Tatianakm

In about an hour it will be my first wedding anniversary without him; 19 years. Even though I manage to hold it together in public for the most of the time, shit, I MISS HIM !!! Miss his jokes, his antics, his hands, his smile, his scent, his voice. Happy Anniversary, my love, one day we will be whole again.

Congratulations to your son and you! This is such an important milestone and first step into adulthood. It so heartbreaking that the only person you would like to share this proud moment could not be there! I too was invited to attend my nephew's commencement ceremony this past Sunday. Where the time went: seems like yesterday this kid was sitting on my lap and giving me fish kisses and now was graduating from one of the elite prep schools in Philadelphia. Even though I thought I could not stand it to be in a crowd this early out, I made myself attend it. I was fighting tears all the way to the end seeing families together, generations of these very accomplished men, proud and supportive of their children, grandchildren becoming adults. I did not feel sorry for myself or my daughter. Quite the opposite, it made me want to work even harder to be able to secure a great education and bright future for her. I felt so sorry for my dear husband who could not be there and celebrate with the family and never will have a chance to experience this proud moment for our daughter. One widow told me that this feeling badly for the deceased missing out will never go away... I am sorry to highjack your thread, had to get it off my chest...

We both loved our wedding bands. We changed them at 10 years wedding anniversary; they have special engravings and a date of our wedding anniversary, actually tomorrow, 6/8, would be 19 years. I attempted to wear his band on a chain, but it is platinum and way too heavy. I then put it on my left hand before mine. I love the idea that my band sort of anchors his. So I do intend to wear both of the rings on my left hand, where they rightfully belong. This feels right to me; and my opinion is the only one that counts when it comes to my life. Do what you feel is right, what gives you comfort and helps to continue to survive.

I am so sorry, Sandrine, that you had a reason to seek us out- the group that no one wants to be a part of, but oh so thankful to have during this very tragic time. Do not worry about your English, you've expressed yourself perfectly. I can so relate to this horrific discovery of how in one moment life can go from wonderful and exciting to horrible and hollow. I also joined this group just 3 weeks after my husband ( also called him my bear) suddenly died from a cardiac arrest. This pain can't be compared to anything you had to endure before. I have gotten the advice to take the pressure off myself and just survive one moment at a time, which will turn to one minute, and one hour and one day... I also found it comforting to visit cemetery often, went every day for the first two months and just cried and cried and talked to him about everything. I had an awesome and very comforting experience with a medium then; that was able to give me some comfort and minimize some of the trauma. My husband came through and his personality and sense of humor and very special private things that no one would know were a validation that he will be there for me and our daughter, who was only three weeks at a time of his death. One message was very clear- it would be just so wrong to think of him as dead, he is not dead, he is very much present and will help to re-calibrate future for me and our daughter. I realize that this is not for everyone, but it was really a turning point for me from a complete despair to at least some glimpse of hope for the future. Everyone finds their own way to put one foot in front of the other. For now just survive, breathe, drink water, or whatever else that helps to take an edge off, it's OK for now..., eat, sleep, and lean on people to get through one moment at a time...Bisous...

I will go even further to point out another silly research article that I just came across not so long ago: in this article some research group was suggesting that not only widows go on and recover from the loss faster than the widowers, their health generally improves after the spouse dies. The notion is that we spend so much time caring for our spouses that when they die, we can finally concentrate on ourselves and therefore our health improves. So, Taurus, not only we recover faster than men, but apparently become healthier alone. I am obviously bitterly sarcastic here. Men are such fragile creatures that they just wilt away without a spouse, but women are just so resilient, they go on and thrive solo. What a stupid assumption and it is infuriating! Just ask a hundred or so widows who are on this very forum and struggle daily to get out of bed and carry on with basic functions how easy it is for them to go on. Or those who at 3-5 years out and still think about ending it all... Each journey is unique. I feel that we are here to offer support and kindness to each other and not measure out the degree to which one might suffer more than the other. Apparently I just entered the anger stage of the grieving process... Edited to add: I have to admit @Portside that even though I had a tough time agreeing with some of your other posts, hint-hint :-) your observation here is very wise; thank you for it!

There is nothing in this world more heart mending than that intoxicating new baby smell. Snuggle away with the little guy, Jen, enjoy the new life joining this world. May this baby bring many many joyful moments to you and your sister!

