Tatianakm

I think I would like to go dancing, althought have not danced in ages! Theatre or movies?

Hugs, Kater. This day indeed was a difficult one for you; funeral home alone is a big enough trigger! I can't even imagine stepping into one- would probably have a melt down. You are brave! It is so gracious of you thinking about helping others and serving the community. Be gentle to yourself, take care of yourself first- there will be plenty of time for you to engage in your community life. I left my husband's cell phone in his suit pocket, so he is burried with it. Driving behind the hearse my brother-in-law suggeted we call it and freak out the driver. We chuckled and all agreed that my husband would be all over this one- always loved off the cuff jokes and pranks. My sister-in-law tells me that she texts him from time to time. Bittersweet... (Hugs)

I so can relate! The best site for widows is RepairClinic! I have changed the gasket around the door of my fridge, little handle that clicks it shut broke off. There is nothing more simple than to put in the model of your appliance and there it comes- a picture of a part needed and a video how to replace this part. Magic! I know that my husband is smiling when I write this. On so many occasions he would try to show me how to open the hood of a car and check the oil. I always had the same reply- I saw no value in spending time learning it- I was never going to open a hood of a car, well...until now, of cause, when I ran out of the windshield washer fluid and had to read through the hefty owner's manual, but I figured it out. And Youtube! I have changed the capacitor on my air-conditioning unit, yep, I did it. Trick was not to get electrocuted, but obviously I made it! I was laughing through tears that I even had to know what capacitor is...

I can assure you, SemperFidelis, it is not pathetic to wish the things could be different. I also try not to shock people with my loss. I have one lady who always leaves before me and she makes sure to pop her head into the office to say goodbye: "...have a great evening, I hope you and your hubby are having great time with the baby..." or some similar variation, always including "my hubby". I have no courage to correct her and tell her that I lost "the hubby"; this will shock her and probably upset her...I am certain she is genuinely happy for me and wishes the best. So I just thank her; perhaps one day I can admit, not just yet...makes him still alive, at least for her...and I also do cherish these moments we can still be a complete family, at least for the strangers...

1. Great friends invited us to spend a week at the shore. 2. First tooth made its appearance today- quite exciting! 3. We shared a pretty special bottle of wine, and even more special time together, breathing in salty air, feeling its comforting touch on the skin and healing the heart. I did not think people can surprise me anymore, not at a point when can develop meaningful friendships easily; these guys are pretty amazing!

That is so funny! I thought I was the only one who does not memorize phone numbers. When I was in college, psychology professor once said that our brain has a limited amount of "storage cells", so to memorize things that could be easily stored in a phone book is just spending those precious cells unnecessarily. Since then I stopped memorizing phone numbers. When a business contact asks me for my cell number, I always have to pull out my business card and hand it over- I do not know my own business phone numbers, cell or office. E-books or actual real paper ones?

For all these years my husband would not let me leave any of the appliances running while we were out. He would turn everything off, for him is was a common sense. My common sense was that none of the chores would need my attention and we would come home to everything done, dishes and laundry and so on. No, he would not have it, everything had to be off just in case. Despite many years of conditioning and that deep inner voice, I left my dishwasher running, granted I used dish soap, instead of the tablets, I've run out of tablets, came home to some small mountains of foam all over the kitchen floor and poor cat with a puzzled look, like "WTF did you do that for?". Widow brain. I swear I could hear my husband laughing like "you fool..." as I was mopping up , crying and laughing at the same time. Thankfully my cork floors are forgiving, everything dried up beautifully, will never leave my appliances on while out, that is for sure!

Definitely a risk taker, although now, with a small child, this perhaps will be a calculated risk, most definitely with a mitigation strategy. Still like to think I can be spontaneous and fun... Home improvements or repairs....DIY or hire a professional?

4th of July just never has the same meaning for us, as we were not born here, just a midsummer Holiday, fun family gathering, long weekend to spend together. Today I remembered one of the first 4th of July weekends we had together: his parents went somewhere abroad for vacation and asked us to watch the dogs. He made me climb out of his parents' bedroom window on to the roof where we sat wrapped in a blanket and watched the fireworks. I miss him more and more every day... Thank you for starting this thread; I remembered how carefree I once was.

