StillWidowed

He wasn't in love with you? Then why in the hell did he put a ring on your finger and ask you to marry him? He fell out of love since June? This infuriates me! I'm sick and tired of these guys not being more careful with our already fragile hearts. You are a person with a soul. When they put a ring on your finger they are telling you they want to go the long haul and protect your heart and your soul. Not change their mind six months later and leave your heart broken once again. I'm glad you found out now, before this jackass did marry you to only turn around a few years later and drag you thru a divorce. I know you're hurt right now, but in the meantime, I'm going to be majorly pissed off for you.

I have a child your age. I've also been called a MILF on more than one occasion. Her boss doing it? Wrong. Taking offense to it? Eh...you can if you want, but I don't. I figure there will come a day when I'm NOT called a MILF anymore and will be more offended by that!

Peeps...let's not forget the OP's opening to this story. He was seeing someone else and had been lying to her for a very long time. Sorry, but that is a HUGE red flag. In fact, it's a run for the hills kinda flag. I get it. Honest I do. This journey sucks. We're lonely and fragile and heartbroken and want to feel love and excitement and passion and all those things we miss so much. Just do it with someone that hasn't already hurt you and proven they can't be trusted.

Could be a number of things. Wants what he couldn't have. The other chick dumped him. He was constipated. He's spontaneously combusted into a better person. Who knows. I just have to live by the quote by Maya Angelou..."When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." You've seen the red flags. Proceed with caution.

I'm at 30 days no contact. I haven't contacted him and he hasn't contacted me. I knew this was over for good. Now the reality is setting in. It feels a lot like the stages I experienced when DH died. Only I'm going thru the stages quicker this time. Just back to this feeling of yep, I'm alone again. When I go back over the relationship, my head knows he didn't treat me right. My heart on the other hand thinks of the good times when he did. The relationship overall was not good since I've figured it was a 75% bad vs 25% good ratio. I'm just waiting for my heart to catch up with my head. I wish it would hurry up already. Doesn't my heart realize the holidays are right around the corner? Geesh!

and while we are happy others are finding love (but let's admit, sometimes it's just to hard to read the posts), I want this thread to be about those of us that have ended or had someone else end the relationship. I want us to comfort each other and encourage each other. We can go to our friends and family (or maybe some can't) but there's this extra layer of pain on top of a breakup, we have post widowhood, that others don't understand. We've already had our hearts broken by loss, and damn, here we go again. Is this just as painful? More painful in another way? Or not even close to the pain you experienced losing your spouse? How are you holding up? Are you angry? Hurt? Relieved? All of the above? Are you taking the time to heal? What did you learn for the experience? Are you more afraid than ever to put yourself out there again? Do you feel like how much pain can one person possibly go thru or do you have the mindset of not risking the heart means not finding love?

I really think you need to listen to your gut. No matter how great someone was, if I had doubts, there was a reason. Some things can be worked thru, and some things are just the way we feel. Love this time around will be different, but that doesn't mean it can't be just as wonderful, passionate and fulfilling as it was with our spouses. Yes, we're lonely, and dating sucks. But personally for me, I can't settle for just companionship. Go slowly. When in doubt, do nothing.

Yes, I'm definitely glad I didn't send it. I'm currently in the process of the No Contact Rule. Sixty days to flush this jackass out of my system. I've engaged a break up buddy that will let me whine, cry, rant and rave over the injustices of my hurting heart. Then after 60 days I'm cut off. But something tells me I'll be in much better shape before then.