Thank you, SoVerySad, for YOU and being a voice for some of us who just don't have enough energy to spend on this healthy debate of how one should grieve. After reading this thread, I thought, just like another member, that perhaps this forum was not what I needed after all. It sadden me, because I grew to like some of the authors. Portside, it was me who posted that " life is not fair- jealous of other couples- ashamed to admit" post some time earlier. I did point out that it was not my proud moment. I own it, no matter how silly or childish this might sound. I don't battle depression, not that I have spoken to someone in the professional field, as I have very little faith in the medical community and it's ability to make any significant impact. I am a true believer of " we are in charge of our own destiny and can influence outcomes". Let me correct, I was the believer; that all has been shattered. I do not find fair that my husband dropped dead, literally, 3 weeks after our daughter joined this world. I think it was a reasonable expectation for me to raise this long awaited kid together with her father. I am a straight laced person and on the outside my life looks OK; during the day I am just a regular can-move-mountains-feel-so-in-control overachiever corporate America demands. But then, when my happy and nothing suspecting baby is soundly sleeping in her bed, I allow myself some comfort in reading this board and exposing my most honest feelings, in crying myself to sleep, in talking to him and asking why did he have to leave now...I do not need anyone to tell me to suck it up; I do this well enough on my own. Call it whining, but I am so thankful for some supportive members of this forum who can find empathy and offer that virtual hug without judgement. Who else will understand me and sympathize, if not the people who have been through similar situations. After all, the only person with whom I shared all my highs and lows is gone...

You are right, Jess and I am sorry if I upset you. I did have a chance to have a piece of my husband, so in that sense I am not totally alone. You are correct, I have no idea what it would be like if I was left all by myself. I am so thankful for my daughter, although sometimes I wonder if it had to be some sort of cruel tradeoff- in order to have her, I had to give up him- and that makes me feel so guilty, as if I contributed to his death somehow. But I guess I should use another part of the board for this...

Jess, oh how I know all too well that nagging feeling on Mother's Day! For years I hated it, as if it was a slap in the face, a notion that somehow I was a less of a woman, damaged goods. I wanted to have a child so much! After several attempts at trying, some setbacks and heartbreaks along the way, one very wise nurse once told me that I needed to do what was the hardest things for me- give up control and put my trust in my doctors and just go with the flow. Being used to be a decision maker personally and professionally, sometimes a control freak, it was very hard. But I realized that I could not influence an outcome, just had to trust and hope for the best. I became pregnant at 40 and gave birth to an adorable baby girl at 41. Unfortunatly, my first Mother's Day I am facing alone with my 3 months old daughter, in deep grief and still having to give up that control. Grief is beyond my control...still hate Mother's Day. On a positive note, for you starting a different phase of your life, motherhood can be a very real possibilty, if you still like to pursue it. You can PM me if and when you would like more details and advice about that journey.

Absolutely! My mom's comment on me visiting cemetery: "...you should spend more time with the living not with the dead". On me going to the local young widow support group: "... I think you're making it worse- you are just reminding yourself of his death, making it so much harder to move on". What can one say to that? Just because I stopped sobbing spontaneously at dinner table, doesn't mean that I forgot. I so wish she could filter or just not say anything at all.

Well, ieh21, I could've written your post, as it is almost identical situation, right down to Parkinson's with my FIL. Only I have never heard a "love you" or a "miss you" of out my MIL. Actually, just a few weeks earlier I got a text implying if I will not make an effort for them to see my child on a regular basis they will have to petition the court for the visitations. That just sent me up the wall, and an "old me" would probably confront them and let them know that this is not a productive way to maintain a relationship with me or my child, I would not be bullied. Death of my husband is such a life changing and altering event, that I feel I am not myself, not the old me, anyway. I cooled down and let it go, did not reply for a couple of weeks to that nonsence. Yesterday, as a good will gesture, I called her and offered to visit her on Sunday and bring my child to spend some time. Yes, I will bring along a small gift and will make an effort to make the day pleasant for her. This is what my husband would've wanted...it doesn't matter what I want. The only thing I really want- to have him back- I will never have, everything else is just insignificant stuff and not worth my energy. And yes, I also wonder how unfair is the fact that both of them- she with a pacer device, he with multiple bypass surgeries- are still here, and my DH's heart stopped suddently and no one could do anything about it.

