Fran721

Never would have imagined the first snow day would be difficult. All I can think about is how we would spend the snow day together in bed and take our dog on walks in the snow. Spent the whole day in bed and didn't go out into the snow once. My dog's at my mom's since I had to work over 13 hours at the hospital yesterday. Our cat was my only interaction today. Also, today is 5 months since he passed. Hope everyone stays safe and warm.

Oh skytrancegirl, I am so sorry about the loss of your husband. The early days are so hard but you are handling it, you are doing it. Just do what you can and don't worry about the rest. Ask for help. Don't feel bad letting other people do things for you. I know how hard the crying is - so physically and emotionally painful but it's okay to let it come out. Everything you are feeling and doing is normal when you have lost the person you loved the most. Hugs.

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I lost my partner in August and am no stranger to crying in public. One thing that somebody told me very early on was to be graceful to myself and it helped me tremendously. Do what you can for the day and don't worry about the rest. Just remember to eat, drink water, and try to spend some time outside. I remember that shock of no longer just being able to reach out in the middle of the night and just touch him anymore. How could the most sure thing in my life disappear so suddenly? Please know that we are here for you. We all have felt such similar pain so intimately. You are not alone.

I am a week or so over four months and not doing well at all. How am I suppose to do this? I guess most people in my life assume that I am "over" Houston's death so other people hardly bring it up anymore. I feel like when I am talking about him other people are thinking that I am just doing so to make my grief the spotlight. Maybe it's just my own worry, but I feel like people we weren't close to don't take our relationship seriously since we weren't married. We weren't lucky enough to more time together for marriage and children. How can I be a widow if I never was a wife? And I feel so guilty for even worrying about other people's opinions when my very best friend is gone. Houston never cared about what other people thought and, though he could embarrass me endlessly, I loved that about him. How am I going to live without him? I was doing well but now everything seems so hopeless. Just another night crying in bed, dreading going to my horrible job that I used to love. HE IS SUPPOSE TO BE HERE NEXT ME. He is suppose to be here watching Netflix next to me in bed, petting the dog and laughing at the cat. And tomorrow morning at 6:30, I am suppose to wake him so he can drive me to work and he's suppose to text me throughout the day and tell me how's spending the day since Monday's are one of his days off work. And then he's suppose to pick me up from work and ask me about my day while deciding where we want to get take out from. I use to think about how lucky I was to have met him and to be so deeply in love. None of the doctors ever said he was going to die. He was always going to get better - no one ever told us otherwise. We had plans and dreams and so much hope. I miss him and I feel so badly for him. He was so afraid and I let him down. We couldn't save him. I loved him with my whole heart. I love him with my whole heart. How am I suppose to go on? I feel so guilty for not doing better. I am so numb and so broken. Sorry to rant but I have absolutely no idea what to do. I feel guilty for not replying more to other's posts here but I do not feel like I have much to add when I am such a wreck. So incredibly thankful for this place.

MauiMermaid, thank you so much for posting that last excerpt. "Don't give up" was exactly what I've been needing to hear these past couple of days. <3

I am so sorry. I know there are no words to describe how terrible this is but please know that we are here for you. When we knew my partner was going to pass soon, I just sat by his bed and told him how much I loved him and talked about all of our wonderful memories together. I never let told him that he was about to die and it's impossible to know if he was aware. If there's any advice I have I would say to not be afraid to ask for morphine and ativan for him if he appears in distress or anxious. One of my biggest reliefs is that my partner passed away comfortably surrounded by his loved ones. You both are in my thoughts.

Absolutely beautiful - thanks for posting.

The MINISTER at my boyfriend's funeral (less than a week after he passed) told me I would move on because I was young. I wanted to slap him.

Oh, I am so sorry for your loss of Oscar. I could reasonate with a lot of what you posted because I am young (25) as well and believed that Houston and I had our whole lives to spend together. It just sucks, doesn't it? And there are a lot more worse words I could use. The part where you said that you now had hours at night that were now empty of laughter and talking reminded me of how I was told that not only do we suffer this huge, major loss but we also have a thousand other losses. Moments, activities, times of the day that we once spent with our loved ones but now have lost. I think that looking at it that way helped me because it somehow made it less overwhelming. Like I can miss Houston with my whole heart, but I can also separately mourn the loss of calling him everyday on my lunch break to check in. There's really not much else I can say that someone already hasn't said but I just wanted to let you that you aren't alone. Please message me if you ever want to or feel alone. We are close in age and probably have a lot we could discuss. You are in my thoughts.