Learn how to fly a helicopter, although I've heard it is super difficult, much more so than to pilot a small aircraft. Would love to learn that first, I think... Christmas Tree- real or artificial?

My daughter discovered how to squeal with delight. It was this very loud high pitch noise that she made today for the very first time, liked it herself so much, that she continued to repeat it time after time, laughing. It was so contagious, that I also laughed. This seems liked the first time I actually felt a moment full of joy! I am writing in this section of the forum, which means I am searching for the good things in life again, and that is a good thing in itself, I think...? That's it, just those two at the moment...

How cruel it is that you dear wife's death was caused by what should be a healthy and a wellness creating activity. I am truly sorry for you tragic loss. I can't dispense any advice on parenting- you are at a much advanced skill level already, as I am just learning the ropes with my little girl. I would imagine I would be also honest with my daughter and just admit that I can't answer this question at the moment, but one day we would figure it out together. You already share an incredible bond with your little girl, give yourself a break, not everything is needing an answer at the moment, there is not an imperative "to make sense" of it. It makes no sense. Hugs to you and your sweet Kate.

My heart goes out to you; sucks that after loss of your dear Steve you can't catch a break. That should be enough already, yet the life keeps putting one challenge after another in your path. Lean on us, use this forum to share and vent. Hugs and strength to you.

Mashed... with a light drizzle of truffle oil Hot golden sand or crisp sparkling snow?

Approaching 4 months mark- feels like an eternity, but it was only 4 months ago I was happy and thriving. I actually started to feel a bit better; work and my daughter are occupying my mind for the most part and I keep it together. 29th is approaching I am feeling shitty again, can't concentrate, can't stand people talking about meaningless stuff, can't tolerate being around other couples... I miss him so much, sit in his truck often, it still smells like his cologne and tobacco, he was secretly smoking, he thought he was invincible. The events split into two separate realms: before his death and after. Lonely, empty, unengaged, guilty of feeling so because of my little girl, yet can't do anything about apathy, don't eat, eat too much, trying hard not to drink. Why is it getting harder?

:'( :'( :'( thank you for validating everything I feel at the moment; this is why I continue to come back- supportive and kind messages like this one.

I also had a chance to read the original ALD's post and it resonated with me on a level that I would be too scared to admit, even to myself. I was planning to reply, but then was wrapped up in my own Father's Day emotional rollercoaster, having to bring my baby girl to say our first "happy Father's Day" to the tomb in a mausoleum... Frankly, about 15 years of my life I wanted more than anything to mother a child, had it all planned out, down to minor details what we would want and not want as parents. They key word here is "WE". Now that it is all left up to me, my outlook is changing and I am scared of it. Don't get me wrong, I love my child and she is the only being that still keeps me here. I am not suicidal, but it is more of the thought that all the great things in life are already behind me. I had a great marriage, I love and respected my husband; we annoyed the hell out of each other, just like any relationship, but we were great partners in everything. So, instead of enjoying my much anticipated motherhood, I just made a pact with myself to be all I can be till she is grown-up; I only have to make it the next 20 years or so... I do get it, Portside, wanting to be straightforward and to the point in your advice. What is with the anger, though? As it is indicated in your signature, your war is over now...it's not combat, it is a different kind of survival; different skills and approaches are required. Absolutely you have a place on this forum, many of your postings are insightful and helpful. But, please refrain on commenting if you happen to be "chasing your own demons" at the moment. Let someone else to do what could be done to lift someone out of this misery we find ourselves this early on. I do so on occasion...

Fuck these holidays, here, I said it, FUCK! I don't want to feel like this; I want to function normally. I might as well be surrounded by aliens- it sure feels this way. I am moving, talking, making vacation plans, even laughing,- but it all feels as if I am witnessing someone else's life from the sidelines. Shit, can't even express myself that it makes any sense. Don't want any fucking holidays, let it be only workdays, that I can bury myself in my routine and don't let myself feel this empty, hollow, grim loneliness...

These little guys are adorable!

So many times, Maureen, you have comforted the others with your hugs, myself is included. I can't imagine going through this profound loss twice and surviving... I want to reach out and offer that virtual hug in hopes that it will bring you at least a little bit of the comfort. Heartfelt hug to you, Maureen!

It totally resonated with me as well, @Catnip! Well said! I would do it again in a heartbeat and oh, if my life had to turn out this way and I had to become a widow, I am proud to be HIS widow.

