Jen

I don't meet many people or have situations where it comes up, to be honest. Everyone who knows me is well aware of what happened. I did recently have occasion to decide whether or not to say anything-- I was in a play, and no one in the cast knew me or my story. No one ever asked about my marital status (no "Is your husband coming to see this?"), so I never said anything. I have to admit, it was kind of a relief not to have it hanging over me. For a little while I could forget the Scarlet W... it was nice.

Oh, hugs, hugs. I very much hope you'll come back. We get it. Peace to you, sweetie...

((((Amor))))) I spent my sadiversary with other wids. It helped.

Back at work today, still trying to crush every erotic thought that occurs to me. It won't. Go. Away. I've considered doing something completely irresponsible and looking for a hook up on Craig's List or something, but I'm too scared. I don't know how to deal with this. What will win out, fear or sex? This desperation terrifies me. I hate feeling out of control, but I need-- something. I can't get it. I'm so tired, I wish I could just turn my brain off.

(((((Kam)))))

I wish I could believe this. I do think it's possible for everyone else, but not me. That sounds irrational, even petty, but I can't help this... conviction I have. This is all there is for me. I hate every second of it, and I wish I could just be done. I do appreciate the encouragement, though. I'm so sorry. I just have nothing left.

So much of your post resonates with me, down to your husband's name-- I had to do a double-take to be sure I didn't post this myself. I blame myself for so much of what happened with my Jim, even though I know, rationally, that he was an adult who made his own decisions-- and had to face the consequences of those decisions. He would never have blamed me for anything, so why do I feel so... responsible? I'm a nurse, I should have seen the red flags, I should have tried harder to intervene, I should have-- should have-- There's no point in raking it all up again and again. I can forgive anyone for anything, except myself. I don't know what else to do. I don't guess I'll ever get past this-- I think I'm stuck in hell forever. I hate it.

I don't think it's productive to compare grief. We all process differently, our stories have commonalities but they're all unique, so our grief will be unique as well. I don't think there's a right or wrong way to wid. I've found myself hesitating to post here, because I'm not in a great place-- I was doing better for awhile, but I crashed and burned, and I'm afraid of discouraging anyone. I want to be able to tell "younger" wids that it does get better, there is hope-- but right now, to me, that feels like a lie. I have virtually none, but I still hold out a *little* hope that there will be hope again for me someday. I'm just rambling, I don't know if that means anything or not. Anyway, I'm listening. (((HUGS))) to you...

So many hugs... I can't imagine the tangle of conflicting emotions. Mostly I'm glad to hear that there's a piece of Blaine left in the world... does that make sense? (((((HUGS)))))

More hugs, hon...

You know what? I can't do this. I just... can't. What now?

Mine are 15, 12, and 9. Once a week or so they have to do the latchkey kid routine-- I generally work weekends, plus one weekday. My mother lives with us, so they're rarely alone; they all tend to isolate themselves. The older two stay in their rooms on their tablets, the youngest plays video games on the computer. My "social life" consists of staring at the TV (I generally don't even notice what's on) until it's late enough to make my excuses and go to bed. My mom gets upset if I leave her alone too early in the evening. :-\

No luck on the mower, though I have a theory that it's the spark plug. Maybe tomorrow I will find the motivation to look into that. Meanwhile, my car decided that Friday was a good day to die at noon at a busy intersection. Got it towed, came home to find that dh's car is also-- forgive me-- dead as a mackerel. My engine karma appears to have gone south completely. I give up. Quiet day at work, so far-- back to wall staring. Sigh.

Huge hugs from here too.

I couldn't sleep last night because I couldn't stop thinking about... stuff. Sorry, Grace, I'm at work and can't go into detail, but... it was vivid. Cold shower, anyone?

Not stupid at all. The only one of "our" shows that I still watch is The Blacklist, mainly because I adore James Spader (and I would give anything to be Red's ward or protege or whatever!), and because it was still in its first season when Jim died. I had to stop watching The Walking Dead-- just couldn't take it anymore, we had invested way more in it. Same with some older things we'd been watching on DVD. I so miss having someone to dissect shows with... Hugs.

Oh, yes. All the time. He touched this. He never saw that. He would have liked this shirt. He would've wanted to see that movie, or that tv show, or that MMORPG update... Sigh.

It's pathetic, but this thought absolutely *preys* on me. I can't stand it. It's so freaking unfair.

At 13+ months I feel more like the_master than anything else, though if pressed I guess I can see a *little* progress. Mostly it feels like 2 steps forward, 8 steps back. Mizpah, thank you for continuing to encourage us... I don't have a lot of hope right now, but you and others who are further out at least stand as proof that there is life beyond hell. (((Hugs))) to all...

Crying here... I'm so proud of you, and so sad for you at the same time. Yes, you absolutely deserve to be happy. I can't find any hope for myself, but I have all the hope in the world that you will find joy again. (((Hugs)))

I do appreciate the encouragement-- I seem like an ingrate, but I'm really not. I'm so tired of existing in hell, but I can't bring myself to believe that there will ever be anything else. It's stupid and irrational, but if someone could just say "You will be miserable for 19 months, 3 weeks, and 5 days, then your life will turn around and it will all be worthwhile," I think I could do it. Of course that's impossible, and so I keep trudging through-- sometimes I can't even do that; I can barely crawl. I feel as though my life-- the one I was meant to have-- is slipping away with every interminable day that passes, and honestly, I resent it. It's not fair-- this isn't what I signed up for, it wasn't supposed to be like this, and I don't want to do it anymore.

I'm so sorry. ((((Hugs))))

((((Hugs))))

Tried that. Evidently "just me" is somebody off-putting and undesirable. Sorry, self-pity is incredibly ugly. Just where I am.

I absolutely agree that life is dictated by externals-- I only get up every morning because I have kids to take care of, a job to go to, bills to pay. If it were up to me, I'd hide in my bed until I starved to death or wasted away from grief and depression. There is nothing left for me... there's almost nothing left of me. I drift through these endless days, doing what has to be done, alone and hopeless. I have no expectation that anything will ever change for the better for me. I keep thinking of that sig line-- "I can't let his legacy be that his death destroyed me"-- and I'm failing. I'm pretty much destroyed.