[quote author=April link=topic=2195.msg28398#msg28398 date=1462334501 she squatted down next to him and started handing him tools.. saying.. "here you go Daddy".. I couldn't stop the tears.. It was surreal (this poor man fixing my dryer.. I know felt so awkward and was trying so hard to brush it off).. my husband loved her so much.. he loved all our children.. but she was the baby.. and she won't remember him at all. Oh, April, this just broke my heart, I can not even begin to comprehend how that might felt for you. :'( :'( :'( My daughter is just three months old and was only 3 weeks when her dad passed away suddenly. She will have no memories of him at all, beside a few pictures we managed to take in this very short period of time. I am so aftraid that she will project and seek out the father figure in every man that will be near. And the story you shared kind of confirms that...it is so heartbreaking to think how it could be different for our children if... If only she can feel how caring and loving her daddy was. If only he was still here, she would have the best father a girl can have...if only...I know it gets me nowhere. Hugs to you and your children.

So very sorry for the loss of your wife, BDean38. Know this: everything that you feel is very valid and normal. It is just two months since my DH passed away, just and already at the same time. It seems like it was such a long-long-long time ago, as if I live in my own time zone. I discovered this forum when I was just about 3 weeks into it and I am so thankful I did! Having a little girl to take care is a blessing, as you will have to stay put together for her- you have no other choice; on the other hand it makes it so much harder to sort out your own grief, as it feels like you have to suppress your own feelings to remain a good parent. Post here often, you will always get a supportive group of people who are going through same rough time and a good advice from the widows/widowers who managed to pull through several years ahead of us. Hugs to you and your daughter.

This message gives such a great hope to us, who are just starting on this healing journey. For me, 2 months in yesterday, but it feels like it happend such a long-long time ago, as if I am moving through sludge. Three years- it might as well be a trip to the moon and back, as it is not even comprehensible right now. Hugs to all the pillows, you give us a validation that we will make it!

Yesterday one of the colleagues asked me if I will be OK financially. First of all, none of your business, unless you are planning to contribute...but I smiled politely and said that with a careful planning I will be OK. Then she said that her as well, after her husband retired, she has to watch her spending carefully, no more trips to Macy's every weekend... You crazy bat, my husbund did not put me on a budget, he died! So not the same thing! But, again, I smiled politely and move on, cried most of the car ride home.

@RobFTC, that was really funny! Thanks, I needed it at the end of this trying day.

So sorry to hear your sad news, Jess! It is always tough with the animals, as they become true family members. My LH and I had two cats before we had our daughter. When one of our cats passed away at 18 years of age, we were grieving as if we lost a child, I could not force myself to visit vet with the second cat, it became my husband's sole resposibility to take him for his checkups. Now that I am left to take care of everything by myself, I am so preoccupied with everything else, I feel like I am neglecting the second cat. He got so much of the love and attention when my husband was alive. The only comforting thought is that now my husband and my sweet cat that passed are together. I often tell him to pet and kiss her for me and tell her that..." mommy is missing you both"...

F to the "well- meaning" colleagues, who tell me that they can imagine how hard it is to go through what I am going through.. but one day I will be able to look back and find good in it... WTF?. No, you have no clue until you are actually in my shoes and may you never find out. Can't you just say a polite f..n " sorry for your loss" and move on?

I feel your disappointment, SVS. I always liked to put myself together, makeup, hairstyle and all. Now I could care less how I look like and what I wear, thank God I am not going in public in my PJ. I have not applied mascara since, what's the point, I cry constanly anyway. And then there is a notion of who is going to look at me anyway? The only person who constantly told me how beautiful I was is now gone. I went to have my hair done yesterday just beacuse I am going back to work and have to look half decent. It was a comforting experience to have a scalp massage and feel warm air of a blow dryer, but when I came home there wasn't the usual " wow, you look hot, shatz (German for sweetheart)!", not that I am all that exceptionally "hot". It is truly as if the part of me, fun, care-free, life-loving part of me, died together with him. As if I skipped adulthood altogether: I felt like a young girl with my DH and overnight became an old woman, even though I am in my early 40s. I guess this is what depression feels like... Hang in there, SVS, hope you picked some great stylish frames to bring you a glimpse of feeling beautiful again.

I have an appointment tomorrow to take my baby girl for her first vaccinations. She is 10 weeks old now. My husband, who passed away suddenly when she was just 3 weeks old, and I have discussed in details what we want for her in terms of vaccinations. We have done some research about the adverse reactions and possible autism connection. We both were apprehensive about vaccinations, but chose to follow an alternative schedule. Now the dreaded day is actually here and I will have to face it alone. So scared about the negative effects, possible emergency situations we read about, and this fear is more so multiplied by the feeling of being totally alone and helpless. It is unbearable how I need him now, at the moments like this, his support and assurance that it will be OK. My Love, if you are watching over us, please help us through it...