I woke up this morning furious and typed out a big long text telling this guy what a dick he is. I never hit send. I laid the phone down and got in the shower. I got out and still didn't hit send. Then I did makeup and hair and still didn't hit send. Then I got dressed, straightened up (yeah ok, not really) and still didn't hit send. I decided to drive to work and think about it some more. When I got to work, I re-worded some things, re-read my brilliant masterpiece of a text and still didn't hit send. I pointed out all the areas where he was a jackass and I had swallowed many hurts. I pointed out that I was good to him and treated him right, while he treated me like shit. Yet 6 hours later, I still haven't hit send. In fact, I erased the text so I didn't somehow accidently send it to him. I thought about it. Let myself cool down and realized no matter how much I explained his shortcomings and my awesomeness, it was never going to make him realize what he let go. Am I really that surprised that a man who is disconnected from his emotions and dodging the commitment bullet and lacking character and values, doesn?t want to be in a relationship with someone who will "expect" from him? So Mizpah, I really have to agree with your last post. I don't want to overcome vulnerability either. I want to express my love and commitment to someone and not be afraid of them using it to gain control and become emotionally abusive with me. I want to know that if I give my heart to someone, they will cherish it, and not try to break it. I want to know that all the time and effort I put into a relationship will be rewarded. But we don't have any certainties in life. We can only be our most genuine selves, and have hope that someday, the right person will come along and love us the way we deserve to be loved.

I was in a 1 1/2 year relationship that in all honesty, should have ended after the first 4 months. Since my husband's death, I am forever a changed person. The once strong confident woman that knew who she was, her worth and her boundary busting lines, was in a relationship that, over time, ate away at her self esteem and self worth. This is a topic or wording in one form or another, that has come up on this board repeatedly. When I was finally able to date at 3 years out, I felt ready and confident. I met this emotionally unavailable man about 8 months or so after that. It was all hearts and flowers in the beginning, and over time, he managed to lower my expectations of him and flat out treat me like a doormat. When I finally came to, I started to call him out on it, and he then proceeded to break up with me because we were arguing too much. Things were fine as long as he could have the relationship on his terms and I didn't have a say so in my emotional investment. I'm handling it pretty well. Deep down, I knew it wouldn't last. I know in my heart of hearts that I was gracious, kind and loving (to a fault I believe now) and he is emotionally crippled. My husband was an amazing man, that treated me with unconditional love and kindness. So my question or concern is this. How did I become such a soft touch? Yes, my heart was broken when my husband died. Yes, I took the time to grieve the loss and emotionally prepare myself to enter into another relationship at some point in the future. But how in the hell did I make such a bad judgment call? Remember, I was almost four years out! How did I let this once strong, confident woman enter into a less than desirable relationship and continue to STAY in it long past its sell by date? How do I learn to forgive myself for making such a shitty choice? And will the death of my husband always make me feel this vulnerable and weak and question my ability to choose the right partner?

You must stay strong and follow your gut with this guy. I know that's hard to do. Trust me. We get sucked back in and want to believe it will be different. But deep down, you know he's playing you. You know he's not giving you the love, respect, care and trust that you deserve. You may even talk to him some more and continue to see him while you sort this out. But please don't entertain the idea that this man will change. He won't. And it really pisses me off when people screw with us wids. We've been thru so much already. How dare they play with our hearts. So that being said, don't let him feed you lies and manage down your expectations while you continue to feed his ego. I know you're lonely. I know you're hurting. But he doesn't get to continue to jerk you around while he puts his other "friendships" over your feelings. Period. Much love to you.

I feel that when you're with someone that wants to be with you, he has both feet in the relationship. If there are days where you don't know where you stand or what he wants, that's a surefire indicator that he isn't fully invested in you. Sometimes we want to make excuses for behavior. Is it me? Am I doing something wrong because I've just been thru a traumatic event? Yet if you ask other wids that have found love, the relationship may have had some push pull moments, but ultimately, they knew the other person wanted them and was in it for the long haul. If you know he's not your Chapter 2 and you're ok with the time you do have together doing things, then I say by all means keep him around. But if you're unhappy and feel like the relationship for the most part, is on his terms, then you need to decide what is best for YOUR emotional health and healing heart. Some are strong enough to have feelings but know it's only for the time being, and others aren't. They invest their emotions and heart, thinking they can walk away down the road, only to have been hurt even more than if they walked away when their gut told them to. Only you can decide.