I made it through our anniversary and spent the first night in our apartment!! Houston loved Star Wars and frozen pizza so I spent last night celebrating him and our love for each other with those two things. Well, plus ice cream and wine. Then, afterwards, I got into our bed and spent the night. A couple of nights ago, I was taking our dog on a walk in our neighborhood for the first time since Houston's passing. I know that sounds really simple but walking the dog is one of our favorite activities because the dog is happy, we live in a neighborhood full of old, beautiful houses, and we get to talk and joke around the entire time. Plus we love being outside. Actually, when the doctors first told us that they wouldn't do the transplant and I realized Houston would probably die, I laid in his bed with him and thought about having to walk the dog by myself. So anyway, doing this walk by myself with the dog was huge for me. But I felt him with me the entire time and there were signs, too. At one time, I felt overcome by a memory and instead of letting it make me sad, I just tried to feel gratitude for that original moment. That I was lucky enough to meet this amazing man and build a beautiful life with him and have all of these wonderful memories. And I know that somehow he was with me on that walk and gave me the clarity to see that. Thank you all for your posts. It really sucks that we are here but I'm so grateful to this forum for letting us come together. Everyone's comments are endlessly helpful and a lot of them make me cry because I feel so overwhelmed with kindness. Thank you.

So I survived one month yesterday. It was pretty fucking hard. There's absolutely no reward for making this far. I miss him so much and cannot believe how unfair it was that he had to die. He had so much life left. I was out running errands today. It's not the same without him. Our two favorite places to go together were bookstores and furniture/home decor stores. We would spend hours in those places. I haven't been back to some of our favorites yet because I can't imagine finding the perfect thing and not running to show him. At bookstores, I would be searching the fiction sections and would always find him in scifi. At home decor thrift stores, he would always find things that he thought would be good on American Pickers and I would get so mad because we were looking for things for us, not American Pickers haha. Just thinking about it makes me smile in nostalgia. Our life was so perfect. We fit together perfectly. Even our pets were insanely happy. Now I'm just a shitty cat and dog mom. They loved him the most. He was such an animal person and so loving to them. I keep having dreams about him. The first kind are where he has broken up with me suddenly and refuses to talk to me. I'm always so devastated in the dream because I don't understand why he would do that to me. I know it would have never happened in real life. The second type is that he is really sick but there's still hope he's going to get better. I wake up hopeful and then immediately remember that he's not in the ICU anymore, that he actually gone. I hate them both so much. Thank you both for your earlier replies to me. Mizpah, I loved what you said about remembering that you are the luckiest girl because he chose and loved you. I feel the same exact way. Damn, I miss him. Thank you for letting just blab.

Right now I'm sitting on our bed and I've been at our apartment for most of the day just cleaning and organizing. I've been staying at my mom's house since it happened. This is the longest that I've been here by myself! I know he would be proud of me. Only really lost it one time while going through old stuff - a Valentine's day card of course. Something I always thought was a stupid holiday but I read what he wrote in that card and lost it. It's okay though. I know it's okay because I loved him so much and he deserves to be mourned. However, all he ever wanted was for me for me to be happy so I'm working on that. I know I'll spend the rest of my life trying to make him proud. Anyway, Wednesday will be a month since he died. How can something feel so recent and yet so long ago? Completely crazy. The date I'm worried about most though is next Monday - it would have been our third anniversary of meeting each other. The night we started to fall in love and the beginning of our relationship. Up until a month ago, that date meant something to someone besides me. Now I'll have to suffer through September 28 on my own. That used to be the happiest day of my life and I hope that one day I'll be able to appreciate it again. We weren't married. We weren't too concerned about the future. We were young. We thought we had forever. How am I suppose to do this without him? He was my everything. PS - I typed this on my iPhone so sorry for any mistakes. I don't have a computer with me and felt like I needed to post right away.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond to me. It helps so much to hear from others who have experienced the same horrible things that I am currently experiencing. I miss him so much. This morning was the hardest so far for me. I don't want to wake up another morning without him but I know that it will be this way for the rest of my life. He would hate all of this so much. All he ever wanted was for me to be happy. And I am so, totally miserable. My friends and family have been taking excellent care of me. They have taken me hiking, paddle boarding, on a road trip, and to concerts. I am so appreciative to them for dragging me along and putting up with my crying bouts. It just sucks that I can't come home and tell Houston about it all. Gahh I just miss him. I know how much he would love that I am being taken care of though. He was my best friend. I would give anything to wake up next to him. To go to bed with him. To walk our dog with him. As you all know, there are no words to describe how miserable this feels. I am so grateful to this online community and so happy that I stumbled across this site. Even though I have only been coming here for 18 days, I already feel like it has been so beneficial to me. Thank you all.

