated much, but accepted his invitation to dinner. While waiting for our table in the bar area, another man sitting next to me says hello. I greeted him back. As my date continued on with the online guy, it just got worse and worse. I couldn't get out of that restaurant fast enough. The next day I went to a fundraiser. The guy that said hello to me from the night before, recognized me immediately and came rushing up to me. Said "hey didn't I see you last night as such and such a restaurant". I recognized him and we had a good laugh over my disaster of a date. He said he could tell right away that I had way too much class for that other guy and he'd love to take me to dinner. I wasn't attracted to him, wasn't feeling it, so instead I got his number. He couldn't find a pen and paper fast enough to write it down and give it to me. So I waited, thought about it, and decided to go ahead and contact him. He asked me out to dinner for the following weekend. Ok, I thought. He seems like a nice guy and seems genuinely interested. So we had plans to meet for dinner on a Saturday night. One hour before he texts me and tells me he can't make it. No explanation. No nothing. Just sorry, I can't make it. So it's not just the online guys that go poof. The ones you meet in real life do too. I read once that you need a thick skin if you're going to date. So I decided I'm going to keep my skin the thickness it is naturally, and just forgo the dating scene.

The thing that I've found thru a Chapter 2 ending is that I was more na?ve than I ever thought. I mean, I'm a smart lady. I've always had my act together. Even in love. That's why I married such an amazing man. I knew what love looked like. I knew what love was supposed to feel like, and I knew how to live in a loving, committed relationship every single day. Yet, somehow in Chapter 2, I wound up in a very unfulfilling relationship with a man that was emotionally unavailable. I just couldn't understand how I got there. But looking back, I believe I went into it with the same mindset I had with my late husband. I believed this man would also love me unconditionally, have my back, and be nurturing and supportive. After the initial honeymoon phase, it took this unexpected turn. I didn't understand it. I thought it was me. I tried harder. It didn't help. Only after extricating myself from the relationship and giving myself some distance, was I able to see things more clearly. It wasn't me at all. It was him. He acted like this before me, during me and will act like this after me. I will approach dating and meeting men differently now. I will go slow. I will take the time to get to know them. I will let the man and the relationship unfold more until I attach. So if I spot code reds and amber alerts, it will be easier to bail. I believe my first Chapter 2 relationship was a learning experience to remind me what a good one looks like, and to help me spot that bad one a lot quicker.

.......like on the official downslope to 10 years. I've had one "relationship" since the death of my husband. Looking back, it was merely dating on and off with an emotionally unavailable man. I've watched so many people in my online widowed community and in real life find love again. It feels completely elusive to me now. I have grown children, good friends, good job, supportive family, so nothing is holding me back. Yet, no one appeals to me. Not because I'm still longing for my husband, or grieving, but because no.....one.......appeals.......to me. I've come to the conclusion that it's never going to happen for me. And this has sent me into a downward spiral. I will live the rest of my life out alone, but I really don't want to. I cry a lot now. It sucks. The end.

I'm offended too. I automatically discount them. I can't believe some women are flattered by it. I know this because they've told me. Ugh!!!

When a man starts a conversation off with "Hey beautiful or "You're really sexy" are you offended or flattered?

Fuck his side of the story. He's gone silent for a week. No matter what the situation (and in this case wasn't some do or die one) he absolutely showed spite in not responding. Chip up Captain's Wife. I know it hurts. Regroup like you said and hit that dating scene again. There's better fish in the sea. (((Hugs)))

You're not full of fail at all. I'm even further out than you, and the same thing here. I was with one guy off and on and now realize I can't even call that a relationship, because it wasn't. So here I am, no husband and no relationship since he died. It's hard because we didn't want our marriages to end. That piece is missing. But hang in there and wait for the next right piece to come along. I know you're just reading typed words on a screen while you're heart is hurting and I get it. We didn't want to travel this life alone. But we have hope in tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that. (((Hugs)))