Yesterday was our 19th wedding anniversary and the first one without him... At night I had a vivid dream of him putting his head next to my pillow and he was smiling. I woke up, but the moment was so peaceful that found myself smiling. I really wanted to dream of him, but did not; the medium I saw told me that I am so consumed with grief, he can't "get in" and to be patient and it will happen. And it did! On our wedding anniversary! You see, I could go on like this forever, if we only exist together in my dreams... I went to the cemetery and sat next to his tomb for a while, thanking him for our life together, for making me the happiest woman for coming to me in a dream...he always kept his promises...I told him how much I am thankful for our daughter, who looks just like him... Later I had an appointment with the estate attorney to sign the new deed on the house, transferring it from his name to mine. Got there a little early and sat in a corner cafe, alone, among strangers busy and preoccupied with their lives, sipping my latte and reading...what else...Widda.com forum. Returned home and spend the rest of the day with my baby- she was actually exactly 4 months old, so amusing, she is teething and wants to bite everything... Toasted our anniversary with a glass of gewürztraminer- his favorite. Went to bed hoping to dream of him again...

I am so sorry that you had a reason to be here, Pauleena89. All the emotions, all of it, from anger to extreme sadness, from wanting to function to falling apart to pieces, from seeking company to wanting to crawl into a dark corner,- all of it is completely normal reaction to trauma of a sudden death of your beloved husband. Try not to think of the future just yet, just survive, eat or at least drink, allow people to help with the basics if they offer, ask for help if you need it. My sister stayed with me for the first a week and a half and I offered to move her in with me permanently, from France...I was so desperate to fill the void. I could not shower and she would force me to do so; I could not eat anything and she would force me to eat, she would brush my hair and force me to drive to do various necessary errands like getting death certificate and visiting social security office, estate attorney and pediatrician with my newborn daughter. I also asked the same questions: did he know how much I am thankful for our life together, did he feel how much I loved him. I was so broken that I was constantly crying. One of the friends arranged for me to see a medium. I was skeptical, but went along with it. It was amazing, this was truly a turning point for me from a complete despair to some faint glimpses of hope. My husband came through and gave me the answers to all the questions I needed to know so badly, right down to why he had to die at this promising time of our lives. I know to some it might sound too far fetched, but it small private details, right down to the word that he invented to call our daughter's pacifier that does not exist in English language, were a validation for me that life goes on beyond death. I am glad that you are considering going to church. I was never a religious person; it was not a part of the culture I grew up with, but one friend randomly bought a book for me to read, and it is not a light reading, called "The Shack" by Wm. Paul Young, it also helped me to start sorting out my feelings about God and unfairness of this world. When you are ready, find it and read it, it will help, I truly believe it. And post here often, sometimes I just ramble on for the sake of having an outlet for my feelings and thoughts no one else can begin to relate in the outside of the widowhood world. I am so thankful I found this forum! Tight hug.

Sandrine, I was so dreading my return back to work and facing the numerous people with the questions about my newborn baby and ultimately about my husband. In reality, I welcome everyday I work outside of the home, as it is where I feel most normal, familiar, in control and able to influence outcomes. It is coming home that I find so difficult; as soon as I get to my car, my mask comes off and I cry for the most of the ride home. I am also thankful for this time alone in my car, so I can get crying out of my system for the moment and face my baby in somewhat normal state. I am sorry you feel guilty for letting your mind to switch off for the time from your dear sweetheart to work related tasks, but I think this is what allows your brain to start processing the trauma and begin healing. And yes, as much as you think it is not ever possible, your body will start slowly to recover from the trauma of the loss. It does not mean that your are forgetting the most important person in your life; it means that your are surviving... Hugs.

I am only guessing here, Quixote, but perhaps this lady heard it through the grapevine that your were replacing the trainers, so for the fear of being also replaced, she beat you to it and hence the cold shoulder. Why don't you approach her and ask her kindly, but straightforwardly why there is such a sudden change of heart. Girls are complicated, temperamental and sometimes downright moody :-) But just like with the horses, you've got to be self-assured, but not arrogant. You've got this. Perhaps this friendship can be salvaged, or at the minimum you can clear the air and file it under lessons learned. Good luck.