Tatianakm

The most interesting thing happened just the other day. One of my really good friends volunteered to find a reputable medium for me to connect to my husband. She called yesterday all excited and could not wait to tell me about her experience. Over brunch yesterday she shared that she explored a few different avenues to try to get a recommendation; all those did not yield any results. Later in the evening on Friday her and her husband went to the accountant to prepare taxes. Right on the porch of the accountant's she noticed a cat; being a cat lover she petted the animal and such. The accountant answered the door, led them into a room and they chatted a bit about the cat ( it was his cat). Then out of the blue the accountant proceeded to tell a story how he had an older cat that passed away and one day he met with a medium, who is a client of his also, his late father came forward and he was holding the late cat in his arms, as the animals are also "there" to meet us when we will be crossing over. The accountant handed my friend the medium's card. When my friend shared the story, there was no doubt in mind mind that my husband made that happen. He knows that she is the friend I trust the most. He also on many occasions commented what a true friend she was. We all shared the love for animals, we owned several cats. I know and my friend agreed that my husband put that cat in her path to make the connection. So, Trying, thank you for sharing your story. I will update on how my reading goes. Actually excited now, but also a bit cautious.

I started to have just horrible mornings. Every morning I wake up to the realization that I am alone now and my husband is never coming back. For a split second my mind just wonders where he might be: went out to get breakfast for us, sitting at his computer... Then this horrible panic sets in and I have to admit to myself over and over that he is gone forever and will never be back. This is a pure torture and I wonder how much of it is self-inflicted. I am forced to stay in bed for a little while, crying and coming to terms with this "new" morning, then drag myself out of bed, shaming myself for letting my mind to forget yet again that this IS the new life now. I thought I would never say it, but I am actually looking forward to going back to work in two weeks; hopefully I will have no time to really think about it then and things improve. At the same time I am dreading going back to work, as I visit a different account and a client each day. Last time I saw some of these people they were expressing their congratulations on the upcoming addition to my family ( my baby girl's birth). Now with inevitable questions about the baby, I will have to tell my other sad news and keep it all together. I wish I could just have one office to go to and one time of sad looks and condolences; I will have to repeat it all over again, day after day, until I visit all the accounts. Where to find strength to keep it together and not fall apart? Are any of you had to face the same upon return to work? Any coping strategies that worked? Thank you, as always.

I am sorry to hear it, Maureen. Why life ends at what should be the happiest time? This is so unfair and cruel! Hugs to you, to his widow and the children.

To get one of his cards saying how he is happy to have our family, how he loves to be married and how much he loves me. At the time I thought it was mushy and touchy-feely, as of cause I knew all those things, I felt it every day, no need to write and thank me. Somehow I saved all his little notes and all the cards, all 18 years worth of it. I would give everything to get one of his little love notes on the kitchen table, sometimes with flowers for no reason at all, again. And moreover, to have an opportunity to write a mushy card to him, thanking him for being my husband.

I am really sorry for your loss, Kenneth. I too can relate to your feelings about the day of the week our loved ones passed away. Today, Monday, 22:06 exactly when my dear sweetheart was pronounced dead. I am dreading Mondays altogether and then counting down to the time, panic just sets in stronger and stronger. I am just about in the same time frame as you are, 5 weeks today. I am vising the cemetery almost every day, especially on the days I feel really rough. I have my cry and my talk, telling him everything as if he is here; I do feel calm after it just long enough to carry me over till the next day. My only comfort is this forum and great people who assure that it does get easier over time. I don't believe them, not just yet.

Well, I got my thoughts together, mastered some concentration long enough to design a beautiful announcement for my daughter's birth. Took your advice and followed my heart. I must say I really liked it and can not wait to get it back from the printing service. I liked it so much, that i am thinking of doing Holiday cards the same way. Being just two of us, without children, for so many years, my husband and I used to make a lighthearted fun of the families who sent out the cards with their children on it. We even considered sending out a card with us and our two cats at the time. Now that he passed, i might just do a Holiday card with me and our daughter, maybe even muscle one cat to be in it. That is what's left from my perfect bubble family: myself, our kid and his cat. I miss him... But thank you very much for listening and support, means a lot to me.