I miss him so much. That's the feeling that overwhelms me the most. Then I always remember how hard he fought and how he would never leave me on purpose. Then I feel incredible sadness for him. He was never suppose to die. A liver transplant was supposed to be the worst possible news. We were at one of the best hospitals in the world and had dozens of doctors following his care. They said his condition was nothing they had ever seen before. They were stumped but continued to try everything they knew. I am glad he was confused at that point so he never truly understood what was happening. He would have been so afraid. He would have worried about me. I worry about him. What happens to someone when they die? How does no one know? I feel him with me though. I think about that last horrible week constantly. Why can't I think more about the good memories? The first thought I have in the mornings is that he is gone. I never want to accidentally forget for a second. I want to die. I want to have the same sickness he had take me too. I want disappear. I feel so alone. My friends and family take care of me constantly and shower me with love. They have no idea how I feel. I am jealous of those in normal relationships. Jealous when I see my friends text their partner. Jealous of those whose biggest problems were once my biggest problems. I am mad at elderly people - this is not something I am proud of. How can there be so many elderly people walking around living their lives when my young healthy best friend cannot live his. I had a great great aunt who lived to be 105. I used to think that was so cool. Now I am only jealous that Houston did not get to live to middle age. I will never understand why Houston died. No one will, including the doctors. However, the amount of kindness that has surrounded me continues to amaze me. Despite living my worst nightmare, people are good to me. I am loved and supported. It is an indescribable feeling to realize you are living everyone's worst nightmare. Your life is what others fear. And for good reason. Houston would hate that I am living this life. He would hate how sad I am. His only goal was to make me happy. I do not want to fail him. Thank you for the opportunity to type out my thoughts. It feels somewhat relieving. Though this is only my second post, I am on this website constantly reading everything everyone posts. I cannot describe how helpful it has been. Thank you.

After nine days of constantly reading this site, I am finally posting. My sweet boyfriend Houston died nine days ago of an unknown liver virus. He had been sick for 6 weeks and the doctors kept telling us he would get better but he only got worse. He finally got to the point where he needed a liver transplant but his bone marrow became infected and no longer made any blood cells. A week before he passed, we were told they couldn't do the transplant because he no longer had any white blood cells or platelets. On August 23, his blood pressure dropped and they could not bring it up again. Although he suffered a lot the last week, his last day was extremely peaceful and he was surrounded by his loved ones. I held his hand the whole time. My sweet, amazing best friend. There are no words for what I am going through right now. Today has been good so far - aka no crying/screaming/got out of bed. Last week was easier I think because I had just seen him suffer so much that him passing was sort of a relief. This week is unbelievably hard but I think that it's only going to get worse. I cannot believe he's gone. We did everything together. We had come through so much together and we were so happy. We had an amazing family with our cat and dog. We had the cutest little apartment. We had worked so hard to get where we were. We had our whole lives to get married and have children. He had recently turned 32 and I turned 25 in July. He was my everything. I'm so scared but I know he's with me. He was so handsome, intelligent, compassionate, and really just the best person I've ever met. Thank you for letting me vent. I really look forward to talking to y'all on here.