Welcome NicY and Meg, I am so sorry for your loss. It is a horrble realization to those of us who lived a great fullfilling life with our spouses, that life can be cruel and unfair. I too find myself in the middle of this complete despair and loneliness without my other half. One day he was here- great, positive, loving man, with whom I have built my life- next minute he is gone and I am left to pick up the pieces. Someone from this forum told me early on to set my expectations bar very very very low and just ty to get through one day at a time. This is what I am doing now. I find it very helful to visit the cemetery daily and have my "talk" with him. While I still cry a lot, I learned to cry an carry on. I have to tell myself :" you had a good long cry, now carry on with life until next time". Visit this forum often and write about everything that bothers you. We understand, feel the same and will not judge. Hugs to you, very tight hugs.

I can't believe when I read this statement. Mizpah, I truly believe that all children are "planned", planned by God, or something bigger and better than us. The fact that two of you met and conceived your precious girl was all a part of the larger plan, a path that was destined for two of you. Whether it happened in the wedlock or out is just semantics. Many people who are married and staying together for the sake of children are miserable and it poorly reflects on the same children they are trying to stay together for. As we know, compromise is not a productive conflict resolution. In your case perhaps you are putting too much stress on the timeline. I am sure marriage will happen for you, just give him some time. Men need to think that this was their idea in order to initiate major life changing events. He loves you, adores your child, committed to you- you won already!

I too never belonged to any online communities or had social media accounts, still do not, besides this one and Pinterest. It was so out of character to start sharing my thoughts with this group. When your whole life, 40 years of it, you are getting everything you ever wanted, when you are happy and protected, accomplished and loved, it is like a nuclear explosion to have all that end in one fatal minute. I remember driving back from the hospital after identifying my husband at 2:00 AM, alone, and all I could repeat over and over was: " I am a widow now, widow, widow..." After a few weeks I made myself to look for help outside. I told myself that I had to do something completely different to be able to stay sane through this. I started to share my very private feelings and thoughts and made a promise to myself to tell it like it is, stay true and honest, no matter how ugly or silly I look. This community is extremely supportive and now is a lifeline for me. For the people who are just joining us, I am so sorry that you have to be here, it sucks, it truly does. But find it in you to start sharing here, even if only for the sake of journaling your emotions and feelings. You will find a supportive shoulder to lean on, people who get it and who experienced everything you do at the moment and some. It is a comforting feeling to know that even though I am lonely, I am not alone in this. One day you can look back and see a very small progress, some sliver of light, some faint indication that the healing began. One day at a time, right?

I feel ashamed to admit it, but now when I see couples I wonder who out of the two will die first. I am not an ill-meaning person and was always trying to be kind and understanding of people, but now, after my husnand's death this thought crosses my mind; I just can't help it. I actually just saw a couple in the park today, who were just a little older than I, strolling together, enjoing the nice weather. And all I could think was that yes, you look cute now, but wait until one of you dies...then i immediately mentally wish them a long and happy life, as I do not want anyone to experience what I have to now. I am ashamed and afraid to turn bitter, but here, it felt better to admit it. I am with you, Torn, on seeing fathers with kids. It is gut-wrenching, as I think of my little girl who will not have chance to experience it with her dad.

I am really not all that well equipped to give you any advice, as I am also very early into my grieving journey; my husband passed away suddenly six weeks ago today. It is unreal and for the most part all a blackout. All I can add to the previous advice is to allow yourself to cry, cry every time you feel like it, any place you need to, no matter how much you feel like a complete mess. Do not fight back the tears. Sometimes I wondered how is it even possible to be physically able to produce so much; I cried more in the last 6 weeks than in my entire adult life. With time you will find that you cry a little less each time and feel a little calmer every time after. Do not bottle up your emotions. Find a safe place and time to let it all out. It is only healthy and will help you in the long run. Hugs, we are all here for you. And now the very important practical step for your children, not sure if anyone mentioned it yet: please find strength to visit your local social security office and file paperwork for your husband's social security benefits. Your children will get 75% each of your husband's ss benefit till they turn 18. You will probably also qualify for some spousal benefits, but make sure it does not take away from the children's benefit. Total amount will not surpass 150% of what your husband would be getting. This will allow you to continue to provide for them, until you are ready to start working.