I am with you on this, but here is my screwed up ironic life: my husband passed away on 2/29; I, apparently, am not worthy of even having a date, but only every four years! Yep, not me, i do not get a date every year; is it a curse or a blessing? It is so like my husband though...it makes me angry, cry and laugh at the same time.

What a great story! My sister and my niece, who is 10, also made paper fish today, but they actually live in France. What a fun tradition, can't wait till my daughter is older to start this trend in US ;-) My LH loved doing goofy pranks, and he did get me every year with one of his "masterpieces". No one pranked me today, miss him...

I might as well join this thread, although not really like to use profanities, but today was a trying day, so, here it goes: Big F You to the Bank of America for not having their IT sh.. figured out and telling me that they do not support the type of the brouser I am using to finish my online transfer. Just about 75% of America is using Apple products and they do not support Safari. Idiots...after 50 min waiting on the phone all they can suggest is that i drive to the local branch and do a withdrawal there. Big F U to my life without my husband and having to deal with so many issues i shouldn't have to without him. And F the spring and everything in bloom, when all he wanted is for the weather to be warm and spend time outside with me and his newborn child, only to die on the last day of the winter. I am sure i will have many more Fs to share...

Sending you some tight hugs and strength, SVS. Absolutely you can do it and WILL do whatever is needed to keep your son healthy and happy, you WILL overcome those hurdles one at a time, just like you have been doing already. Don't let the doctor be in charge of your son's health; we and we only are in charge of our health. Insist on more advanced screenings and tests if you feel you need it to rule out all potential conditions. It is better that it turns out to be nothing to worry about than a misdiagnosed condition. And then get a second opinion. Unfortunately this is what one needs to do nowadays to get a proper medical care. Please update on the outcome today; I will be thinking of you and your young man, sending you both good vibes.

Today was exactly one month since my husband passed, or as you call it, "out"; I am one month out. Not sure why it is "out", as I am really one month in, IN to this personal Hell of unbearable loss. I drove today to the cemetery alone and had a good long cry there. It actually felt a little better after. I spent the rest of the day counting down the hours and minutes to the actual "event" as it happend, the time he could have felt his heart malfunctioning, the time someone started CPR, the time the ambulance arrived, the time they tried to resuscitate him, the time he was pronounced dead... 22:06, exactly the time my life ended together with his. I have to get up and put one foot in front of the other for my baby girl, who just started to recognize my face and smiles now when she sees me; this is really bittersweet and I fight back the tears every time. I spend all my free time reading this board, all the topics, really trying to determine what is ahead for me. One thing is clear that there will be no "moving on" or "getting over" , not really, not for me, as it is not for many of the regular widows/widowers who post here. One friend today said that she admired my strength and at the same time vulnerability through this time. Hell, I hate being strong, I would give everything to feel like a little girl in his arms, him hugging me and telling me it is going to be OK... I hate that I have to be here, but I am so fortunate that I have found this board. Thank you again for listening...

Hello, I wonder if anyone really did this? Did you seek a medium to connect to your loved ones? How soon is too soon? Today is exactly one month since my husband passed away suddenly due to the cardiac arrest. I miss him so much and the pain is so unbearable. I want to see him in my dreams, but he only visited me once, second or third day after the funeral. I dreamt of him standing in our kitchen, it was in the morning, he was upbeat and smiling, asking me to get his vitamins ( I usually put those together for him). I replied: "honey, you would not believe what happened to us, I thought you have died". And with those words he disappeared. Every night I go to bed and hope that I dream about him. I am so afraid that I will start to forget his voice and his face. One friend told me that this is a good sign that I do not dream of him; it means that he is at peace. But I really want to know that he is OK and he did not suffer. Did you see a medium to connect to your loved one? How long ago since they passed? Did it bring you comfort? Any good reputable medium in PA, NJ, NYC, tristate area?

Hello, I was trying to think it over if I should send out my daughter's birth announcement. My husband passed away when she was only 3 weeks old. She is seven weeks old now. I decided to go ahead with it. How should I sign the announcement: the late ( husband' s name) and my name? Mrs. (late husband's name) my last name? What is your insight? I wanted my daugther to have that keepsake, as her birth was truly the most joyful occasion for both my LH and I, I know he would want me to... What is the proper way to sign?

Hello, my fellow wids. I thought i would post an update. It helps to share my thoughts here, sort of like writing a journal. Never actually had a journal, this is another first for me. I started to deal with a lot of necessary items, like estate settlement. My husband passed away without a will and all the property is in his name only, naturally, we were just living carefree life, not planning for death, but living life to it's fullest. Everywhere i am forced to share my story and recount the events, only to see deep sympathy on people's faces. I just hate it and can not stand it at all. Especially when the other person hears that i have a six weeks old baby. Even the estate attorney was so touched that he waved his consultation fees, as a father of two beautiful girls, he said this was the least he could do. I am of cause very thankful, but i hate to see that my baby's birth turned into a charity case. I was so proud before this, thinking i can handle anything what comes my way, thinking i was invinsible. Boy, this is some humbling experience. I feel beat down now. Everything that mattered in mylife before the death of my husband now seems so shallow and superficial. This was some sort of the lesson i was supposed to learn. Boy, with a newborn i can not even get drunk once, i could use some heavy liquor just about now. Have to stay put, the baby needs me. Thank you for listening...

I feel for you, truly, this pain is unbearable. To see this little guy, who should be just happy and care free at his age, to get sad must be heartbreaking... I am in a very similar situation, but still very early into it, but already dreading what this will do to my little girl, who is just 6 weeks now, and was only 3 weeks old when her father passed away. All i have left is just several pictures of her father holding her. The thought of a small child having to deal with a loss and being sad and longing for a father is just too much to handle. I hope one day i could draw from your experience and get through rough times, just like you are doing now. Big, tight hugs to you and your little guy. Ieh21 and other ladies, when and how did you start talking abouth dad to your children? What advice can you give now, looking back at early days? Thank you in advance for any insight you can share.

I agree wholeheartedly: when it feels right and meant to be then the time just does not matter. My LH and I met when i was dating someone else for almost two years. We felt an instant attraction and he put a phone in front of me and made me make that phone call to the other guy and decide either way. We started dating and after the first stay at his place, we just started to move my things in little by little. We were engaged in two months and married 9 months after we met, until death DID do us apart after almost 19 years of marriage. I feel awful that after death you had to discover his infidelity. Both, my LH and I were believers that honesty always best in the relationship. If someone felt like getting out, we agreed to be upfront with each other. I have met the other attractive guys in my life, I am sure other attractive women crossed his path. But my husband was MINE and I was HIS, we lived in a happy bubble and no one else seemed to matter. I know it is very early for me even to think about dating, the sheer thought of putting myself out there and opening my heart to someone else scares me, I am not even talking about undressing in front of some other guy...but if the guy is not interested a bit to make an effort, just walk away. There will be someone who will appreciate everything you have to offer. Best of luck.

Thank you so much for all support and words of comfort, guys! Today marks 3 weeks since my husband passed away. I can not say "died", it seems so final. Passed away seems like he is just away... I had to cancel his cell phone line several days ago, told AT&T that he passed, only to receive a letter today that "they missed him" and invitation to join back. That was when i have lost it, he is dead and will never be able to "join back". Mondays are just so hard, i can barely stand it. Monday was the happiest day of my life- my baby girl was born on Monday. Monday is the most horrible day in my life- my dear sweetheart was taken away on Monday. Just 6 weeks today since my daughter was born and three weeks since my husband passed. I am so lost. I meant to be a hands on mother and very much so. We had so many plans and visions how we are gong to parent and bring up our baby. I feel so guilty, as i am barely mastering feeding and diaper change and outsourced most of caring for the baby to my mom. Thank God she is here! I feel like a total failure as a mother. The Fly Dubai airplane crash reminded me of our trip to Madeira almost 10 years ago. When we were to land in Lisbon, we were in the most horrific turbulence, that we thought that was it, we were about to crash, i am talking like nothing both of us ever experienced before. We held each other and said our "good byes", thanking each other for great 10 years of the love and care. Funny thing was, none of us felt scared, the feeling was light and we were really OK. Now i almost wish we did die together that day... I feel like a dog that was abandoned by the owners; do not know what i have done wrong to deserve this? And the thought that i will never feel his love, hear him saying that it will be OK, feel the comfort of his embrace, just unbearable.

Thank you so very much to all of you, guys! I am finding myself being addicted to this forum and checking things constantly. I am sure this will change when i will have to get back to work. For now i find some strange comfort in reading everybody's stories. Today was exactly two weeks since the entombment, he wanted to be put into a wall...We joked about it when he was alive, but i am so relieved that i was able to arrange for his final wish. When i was driving to visit him, strangely i felt almost happy in anticipation to see him, almost as if we had a date. This is all so sad and pathetic. I brought our baby to show her off to him, how she is thriving and growing. He would be so proud! On another note, his parents, who are still well, were quick to share with me that they bought out a double space right under his. This was never a plan, they never wanted this until now? Their relationship was rocky when he was alive. His father always competed with him for the accomplishments and never could be just proud and accepting, always had to "one up" my husband. His mother guilted him constantly. This was some sort of co-dependancy, instead of love all he felt was guilt. Now, even in death, my poor husband can not be left in peace. They had to "one up" again. This left me angry and helpless that i could not shield him from them. When i got home from the cemetery, his car was in the driveway, i almost forgot that he is gone, for a split second i felt like he is home. I am not sure what to do with the car. I am not ready to let it go, hell, i want to keep his beer in the fridge forever. This is pure agony...

Thank you so much for all the kind words! I am so lucky to have found this forum, as i feel like I am totally alone in this. Today i had a major melt down in the supermarket. My LH and i had a routine when we would shop every Saturday at Trader Joe's and buy food for an entire week. I could not even step a foot into that store! But i needed some basics and took my mom, who traveled from Russia to help out with the baby, with me. Well, this was her first time in US supermarket and when she saw a wall of yogurt, she started to select the flavours she would like, also badgering me about my favourite. I just could have slapped her there, i got so angry and stared to cry in public. Who cares what flavour to eat, when i could barely get out of bed. She said that she just wanted to distract me. I am very thankful that she is here and she is very helpful with the baby, but even the most close person can not get it. There is no distraction now, every little thing around reminds me of him. I just want him back! I feel so lonely...oh, boy, i hate to see what tomorrow brings...

I have read through many posts and decided to share my pain. This is so unusual for me, as for the most part we have been very private about our life together, sharing everything and cherishing every moment, just me and my dear sweetheart, whom i lost on 2/29 due to cardiac arrest. This was not supposed to happen to us, we just had a new baby girl, Alice, whom we wiaited and pryed for for over 15 years. I gave birth on 2/08, we were on top of the world, overjoyed, making new plans for our new life together. My husband was so proud of our baby, showing her off to everybody. That night, he worked nights, he played with us for a bit, practicing how he is going to carry her in the sling, placing baby in different positions and walking around with her, kissed us both, and left, happy and upbeat self. At 10:45 PM police knocked on the door, saying that his work was trying to get in touch with me and i should call local hospital ER right away. I panicked and called, doctor asked me to come in and would not tell me over the phone if he was responsive or not. I drove and cried, praying and pleading for him to be alive. Doctor said that they tried very hard, but he was unresponsive before He was brought in and they could not safe him. He passed very quickly in the matter of 5-10 minutes. These last two weeks were just a black out. This was not supposed to happen, not now, not with our brand new baby, not to him, not to me...Being a problem solver and a project manager professionally, how do i "manage" myself out of this? How do i go on? How do i eat when he is not here to share a meal with me? Where should i go, if he is not there to accompany us? We were literally together in everything for close to 20 years. Now i just want to crawl into a corner and yelp until this physical pain goes away. I have to go on and take care of a newborn, have to be strong for her. Seems not possible, but i move in a daze counting down the hours until it is a bed time and i can wrap myseld in our blanket and still smell him. Thank you for any words of wisdom, it helps to read all the posts of people who actually experienced the same and can offer some insight on how to survive.